Last night, was probably one of the worst things that has happened to me in a while, but I know it's just gonna keep getting worse.
Before these 10 days I would go to bed not really caring, just to sleep and slip away from reality for a bit. For 10 days I didn't want to sleep, fearing that I would wake up and it was all just a dream. Now I don't want to sleep because I'm so scared that if I fall asleep I'll wake up and he won't be there anymore.
I left of with the question of if he was depressed or not. Well he told me that he's depressed and it's really bad. And the txt message that I got last night...I just didn't know what to do. I'd just gotten out of the shower in a really good mood since he'd asked me to see the Great Gatsby with him and some friends (double date) right before that. I heard the phone ring, checking the message all I saw was "I'm so sorry". That was the second part...the first part :
Right now we just need to be friends. Nothing more, I'm sorry but stuff is happening to me and you don't deserve a guy that can't even stand himself. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future we can do this again but right now I can't risk having you or me hurt.
I still don't totally know what to say. But I messaged him on fb about it. And I just couldn't write down all the things I wanted to say. I just couldn't find the right words for anything. There's so many questions and things I want to know. He can't just assume some of these things but others I can't argue. And just as everything was going to be fine it's just...ending. But I can't just let it end like this. He's all that I can think of now. "I've walked to close to love and now I've fallen in." Maybe that's it. I don't know. I'd normally talk to Nicole, but I feel like this time it's different...
I couldn't sleep last night, well I did eventually cry myself to sleep...that's all I can actually seem to do, is cry and write down everything in long lists on paper. I want to show him the things I've written, all the questions I want to ask him all the things I just can't say over fb and txts. I'm just so worried about him now and really selfishly about me and our relationship. I should just be worried about him cause he's the one going through some really rough shit, but I can't help but think about the rest of it...what's gonna happen to me. I'd do anything for him to get better, but there isn't much to do except stand by him and now that he's pushing me away...I just don't know anything anymore.
I tell myself that I've gotta be brave, but it's so hard cause I've never been this scared in my entire life.
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