How long is 90 days? Like actually.

Since I'm kinda in a I-don't-like-people-so-shut-up state at the moment I've decided to focus on me, being happy, reading and doing things for myself instead of other people. It's relaxing minus the fact that I have to avoid everyone, which is pretty hard cause people I know are EVERYWHERE! It sucks!
Except 3rd and 7th hour. I don't mind them too much at all.

That aside, I get to play Fleance in the play (I may have said that already)! It's kinda cool and really traumatising. I guess you don't really think about some things till you have to put yourself in that situation. It's fucking scary to see your "mother" murdered literally in front of you...even if it is a play. I still love Brian.

NHS is a pain. It's so much work just to fill stuff out to get accepted! Geeze...

It keeps snowing here...it's like the weathers kinda parallel to my mood. Bad, it snows, semi happy it stops. I ate chocolate today.

The color of the sky: Rainy and grey, raindrops streaking down a bus window, rumbling with the vibrations of the massive engine powered dragon.

God has been really nice to me recently. It's nice, he's a great guy.

Where dragons eat the people you don't like

I hate cake.
Take me to Fillory.
Social networking sucks.
People are annoying.
I want to be skinni.
I hate cake again.
I need to do something with my life (after I finish working out).
Why is there no time for the things I WANT to do?
Where is Fillory anyways?
New York sounds like a good place to be right now.
Or by myself.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it looks right. I hate cake again, and my bad decision of going to Zap Zone and eating cake. That was stupid. But it's not happening again so that's ok. And I hate people, cause people are so goddamn irritating, including myself, and they suck especially those people at school. I mean really, no I don't like you shut up, don't even ask, I don't care, all of you shut up. Can I go to a place where no one knows my name. It'd be so much easier. A place where you can hear the world, hear your footsteps, the distant cars, the wind. A place that isn't too rushed, a place where you can see the sea...
I haven't touched my email for 3 days, fb in over a week now. Some life I've got..but it's really calming. And gives me more time. If anyone asks my dad broke the internet.

The color of the sky: animate, moving, constructing and reconstructing itself into a massive puzzle in the sky. Fitting clouds like pieces into each other, shapes, dragons floating out of the blue...

Letter to myself accidentally sent to you

'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.'

After a downhill week and a day that started fine but slowly plummeted towards depression this movie saved me. I cry every time and I've seen it at least 5 times since it came out (the new one, god know how many times I read the book as a kid and saw the old version). It's such a great movie, and it makes me think that if I can change myself, I can maybe change the world somehow...step by step. "There is happiness for those who accept their fate. There is glory for those who resist their fate." (From Whatever) I think I've been done with happiness for a while, it just doesn't seem to really work out just right (so far) and as far as I'm concerned my fate, a cures brought upon by genetics and recent overexposure to food in Ukraine was my fate, and it's changing. Gosh why does this always sound so sappy and overdramaticly theatrical, it's my life. I should stop complaining to myself about myself on a computer (makes me sound crazy, but I'm in a good mood so what the hell). Well I gotta find myself somewhere.

The family's having a dinner party tomorrow, and why is everyone older or younger than me by at least 4 years (in most cases more). These people are my parents ages, why couldn't they have kids my age?! Some cute boy that I can talk to, or normal girl (I'd prefer the boy though). 

I'm getting awful tired so night. I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow...

The color of the sky: It snowed. Dressing up the sky to look like a car crash, white airbags, scattered in a catastrophe of grey metal and steam.

And it goes on and on and on...and all those things that I should have done, oh I need to check fb...eh

Today's been kinda depressing...I ate too much and my stomach looks preggers...It's so fat...and it makes me sad. That's probly cause I've been semi depressed lately and been eating sugar at home. See schools mostly fine, it's just pressure from my mom to apply for NHS and other crap. It's really fucking stressful. At least I've been eating better. The really weird thing is that I feel like I've been eating more, but I've been eating a lot less...that's really bad. Another depressing thing is people. I was walking around after 6th hour when all normal people go home (not us kids with 7th hour) and it was just so depressing and distasteful, it just didn't look right. The again I was listening to Depeche Mode at that time. Today was just a day of ups and downs. Everyone kept telling me that I looked pretty. My outfit was cute, but my face was tired as hell. You know, I ate a lot for dinner that's why I look fatish, it'll go away in the morning. At least theatre was fun. Nick and I talked, about life and gossipped a bit. I love that guy. Though I don't think I'll ever regret breaking up with him. That's another thing thing I need to practise more, good morals and how to best live my life to the fullest, though I think that comes along with control of food habits and motivation to succeed especially at exercises. This guy, he's a player, kinda asked me on a date, him and his twin kinda flirt with me. They make me dislike people more and more and make me wish I was skini, cause for some reason it would make things different. Gosh why can't it be easy...maybe I should just work harder, a lot harder...roger that. There's so much fat...everywhere....I'm reading The Magician King again. That part makes me happy.
The color of the sky: It drizzled, sad, quiet, english rain from a bleak, colorless expanse. It was rather lonesome.

Grimalkin in the window

We sat in class wondering what we had to write, the answer was probably right before us and we didn't notice it. Standing over our shoulders was a lady guiding us step by step, like children being led across an empty streed. Baby steps with teachers and parents holding us up, it's almost pitiful, degrading... To put it simply it sucks. Cause I think we aught to be mature enough to figure out life ourselves. 

Yet how is it that we can't manage an assignment but we can manage a relationship, navigating through the halls, living our social lives. How do we get through it all?

The wind was blowing from the east, sun on my back, snow floating around. Hair carried by the snow dusted wind. Innocent and impossible, the once spring like damp ground was littered with white. It just didn't seem real.

"Let me finish the joke!" I turned back, I didn't know he was telling a joke.

"So if you dip the brushes, and you too, then we'd have a big dipper and a little dipper!" He exclaimed, the expression on his face was as cocky and egotistic as everyone always described him as. "Best joke I've ever told." That killed me, it was both funny and a bit sad. We laughed and talked a bit more, then left. He never says good-bye, or thanks... I wished Matt a happy birthday yesterday(?) in the hall, he barely looked over. He could have managed a "thank you" or at least a smile. No he just swept by, with his head high as though he were a king and I a peasant leaving me feeling wrong about something, missing a piece, something like that. 

The really sad thing is I've seen this before...Chris all over again. Pathetic in a way isn't it. I didn't learn the first time. I mean I like Matt, a bit, but it's not going to work, so I don't loose myself in daydreams for him. 

In theatre I was getting my hair done, a sample for the show. Curling and hairspray. And my friends told me I always look a bit like a princess, with the hair and posture and all. It made me happy... and Brian liked my hair. Also I got 3 parts now! Fleance, the Sergeant and some other guy who's name I don't remember. 

I ate a bunch of sugar today. It's just been little things that stress me out, and make me eat food. Weight, Ukrainian stuff, myself, lack of freedom (such a big frustration factor!), that stuff. But I'm on a new diet, and exercise routine so that should help. It's 90 days long, and I sooo love counting down, so I'll stick to it ( I really do)!

The color of the sky: Drearily lost in a daydream of everyday sky.

What 9th grade history teaches you

Gosh history is so boring. See I could be doing homework but becuase some of the laptops didn't work i got deported to a special ed/school help class that has giant early century computers. Slow unsophistiaceted masses that awkwardly sit on table tops. I bet it's going to slow down now. Well I did have homework that I was going to do, but I couldn't take it with me! I need to get it done too. I'm actually trying to be semi serious about my classes and get all a's. It's dark outside. Dark frammed semi square windows look out onto a beak landscape, caught between the dead of winter and spring. Dragging across the sky, pushed along by a force unknown within these grey walls. Like and expanse of mist descending towards the earth. Music box music goes along with the gloom rather well.

You can see the shadows

I saw Chris today. He looked miserable, sitting in the near empty stairwell. His finely trimmed hair, matted down, clinging desperately to his dripping forehead. The dark expression on his face didn't suit him, it was completely different from his usual cheery appearance. No jokes today. We talked, he had training, and told me about it a bit, called me poochie and asked me why I was still here. When Jose called for me, Chris just said, hurry up and leave. Bye...
It felt like a picture I would have drawn last year. A girl and guy, dark and light, happy and sad. With a totally depressing love story. It was like I really was part of a picture. It's a shame I had to leave.

The walk home wasn't bad though. Hoods up, we splashed through puddles and countered Mari's arguments that rain was bad. I like rain, I like it a lot, especially walking or running though it. Summer rain's the best though. You can smell it. That's the part I like best. Mari left then there were two. We talked much about nothing, the movie we watched, 5th grade, people all while walking in the middle of the street. We ran into a class mate, which was pretty funny, I wonder how we looked to him...We all take latin together.
Eventually we made it to the crossroads of our departure and said good-bye. I didn't look back. I didn't want to, it didn't feel right anyways. Sometimes it's romantic, or something but this time I just didn't, just in case he did.

Well now it's sunny, the lights glinting off the newly washed pavement. The droplets on my window shine like diamonds in the light. The talk with Chris seems like forever ago.

I like sitting on my floor and dreaming...it's so effortless.

The color of the sky: Mysterious night sky, shrouded in a shawl of eerie white. Light that comes from the opposite direction of the sunrise illuminates the distance.

Summer plans for warmer days

I haven't been on a bus in so long, but still I think of Jess. That never seems to leave. It's a memory, imprinted in the seats, painted on the windows, echoed in the engines hum. A quiet reminder of high school innocence. Freshman year...

It was crude, unpolished, ungentlemanly like conduct, I played along of course, it's would be rude not to. But it was kinda annoying, reminding me of 8th grade and the stupidity we possessed thinking it would make us look cool. As if. I mean the day wasn't too bad, pudding, Monty Python, a bus ride, and sushi with the family later. The buckwheat tea was good.

Today was lovely though. Got along in class with people, cheated on tests, did well not cheating on a test. Ate mainly fruits, and a bit of sweets and carbs, but that's ok. Emi, Nick and I celebrated my birthday officially. Cake, chocolate and vanilla and strawberries, then downtown. Where we wandered through stores, looked at obscene magazines, and climbed to the to of a parking structure from where the city looks beautiful and alive. Thriving with so much life, so many things we haven't seen, their signs flickering below us, beckoning. Chinese food, with the same waiter and cashier, and fortunes that aren't quite...fortunes. I bought a hat, skirt and sun glasses at some point. I am very pleased with myself. I never buy anything! And I've been meaning to get a cute skirt and semi aviators, so mission accomplished!
We also went to go see Oz The Great And Powerful. It was pretty good. We played that hockey puck game thing before we got in, and ordered slushies. That seems to always come up with the three of us. Anyways though the whole day we must have gone to the bathroom at least 20 times. We drank so much water!

I need to stop talking to my reflection in the mirror, but it does help my self esteem...it's just a bit concerning and narcissistic...

Now off to bed with dreams of pretty men and impossible things.

The color of the sky: Ebony blue...Like lacquer pasted across the sky, evening out it's ridges and bumps, clearing away the bubbles, away with the white clouds of dust, leaving just open endless sky. Darkening, from a deep midnight blue to black. Swelling over the town making it seem just a bit bigger...

Music box melody

Well the rest of today was kinda boring. Walked to school. Did work. Said thanks a million times. My hair was wavy. Cake is bad and sugary. Talked to God a lot today (Christoph!!!). Got more music. Got a mouse for my computer...exciting. Didn't see Jess (I really wanted to). Fb Sophia. Finished a greater part of my english. Got some money. Let my brothers look through my stuff.
That was probably the best part. I guess I can kinda talk to them.
I made a wish on 16 candles.
I resolved again to find more methods to loose weight and complete them.
I wanted to clean my room but now I've got to sleep.
Good night. Sweet dreams.
I'm sixteen.
...

Two feet out the door, and one on the road

Something really did start today. Don't know what it is yet, but for sure today is the start of a new journey. I've probably said this multiple times, on days that just seem like the perfect day to set out, and it's probably not much different, it's just that this year I've really set out to achieve something and become someone.

Laying in my bed this morning, letting the open windows reveal a new world over the horizon. I finished watching Ultra Maniac, and it's like another piece of early teenage years...I really loved the ending. Maybe I will find an adventure, just gotta go out and really live.

One day the whole world looks like an open page. 
And you've been dancing as fast as you can, 
With a smile on your face. 

Then the Earth and the sky they open together, 
And carry me away as light as a feather. 
Chase the clouds from the ground in the big blue sky. 
Don't wanna watch it all go by, so I'm gonna fly. 
Higher than I ever could. 

Feel the wind blow through my hair, 
Feel the sun dance with the moon. 
And my feet can't stay on the ground any longer, 
With every leap of faith I feel a little stronger. 
Wanna swing from a star in the big blue sky. 
Don't wanna watch it all go by, 

So I'm gonna fly. 

And see for myself what it looks like from up there. 
And taste the star dust in my mouth, 
Chase the clouds until they disappear. 

And if I can make just one life better, 
Bring a smile to your face when you're under the weather, 
Then I'm feelin' like I've finally found my home. 
I'll plant the seeds and watch them grow. 
And I'm gonna fly. 


Fly. Fly. Fly. 
Higher than I ever, ever could. 

I'm gonna fly. 
I'm gonna fly. 
Higher than I ever, ever could.

Hey! I'm sixteen now, time to really live. ;)