When you are your imaginary friend

I walked home, it's rather calming and I don't care what people think. It was silent, and my loud thoughts filled but hath that, the rest was the sound of wind whispering like voices in the night into mine ears, and the sounds of vehicles droning in the distance.
I've been letting my thoughts take me far away today. Zoning out and going places and times that are rather impossible I should believe. I've also been talking to myself...It went something like this in 7th hour...

“See ya.” I said, loud enough to make everyone aware of my good-bye.

“Chao.” Came the reply he didn’t look back and I didn’t care. I said it out of spite. After all I’d spent the last hour talking to myself in my thoughts (about love, and how I would be so much fun to talk to in an empty stairwell when I'm feeling lonely and that began a beautiful friendship with myself...) and convincing myself of multiple things. 1. I can’t like Jose and I can’t date him. 2. My timing is shit. 3. I have a good imagination. Too good for my own good. 4. I must be pretty lonely if I have to talk to myself about my own problems. Oh well I suppose it will save me someday when I’m all alone lost in my thoughts and I won’t have to think, hey what am I doing all alone talking to myself. I guess I am doing myself a favour. Let’s see what else stupid is happening that I have to talk to myself about then write it down for good measure...Well here's a list of all the things I want to accomplish health and body wise (let's not write it down it's too long) and mentally and I think I'm gonna start memorising Shakespeare... Oh and one more thing, I love Shakespeare, I love reading it, aloud too! I feel like I'm missing out on that...shit. That leads me to my conclusion. The one thing to fear is fear it's self, not auditions nor anything else.

And those are my thoughts.

I have homework...sigh. I love walking it's so calming.

Didn't have power yesterday. Nothing much happened. We built a snow fort, had a snow ball fight, I shovelled snow, went on a walk, went to soccer, sprinted a lot, and now I'm sore. We also lost power for a while so I didn't do my homework.

The color of the sky: Everything was covered with snow. Pine trees bent down stretching their limbs towards the earth. The roof tops supported their heavy loads as the sun rose into a white wonderland. Everything was covered with a foot of snow, it seemed as though even the sky had been smothered by the downpour, everything was white. After a while the streets were filled with muddy skid marks and snow forts decorated the landscape. As evening fell the orange light of streetlamps reflected off the snow and filled the sky.

Ok I need to stop eating chocolate...I just ate a whole packet of it...I'm done. No more of this...starting NOW!

Chocolate isn't any better

I sat there for a while, just looking at the computer screen. My eyes drifting across words, trying to understand the language, then the meaning, then the context then searching for a reply. It was quite in the class, or maybe it was just that my music was veiling the noise. І was messaging Ivanovich who was sitting a few seats behind me. We were suppose to be working on something. As if. So I just fooled around, doodling and talking to him. Unrequited love, birthdays, chocolate, and saying sorry because there was nothing else to say. We haven't talked in a while...not since Emily left the class and Ivanovich's goodbye to Mina.

I saw Matt today, and I still can't really figure out why he wears super warm and heavy snow gloves that are red. I just don't get it...it's not THAT cold at school...

Art was hilarious today. Eleanor took one of my people sketches of Alice (a character I created) and started drawing over her. Turning a sweet and innocent girl into a rebellious punk teenager with a boyfriend and a dead cat. I couldn't get over the cat part. It was just too funny. We're gonna do a bigger version when we get back to school. Hopefully tomorrow'll be a snow day. Knock on wood!

On the topic of snow days, todays weather was insane. After the ritual walk with Jose and Mari and Oceane (another friend), Mari and I set of home. From rain to small hail to bigger hail to snow. It was as though I was walking through a rainstorm in winter. Boots instead of galoshes, a coat instead of rain jacket, jeans instead of short. Walking through snow with an umbrella, daydreaming about boys and what not. Hell it could have been a rainy summer day.

The color of the sky: Again white fluff fills the sky. Blowing in circles and settling down like pigeons on wires, bending down trees and covering roads.

Watching Ultra maniac, gosh it's time consuming...

Sometimes (on accident) I forget you exits and when I see you again I try to forget on purpose

Today was just calm and relaxing. I didn't have to deal with shit, I turned in my homework, got to class on time, read, talked to people, didn't listen to my ipod. It was just nice.
We worked on the mural in art club. And our director didn't show up for the read through.

I think meeting Gunnar really influenced me, if that's the right way to say it. It made me realise that there's more people than just my school. There's really people out there, not just figures on t.v screens. And there's so many more possibilities than the ones I've already dreamt up. There's so much out there and even more for me to find and see for myself someday. I really wish Nate would give me Gunnars email.

I went on a walk today. 3o minutes to myself. 30 calm, soundless, people less minutes of walking.

I decided to set goals for myself:
- read at least one book every week
- go on walks
- make a to-do list and actually do it
- eat fruit
- actually listen to the new albums I get
Each one every day. Except the first and last.

I think I'm on my way...in a sense...

The color of the sky: Crisp blue, crunching under children's feet like milky ice spread across a sidewalk on a snow day, or leaves scattered by the wind over the tennis court. And a full globe of a moon, rising slowly into the sky, like a lantern being lifted up to guide the way.

Or maybe I just need a boyfriend.


Oh! Chris and I had a moment today. He was walking down the stairs and I up, we looked at each other, like strangers not awaiting a hello. He tilted his head and smiled, the kind of silly smile with eyes half closed, it kinda makes him look like a duck. I mimicked him almost out of habit, half mocking, half genuinely happy to see him. We didn't look back. There's no reason to. It's like 90% dark chocolate. Bitter and tasteless overlaying something sweet.

How about a peach smoothie while I wait for your reply

Well I'm finally home after that looong drive. I think the last time I posted was after Magic kingdom so here's alllll that happened after that...

We walked to epcot, where we walked some more, went on all the rides then went back to the hotel to swim. I slept. I woke up to my brothers racket and my mothers lamentations of wasting time. So I changed into a dress, grabbed my sun hat and ran out the door behind them. This time we went through the cultural section. Wandered around, ate food, too much food, went on the rides. As we were waiting in line, rain clouds closing in I found myself looking into eyes like the grey white storm clouds. They were like the sky after a storm at sea, calm, dusty grey. He wasn't that attractive, but his eyes were something else. He was tall, leaning against a wall, back curved, staring down at his ipod. Beanie on his head, covering light brown hair. A cool, observant face, that looked me over without hesitation. When I blushed and looked away he simply watched me, as the ride pulled away I looked back, wondering if I should wave or not. I didn't.
We walked around till the fireworks started. I watched inspired by the color, the beauty. Fireworks are always my favorite part.

Universal studio's was next. Entering Harry Potter land was like walking into a dream. It felt real, despite the surges of people, wandering through. Anyways it was magic. The little shops of Hogsmead, the train, the castle...vendors of pumpkin juice and butter beer, children scurrying about in cloaks. Honeydukes. It was all an adventure. The rides were fun, and as we walked out it was like the dream was disappearing, fading out into the cold dreary morning.
The rest of the park was fun too. Got all wet on the barges. And that's when we met Maria. A friend form camp. Well we went off to go on the roller coaster together. I never noticed this before but she's about as strange as I am, and kinda a bitch. I mean not really but part of her just annoys me so much. It wasn't too bad though...I guess.
Ate dinner with their family at the Hard Rock Cafe, which was actually really cool. And I got a Thing 1 and 2 hat. It's great! I'm totally wearing it tomorrow.

Then we left Disney. It was Saturday already and we were off, heading home with one last stop at Legoland. I was praying here. Praying that there would be someone, anyone to take away my boredom. And guess what! My prayers were answered. On the second big ride I found myself eyeing a gorgeous blond teen. And let me tell you. He had hair that flips out, and bangs that drifted over his eyes, and each time he would shake his head like a dog, letting movement clear his face. His eyes were blue, I can remember them so clearly, thats how much time we spent looking at each other. And his smile was cute. Unsure, playful, curious. His friend, shorter, brown hair, the sidekick of the hero, started to flirt. Winking at me, making call me signs. After the ride, the blond winked and called out to me, in return I waved and smiled sweetly. It was game after that. We'd see each other and immediately we'd find a way to get together. The best one was the boats. They got in line after me and we floated down this river, hardly saying a word but laughing and teasing each other despite that. We ended up exchanging numbers.
The brunet who's name is Nate txted me, to my dismay Gunnar (even his name is attractive) did not have a cell phone, he did have an email which Nate has not given me yet. But we talked, and teased and flirted. And I'm still waiting for the email. It kinda sucks though cause their from Massechustes. But hey you never know.

Drove home. Did my home work, well most of it. Watched a movie and bed! I can wait till tomorrow though.

The  color of the sky: Pastel, blended together to form a rainbow. But not in the ordinary red, orange, yellow...colors but in pastel pink, peach, mango, green tea, and ocean candle blue. Dust bunnies forming over the masterpiece and a country side landscape drifting underneath.

Sweet dreams Gunnar.

Florida Adventures

I haven't had internet for a few days now, or otherwise have been to tired to post. I'm in Disney world at the moment. Enjoying my time here for the most part. I really do like Disney it's the family part that's a problem. I get no time to myself, to study, work out, make my own food it's getting really frustrating. At least I still have time to write...

The last few days we drove to Florida and stayed with my great great aunt who's 90...we helped out and cleaned and listened to her talk. We had to sleep at her house on night. It was...interesting. At least we didn't have to eat at her house. But it's nice there. Miami beach. The February nights are arid, with cool ocean breezes blowing in. I spent several hours one night outside writing. It's so inspirational and calm I can actually think. We left yesterday and drove to Orlando.
The hotel here's pretty nice but I don't have any privacy what so ever it really sucks. Yesterday we went to Downtown Disney ate, looked at Lego's, shopped, acted like a pretty normal family. Then today we went to Magic Kingdom, which is my favourite. I think I dressed perfectly for the occasion, pink polka doted shirt I got with Emi at Forever21, jean shorts and mismatched pink, white and striped socks. We walked around all day, it was great! I've never felt so happy with my family (in a while) we just walked and my legs hurt but they feel so good! Best workout I've had in a while...I think my favourite rides are It's A Small World, Alice In Wonderland Teacups, and Peter Pan. I used to love those as a kid, I guess I still do. We saw the fire works from the top of the mountain roller coaster. Watched the light shows and parades. As the sun was setting and people were wandering into restaurants we were heading for the Presidents exhibit thing, when I look up to find a golden hair boy, his soft winding curls immediately caught my attention. We were walking past each other, and in that second that lasted forever we looked at each other, watched as we walked past turning our heads at the same time to catch one last glimpse. It was strange, since people normally look away. He was gorgeous, my age, thin, his eyes matched mine, only they were a more blue version. Blue like lapis lazuli, shimmering in all colors dark pupil in the centre. I hope I'll see him again. But the best things arrive unexpected. So it was probably a one time moment of wonder.
I got a big Cheshire cat pillow pet. It's so cute! And soft. I had a huge debate with myself about whether to get an Eyor of Chesh. Eyor was so soooft. But I think I'll have very good dreams now.

I've been txting Michelle constantly. Her brother was killed a few days ago... I love talking to her. And I think my idle talk helps even if it's just a bit.

Epcot tomorrow. Hope we get  to eat Japanese food.

The color of the sky: It never became dark. Every second of darkness was lit, each time with new color as fireworks burst like water balloons into the night sky. Scattering their shooting stars all over the crowd, in awe with wonder. I think the fireworks are always the best part.

Happy thursday

So I've been worried about just about everyone, Michelle, Larissa, Dan, Mari, and gosh people have problems. It's not their fault it's just life and the timing of it.

Art was great! We were trying to come up with ideas for our designs and Crystal lay on the floor with her feet stretched up. It was just too good. Then Tom (he's a junior, love him! his laugh reminds me of Dustin Hoffman in the Graduate) started reciting Macbeth. And Eleanor was only concerned about the fact that the floor was dirty and I just laughed.

I ate a lot of cookies today. Simply to account for the fact that no one gave me chocolate. Kinda sucked. But then again I don't need that stuff...cause I wanna be skini...and it's working!
Does Don Jose like me? I don't know. I miss Matt's car...that old maroon shoe.

Going to Florida tomorrow...not sure if that's good or bad. If they have a work out room at the hotel it's good. I can start running. It's still cold up here. But if it gets warmer after break I'll start biking. But I have been walking home from school which is very nice and relaxing, when my back pack is not full to the brim with books.

Today's movie was Finding Neverland. I never get tired of that movie. It's just so inspiring and heart breaking. And boy is Kate Winslet gorgeous! Though I'll always remember her as Hanna from The Reader, which I will definitely be watching sometime this week.

Today is just a blurb of thoughts bubbling in no conceptual sequence.

The color of the sky: Casting shadows, distinct and defined. A thick line between what is light and what is shaded. But it is not black and white, but gold and grey. Showers of falling stars from cracks in the universe descend into our atmosphere casting light and causing shadow. From a blue rainy cloud in a midst of grey shines the biggest and brightest start. Glowing the color of melted gold, drifting slowly past the earth.

Sunset in my veins

We had re-auditions today along with the rest of the auditions. It wasn't too bad actually. I did so much better! Articulation, slowed down, kinda understood what I was saying. The I walked home. Spring air danced in the drifting sun rays that crept across the busy streets I crossed and barren grass strips between them. It was like a day from 9th grade. Nostalgic and perfect. A happy feeling of the good things to come that never will. The feeling of liking Jess. Innocence and ignorance. And I was listening to Fall Out Boy.

I did finish The Graduate. Honestly I was expecting a much darker and sadder ending, but I liked it. A lot.

I had an orthodontists appointment. My braces really hurt now. Their pink and black. To match my nails and love less, hopeless, single, tired Valentines Day. I'll go shopping tomorrow.

I did part of my english homework. Aren't you proud of me?!
I sure am.

The color of the sky: Clear bright blue. A swimming pool that has just been cleaned. The chlorinated water sparkling in the sunlight. Inviting out the California girls with their pretty bodies, attracted to the water like flowers to spring.

Let me ask you a question young sir

I was washing dishes in the skin, green bottles, fancy china and tiny martini glasses scattered around the bathroom alcove. The rushing of water drowned out the conversation but not enough. I listened, quietly, almost wishing I hadn't heard. It was about Matt and Sophie, and how maybe he liked her and all this stuff about him, his personality, how shy he is. It was one of those conversations that after a few minutes you just want to tune out and not bother with it. But I just listened why drying the dishes under the air dryer.

I totally passed out in 7th hour. I'd been so tired all day. After the test, earbuds in... for a while I just listened, and had a long train of thought one thing to the next until it ended abruptly. And I fell asleep. Don Jose woke me up kinda, him and another kid were playing with my hair. I didn't really mind and fell asleep again. I was sure if I woke up I'd have to do work. So I didn't. I was zoned out the rest of the day which wasn't a bad thing at all.

I've gotten a lot of Ukrainian homework done while talking to Jose in the last hour. Though I did want to continue to watch The Graduate this turned out more productive. We keep asking each other questions. It's like the question game in It's Kind of a Funny Story.

I've been loosing weight steadily but I feel like non of my fat is going away and that bugs me. Cause what if it's just water then I become anorexic....not goooood. I walked home today and will tomorrow. It's relaxing. The whole world it grey. Every color is bleached, the colors sucked out and it's a rainy watered down image. I fit right in with my navy blue sweatshirt and black tights. Just the puffy wavy unkept hair tangled and static doesn't really fit.

The color of the sky: lit by orange dandelion street lamps and as grey as the rest of this town. Rainy, and soapy like dish water coffee.

I painted my nails black and sparkly. Like the night sky full of stars.

I will never forget, and neither will you

Saturday feels like a dream. Like it never really happened. Fuck Sunday. It was like waking up to a horrid reality. I just want to forget about it.
The only thing I want to remember, is that baseball player gospel singer who told me, "Little lady, life is hard, you just gotta keep your head up. Ok."

Today I chilled with Emi, did stupid, crazy stuff and went to the mall. I got a shirt and make up. We talked about condoms and birth control and bras.

I think I'll start running tomorrow.

I don't want to go to school. I just want to sleep, run, read, go to theatre, finish the Graduate and sleep some more. Forget about reality and dream...

The color of the sky: Sweeping wind, blowing white dust across the dance floor of the world. This empty deserted place. Grey and rainy, cold and heartless. This forgotten town was what the wind swept through, dragging with it a hint of what I think life was once like, life with snow, and feeling and bright color. Now all that's left is our laughter to paint this miserable scene. Can summer come soon.

Saturday we all danced like no one was watching.

I don't want to miss a thing

I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure

Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you babe
And I don't want to miss a thing

Aerosmith

I don't know if I want to cry, laugh, smile, post something on fb or just sleep. All of those would be nice. Actually I just wish today had never ended. Standing there on that stage, going through the day, everything felt so perfect and fun and I really have had the time of my life. We came in third. I wanted to go to states but we did so good and this is fine. I'm just so happy for all of us.

I feel like retelling our whole story would ruin it's memory...so here's a sum up the truck broke after we loaded it then we unloaded it and waited for an hour. Then the repair man came and we loaded the truck and got on the bus. Got there late, unpacked, saw a show, set up, did the show, did the Hakka so well! Ate somewhere in between. Got feed back from the judges. Packed up. Ate some more. Saw a show. Went to the mini dance party and jammed out with our weird dance to Disco Pogo. Sang Bohemian Rhapsody. Let go. Sat through the awards. We got a costumes award! Got on the bus and drove home. Unpacked. Stopped by Coming Home dance, went "home" to our houses. The end.

I will never ever forget this. It was a moment for all of us. A thing we bonded so much over and I've said this so many times, I never want it to end. Standing on the line before the show, I looked around and I just couldn't stop smiling. This was my family and god I don't know. Sorry for the really sappy and lovey stuff, but this is...well mine. My special things that I will forever have. Theatre. And...yeah...

The color of the sky: It was the most perfect blue. Clear of clouds, just perfect. A white yellow glow at the edges that became light blue than darker but not too dark. Fading out from the blue center. A sky open to the possibilities of today. And all those things...