Let's dance in the rain together....

I left off with a semi heart break and being super annoyed and frustrated at that boy, who is perfect until you get to know him, Mathew. I finally calmed down enough on Sunday to realise that it isn't his fault, nor mine. He's going through some rough times, and I see that very clearly now. It's still really...irritating and rather awkward for me at least. And I want to say that he really meant all that and that he likes me, but I just don't know. There's so much that I want to talk to him about. Ask him if he likes me, as him what's wrong and talk about all that, figure out what's going to happen to us, if there even ever will be two people in a relationship here or just friends. 

Don Jose is sitting behind me right now. It's actually rather funny. Yesterday when I walked out of 7th hour, this hour, there was Mathew and Sia were waiting for me, then Jose walked out. I was literally a love triangle. Right there. All those people present, Sia, Jose, Mathew, me, Mari. 

I haven't been anywhere but fb recently, cause I can just talk to Nicole and Nick about Mathew and all that stuff. 

Today at lunch I stopped by the practice room where Mathew spends every spare second he has practicing. I kinda just sat there and we talked a bit. He's...inspiring. I felt suddenly that I was Shizuku from Whisper of the Heart, when she finds out about Seiji's dreams to be a professional violin maker. Except with Mathew it's music. It's absurd the amount he practises, and no wonder he's failing school. I listened and it hit me what do I want to do, this kid has it all planned out and he's following his dreams, what am I doing? Waiting for him to txt me. It's pathetic kinda...All I do is find ways to run away from the world...he's out there doing something. 

We've been talking again, and my txting's gone up to unlimited. 

I lost 2 lbs. 

I've got A's and B's which will drop to D's if I don't start doing my homework. 

The color of the sky: It turned pink as the storm approached, as the rest of the premise was plunged into a deep indigo dye the outer limits of the world were pink. I stared with wonder at the scene outside the lunch room windows. I hope it rains...and just keeps raining until...until something.

Slipping through the crack in the stage floor

I'm in a venting frustrated mood...so fuck you Mathew.
This religious conflict romeo-juliet story has taken a turn for the worst. Thursday night we txted from 8 till past midnight. Conversations about hating the history class turned into a adventure story that had a happily ever after. After that he asked, "so what's going on in Sky's world?"
"Hw, you know. What about you? What you up to?"
"Oh, just txting this really hot girl and thinking about her."
"Oh, well i think she's txting you and thinking about you too. oops did i say think, i meant is."
"Is she now?"
"Yes."
Establishing that he likes me and I like him. Not too complicated. So we decided to meet after our first hour. He was late, and apologised, and I brushed it off. "No, I meant about the txts last night, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Can we still be friends?"
"Yeah, sure, I mean it's fine. Don't worry bout it..."
He left me standing alone in the hallway as kids rushed to their friday classes. And I just stood there ready to cry, unsure of where the emotions were coming from. Did I really like him?... Well I skipped. Off to the park, and sang for an hour. Letting everything, or as much as I could out through the beat and melody.
He even told me I was hot, cute, really pretty, and I give the best hugs. What the hell. He could have at least said something like, I'm not ready now but if you could wait until I am, or something, don't just say that! Goddammitt.
Emi saw us and said we looked cute together and I couldn't say nothing. So I stayed quiet all day, skipping another class and getting caught. Resulting in some serious arrogance and attitude, crying to get out of it and bunch of good acting. I finally vented out to Nick, Nicole and Isaac. Later to Dan and Elaine. I haven't cried yet but I can't get him out of my mind. This ain't ending this way. It sucks that tomorrow is sunday, cause I need to fix this. I wanted this to solve shit, but instead I've found myself slipping into a vortex of confusion and I don't know what...It's almost like I've been given a perfect chance, the happily ever after, and it's slipping away from me. It's so perfect and yet it doesn't work...really like Shakespearean play.
...He looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink...
I just wish he'd come to the show...or txt me back.

Second chances brought about in winter storms

The world has suddenly become a web of txt messages that tell secrets known to no one that have all become mine. Message by message I became the centre of a love triangle. I became the pretty girl that guys like. It came first as cute confessions and bubbling giggles as they were read aloud during dinner. Later they came as clandestine conversations under tables about quiet loves. Then flat statements about other girls, gossip in bathrooms.

Don Jose likes me, has liked me for a while... Mathew likes me, but he's not sure if he wants a relationship after Nikki.
Mari and Sia like Jose. Mathew is super catholic.
People are arguing over who I should date.
I don't like people.

It's pretty sad though. I mean, it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, but do I really like either of them that much? I've been pulled along for now, but there's still a lingering memory of fall, and worry of hurting someone...actually both of them...and my friends....everyone.

...god the last time I talked about Mathew it was so...forever ago and I seemed rather naive. I'm sure it's not any better 5 months later. Hell...

The color of the sky: A flurry of snow. Reminding me of the never ending winter that I love so much. A second chance of sorts.

Life is a drug, choose well

April 19th was another unconventionally perfect day in some way.
I spent the day chilling in the dark under-stair-well area with Nick. The space flooded with a black and white photographic light. Capturing the moment in a still framed one shot. Pausing on a third floor platform to glance away from Bob, and mutter a shy mumbled hello, to which I received an equally shy response. Rushing through the hallways, as I caught on to the game called skipping class. Stay 1 step ahead of the community assistants and the class principal.

April 21st was a calm undistributed day where I worked for hours on finishing write ups for Ukrainian stuff. It was simple productive work, something I have not done in a long time. The day was concluded with a 10 mile bike ride. Biking my way through downtown, past the university and hospital. Across the empty summer sun-lit roads. There was a boy, with bright orange hair, the color of an obnoxious sweater but if worn by the right person works. He sported a skate board and a tattoo of a weed plant on his neck. I was drawn first to his hair then his face, attractive yet provoking in some way I can't quite describe. I ran into him and his gang a few times. Saw them purchase weed from a rugged almost homeless looking black man. And I wondered if I'd seen him before.

Today Tech week began. It was a vivid blur of color, sound, laughter, music, jokes, hard work, sheer terror, dancing, sitting, and being alive. It's like being high on a hallucinogenic, or so I compare it to the things I've read. It was a happy, bright, hallucination. Complete with twisting dark spots, along the sunlit daisy high way of happiness, gloomy, death filled blue and purple places, between summer shades of yellow, orange, gold, and other bright colors.

I have fallen in love again with 2 things, Jared Leto (and 30 seconds to mars) and Cyrano De Bergerac. Both are inspiring me again! Especially Cyrano. I want to be like him. I really do, his character is simply incredible, and he's so inspiring.

This love is just an inside joke

I slowly made my way across the street. The side from which I departed was lit in the usual manner of orange street lights shining in the midnight puddles under a black sky. On the other side lay a supernatural world. The sky blossomed into a white and orange mix of clouds. The road was deserted, leaving a dark street, fading into eternal darkness. No lights were on, no windows shone of warmth, only the last street lamp shone as a marker. It looked so alone at the start of the street, reminding me of Narnia, or the Neitherlands. Observing my shadow in on the glistening pavement I wondered if I could just walk off...to Fillory...Ah if only it could be so.

"Shhhh!" I whispered pressing my hand up to my face trying to suppress my own amusement as we peered around the corner. We couldn't see much, just the plain iron staircase spiralling up to where the action was taking place.
"TELL ME! I beg you!" "I don't know!" "Please! I'll do ANYTHING." "I don't know, anything!" It went on for a while, back and forth like a pendulum. The left over souls waiting for their parents began to cluster around, hanging on to every word that made it's way down to us.
"Hey let's go to the theatre, maybe we'll see something!" He said, and I followed, my hand still pressed over my smiling face.
The door creaked open, cautiously we stuck our heads through. Coast is clear. Huddling down we leaned forward trying to catch a glimpse of the excitement. The two heads moved closer.
"Oh my god, are the kissing?!" His voice held a note of excitement and slight disbelief.
"No....I think they really are! Shit!" I beamed unable to keep in my excitement. "Shit! They're kissing again?!"
We ran out laughing as though it was the best joke ever. Moments later our crowd broke the intimacy of the moment, laughter spilling from us.

A new beginning over coffee...and the story opens....

Nothing beat listening to the sound of rain hammering away on your roof, while talking to two best friends and sipping warm make shift tea. We talked about dating, Michelle and Nick, how he'd ask her out, how she'd like to be asked out. I've become the operator on a telegraph line, the middle man, a double agent created to bring happiness.

Between listening to Ghibli sound tracks I can hear the thunder and it makes me smile. It's worth it to be alive right now. I mean for the next 2 hours or so life will be perfect. Then we'll wake up and move on. That's ok cause tomorrow's a thursday. A day of love and coffee. Can't fucking wait!!!!!

The makeshift tea or honey and cinnamon is growing stronger as the liquid is drained down my throat while the smell of cinnamon fills the room.

The color of the sky: Streaks begin to form as the clouds fall down in steams or clear and silver, as the last sun light catches the drops.

Run away from life and this time don't regret it

I went on a run today a really long one that turned into an vivid scene. I started running, mouthing the words of the song playing on my ipod. The sky opened up into infinity above me, spots of white on a indigo sky pushed out till they reached the setting golden sun, simmering in clouds of marigold cast on the western horizon, and toward it I ran. I reached the end of the road in triumph, the cross roads was lit like a little city, street lamps, neon signs, cars whizzing by as the sky turned from dusk to dark. It smelled oddly of cotton candy, and a street fair than a cool spring night, as though I had lurched forward in time to a summer night ready to burst into color and excitement. I finally turned to run back, I was cut short by pain searing up my side. Breathing came hard accompanied by bursts of pain, but I didn't want to stop, so I kept walking, on into the dark unlit corners of the town. Past forests filled with stories of rape and odd bits of things forgotten, dark tunnels of trees and occasional blaring headlights. Sounds began to creep through the moments of silence in the music, frogs singing, and birds calling good night. Bats hovered above me and people stopped passing me by. The smell turned from a pleasant summer night to a cool camp midnight after a sticky hot day, the pungent smell of run-off and mud filled my lungs. I wanted to do that forever. Run until you can't run anymore, then walk until you can't walk anymore then go back to the beginning.

Cry you heart out so that it can never be broken

Well Christoph's got a girlfriend, some girl from some other school. I shouldn't be surprised and I shouldn't be sad. But I just feel depressed. Why?? Did I like him that much, or am I comparing myself to her, or and I regretting this, or feeling sorry for myself, or just being unconfident...I don't know, but I just want to sit here cry and not sleep till I feel better.

I'm doing homework which is something I've been putting off for a while.
Shit. I just can't write about anything. Why am I like this?! It's the tight feeling in my arms, let I'm holding on to something, heavy feeling in my chest, slow quiet breath calm but heartbreakingly painful, smile to hid the pain, wanting the music to just surround me and drown out everything else. I'll try later.
Homework helps, and music, keeps my mind off it, and awake somehow. I'm talking to Nick on fb. I love talking to him.

I still don't want to sleep. I just want to run and listen to Hit The Lights over and over and over.

Emi and Nick came over to make easter eggs. It was fun. The three of us together are so perfect.
I walked Nick home and we talked and life and people. Him and Emi I love so much.

After this thingy, I once again want to work even harder. It's as though it's the only thing that I can do...but it's enough if I just do it.

The color of the sky: As if we were by the ocean, setting sun over rising tides and cool sands. Setting red and orange, the sun a white pearl in clouds of gold dust.

Silly Alice, it's not just a dream

I'm so confident of myself when I'm alone, but when I'm with people I just can't do it, bring out that confidence and just do stuff. It gets stuck in my throat and I choke on my own words. 

We're doing pastel drawings in class, and it's the only place I feel completely fine, happy, not concerned with anything. Despite my tense hands, and mind thick with stormy thoughts, and nervous slow strokes on the paper. 

Emi and I ran around selling cookies for art club at lunch. We sold so many! 22$. 

5th hour, movie. That's another thing that calms me down and I feel good about. It's like a dream that I'm seeing forming in front of me, directing, and all these new ideas of french cinematography coming together as I watch these movies, ideas ideas! And then I want to grow up...but that's a sad thought.

Stomach cramps drove me home before theatre, but not before a chat with Mathew and Christoph undoing the thin red bow in my hair, then telling me not to die. 

Watched a soccer game, did my homework, didn't complain, just took it easy. Then went to Emi's. Were we filled our time with talk of penis's and therapy, laughing till our stomachs ached, and we were rolling on the floor. This is why we're such good friends. We even think so alike...I guess it's true that the more time you spend with a person the more you influence each other.

I am addicted to The Help, it is just so good! So glad I decided to read it.

And related to books, The Catcher in the Rye. Holdon, I love his character. It is every one of us. It shows off the things we don't want others to see, the other side of us, the dark part we hid away hoping to hide it away from the stars forever. That's why I love it so much, it's disturbing and so relatable. It's me. It's the popular crew kid. It's the quiet band geek, it's all of us. Phonies...

The color of the sky: A small patch of dreamy light blue, smothered with clouds which billowed like puffs of whipped cream on a porcelain plate, so sweet, bringing a smile to my face.

"I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it..."

I just want to sleep

We all have lives, no matter how insignificant and childish they may look when you take a step back. Nick broke up with Hana today.
It rained, and everything smelled of rain and summer. The calming smell of ozone, and sound of rain echoed through the arch.
I stood in the hall, hugging Christoph like we were lovers reunited after an eternity apart.
Our theatre director is leaving. His wife's having another kid and it's just not going to work anymore. Sitting there, watching him talk I was frozen, happy and miserable. What now? Budget deficit, cuts, new director. Was this group, was my family going to survive?
Then I stood on stage, dreading my lines which I knew I would forget as soon as my mouth opened on stage.
And I drew, all over my script. People, different people, different from anything I've ever drawn. It was calming, I just wished I got another hug.
But I walked home with him, or that little stretch of road that we share before we go our separate ways.
Watched the game. Sitting tight on the couch, I tensed up, nervous, wanting for them to pull through, but in the end Michigan lost.
Through the crack in my window I could clearly hear the howling of the wind, and the cold air creeping in, filling the room.
I woke up this morning, to the painful sound of alarms and white light in the bathroom. Cold water didn't help today, it was just pure tired pain, when you want nothing more than to close your eyes and curl up in the warm bed, nuzzling into your imaginary lovers chest and fall back into that dream. I wish I could.

The color of the sky: The morning sky was a in-between shade of dark blue, not a dark indigo or midnight blue, but not a navy, deep ocean color either. More of a diluted crayon that a child finds hidden under a couch after loosing in years ago. And streetlight orange lanterns bob along the grey morning road.

Inspired before death

And it's over. In 7 minutes it will be midnight, and school will start in 7 hours. I finally did my homework, yippy, it sucked. I hate math. It's like that perfect quote I found on pinterest today:

Sigh, if only it were that easy.
You know I'm surprised that I'm not dead. I spent too much time with my family. Every day it was, let's do this, let's go there, let's blahblahblah...But I don't want to go back to school. People, work, problems, social life, fb, Christoph. I feel like I'm about to fall into a massive black hole, and I'm trying so hard not to fall in, but it's pulling me down, sucking me in. I don't want to die yet...
I've been thinking about Jess a lot. Not sure why...guess I just kinda miss 2nd semester 9th grade. Not me then, but the fun I had. I definitely don't miss the weather either...
The one thing I am looking forward to tomorrow is reading. Maybe I'll finish The Help, then I can see the movie.
Last thing, The Well-Digger's Daughter, the new one, is a great movie. Best script that I've seen in a long time. The dialogue is well though out, witty, funny. Acting is amazing (all the actors were so beautiful! and good!!!!). Camera work is wonderful and I am re-motivated to try to direct something someday. Because if you can create magic like that, well you've found the key to a fantasy land.

The color of the sky: Thick icing crumpling and freezing in plastic waves over a smooth creamy surface. The top layer of thin inedible looking stuff, glazed over the sky, white and not too appetising. Under the ugly surface was the sweet icing, ready for a child's finger to scoop it up.

Can we put tomorrow off for a couple days? Please.

What to say when I see you again

It's break, and life is moving slower than ever. All I've done so far is run, not do homework and occasional very long, adventure filled "walk" as I tell my parents.
The best day was Friday when Emi, Nick and I hung out. We got Chinese food at the usual place, some doughnuts and pop then climbed up the hill. We talked endlessly about everything. School, family, theatre, crew, religion, politics, science, gossip, the past, the future, god. I looked up at the perfectly blue sky and though, you know it’s not hard to imagine at all, that we’re just a game, robots, a figment of someones imagination, a story nothing more. For a second the earth was perfect then the clouds moved and the world became as it is again.

Other than that it was church, church and more church. Days spent with my dad and brothers, buying new running shoes, and food. I like running a lot. It's much noes than I remembered it, sucks that school will start then I'll have no time for it.

I played the piano yesterday. First time in months. I like my piano...

The color of the sky: Calm summer blue, sprinkled with golden sand and white sea foam. The light spilling into the room was light and fluid, streaming through without the slightest disturbance.

I get to see people from school tomorrow, from theatre at zap zone. Nick, Michelle, some others too. Christoph won't be there, he's still on vacation I think. If he was, what would I say...?