I'm running short on inspiration and he's running long on borrowed time

"You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

I'm chasing it!

I guess it's been a while...again. It seems like everything and nothing goes on all at once.

Red shorts
my rooms smells like camel popcorn even though it's peanut butter and pretzel remnants
missed kisses
sunflowers
allergies
talking to Sophia
young love
Depression
Weight
txt messages
beautiful

I need to start writing down this dream of reality before it disappears forever, erased by the rain.
I left off being mad at Mathew well a lot changed. 10 days has become another lifetime.
It was really awkward between us for a few days, I was scared to talk about it and I think he was too. Then Wednesday May 1st after rehearsal he asked if I wanted to take the bus home with him. So I said hell why not. The first ride was like releasing a breath that we'd been holding in for much too long. Teasing, flirting and laughing at each others sarcastic remarks (sarcasm is how we communicate). The second ride we sat in the very middle of the last isle. And after a few semi awkward minutes he noticed that my hair was being picked up by the A.C. His adorable worried and innocent face accompanied his fretting voice that made me laugh even more. To fix the problem of my hair he put his arm around me. It was a moment as if every txt message and teenage love story dream had suddenly begun. I would look up and meet his brown eyes and smile.
After the bus incident we started talking a lot more, the txt messages never ended.

May 4. Saturday after the last show Michelle invited him to the cast party. Everyone was nagging at us to kiss and crap and it was a bit unnerving actually cause he did say he didn't want that but with the stuff that happened...it was getting awkward. When he left Dan yelled, I love you! Mathew replied and I yelled back I love you. He then txted my that he didn't love me, then "jk, i love you". Our txts that night went on till 2:30. The conversation started with the question of whether or not we should date. At this point I was at home, sitting in the centre of a rug in my room burning candles and cookies and praying to all spirits of the world that it would work out. He said he still wasn't ready and didn't want to get hurt or have me get hurt. I understand, I replied. Then I told him I like him and he said that likewise, that he likes me. But after our little touch of seriousness we lost all control over our words. He told me that on the bus ride he wanted to kiss me. So we joked about that and we teased each other for hours after.
That weekend we just talked and talked and as the week started all I could think about was him.

May 6th. Meeting for the next show, we sat there holding hands. It was really sweet. Everyone saw and again the rumours of us dating spread around the theatre like wild fire.

May 7th. Went on a "date" got coffee. And it was really awkward until we got on thee bus where we cuddled and it was cute.

May 8th. We had a "half day" at school. So a group of us theatre kids went downtown to get bubble tea. Mathew started getting a really bad allergic reaction while we were walking there. So while everyone else went off to get cupcakes and get high we stayed at the cafe. I was going to see Sophia that day but seeing as Mathew was looking really bad I txted her saying I couldn't make it and took the bus back to school with him. The usual bus procedures followed. The cutes part though was his red basketball shorts. He started just shifting his wight, moving his legs and such, eventually ended up with a hand in his pocket, good way to hide a boner. We spent the rest of our time laying on the grass outside the theatre holding hands. He tried to kiss me, which was really adorable, but he kissed my nose and later my forehead.
Later that night he txted me, "thanks for staying with me, it really means a lot to me."
"I didn't really do anything...but ok"
"You could have left, but you stayed by my side, thank you so much." I don't understand how I could have left him there. I just couldn't understand it...

May 9th. Today. His allergies were really bad again. And he left early. But I saw him during lunch. Dan was skipping to hang out with us. When we saw Mathew we asked if he was ok, he said, No the allergy medicine isn't going well with the pills I take for my depression.
That actually really scared me. I brushed it off then and we just sat there talking. I saw Nick after 5th hour, by that time I was really in a horrible mood because of people in my class and the thing Mathew said. So I talked to him. And Nick told me that I can't do anything for him, that he (Mathew) has to deal with this on his own, and I just need to be there for him and do the little things that help. That just made it worse honestly. I want to help him so bad, but I can't. He's right, there is nothing that I can do! And it makes me feel horrible. I sat outside wondering about it. The more I think about it the more scared I am for him and what's going to happen to me? I'm falling hard for this gorgeous and depressed boy. What am I going to do...

I'm running short on inspiration for everything, I just don't know what to do anymore. He's running long on borrowed time, failing class, chasing dreams, and things he needs to tell me...