Auditions were today!!!!!! OMG! I was so scared. I warmed up after a the first cold reading. But it was so hard. My first audition, probably since I didn't know what I was getting into and there weren't as many people seemed so much easier. This one was so frikking hard! And I really want to do this show. And so does everyone else. I was just texting my friend who's good but he's worried he didn't get a part and I'm worried and everyone else on fb is worried the cast list (hopefully) comes out tomorrow. I feel like this is so important and tomorrow we're gonna be standing there feeling that empty feeling, "when someone else got the last jelly filled doughnut, or that hot chick" Dan. Ahhhhhhhhh. I am not going to be able to concentrate!
Failed my math retake on monday. Got a B on my latin test. My french teacher was gone and we have a test on MONDAY! English was eh. IVANOVICH WAS SUSPENDED! For a fight!! What The Hell. I wanted to talk to him. Meh.
Got caught copying homework in class. Teacher pissed. She took our homework away. So glad I have a weekend to let things blow over. I'm going to New York! It's for this Ukrainian thing. I get to see all my friends! Basically it's this big competition to see which state is the best and smartest. It's gonna be a blast (minus the 12 hour bus ride, but that's not too bad)!
Chris talked to me today! It was the strangest thing. Walking up the stairs with Michelle I felt someone squeezing my leg, the way Moya or someone would do to tickle me. I'm surprised I didn't scream, cause I am so ticklish. It was Chris. The usual hey girl, hey you was exchanged. We left him at his class room. Two minutes we see him walking down the hall from the other direction. Ninja! He winks multiple times at me, clearly as a joke, teasing. Then the soccer update.
"Sweden tied Germany!"
"I know! I saw part of that game! It was great. Ukraine TIED Moldova. It was horrible we totally should have won!"
"Moldova?! What the hell. Come on! (muttering) Moldova."
Life's been getting better. I'm really glad that I can just talk to him.
The color of the sky: There was something more, fulfilling in the sky today. A deeper blue filling out the painting of our dreams. The perfect sky to begin a journey.
Obama won. And I need a shower.
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
Monday, 5 November 2012
a blue valentine on a christmas day celebrated at new years
11:44...I think a part of me still loves you, even though we're moving on.
How the hell did he take this? I don't get it. But I don't really want to comment on it for social reasons, but I really really want to know! Omg.
Tutoring was a big relief. I know my stuff and it's so easy compared to math class.
I got a new computer program and it lets me draw stuff. SO COOl! It's called SketchBookExpress.
Really want to see Grand Torino. It was playing at the downtown theatre for one day but I missed it.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have to retake my test, and I don't want to see people, it feels like there's so much pressure in going to school tomorrow. Too many responsibilities that I don't want to deal with.
The color of the sky: Light as if ready to float away on the breeze. The color of a child's balloon, unspecified. Though it has a concrete color the sunlight distorts it making it shimmer like the Mediterranean in the evening. Light blues the color of a baby's room, dark blue the color of a flag left in the wind, teal blue of an album cover, reflective navy black of office windows, white blue of snow, darkening ridged blue of the ocean floor, grey tinted blue of the view out the hotel window, all put together. Like that picture.
It's time I put an end to this story so I can begin a new. Maybe that's what weighs so much.
How the hell did he take this? I don't get it. But I don't really want to comment on it for social reasons, but I really really want to know! Omg.
Tutoring was a big relief. I know my stuff and it's so easy compared to math class.
I got a new computer program and it lets me draw stuff. SO COOl! It's called SketchBookExpress.
Really want to see Grand Torino. It was playing at the downtown theatre for one day but I missed it.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have to retake my test, and I don't want to see people, it feels like there's so much pressure in going to school tomorrow. Too many responsibilities that I don't want to deal with.
The color of the sky: Light as if ready to float away on the breeze. The color of a child's balloon, unspecified. Though it has a concrete color the sunlight distorts it making it shimmer like the Mediterranean in the evening. Light blues the color of a baby's room, dark blue the color of a flag left in the wind, teal blue of an album cover, reflective navy black of office windows, white blue of snow, darkening ridged blue of the ocean floor, grey tinted blue of the view out the hotel window, all put together. Like that picture.
It's time I put an end to this story so I can begin a new. Maybe that's what weighs so much.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
burnt out candles
Why didn't I publish this...? Dunno. Well here's halloween. October 31st.
It's strange to think that people my age, people I know have had sex with each other. While here I am wishing that I could, while not even having a boyfriend.
Trick or Treat, but before that I went to theatre. Michelle and I sat in the shop for 2 & half hours painting signs and waiting for the paint to dry so that we could paint more. We discussed love, Chris, her crushes, her book which has just been released on Amazon, our futures, people, personalities, jobs and such. It was simple and relaxing like a cup of tea. And we talked about the Mexican food that was for dinner. It was really good!!!!!
Then Emi, Elaina and I went Trick or Treating. At first it felt like an awkward memory or a distant dream, like something was off, not right. It was fun, and I got to know Elaina. But now I have a bunch of candy. I'm gonna get fat.
Back to yesterdays lunch. Do I really need people. I love the attention I get and the love people give me but is it really necessary all those people. I could spend Christmas eve alone, standing on the streets of our town hearing the bells toll away the hours past midnight. The only sign of light are the yellow sepia street lamps that light the empty streets and Christmas lights. Just stand there in the middle of the street watching the snow fall on an undisturbed scene. A moment that seems to last forever. Does that mean that I'm anti social or just out there. But some company would be nice, quiet peaceful undisrupting company that I can sit with read, and drink tea.
I FOUND IT!!!! Danish music! Rasmus Seebach. I found more of his music. I really fell in love with Glad Igen. Well I haven't listened to it for a while, but I looked him up just now and there so much music! Horray for Danish pop.
The color of the sky: A chilling grey, wind swept and carried away from it's cold native lands. It carried waves of doubt instead of rain, clouds of indignation instead of condensates ocean water, storms of emotion instead of lightning and lonely songs instead of thunder.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else notices the color of the sky.
Walking under the arch like every day in a desperate attempt to find him, a chance conversation that could come to pass, was my luck in a gracious mood. Today fate presented two paths I could have said hi, but in that moment the weight of rejection or false sincerity before more false characters was unappealing and not wanting to break the cadence of the music blasting in my ears morphing the voices around me beyond any recognition. As I walked alone towards the school doors I could hear someone screaming my name trying to break the barrier of the music or maybe it was just my imagination protruding into reality loud enough that only I could hear it. Wither way I didn't turn. Slow steps altered so that the echo of my heels was deliberate. Like a movie scene when the soundtrack has died down to a simple piano melody. The cool breeze followed me after the doors had long closed behind me.
It's strange to think that people my age, people I know have had sex with each other. While here I am wishing that I could, while not even having a boyfriend.
Trick or Treat, but before that I went to theatre. Michelle and I sat in the shop for 2 & half hours painting signs and waiting for the paint to dry so that we could paint more. We discussed love, Chris, her crushes, her book which has just been released on Amazon, our futures, people, personalities, jobs and such. It was simple and relaxing like a cup of tea. And we talked about the Mexican food that was for dinner. It was really good!!!!!
Then Emi, Elaina and I went Trick or Treating. At first it felt like an awkward memory or a distant dream, like something was off, not right. It was fun, and I got to know Elaina. But now I have a bunch of candy. I'm gonna get fat.
Back to yesterdays lunch. Do I really need people. I love the attention I get and the love people give me but is it really necessary all those people. I could spend Christmas eve alone, standing on the streets of our town hearing the bells toll away the hours past midnight. The only sign of light are the yellow sepia street lamps that light the empty streets and Christmas lights. Just stand there in the middle of the street watching the snow fall on an undisturbed scene. A moment that seems to last forever. Does that mean that I'm anti social or just out there. But some company would be nice, quiet peaceful undisrupting company that I can sit with read, and drink tea.
I FOUND IT!!!! Danish music! Rasmus Seebach. I found more of his music. I really fell in love with Glad Igen. Well I haven't listened to it for a while, but I looked him up just now and there so much music! Horray for Danish pop.
The color of the sky: A chilling grey, wind swept and carried away from it's cold native lands. It carried waves of doubt instead of rain, clouds of indignation instead of condensates ocean water, storms of emotion instead of lightning and lonely songs instead of thunder.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else notices the color of the sky.
Walking under the arch like every day in a desperate attempt to find him, a chance conversation that could come to pass, was my luck in a gracious mood. Today fate presented two paths I could have said hi, but in that moment the weight of rejection or false sincerity before more false characters was unappealing and not wanting to break the cadence of the music blasting in my ears morphing the voices around me beyond any recognition. As I walked alone towards the school doors I could hear someone screaming my name trying to break the barrier of the music or maybe it was just my imagination protruding into reality loud enough that only I could hear it. Wither way I didn't turn. Slow steps altered so that the echo of my heels was deliberate. Like a movie scene when the soundtrack has died down to a simple piano melody. The cool breeze followed me after the doors had long closed behind me.
pretty impractical shoes on a dreamy blue night
It's calming to get on facebook after a party. There's this calm feeling of relief. All those people are gone, you're left alone with your thoughts, and the pictures of the party. It's like it's own quiet world.
I cried today, for the first time for someone other than myself. We put on a show to commemorate the Ukrainian WW2 freedom fighters. And until we got on that stage I had no idea how powerful and moving our words were. So I cried on stage.
The show's been going really well! I've seen it twice. It's a really good show. So if you'r in the are, come sea Bloody Bess - a tale of piracy and revenge!
Friday I wore my pretty impractical high heels. That was fun. Everyone complimented my shoes. Also 1st hour we screwed around and didn't do anything. Actually we arm wrestled and played ninja. We got swag. (This is with a bunch of freshmen. I love them now.)
Tomorrow going out for breakfast with family friends. Oh joy. And tutoring. Can life get any better?
The color of the sky: A dark dreamy blue. No stars but the faint reflection of light off the stadium lights isn't a bad replacement. It's cold but not unbearable. It has the feel of a calm perfect evening walk after a loud even with friends. Click clack heels on the pavement, a warm sweater, and a purse on our way home.
Where the life we've lived slowly turns to memory and words on paper.
I cried today, for the first time for someone other than myself. We put on a show to commemorate the Ukrainian WW2 freedom fighters. And until we got on that stage I had no idea how powerful and moving our words were. So I cried on stage.
The show's been going really well! I've seen it twice. It's a really good show. So if you'r in the are, come sea Bloody Bess - a tale of piracy and revenge!
Friday I wore my pretty impractical high heels. That was fun. Everyone complimented my shoes. Also 1st hour we screwed around and didn't do anything. Actually we arm wrestled and played ninja. We got swag. (This is with a bunch of freshmen. I love them now.)
Tomorrow going out for breakfast with family friends. Oh joy. And tutoring. Can life get any better?
The color of the sky: A dark dreamy blue. No stars but the faint reflection of light off the stadium lights isn't a bad replacement. It's cold but not unbearable. It has the feel of a calm perfect evening walk after a loud even with friends. Click clack heels on the pavement, a warm sweater, and a purse on our way home.
Where the life we've lived slowly turns to memory and words on paper.
Tuesday, 30 October 2012
take me to the movies on a winter day
The hurricane hit. Well in a sense. Really bad winds, we got something along the lines of hail and sleet I spent all my classes wishing it was snow, with no luck.
Didn't see Chris at all. But I ran into Jess, I think he's avoiding me. That might be smart on his part. I keep telling people about Chris, I'd be surprised if he didn't know that I like him.
6th hour we had a sub. And Dakota was sober again. I'm actually feeling proud of him.
Oh I spent lunch outside by myself. I honestly just didn't want to deal with people as much as I love most of them. It was like last winter. I never though of this before, but I never really minded being alone I don't think I ever really wanted someone to come by and say hi or start a conversation.
Michelle and I went downtown to put up yard signs. That was fun and we got a bunch of food! Ice cream, cup cakes, tea, soda, cinnamon role, bagel. There are now a bunch of pirate flags hanging up around downtown.
The color of the sky: Cream soda flavored, as your sitting in a cafe looking out the window at the stormy sky. The grey shades are contrasted with the colorful umbrella's that appear. And you don't mind the weather, it'll give you a chance to relax, enjoy the refreshment you have bought. Then later the melody of rain drops on the roof of your lovers house will submerge you into a peaceful dream.
Didn't see Chris at all. But I ran into Jess, I think he's avoiding me. That might be smart on his part. I keep telling people about Chris, I'd be surprised if he didn't know that I like him.
6th hour we had a sub. And Dakota was sober again. I'm actually feeling proud of him.
Oh I spent lunch outside by myself. I honestly just didn't want to deal with people as much as I love most of them. It was like last winter. I never though of this before, but I never really minded being alone I don't think I ever really wanted someone to come by and say hi or start a conversation.
Michelle and I went downtown to put up yard signs. That was fun and we got a bunch of food! Ice cream, cup cakes, tea, soda, cinnamon role, bagel. There are now a bunch of pirate flags hanging up around downtown.
The color of the sky: Cream soda flavored, as your sitting in a cafe looking out the window at the stormy sky. The grey shades are contrasted with the colorful umbrella's that appear. And you don't mind the weather, it'll give you a chance to relax, enjoy the refreshment you have bought. Then later the melody of rain drops on the roof of your lovers house will submerge you into a peaceful dream.
Monday, 29 October 2012
"see heaven's got a plan for you" p.s i'm an atheist
The internet has been down. But now it's back!!!
Tech week has officially started. And it just a way for me to stay away from home, avoid my family and wander around school at night.
We had a bunch of mini adventures today. 1. Michelle and I snuck into the big theatre, climbed up on the scaffolding and sat there conversing about love while listening to a piano violin duet. It was really cool. The colors were faded, cause the lights were blue, orange and white. It looked like a movie. Through the curtains we could see the grand piano, and the duo half hidden behind the massive contraption. The music was beautiful.
2. Dan, Michelle and I followed Mathew to the bathroom. We stood outside singing songs, apparently serenading him. I swear he was hiding from us. It was really funny. And apparently she sounds like Rhianna and I sound like Taylor Swift (people tell me that a lot, and ask me why I'm not in choir. Cause my voice tends to die a lot).
3. Walking around the school building looking for the vending machines.
I actually did do my homework, I'm done with math for the next TWO days!!! Bam!
Weekend. It really sucked. My parents got pissed that I wasn't doing my homework and slacking off. And I got mad and it ended in tears and slamming doors. Also this guy that was suppose to email me about the posters didn't. And I called him like 20 times. Really really stressful stuff. To sum it up it was spent crying.
And today I almost cried again.
For starters I did not want to go to school at all. I was late to 1st hour, again. 2nd hour was funny did you know omphaloskepsis is contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation. Right before 3rd hour, passing time I walked past Chris. We made eye contact and in that moment I was contemplating, smile, wave, say hi? Well...he winked at me. I was smiling so much. I seriously though I was going to cry. I almost did.
3rd hour, boring. 4th, sub. 5th reading. 6th, math and 7th hour homework. 7th hour...meh.
After 7th hour I went downstairs to see if I could buy some food. I was starving all I'd eaten in the last 24+ hours was a waffle and a peppermint. Fumbling around in my backpack pockets I found myself 10 cents short of any food. Ready to admit defeat I see Chris walking out from the Athletic hall way, making funny gestures trying to act black will all his so called swag (and shit), finally he waved and stretched his arms out for a hug.
I took it. For one moment it felt as if we'd gone back to before yesterday to a time that this was our every day ritual. "Hey, wassup. So do you have 10 cents?"
"Nope. I'm broke."
"I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"What are you still doing here?" (He doesn't have a 7th hour).
"Hm. I dunno. I need a ride home. Maybe I'll take the city bus."
"You don't have any money..." He ran off, there wasn't much of an actual good-by but in that moment I swear I was so happy, I think I really did almost start crying. I walked to theatre hands over my mouth for some reason hiding my smile, ready to wipe away tears of pure joy.
The color of the sky: It looked like snow. Snow that falls on the side walk in front of school. Pure and white, then as the foot prints imprint their patterns in the snow a grey dirtied color. But still beautiful, how could snow not be?
Tech week has officially started. And it just a way for me to stay away from home, avoid my family and wander around school at night.
We had a bunch of mini adventures today. 1. Michelle and I snuck into the big theatre, climbed up on the scaffolding and sat there conversing about love while listening to a piano violin duet. It was really cool. The colors were faded, cause the lights were blue, orange and white. It looked like a movie. Through the curtains we could see the grand piano, and the duo half hidden behind the massive contraption. The music was beautiful.
2. Dan, Michelle and I followed Mathew to the bathroom. We stood outside singing songs, apparently serenading him. I swear he was hiding from us. It was really funny. And apparently she sounds like Rhianna and I sound like Taylor Swift (people tell me that a lot, and ask me why I'm not in choir. Cause my voice tends to die a lot).
3. Walking around the school building looking for the vending machines.
I actually did do my homework, I'm done with math for the next TWO days!!! Bam!
Weekend. It really sucked. My parents got pissed that I wasn't doing my homework and slacking off. And I got mad and it ended in tears and slamming doors. Also this guy that was suppose to email me about the posters didn't. And I called him like 20 times. Really really stressful stuff. To sum it up it was spent crying.
And today I almost cried again.
For starters I did not want to go to school at all. I was late to 1st hour, again. 2nd hour was funny did you know omphaloskepsis is contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation. Right before 3rd hour, passing time I walked past Chris. We made eye contact and in that moment I was contemplating, smile, wave, say hi? Well...he winked at me. I was smiling so much. I seriously though I was going to cry. I almost did.
3rd hour, boring. 4th, sub. 5th reading. 6th, math and 7th hour homework. 7th hour...meh.
After 7th hour I went downstairs to see if I could buy some food. I was starving all I'd eaten in the last 24+ hours was a waffle and a peppermint. Fumbling around in my backpack pockets I found myself 10 cents short of any food. Ready to admit defeat I see Chris walking out from the Athletic hall way, making funny gestures trying to act black will all his so called swag (and shit), finally he waved and stretched his arms out for a hug.
I took it. For one moment it felt as if we'd gone back to before yesterday to a time that this was our every day ritual. "Hey, wassup. So do you have 10 cents?"
"Nope. I'm broke."
"I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"What are you still doing here?" (He doesn't have a 7th hour).
"Hm. I dunno. I need a ride home. Maybe I'll take the city bus."
"You don't have any money..." He ran off, there wasn't much of an actual good-by but in that moment I swear I was so happy, I think I really did almost start crying. I walked to theatre hands over my mouth for some reason hiding my smile, ready to wipe away tears of pure joy.
The color of the sky: It looked like snow. Snow that falls on the side walk in front of school. Pure and white, then as the foot prints imprint their patterns in the snow a grey dirtied color. But still beautiful, how could snow not be?
Friday, 26 October 2012
Headaches and heartbreaks
Today feels like it's been forever. The day just dragged on. The headache started around lunch.
Half way through the day I realised for the millionth time since school started how many people truly love me for who I am. And the day got better (minus the head aches).
You have to love yourself and your life before you can love someone else, or something like that.
I guess I can wait (does the fact that we might never get together mean that I don't love you?).
People kissing in the stairwell. Huddled into a corner, I couldn't see the girls face. The boy was tall, bleach blond hair, and a black leather jacket that looked like Ren's (Nana, manga), baggy dark blue jeans. She was wearing black shoes, heels. That intertwined with his clumsy nike's. Skipping class but who cared?
Stressed out cause this guy won't call me back or email me bout the posters! Maybe that's why I had a headache.
I saw Jess today. His face rather than it's usual composed state seemed pretty irritated, actually mad. And, since he was looking at me I couldn't help but feel that it was somehow my fault in the slightest. But his expression made me smile. Walking away from me he looked smaller, more fragile. And now that I think about it everyone important looked that way today. Maybe it was just my imagination.
It smells like Christmas here. Probably cause my mom was cooking for her book club. Or maybe it's the perfume she only wears for important engagements, or the smell of an unusually clean house. Whatever it was I just wished it was snowing outside.
The color of the sky: Grey and lonely like a cold wind across the tree line. Utter silence. Nothing is heard, only the wind. That was the color today. But it was noisy, ever car that passed by shattered the silence. I just wanted to yell, shut up! I don't want to hear anything, not right now...
Painted nails tie me to the earth while I wait for true love
I was standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the private apartments that happen to be my short cut. There's a small park and for a while I just stood there wondering whether to go swing or not, contemplating an even bigger concept of do you go do what you want or follow the path straight to your goal. It only takes a split second to decide. Somehow I found myself walking towards the swings.
Backpack off, the shoes were the next thing to go. Slipping my ipod into my bra I started swinging. Higher, higher. No one was there. The silence was consuming, as if that was all that was left in the world. Then I jumped. Maybe it was for the thrill, or cause I wanted to fly. As I let go of the swing I could see my shadow in front of me, lurching forward, propelled by some outside force. My body hit the ground hard, for a second I though I really could die. Instead I just lay there, looking up at the sky wondering why I was doing this. Thinking this must look so stupid, and why am I not high, cause then it would totally make sense. I'm going crazy, the idea slipped into my mind, yeah maybe.
I mean what other person sees the world in the pictures that no one will ever take. When I see the guy I like (for example) kissing another girl all I can think is damn that looks so pretty. What's wrong with me? I don't think I'm going to soccer again.
I just ate a banana and my stomach hurts so much now.
Jess didn't die. I saw him today. Wearing his green sweat shirt thing.
We had a sub in 7th hour so our group started talking about sex. Actually Emily brought it up. We made a list of places we would want to do it. It was a great conversation, just one of those that is funny makes you think kinda, and is a fantasy. We all had different points of view. Premarital sex, sex after marriage, sex with a boyfriend, 1 night stands, monks. It made my head ache go away for a while. And Ivanovich got us chocolate. 90%.
Lunch we just sat there. Emi, Krystal, Jini, Aron, Tammy, Olga and me. Talking, braiding hair, listening to music. Waiting till the very last minute to go to class.
The color of the sky: Light blue that faded out like old paper at the edges. The only wrinkles were a few white clouds. The heat made the whole thing seem surreal.
There's only one pair of shoes at the house at the edge of the world now.
I guess I forgot to post this...this is yesterday the 25th I think...
Backpack off, the shoes were the next thing to go. Slipping my ipod into my bra I started swinging. Higher, higher. No one was there. The silence was consuming, as if that was all that was left in the world. Then I jumped. Maybe it was for the thrill, or cause I wanted to fly. As I let go of the swing I could see my shadow in front of me, lurching forward, propelled by some outside force. My body hit the ground hard, for a second I though I really could die. Instead I just lay there, looking up at the sky wondering why I was doing this. Thinking this must look so stupid, and why am I not high, cause then it would totally make sense. I'm going crazy, the idea slipped into my mind, yeah maybe.
I mean what other person sees the world in the pictures that no one will ever take. When I see the guy I like (for example) kissing another girl all I can think is damn that looks so pretty. What's wrong with me? I don't think I'm going to soccer again.
I just ate a banana and my stomach hurts so much now.
Jess didn't die. I saw him today. Wearing his green sweat shirt thing.
We had a sub in 7th hour so our group started talking about sex. Actually Emily brought it up. We made a list of places we would want to do it. It was a great conversation, just one of those that is funny makes you think kinda, and is a fantasy. We all had different points of view. Premarital sex, sex after marriage, sex with a boyfriend, 1 night stands, monks. It made my head ache go away for a while. And Ivanovich got us chocolate. 90%.
Lunch we just sat there. Emi, Krystal, Jini, Aron, Tammy, Olga and me. Talking, braiding hair, listening to music. Waiting till the very last minute to go to class.
The color of the sky: Light blue that faded out like old paper at the edges. The only wrinkles were a few white clouds. The heat made the whole thing seem surreal.
There's only one pair of shoes at the house at the edge of the world now.
I guess I forgot to post this...this is yesterday the 25th I think...
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
Fingertips that smell like purfume
Burning scented candles in my room. I wish I could burn something else like my math homework.
Mom, leave me alone for christs sake! I'm not going to the homework if I know I'm not gonna get the credit. She fucking pisses me off. This is MY life so I'll do what I want thank you very much.
I locked myself in my room for most of the evening eating only french fries. And when I say I'm not hungry it means I'm not hungry, aka I don't want any food, so don't make me any, and don't ask me 10 more times!
I spent about an hour talking with Michelle and Steph. Michelle was sitting on my lap while we chatted about guys and relationships. I can still smell her on my clothes, it's so relaxing.
Today was...ehh. Didn't do anything except math. Stupid fucking math test. I though I was going to die. It was so hot in that room, and my head hurt which didn't help the thinking process. And I didn't know the answer to anything without actually having to think. It sucked. So I bought myself a coke afterwards.
The color of the sky: A lighter blue, more like a sober spring day before finals than a carefree fall day.
This morning there was fog. It rose out of every corner of the town. Pilling up like snow, obscuring the miserable view. Tree tops were all I could see through the thick clouds. It was almost like the school was protected by it, or maybe it was trapping us in. I stood there looking at if for a moment, and I was late to class again.
Mom, leave me alone for christs sake! I'm not going to the homework if I know I'm not gonna get the credit. She fucking pisses me off. This is MY life so I'll do what I want thank you very much.
I locked myself in my room for most of the evening eating only french fries. And when I say I'm not hungry it means I'm not hungry, aka I don't want any food, so don't make me any, and don't ask me 10 more times!
I spent about an hour talking with Michelle and Steph. Michelle was sitting on my lap while we chatted about guys and relationships. I can still smell her on my clothes, it's so relaxing.
Today was...ehh. Didn't do anything except math. Stupid fucking math test. I though I was going to die. It was so hot in that room, and my head hurt which didn't help the thinking process. And I didn't know the answer to anything without actually having to think. It sucked. So I bought myself a coke afterwards.
The color of the sky: A lighter blue, more like a sober spring day before finals than a carefree fall day.
This morning there was fog. It rose out of every corner of the town. Pilling up like snow, obscuring the miserable view. Tree tops were all I could see through the thick clouds. It was almost like the school was protected by it, or maybe it was trapping us in. I stood there looking at if for a moment, and I was late to class again.
I feel like this post has the smell of candles attached to it. Carries the feeling of the end of a hard day somehow carefree. Makes you want to listen to a punk rock band while wishing it was summer or raining outside, or both. Maybe it's just me.
Tuesday, 23 October 2012
When you have nothing to live for do you just die (where did all the good things go)?
Am I going crazy? I think it's just a phase it'll pass in a week or so. It started yesterday when I noticed something was just wrong. When I got home after school I changed and just sat there, doing absolutely nothing. I wanted to clean and my room isn't that big of a mess. But every time I tried to start I couldn't. Each paper contains something, important of a memory. And when I start looking though it I get stuck on them reading, hanging on to every word, remembering. I just can't clean it.
Then today it really hit me. First it was the smell in the hallway, the smell of rain. It made me think of all the things in my life. The messes I've made, all those responsibilities, all that shit that we call life. On top of that being all alone. It was suffocating. The next things I know I'm thinking why am I not talking to Chris. I should be. I should have just talked to him instead of waiting. What am I doing now? Why is everything like this? It's all my fault what the hell.
I just want to yell or better yet paint or talk to Chris. I can't keep this all inside it just doesn't work.
Do I have depression or withdrawal or something?
I walked past Chris #2 in the halls. It was totally unexpected. I haven't seen him since the week before homecoming and that seems like a lifetime ago. At that moment I though he reached out as if to catch my hand. Maybe it was just my imagination, although it made me wonder if he still liked me.
Dakota's on fb right now telling me I'm cute. Well ain't that something. He's probably high. We have an interesting friendship.
Today while waiting for my mom Michelle and me followed Mathew around. Talking, hugging running around. She throws out several times, Mathew you guys would be so cute, go date her. We totally evaded the subject, side stepped around it. It was funny. I love those two. They make the bad days bearable. Mathew has an interesting relationship with his brother. It's so subtle but you can immediately see the change in Mathews face when they talk. It's like he's trying to tolerate him but he doesn't like him at all. Apparently I'm the only one that notices.
Jess died. I haven't seen him in two days. What would I do if he OD-ed? I still can't stop drawing him, most of my characters end up looking like him, his face, hair, clothes. I'm never gonna forget him, am I.
The color of the sky: It was clear like the other days with a sight patchwork of grey and white clouds. Dispersing after a light rain.
Yesterday I left everyone and went outside. I found a new corner. This one is surrounded by window where I can see myself reflected back at me. It's small and out there, most people don't even bother going that way since it's far out. I sat there doing nothing. The air was refreshing and sounds carried on the soft blowing wind but there was nothing to be heard. Sitting there everything seemed so calm, nothing to worry about. I could almost have said that I could just die.
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