Roller coasters won't kill you...i hope

I went to see The Great Gatsby anyways with Michelle and Nanny. We make a cute perfect trio. All through the movie I couldn't consentrate. I just kept thinking about the empty seat next to me. There was a couple in front of us and I just kept thinking about us and our bus rides.

I used to think a lot about the future. Now I hate that word. It has no meaning. Only the present matters now. What I can do right now, and not waste any more time.

After the movie the trio went to Starbucks ordered coffee and cookies and settled down at a small circular table and started talking. Mathew's been talking to Michelle, it's such a relief actually. Cause now I can talk to her about the problems. The problem is he's trying to convince me that I shouldn't be with him but he tells her that he doesn't think I deserve him even though he wants to be with me. "We accept the love we think we deserve". It's so confusing and messed up...He's suicidal right now...funny that all three of us have been there...now at least 3 people know. Actually I've had episodes while writing the blog..I just hope that this situation doesn't lead to that, cause one person wanting to kill themselves is enough. We talked about our problems with boys amidst funny conversations and the usual summer plans and such. I was shaking when I set Mathew the txts and terrified every time the phone buzzed.

When I got home the fb world opened up. Talked to Michelle who was talking to Mathew, she's our go-between now. And Chris, the freshman who's close friends with Mathew, he's a nice kid. And I started talking to Sophia and told her about the depression I've had, and stuff, and we've really opened up to each other. I've been talking to a lot more people and it really helps. I guess I really do need people sometimes. I told Mathew that I've spent so much time aloe that I've gotten used to it, that or I'm just good at lying to myself. Both probably. And it's true, but having someone to talk to and that will listen is just...so helpful. Also thanks AozoraYume, really thank you.
I fell asleep crying at like 2 am...It was bad.