Become the wind once more before 3:31 when the magic wears off

I absolutely adore our new director. I mean I am a bit weary of him but I love his directing style. It's movement oriented. Warm ups are like yoga, and the movement on stage is great. He makes you feel yourself in the space, find your weight. During one of the stretches today I looked up, everything was moving slow, nearly frozen, the dust particles floated in the light, scarcely moving, just hanging there. It's really inspirational.

Plan test today. Sucked my brains dry, couldn't think afterwards. Big tests do that to me. It sucked. Now I just want to sleep. People are becoming a bit more fun to hang around, though it seems like I'm noticing a lot of things I refused to notice before, like how obnoxious some people are and how childish others are. Well that's ok for now.

I've been cleaning my room. It's improved a lot, but the mess on the floor is growing. I'm starting to think that I need to calm down, work out all the problems in my life, clean this mess and be content with it all before I can go off and do just anything. I think it's some concept of equality and yin and yang or something. Maybe I really should become a Buddhist...polytheist at least (officially).

I don't think I'll ever finish that english project...

We were talking about Matt one day. A group of us from theatre. I guess everyone really does think he's conceited, egotistical and stuck up. Even his sister thinks that. Maybe I'm just refusing to notice the bad things about him. I kinda stopped paying that much attention to him. I mean I just don't know. Like I mentioned about Gunnar, there really are so many people out there I just gotta open my eyes and really look. That's kinda why I want to travel the world so bad, I've got to see it all for myself, or else what's the point, for me at least. Back to Matt, doesn't anybody see anything good about him? Or are his jokes also self centered. I don't know...and I had so much fun during competition...

I've been listening to Ghibli songs all evening now. And they pretty much sum up me for the last 15 years of my life. I've fallen in love with them and the movies they accompany. And it's kinda sad for some reason, I just feel like crying. I'm not leaving it behind, but it sure as hell feels like it. It's like a final good-bye one that feels right, the right choice and I want to go but I don't want to leave. It's the same as the start of a new journey, a helluva long one at that. The muscles in my arms are tight, it's as though their still trying to hold on till the final moments.

You know I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I'll be sixteen. I won't be a child anymore, I sure as hell will still look like one but I won't be. Honestly that is just so sad. Never again am I going to be 15, or younger than 16 for that matter. I should be happy, but I want a moment to just accept that but the world seems to be moving so fast right now and I can't find that moment. So I guess I'll just have to accept that at 3:31 tomorrow morning I'll become 16.
So tonight in my dreams, let me become the wind, carry me away and let me dream of a fantasy world of my own...full of magic, witches, wizards, castles, dragons, spirits, demons, magical creatures, and all those other wonderful things.

Now that I think about it, I've spent my whole life reading faerie tales, I wonder if I'll ever find my own...

The color of the sky: Anything but dreamy. Dull grey clouds like smudges of pencil lead drawn across the gloomy sky. Blue but dreary, so distant from perfect summer skies, where it life could almost be a dream, a fantasy, if you try hard enough. The sad part is no one else really cares, so you'r on your own.

Why can't I just go outside and waltz with a stranger who ends up being a wizard...or wake up tomorrow in a whole nother world...why not...?

When the magic wears off, I just hope it's not forever.

An account of two days spent dreaming

Why is it that on saturday when your driving down the street, the sky is grey and lit but there's no sun, it's almost like an illusion, and the streets that are usually a mess are empty lacking people and cars and life. Why is that so sad...

Watched Jurassic Park with the family, and now there's a lingering feeling of that terror that I felt as a kid, afraid of the shadows under my bed, goblins ready to whisk me away to their underground taverns and wizards planning on reviving their army of the dead.
Source Code on the other hand was very relaxing and a great joy to watch. I really liked it. Reminds me of a Philip K. Dick novel. Leaves you with that mystery and wonder of science fiction.

Emi and I went to the library today. It was another adventure, just like Ayu and Nina (from ultra maniac, well sorta) bought books at the sale, did work, goofed off, stalked people on fb, talked to Sophia, walked around downtown looking for food. We ended up eating in this chinese restaurant, the walls were lined with mirrors and their was music, the kind you would expect in an french movie made by Americans. The food was great though! Emi ordered a spring roll and I ate it, while I ordered soup and she ate it. That always happens. The curry was good too.
I put on too much perfume and I could smell it, all over me. Like flowers, snowdrops, bunches of them, set in bouquets around me.

The color of the sky: It opened up like a box of wonder revealing a blue sky, blue like the endless northern ocean scattered with ice burgs upon which the titanic sank.

Some secrets are best kept untold.

Daydreams are what keep me awake

My head slid onto the open book. Please let me sleep. I nodded off, listening to the music a bit too loud to hear my teacher in case she yelled at me. Well clearly she knew better and poked me to wake me up! Well how rude is that! Then I went and kinda slept in the hall way, Don Jose joined me too. It wasn't too bad, but I know what I said but we can still be friends, as long as this shall last. Awww that makes me think of my diet...I want it to be summer so I can eat fruit Popsicles cause that'll be perfect! And I can cook for myself cause I'll have time, and I'll go on looong walks and bike rides, and swim in the mornings. Ah just thinking about it is wonderful.
Back to today. I went to theatre and did tech. I was sooo out of it. It was really funny, the director told me to do something the wrong way (as a joke) and I looked up at him with this confused, tired look he totally though I believed him it was great! I mean I wasn't that tired, I can still think. Matt laughed too.
Walked home, it was cold.
I ate too MUCH for dinner. I Was planning on eating yesterdays fried veggies but my dad ate them! Grrrrr...I need to eat more for breakfast and less for dinner...sigh. Hey at least I didn't eat any sweets  today! Tomorrow I get cake for my brothers birthday but I'll eat as little as possible! Promise!
6 more days till sweet sixteen. It's weird, cause I don't want to grow up, but I'm looking forward to this. Maybe it's the independence that kinda comes attached.

The color of the sky: Muddled like mixed paint water, colors added and added to become a swirling mix of grey and white, hints of purple, indigo and paling blue surfacing as the liquid swirls and churns as the invisible paintbrush adds more color, making it darker and darker...

When you are your imaginary friend

I walked home, it's rather calming and I don't care what people think. It was silent, and my loud thoughts filled but hath that, the rest was the sound of wind whispering like voices in the night into mine ears, and the sounds of vehicles droning in the distance.
I've been letting my thoughts take me far away today. Zoning out and going places and times that are rather impossible I should believe. I've also been talking to myself...It went something like this in 7th hour...

“See ya.” I said, loud enough to make everyone aware of my good-bye.

“Chao.” Came the reply he didn’t look back and I didn’t care. I said it out of spite. After all I’d spent the last hour talking to myself in my thoughts (about love, and how I would be so much fun to talk to in an empty stairwell when I'm feeling lonely and that began a beautiful friendship with myself...) and convincing myself of multiple things. 1. I can’t like Jose and I can’t date him. 2. My timing is shit. 3. I have a good imagination. Too good for my own good. 4. I must be pretty lonely if I have to talk to myself about my own problems. Oh well I suppose it will save me someday when I’m all alone lost in my thoughts and I won’t have to think, hey what am I doing all alone talking to myself. I guess I am doing myself a favour. Let’s see what else stupid is happening that I have to talk to myself about then write it down for good measure...Well here's a list of all the things I want to accomplish health and body wise (let's not write it down it's too long) and mentally and I think I'm gonna start memorising Shakespeare... Oh and one more thing, I love Shakespeare, I love reading it, aloud too! I feel like I'm missing out on that...shit. That leads me to my conclusion. The one thing to fear is fear it's self, not auditions nor anything else.

And those are my thoughts.

I have homework...sigh. I love walking it's so calming.

Didn't have power yesterday. Nothing much happened. We built a snow fort, had a snow ball fight, I shovelled snow, went on a walk, went to soccer, sprinted a lot, and now I'm sore. We also lost power for a while so I didn't do my homework.

The color of the sky: Everything was covered with snow. Pine trees bent down stretching their limbs towards the earth. The roof tops supported their heavy loads as the sun rose into a white wonderland. Everything was covered with a foot of snow, it seemed as though even the sky had been smothered by the downpour, everything was white. After a while the streets were filled with muddy skid marks and snow forts decorated the landscape. As evening fell the orange light of streetlamps reflected off the snow and filled the sky.

Ok I need to stop eating chocolate...I just ate a whole packet of it...I'm done. No more of this...starting NOW!

Chocolate isn't any better

I sat there for a while, just looking at the computer screen. My eyes drifting across words, trying to understand the language, then the meaning, then the context then searching for a reply. It was quite in the class, or maybe it was just that my music was veiling the noise. І was messaging Ivanovich who was sitting a few seats behind me. We were suppose to be working on something. As if. So I just fooled around, doodling and talking to him. Unrequited love, birthdays, chocolate, and saying sorry because there was nothing else to say. We haven't talked in a while...not since Emily left the class and Ivanovich's goodbye to Mina.

I saw Matt today, and I still can't really figure out why he wears super warm and heavy snow gloves that are red. I just don't get it...it's not THAT cold at school...

Art was hilarious today. Eleanor took one of my people sketches of Alice (a character I created) and started drawing over her. Turning a sweet and innocent girl into a rebellious punk teenager with a boyfriend and a dead cat. I couldn't get over the cat part. It was just too funny. We're gonna do a bigger version when we get back to school. Hopefully tomorrow'll be a snow day. Knock on wood!

On the topic of snow days, todays weather was insane. After the ritual walk with Jose and Mari and Oceane (another friend), Mari and I set of home. From rain to small hail to bigger hail to snow. It was as though I was walking through a rainstorm in winter. Boots instead of galoshes, a coat instead of rain jacket, jeans instead of short. Walking through snow with an umbrella, daydreaming about boys and what not. Hell it could have been a rainy summer day.

The color of the sky: Again white fluff fills the sky. Blowing in circles and settling down like pigeons on wires, bending down trees and covering roads.

Watching Ultra maniac, gosh it's time consuming...

Sometimes (on accident) I forget you exits and when I see you again I try to forget on purpose

Today was just calm and relaxing. I didn't have to deal with shit, I turned in my homework, got to class on time, read, talked to people, didn't listen to my ipod. It was just nice.
We worked on the mural in art club. And our director didn't show up for the read through.

I think meeting Gunnar really influenced me, if that's the right way to say it. It made me realise that there's more people than just my school. There's really people out there, not just figures on t.v screens. And there's so many more possibilities than the ones I've already dreamt up. There's so much out there and even more for me to find and see for myself someday. I really wish Nate would give me Gunnars email.

I went on a walk today. 3o minutes to myself. 30 calm, soundless, people less minutes of walking.

I decided to set goals for myself:
- read at least one book every week
- go on walks
- make a to-do list and actually do it
- eat fruit
- actually listen to the new albums I get
Each one every day. Except the first and last.

I think I'm on my way...in a sense...

The color of the sky: Crisp blue, crunching under children's feet like milky ice spread across a sidewalk on a snow day, or leaves scattered by the wind over the tennis court. And a full globe of a moon, rising slowly into the sky, like a lantern being lifted up to guide the way.

Or maybe I just need a boyfriend.


Oh! Chris and I had a moment today. He was walking down the stairs and I up, we looked at each other, like strangers not awaiting a hello. He tilted his head and smiled, the kind of silly smile with eyes half closed, it kinda makes him look like a duck. I mimicked him almost out of habit, half mocking, half genuinely happy to see him. We didn't look back. There's no reason to. It's like 90% dark chocolate. Bitter and tasteless overlaying something sweet.

How about a peach smoothie while I wait for your reply

Well I'm finally home after that looong drive. I think the last time I posted was after Magic kingdom so here's alllll that happened after that...

We walked to epcot, where we walked some more, went on all the rides then went back to the hotel to swim. I slept. I woke up to my brothers racket and my mothers lamentations of wasting time. So I changed into a dress, grabbed my sun hat and ran out the door behind them. This time we went through the cultural section. Wandered around, ate food, too much food, went on the rides. As we were waiting in line, rain clouds closing in I found myself looking into eyes like the grey white storm clouds. They were like the sky after a storm at sea, calm, dusty grey. He wasn't that attractive, but his eyes were something else. He was tall, leaning against a wall, back curved, staring down at his ipod. Beanie on his head, covering light brown hair. A cool, observant face, that looked me over without hesitation. When I blushed and looked away he simply watched me, as the ride pulled away I looked back, wondering if I should wave or not. I didn't.
We walked around till the fireworks started. I watched inspired by the color, the beauty. Fireworks are always my favorite part.

Universal studio's was next. Entering Harry Potter land was like walking into a dream. It felt real, despite the surges of people, wandering through. Anyways it was magic. The little shops of Hogsmead, the train, the castle...vendors of pumpkin juice and butter beer, children scurrying about in cloaks. Honeydukes. It was all an adventure. The rides were fun, and as we walked out it was like the dream was disappearing, fading out into the cold dreary morning.
The rest of the park was fun too. Got all wet on the barges. And that's when we met Maria. A friend form camp. Well we went off to go on the roller coaster together. I never noticed this before but she's about as strange as I am, and kinda a bitch. I mean not really but part of her just annoys me so much. It wasn't too bad though...I guess.
Ate dinner with their family at the Hard Rock Cafe, which was actually really cool. And I got a Thing 1 and 2 hat. It's great! I'm totally wearing it tomorrow.

Then we left Disney. It was Saturday already and we were off, heading home with one last stop at Legoland. I was praying here. Praying that there would be someone, anyone to take away my boredom. And guess what! My prayers were answered. On the second big ride I found myself eyeing a gorgeous blond teen. And let me tell you. He had hair that flips out, and bangs that drifted over his eyes, and each time he would shake his head like a dog, letting movement clear his face. His eyes were blue, I can remember them so clearly, thats how much time we spent looking at each other. And his smile was cute. Unsure, playful, curious. His friend, shorter, brown hair, the sidekick of the hero, started to flirt. Winking at me, making call me signs. After the ride, the blond winked and called out to me, in return I waved and smiled sweetly. It was game after that. We'd see each other and immediately we'd find a way to get together. The best one was the boats. They got in line after me and we floated down this river, hardly saying a word but laughing and teasing each other despite that. We ended up exchanging numbers.
The brunet who's name is Nate txted me, to my dismay Gunnar (even his name is attractive) did not have a cell phone, he did have an email which Nate has not given me yet. But we talked, and teased and flirted. And I'm still waiting for the email. It kinda sucks though cause their from Massechustes. But hey you never know.

Drove home. Did my home work, well most of it. Watched a movie and bed! I can wait till tomorrow though.

The  color of the sky: Pastel, blended together to form a rainbow. But not in the ordinary red, orange, yellow...colors but in pastel pink, peach, mango, green tea, and ocean candle blue. Dust bunnies forming over the masterpiece and a country side landscape drifting underneath.

Sweet dreams Gunnar.

Florida Adventures

I haven't had internet for a few days now, or otherwise have been to tired to post. I'm in Disney world at the moment. Enjoying my time here for the most part. I really do like Disney it's the family part that's a problem. I get no time to myself, to study, work out, make my own food it's getting really frustrating. At least I still have time to write...

The last few days we drove to Florida and stayed with my great great aunt who's 90...we helped out and cleaned and listened to her talk. We had to sleep at her house on night. It was...interesting. At least we didn't have to eat at her house. But it's nice there. Miami beach. The February nights are arid, with cool ocean breezes blowing in. I spent several hours one night outside writing. It's so inspirational and calm I can actually think. We left yesterday and drove to Orlando.
The hotel here's pretty nice but I don't have any privacy what so ever it really sucks. Yesterday we went to Downtown Disney ate, looked at Lego's, shopped, acted like a pretty normal family. Then today we went to Magic Kingdom, which is my favourite. I think I dressed perfectly for the occasion, pink polka doted shirt I got with Emi at Forever21, jean shorts and mismatched pink, white and striped socks. We walked around all day, it was great! I've never felt so happy with my family (in a while) we just walked and my legs hurt but they feel so good! Best workout I've had in a while...I think my favourite rides are It's A Small World, Alice In Wonderland Teacups, and Peter Pan. I used to love those as a kid, I guess I still do. We saw the fire works from the top of the mountain roller coaster. Watched the light shows and parades. As the sun was setting and people were wandering into restaurants we were heading for the Presidents exhibit thing, when I look up to find a golden hair boy, his soft winding curls immediately caught my attention. We were walking past each other, and in that second that lasted forever we looked at each other, watched as we walked past turning our heads at the same time to catch one last glimpse. It was strange, since people normally look away. He was gorgeous, my age, thin, his eyes matched mine, only they were a more blue version. Blue like lapis lazuli, shimmering in all colors dark pupil in the centre. I hope I'll see him again. But the best things arrive unexpected. So it was probably a one time moment of wonder.
I got a big Cheshire cat pillow pet. It's so cute! And soft. I had a huge debate with myself about whether to get an Eyor of Chesh. Eyor was so soooft. But I think I'll have very good dreams now.

I've been txting Michelle constantly. Her brother was killed a few days ago... I love talking to her. And I think my idle talk helps even if it's just a bit.

Epcot tomorrow. Hope we get  to eat Japanese food.

The color of the sky: It never became dark. Every second of darkness was lit, each time with new color as fireworks burst like water balloons into the night sky. Scattering their shooting stars all over the crowd, in awe with wonder. I think the fireworks are always the best part.

Happy thursday

So I've been worried about just about everyone, Michelle, Larissa, Dan, Mari, and gosh people have problems. It's not their fault it's just life and the timing of it.

Art was great! We were trying to come up with ideas for our designs and Crystal lay on the floor with her feet stretched up. It was just too good. Then Tom (he's a junior, love him! his laugh reminds me of Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate) started reciting Macbeth. And Eleanor was only concerned about the fact that the floor was dirty and I just laughed.

I ate a lot of cookies today. Simply to account for the fact that no one gave me chocolate. Kinda sucked. But then again I don't need that stuff...cause I wanna be skini...and it's working!
Does Don Jose like me? I don't know. I miss Matt's car...that old maroon shoe.

Going to Florida tomorrow...not sure if that's good or bad. If they have a work out room at the hotel it's good. I can start running. It's still cold up here. But if it gets warmer after break I'll start biking. But I have been walking home from school which is very nice and relaxing, when my back pack is not full to the brim with books.

Today's movie was Finding Neverland. I never get tired of that movie. It's just so inspiring and heart breaking. And boy is Kate Winslet gorgeous! Though I'll always remember her as Hanna from The Reader, which I will definitely be watching sometime this week.

Today is just a blurb of thoughts bubbling in no conceptual sequence.

The color of the sky: Casting shadows, distinct and defined. A thick line between what is light and what is shaded. But it is not black and white, but gold and grey. Showers of falling stars from cracks in the universe descend into our atmosphere casting light and causing shadow. From a blue rainy cloud in a midst of grey shines the biggest and brightest start. Glowing the color of melted gold, drifting slowly past the earth.

Sunset in my veins

We had re-auditions today along with the rest of the auditions. It wasn't too bad actually. I did so much better! Articulation, slowed down, kinda understood what I was saying. The I walked home. Spring air danced in the drifting sun rays that crept across the busy streets I crossed and barren grass strips between them. It was like a day from 9th grade. Nostalgic and perfect. A happy feeling of the good things to come that never will. The feeling of liking Jess. Innocence and ignorance. And I was listening to Fall Out Boy.

I did finish The Graduate. Honestly I was expecting a much darker and sadder ending, but I liked it. A lot.

I had an orthodontists appointment. My braces really hurt now. Their pink and black. To match my nails and love less, hopeless, single, tired Valentines Day. I'll go shopping tomorrow.

I did part of my english homework. Aren't you proud of me?!
I sure am.

The color of the sky: Clear bright blue. A swimming pool that has just been cleaned. The chlorinated water sparkling in the sunlight. Inviting out the California girls with their pretty bodies, attracted to the water like flowers to spring.