In New York City with an Instagram account

It's been quite a while again and thought I don feel the serious need to write anything I'm bored out of my mind and no ones txing me back. I'm in manhattan at my summer program. The things that went in this last week I can tell you about later. Right now I'm all alone with no friends in a city I've only dreamed about. The rooms nice a bit small and awkward or so it seems to me. All my expectations of this place have been picked apart one by one and I'm left with only hope that thing will get better.

The resolution

Finals are OVER! I'm so happy. Even if my final grade in french may be a b+... well whatever.
Mathew ended our so called relationship. Which is for the best, and it really kicked off my summer. It was like present, like here is your freedom, all wrapped up in simple confused words of a teenage boy. He did it over text.
I spent the first part of the afternoon with theatre kids, Nanny, Michelle, Nick, Nicole, Kelly. Then after a few hours of video games, home made pizza, and college talk I headed to the bus stop to meed Emi downtown. We walked around, looked at clothes, bough cake batter ice cream, sat and drew. It was simple, and relaxing. Eventually we took the bus part way home, stopped to get Chinese food at an empty restaurant, where the Chinese workers wandered around doing college homework and calculating tips. Rite aid was next, barrettes, makeup, and matches. I learned later that you have to be 18 to buy matches. So we did something illegal under semi legal terms...maybe? Well it was interesting. We still don't quite know how we got them.
I think I might dye my hair...or just the tips. The color of summer so that I never forget...

The color of the sky: Splattered with glow stick residue, lit across the sky by the afterglow of the sun, they shone a light turquoise blue over dark blue skies.

If I say I'm going to do something I do it...Emi's right. I think that's the best way to live. Don't be afraid to just live.

We begin the end of this journey now...

Hey guys!!! I'm at school again, and just finished my 7th hour final, which was acting out a scene from MidSummer.
Class is boring.
I didn't mention the rest of this weekends events which were Banquet and Mathew.
Well Mathew was depressed again and we hadn't been talking, we feel out of touch a bit, and things were awkward...so he txted me while I was at school asking if we were going to be ok, if I had feelings for him and such. Well I'd been thinking that what if this distance was because I didn't like him anymore...oh it was really bad. I didn't want to hurt him but my own happiness matter so much. So I told him that I had feeling just they were a bit mixed up...and that we should just be friends for now while we sort things out. He ignored me at banquet mostly. But during our directors speeches and the senior moments I started crying, and he was sitting next to me, of course, he took my hand...
After tearful farewells, hugs, year book signatures and the directors speech to me. He told me that when I first walked in that little scared freshman, he though I would shatter. "But you stuck through it, and you have become such a big part of this group and a leader. Your a great actress and you will take this group far. Thank you for everything."
I'm tearing up just writing about it, but we'll all move on and continue to live and make the most of our time here.
Well after all that, I was in the lobby when Mathew came to say good-bye. I honestly thought that that would be it. We said our farewells and he hugged me. It was such a funny feeling...like I was ready to let go of him, and move to something else, but not...that's when he began talking. "I'm sorry. Can we start over?" He meant it. And I wonder if I did the right thing...I kissed him. That was the kiss that was meant for our good-bye...

Just because you breathe doesn't mean you're alive

Emi and I went skinny dipping. It's official. Summer has begun.

Secret agent coffee

I enjoy looking at my dirty feet in the mirror, and my hair that looks ok, even through I really need to shower. My eyes look as though their outlined with mascara but I'm sure it all came off by now. I don't want to go to bed, I just want to keep talking to Michelle and eating pop tarts. It's only 11:20, nothing to worry about tomorrow, not really...

Today was lovely! I skipped 3rd hour with Emi and Nick and went to the river, got coffee on the way. We spent the hour taking pictures, advertising coffee in very sexual ways displaying very lesbian and incestual action, eh not really, well kinda, but it was funny. People who don't know us would think we're crazy. But it was fun! A freedom I almost forgot existed...it had that feeling...like cake after months of dieting, a warm breeze after winter, coffee after finals, sleeping in the first time in a year and waking up to the afternoon sun streaming through your window, the smell of the library, hearing someone tell you they like you after wishing so hard. Happiness, that's what it was.

Ever since I got home, things were eh. My parents found out that I skipped. And Mathew... Actually first my dad and I watched the Ukraine game. They won! It was great! Then things went down. So to cheer myself up I've been listening to disney songs and opera, for like 4 hours now...it helps a bit. And wandering around the basement, where I sorted through barbie dolls, and found a white scarf that's not warm, just white...Talked to Mathew...We are slipping...there's only one week, not ever till school gets out, I know things will be fine as far a summer is concerned but longer than that...

The color of the sky: Foggy grey, weight down with winter winds and blue feelings...but we managed to find warmth in each others company today. It was fun. Winter skies and summer spirit.

Lemon drop candies

I finally finished my english final after 5 hours. Omgosh it feels great to be done. I'm going to get an A because I b.s.ed it pretty well and it's 10 pages long. I constitute that as a passing grade. And it actually doesn't matter, but it makes me happy.
I really need to shower...I haven't eaten since breakfast? I don't know. Actually I had fruit snacks. I live off of those now, they taste so good! Though I really wish my family bought the target kind...? or maybe it's wallmart. Not really sure, but those ones are the best kind. Costco's are fine too.
We really slacked off in english today, we were suppose to be doing our scene from Midsummer (nights dream) which we did, but we really goofed off after the first like 20 minutes. It was so nice out, and people kept coming by and saying hi and yea. Anyway it was fun. Tomorrows the last full day of school. It's strange, that things are ending. I'm going to be a junior next year, but people still think that I'm 12.
Oh and I only ate 2 cookies today! Improvement.
I should go do math and french now...darn.

The color of the sky: Lined with street lamps, like lanters shimmering above the blue black murky waters reflecting the lights that guide the wandering souls.

Oh my god, I want toast. But there's no bread...

the death of finals

I watched 500 Days Of Summer yesterday instead of doing my homework. Today it's Farewell My Queen, but I'm also going to finish my english final. Cause that ones due this friday. It so strange that the school years almost over. As much as I long for that, it seems strange...It's that moment before something wonderful happens and your stranded in limbo. I should re-read Lights Out in Wonderland, that was such a good book.
I complied a book list for the summer, 20 books. I should probably pay off that massive library fine that I've got... Anyways, Book 1: Eight White Nights.
Theatre ended. Now there so much free time, and nothing to do...so I waste time as always.
Mathew and I snuck into the makeup room after school and lay around on the couches for a while. It's so quiet and empty, but it will always feel like home...

The color of the sky: Glass reflecting sunlight which scattered across the looming purple clouds to the east. Which cast a shadow dampening the bright colors of summer.

Ohmygosh why is english so hard...

What is the color of summer?

I finally can write and think about something other than Mathew. Actually I really stopped thinking about him a week ago, I just didn't have anything to say that didn't involve him. And now summer's almost here. 8 more days of school, and all I want to do is sleep and run away from all these people, to just go and leave it all behind. Everything and everyone.
Wanderlust...
I dunno, I feel like things I'm saying make sense in my mind but who knows if they're right or even realistic.
Also I keep getting this feeling that instead of being almost adults, we're just kids. We have no control over our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. It weighs down on me, and I wonder how insignificant are we?
I need to stop eating cookies.

The color of the sky: Clear chlorine blue, the kind you see reflecting the sunlight when you look up from the bottom of a pool. Like summer.