Take me to your world, he said

I trudged to school in rain boots after a 50% precipitation report appeared on my computer screen. All day I prayed for rain, and it didn't come...it was rather disappointing.
Isaac and Nicole broke up...he's depressed. It's like a cold that's going around, one after another we're all catching it and slowly dying of it.
Up in the Air came out today!!!!!! Listened to the previews on itunes over and over again. I wish I had one more itunes gift card so I could just get the album! I want it so bad!
I got to visit Sophia today! I didn't realise how much I actually missed her. We talk all the time but it was so different seeing her in person. I can't wait till Mathew gets to meet her. We got Fufu berry juice and ice cream and just talked. It was like old times, back at the other school. So different but the same in a way. Nostalgic...
Mathew and I have been getting along great. He cleared up the dating thing, his parents don't want him to. It's a bit irritating, cause I feel like he's just doing what they want and not what he wants. But it's ok, the feelings are mutual and after all it's just a label. We've been talking a lot more, and really getting to know each other.
OH AND NOW IT RAINS.
Anyways...its funny though, we talk but we also have these long silences when we're together. When we just sit there and that's all. Its as if we both understand that we don't need words to express our feelings, and we can just be together.
Michelles having really big issues...she's depressed and for good reasons, her brother got killed a while ago. But she can't get over it. And she's so uncertain about her relationship with Nick. It really bugs me cause one of them's going to get hurt and I'm sorry to say it will be her fault...but Nick will blame himself and so will she and it's going to be horrible. I just don't know what to tell her exactly. And she's trying to "help" with my relationship, but it's just making me so uncertain about things.

The color of the sky: Building clouds, piling up like mounds of clean linen. Tinted a light pink as if someone had left an article of blush colored clothing in the wash.

Oh he actually kinda said that...he said that he wants to see my world. And to get to know the girl that reads, the girl he fell in love with.
I just wonder about Nikki sometimes...

Come on come on, jump a little higher.

Oh I don't know what to say anymore.
There's constantly so many thoughts going through my mind about him.
1. Do I love him.
2. Why aren't we dating?
3. He really turns me on.
4. I want to do everything with him.
5. He needs to stop just kissing me.
and it goes on and on and on...yeah. Let's see...I left off on monday...so that's 6 days. Well we didn't really do anything over the week till friday (I mean we kissed and made out and stuff...but whatever). Friday I skipped class and was talking to Nick alone. And Mathew walked in on us. We weren't doing anything, I was just trying to help out with Michelle. He got really jealous. It was cute in a way but a bit annoying. He should know that Nick and I are like brother and sister. He was sulking the whole first bus ride. After we got off, and we were waiting for a while, he asked this random taxi driver when the bus would come. It wasn't even that funny, but I just laughed and laughed. My laughter is contagious and soon we were laughing and back to normal. So we ran to get cupcakes, which was really funny and stupid and we made the bus!!! That was great actually. I think it was after that that I stopped minding the kissing. We had an adventure and I shared a big part of my life and love of fantasy with him in that moment, even if he doesn't understand yet...
I really do want to do everything with him. Stupid adventures, parties, dances, everything! Maybe I am actually falling in love with him...
I noticed that I stopped caring that he's really cute I just love his personality, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so confident about me (sorry about all the lovey dovey stuff).

Today was a friends MORP (prom spelled backwards), her birthday party/prom/party. I wore my mothers old dress, white with black polkadots that was just a bit too big along the bra line and kept sliding down when I put my hands up. Mathew wore a matching tie. It was SO FUN! Party in new york with out the drugs and stuff. We just danced and were weird together. Everyone there was from theatre or we knew them somehow so it was just perfect. We slow danced...oh and this was at a Mormon Church...of all places. We ran around, messed around, were all weird together. I just can't describe it all, maybe I'll post a picture later. We walked around the church, talking about each other, kissing (while walking it doesn't work), laying outside on the grass ignoring the rest of the world...later the txts were perfect. Him: "I love you to the moon and back."
Me: "I love you all the way across the channel of guilder, cliffs of insanity, the fire swamp and back"
We're Princess Bride geeks.
And yeah....that's my life and I should write more about it and less about Mathew...

The color of the sky: Clear purple velvet blackness, with a half moon glowing orange above the church spire. A glimmer of stars raining down through the darkness.

Oh there so many things I want to just describe...but they get lost in that moment, and I can't bring them back...

I wish it were an ending cause it'd be a happy one

It's a funny thought knowing that you took someones first kiss.

Today was like hell and back all over again. I saw him in the morning, and he looked horrible. Tired, sick, not good at all. We met up for lunch with Christopher, and you could see it on his face how annoyed  he was at something...probably Christopher. Well it was super awkward, and afterwards as I walked him to class we started talking, and he says: "So I think we like each other, and we know that, I mean we've said it quite often recently. So if I'm right we're kinda a thing, but we're just...not together right?" I died. "Yup we're a thing but we're not dating."

We are officially unofficial!

The rest of the day was well pretty wonderful. I skipped 7th hour and sat with Mathew in the practise room, txting Sophia and just talking. 

Rehearsals were great today too, really funny, and stuff. 

After all that we took the bus home. He put his arm around me like he always does. It's just this time for me it was different. I couldn't stop thinking that what if I was wrong, what if I don't like him, why did I do this? That's when I kinda finally fully acknowledged it. I'm getting depressed or something. Cause I haven't been eating, can't sleep, haven't been happy even when he txts me and cuddles with me, shit it's happening all over again. It's been a while though...I just hope it's a minor case and me just recovering from the emotional roller coaster. I should have felt so happy then, but I just didn't and it felt horrible, especially me questioning the fact that I like him. It's like that box deep in my mind where I hid all the horrible things, all the loneliness and depression and it's leaking...He kissed my forehead so many times. And I felt like I should just die of happiness but I didn't feel anything...

And I'm so scared cause I don't want to put him through what I went through cause of his problems. I don't mind, and I've survived, but I dunno what it would do to him...

Well at the end of the second bus ride. After more cuddling and stuff, and him asking me when I would teach him how to kiss, lol. He was getting off...and he leaned down to kiss my cheek and I leaned up to kiss his, and there was that moment of perfect being. Right before what could be the happiest moment is this equilibrium...it's so beautiful. And we kissed. 

#high school drama

I woke up to a txt message sent the night before from Mathew. I replied and fell asleep (it was 6:32). When I woke up again I though it was all a dream. But it wasn't. He'd asked how the movie was, and sorry if he woke me up. I wrote that it was good. We had a few more awkward chats, but nothing big until I finally sent him, "listen to Lullaby by Nickleback."

That song clearly describes what I wanted to say and relate to him, the depression, how scared I am, that I'm there for him. Him "='( I don't know what to say."And the conversing began.

He told me about Christopher. I was messaging him on Fb last night. And he likes me. I know but Mathew told me. "He really likes you..." It wouldn't be that bad but they're friends...it was terrifying. I've mentioned before that one of my greatest fears is rejecting people...it sucks.

Then he asked why I liked him. "You can't ask why about love." I love the fact that I can just quote these things. Makes me feel a bit better about stuff. He didn't press it.

What else was there. It's all buiried in piles of endless txts...oh I finally said it. 

"I'll wait for you. Just don't push me away and don't tell me I don't deserve you I'll decide that for myself. And I'm really scared too." I think that really cleared up some stuff...It really lightened up after that. I'm still scared that nothings going to change in the long run and it's just a temporary solution...We'll just have to wait and see.

Chris also started talking to me. And it's really bad cause he really likes me. And Mathews jealous...and it's cute. And things are starting to look up I think. Mathew sent this to Chris:

"in the near past we did express to each other that we both liked each other. Nothing has been set in stone and right now i'm not to interested in being in a serious relationship. So i mean right now were just enjoying each others company as good friends. And that's all it is right now! Nothing more and right now Chris I think you should just have nothing intentional than being just her friend right now. If that's meant to be it'll happen, but only time will tell."

It makes me really happy...so maybe it will work out....

Roller coasters won't kill you...i hope

I went to see The Great Gatsby anyways with Michelle and Nanny. We make a cute perfect trio. All through the movie I couldn't consentrate. I just kept thinking about the empty seat next to me. There was a couple in front of us and I just kept thinking about us and our bus rides.

I used to think a lot about the future. Now I hate that word. It has no meaning. Only the present matters now. What I can do right now, and not waste any more time.

After the movie the trio went to Starbucks ordered coffee and cookies and settled down at a small circular table and started talking. Mathew's been talking to Michelle, it's such a relief actually. Cause now I can talk to her about the problems. The problem is he's trying to convince me that I shouldn't be with him but he tells her that he doesn't think I deserve him even though he wants to be with me. "We accept the love we think we deserve". It's so confusing and messed up...He's suicidal right now...funny that all three of us have been there...now at least 3 people know. Actually I've had episodes while writing the blog..I just hope that this situation doesn't lead to that, cause one person wanting to kill themselves is enough. We talked about our problems with boys amidst funny conversations and the usual summer plans and such. I was shaking when I set Mathew the txts and terrified every time the phone buzzed.

When I got home the fb world opened up. Talked to Michelle who was talking to Mathew, she's our go-between now. And Chris, the freshman who's close friends with Mathew, he's a nice kid. And I started talking to Sophia and told her about the depression I've had, and stuff, and we've really opened up to each other. I've been talking to a lot more people and it really helps. I guess I really do need people sometimes. I told Mathew that I've spent so much time aloe that I've gotten used to it, that or I'm just good at lying to myself. Both probably. And it's true, but having someone to talk to and that will listen is just...so helpful. Also thanks AozoraYume, really thank you.
I fell asleep crying at like 2 am...It was bad.

search: "My boyfriend is depressed what do I do?", wait...he isn't my boyfriend

Last night, was probably one of the worst things that has happened to me in a while, but I know it's just gonna keep getting worse.
Before these 10 days I would go to bed not really caring, just to sleep and slip away from reality for a bit. For 10 days I didn't want to sleep, fearing that I would wake up and it was all just a dream. Now I don't want to sleep because I'm so scared that if I fall asleep I'll wake up and he won't be there anymore.

I left of with the question of if he was depressed or not. Well he told me that he's depressed and it's really bad. And the txt message that I got last night...I just didn't know what to do. I'd just gotten out of the shower in a really good mood since he'd asked me to see the Great Gatsby with him and some friends (double date) right before that. I heard the phone ring, checking the message all I saw was "I'm so sorry". That was the second part...the first part :
Right now we just need to be friends. Nothing more, I'm sorry but stuff is happening to me and you don't deserve a guy that can't even stand himself. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future we can do this again but right now I can't risk having you or me hurt.

I still don't totally know what to say. But I messaged him on fb about it. And I just couldn't write down all the things I wanted to say. I just couldn't find the right words for anything. There's so many questions and things I want to know. He can't just assume some of these things but others I can't argue. And just as everything was going to be fine it's just...ending. But I can't just let it end like this. He's all that I can think of now. "I've walked to close to love and now I've fallen in." Maybe that's it. I don't know. I'd normally talk to Nicole, but I feel like this time it's different...

I couldn't sleep last night, well I did eventually cry myself to sleep...that's all I can actually seem to do, is cry and write down everything in long lists on paper. I want to show him the things I've written, all the questions I want to ask him all the things I just can't say over fb and txts. I'm just so worried about him now and really selfishly about me and our relationship. I should just be worried about him cause he's the one going through some really rough shit, but I can't help but think about the rest of it...what's gonna happen to me. I'd do anything for him to get better, but there isn't much to do except stand by him and now that he's pushing me away...I just don't know anything anymore.
I tell myself that I've gotta be brave, but it's so hard cause I've never been this scared in my entire life.

I'm running short on inspiration and he's running long on borrowed time

"You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

I'm chasing it!

I guess it's been a while...again. It seems like everything and nothing goes on all at once.

Red shorts
my rooms smells like camel popcorn even though it's peanut butter and pretzel remnants
missed kisses
sunflowers
allergies
talking to Sophia
young love
Depression
Weight
txt messages
beautiful

I need to start writing down this dream of reality before it disappears forever, erased by the rain.
I left off being mad at Mathew well a lot changed. 10 days has become another lifetime.
It was really awkward between us for a few days, I was scared to talk about it and I think he was too. Then Wednesday May 1st after rehearsal he asked if I wanted to take the bus home with him. So I said hell why not. The first ride was like releasing a breath that we'd been holding in for much too long. Teasing, flirting and laughing at each others sarcastic remarks (sarcasm is how we communicate). The second ride we sat in the very middle of the last isle. And after a few semi awkward minutes he noticed that my hair was being picked up by the A.C. His adorable worried and innocent face accompanied his fretting voice that made me laugh even more. To fix the problem of my hair he put his arm around me. It was a moment as if every txt message and teenage love story dream had suddenly begun. I would look up and meet his brown eyes and smile.
After the bus incident we started talking a lot more, the txt messages never ended.

May 4. Saturday after the last show Michelle invited him to the cast party. Everyone was nagging at us to kiss and crap and it was a bit unnerving actually cause he did say he didn't want that but with the stuff that happened...it was getting awkward. When he left Dan yelled, I love you! Mathew replied and I yelled back I love you. He then txted my that he didn't love me, then "jk, i love you". Our txts that night went on till 2:30. The conversation started with the question of whether or not we should date. At this point I was at home, sitting in the centre of a rug in my room burning candles and cookies and praying to all spirits of the world that it would work out. He said he still wasn't ready and didn't want to get hurt or have me get hurt. I understand, I replied. Then I told him I like him and he said that likewise, that he likes me. But after our little touch of seriousness we lost all control over our words. He told me that on the bus ride he wanted to kiss me. So we joked about that and we teased each other for hours after.
That weekend we just talked and talked and as the week started all I could think about was him.

May 6th. Meeting for the next show, we sat there holding hands. It was really sweet. Everyone saw and again the rumours of us dating spread around the theatre like wild fire.

May 7th. Went on a "date" got coffee. And it was really awkward until we got on thee bus where we cuddled and it was cute.

May 8th. We had a "half day" at school. So a group of us theatre kids went downtown to get bubble tea. Mathew started getting a really bad allergic reaction while we were walking there. So while everyone else went off to get cupcakes and get high we stayed at the cafe. I was going to see Sophia that day but seeing as Mathew was looking really bad I txted her saying I couldn't make it and took the bus back to school with him. The usual bus procedures followed. The cutes part though was his red basketball shorts. He started just shifting his wight, moving his legs and such, eventually ended up with a hand in his pocket, good way to hide a boner. We spent the rest of our time laying on the grass outside the theatre holding hands. He tried to kiss me, which was really adorable, but he kissed my nose and later my forehead.
Later that night he txted me, "thanks for staying with me, it really means a lot to me."
"I didn't really do anything...but ok"
"You could have left, but you stayed by my side, thank you so much." I don't understand how I could have left him there. I just couldn't understand it...

May 9th. Today. His allergies were really bad again. And he left early. But I saw him during lunch. Dan was skipping to hang out with us. When we saw Mathew we asked if he was ok, he said, No the allergy medicine isn't going well with the pills I take for my depression.
That actually really scared me. I brushed it off then and we just sat there talking. I saw Nick after 5th hour, by that time I was really in a horrible mood because of people in my class and the thing Mathew said. So I talked to him. And Nick told me that I can't do anything for him, that he (Mathew) has to deal with this on his own, and I just need to be there for him and do the little things that help. That just made it worse honestly. I want to help him so bad, but I can't. He's right, there is nothing that I can do! And it makes me feel horrible. I sat outside wondering about it. The more I think about it the more scared I am for him and what's going to happen to me? I'm falling hard for this gorgeous and depressed boy. What am I going to do...

I'm running short on inspiration for everything, I just don't know what to do anymore. He's running long on borrowed time, failing class, chasing dreams, and things he needs to tell me...