Alive

I got murdered so many times today I lost count. Twice beaten to death with bare fists, several more times with the butt of a gun. It wasn't without it's fare share of laughter and jokes, but it felt strangely real. I felt alive. Blushing as two incredibly attractive men straddled me then kill me was well... indescribable. I mean what the hell who does that?! I could feel Ryan's weight over me, pushing down but not too much, his warmth spreading over my legs, the embarrassed looks we exchanged which lingered afterwards (if that's what having sex is like add it to the summer-to-do-list). The best part was when Brian pulled me downstage landing me with my breasts brushing against Ryan's crotch with only a layer of jeans and thin t-shirt to keep us from touching. "OH MY GOD! Warn me, warn me next time you do that. My god..." Was his reaction and laughter all around. Anyhow it was a helluva bloody death. Brains spilling everywhere under Brian's calculating gaze. Come see the show and you will NEVER look at Macbeth in the same way.
Also sometime 5 years from now, maybe less, I'll be having sex with a guy and I will look up and see Ryan's face, and he'll be holding a gun ready to kill me, I will scream and that relationship will end.

I have a serious crush on Ryan and Brian (not that either will amount to anything at all). My mind keeps flashing back to theatre today...why? cause it was funny, deadly, disgusting, powerful, terrifying, I was alive, in love, died for a cause, murdered for power. It was beautiful, and worth the nightmares. And if thats what it means to live I will never stop doing theatre and I will never stop living.


I walked part of the way home with Christoph. We chattered a bit, this and that. When we finally went our separate ways I looked back, just as he did and we stood there yelling and waving then laughing and walking away. Perfect timing.

I want to talk to someone, laugh some more, gossip, but there's no one here. It sucks.

The color of the sky: Kodachrome black and white, a artistic picture taken by a so called teenage hippy with a store bought camera and bad film. Captured a memory on accident and turned it from a passing moment to a still frame in grey and black.

I love theatre. And my 4 roles, or is it 5 now, who knows, but I love it.

What a strage sort of day

I stood by the computer and just stared at it, getting more and more frustrated, then I decided i was going to leave. Before I left I waled up two floors to my locker, the halls, once quiet were filled with the racket of my high heels. Suddenly the whole school felt like it was closing in on me, the stereotypes, the pressure, the "phoniness", everything. I just wanted to get out, so I left, walked out the door. Outside it was cold, crisp air surrounded me and all I could think was thank god I had enough sense to leave. I walked half way home before stopping at the swings, I sat there, trying to think of what was wrong with me. Everything. Maybe it is Catcher in the Rye that's influencing me. Maybe it's just me trying to change. And I couldn't get myself to stop narrating the moment as if it was a story. What the hell I kept thinking. Everything's so messed up. I wish I could be skini so I could fly, or disappear, fade out to nothingness.

Christoph laughed yesterday off, at least the phone call. He didn't say anything about the end part. I felt so nervous as if I was stepping on thin ice, ready to shatter underneath me.
"To all people crushing on someone, go ahead, take your chance. No matter in how long someone's gonna graduate or simply leave. Take your chance. Be happy, even if it's for only 3 months. Regrets is one of the worst feelings of the world and lasts forever."
Someone posted that on the schools fb confessions page. It was cute. Made me think of Jess than Christoph. I sent Matt a friend request cause I liked a picture of him...that's awkward. Why am I so shy?

I slept for 2 hour when I got home. It was nice. Though I wish I could talk to someone, Nick or Nicole, it gets lonely. But I like the floor a lot, it's warm, warmer than the rest of my room.

The color of the sky: Flat grays and light blues, as though someone had pasted a photograph on the ceiling and then one on the far wall. The world became a room, a ver strange room, one with wind, and snow, unprotected, vulnerable, and sad.

3 days till break. God I cannot wait. I won't even complain when we go to church.

I'm actually surprised that the though "I want to die" or something along those lines didn't cross my mind today...funny.

When your life is a book and someone gives away the end

I feel the need to be surrounded by the smell of cigarettes, to be alone in a crowded place, be myself but not have to be me. Virtually invisible, living off of the silence that comes with feeling unreal.

We were suppose to go on a date, but Christoph couldn’t make it, neither could Nick in the end. I felt kinda betrayed, a bit empty, sitting there in the car on the way home from church. It wasn’t anyones fault though.

I ended up running down the block through icy winds to Emi’s house. We were suppose to be studying, and the supposed 2 hour session turned into a 5 hour high school moment. We made Rava Dalai, or Indian Pancakes as we call them. We laughed as we mixed the white powder into an unidentifiable soup of a odd texture and watery flavor. They didn’t turn out too bad, though now my stomach isn’t thanking me for eating them. They were thin and riddled with bubbles an holes, like potato pancakes, they even had the same texture, though the taste was somewhat divergent. We added all sorts of ingredients trying to improve our experiment. It ended with a mess, full stomachs, and apples. We ate a lot of those. Next up writing stories on magnet boards. Never underestimate the power of teenage profanity and words. Best fucking messed up story ever! A combination of words ended up as the starting sentance to a great attempt at a Tropic of Capricorn love scene. We were dying. 

Just as Emi was about to kick me out she found my phone along with Christophs number. At first I didn’t mind, she sends stuff to my friends all the time and I could care less, but quickly this spiraled into something much bigger than silly texts. While I played around on her ipod she was writing all sorts of gibberish to him, eventually she ended up calling him with her brother. I thought I would die or kill them both, even though I was laughing through every apology I made to him. Lying on Emi’s bed with the phone pressed tightly to my ear I held on to every word said though the line. Singing, screaming, laughter, all compiled into a 5 minute phone conversation that was worse than anything we’d ever said to Nick in our constant prank calls to him. The ending lines were, “do you LOVE Sky?” after a muddled exchange, me running out of the room, phone flying across the floor, slamming doors, I found myself in the bathroom, not sure if I wanted an answer at all. Scared, nervous, it’s like someone trying to ruin the ending of the story and you want to get there yourself no matter how scared you are or how long it's going to take you to get there. “Yes.” It was like someone had just proposed. Emi and her brother were shouting with joy and for their achievements trying to drag me out of the bathroom. The phone was turned off and left on the bed. I though I would die. Is that the end of this chapter? Now what? He probably wasn't serious but still... It was like someone had just given something away. Something important and sacred.

Now that I sit here thinking about it, it looks more like a step forward. He won't be here forever. Maybe it was worth the apologies I'll have to make tomorrow and the headache that I have now. This is the way things were meant to be. Thanks Brian. That quote really gets me through a lot. Anyhow, my rooms is freezing, and the vent's spewing out more cold air. I wish I could just curl up and fall asleep, but my mind's going to wander I know it. I wonder what homework is due tomorrow...

The color of the sky: Winter blue, and stormy grey as the snow began to fall, scattered flakes that rushed past, in fast forward across the dead sky. 

I thanked someone for that, thanks for giving me this winter to finally get my shit together. Cause when summer comes I've got to be ready, I have to, this is my year and I'm not waiting any longer.

What are kisses worth?

I walked home with Don Jose and Mari again. Somehow we started talking about parties. 4 things that make a party great, alcohol, drugs, sex and great music. Then we talked about our own adventures. We have more in common than I ever thought.
You know I never realised till now that I think of Jose as that little kid I use to love in 5th grade and he sees me the same way. I know we've both grown up and moved on but we still have that tie of childhood. It's strange, and a bit sad too, since now we're slowly breaking it, untying the string, growing up.

I was flirting with a baseball kid in my math class. He's not too bad looking. And he makes me laugh. I'd probably never want to date him. But I wouldn't mind kissing him. Is that bad?

Now my hands smells of someone else. Soft, something like a candle. My lips feel dry, but I feel pretty. Pretty and elated if that's the right word for it. I just got back from a "bonding event" mini party at Nadia's. Her house is a frikking castle! It's huge! Only 9 people showed but it was helluva lot of fun. Isaac and Nicole were there. Nick. God. Kelly, Ari, Nadia (well duh) and Hana. We did all sorts of weird teenage crap, played the wii, petted the dog, sat around and did nothing, ate, played ping pong and pool. Eventually we turned to Spin the Bottle. Kelly had her first kiss with Nick. I feel bad, but hey she gets to kiss Ryan later, lucky girl. I kissed God. Twice. It was cute, or so they said. His lips were rough and cracked a bit more than mine are. I feel like I aught to feel ecstatic about it, and super happy but I don't. The kisses meant nothing, it was just a game. I don't even remember the last time a kiss meant something. Did it the first time? Did it ever? I feel like when he plays with the bows in my hair, or waves bye to me in the hall, that means more than any kiss. But I'll remember it. It'd be a shame to forget. It's part of the memories we make it life, and I can say that I didn't miss my chance, I'm living it, I finally am.
Anyways, Nadia had a blast, I'm so used to her being all uptight with school and work but it was great! Then Nick and Hana had some drama and I gotta talk to him bout that. I feel bad, I really do. I just want Nick to be happy. And if happy is Hana than that's ok by me. What else...we tried to get Nicole to kiss Isaac. And tickle circles spilled pop all over. And we ranted and talked, and hell it was great. It really was. As we left, Christoph gave me a big hug, that completed the evening. Perfect fairy tale ending, as far as I'm concerned.
You know I'm still looking forward to the movie date, but I think I get it now. I don't really like/am good at relationships. I like little things, nothing big. Kisses (that mean something), movies, holding hands, the things that don't really matter.

The color of the sky: Bright, and saturated in an unusually blazing white shade. Blinding and warm, like the spring day that it should have been for the last 2 weeks. Clear and reflecting the glow of the sun through out it, like sunlight across the water. It made listening to Jose's complaining not too bad.

Narrative

Best day evah! Nah not really, but it was pretty fun. The morning dragged on and out as classes passed by slower than usual and my stomach growled with question of why I hadn't fed it yet. Half days really screw with me, totally put me off balance of the usual days. Well after that long outdrawn morning Nick, Nichole, Christoph, Moya and Tammy got on the city bus and headed to Meijers. Hats pulled over our freezing ears we rushed from the bus to the super store where we wandered the isles making a ruckus about what disgustingly fattening sweets to invest in. We ended up with half a dozen glazed donuts, a bag of hot Cheetos's, tub of pringles, some mexican snacks, chocolate and 2 huge bottles of mexican pop, Moya recommended it. We picked the oddest of places to devour our spoils, a play structure, spiralling up like the towers of a castle. We sat there enjoying the food, teasing Nichole about Isaac, her boyfriend (ya know the guy that liked me at the beginning of the last show and dated Steph), retelling stories and making sexual comments, most of which were about sex or my ass (guys think it's a very attractive ass). I can't believe we didn't freeze to death, though the pale sun shone warmly in intervals the rest was filled with windy blasts of snow. Eventually we made it back to the bus stop, a booth with a bunch of schedules where we stood, complaining about our frozen toes. Christoph wanted to go to the movies, but we were out of money, so our next adventures is a triple date to the cinema. Mainly for Nicole and Isaac to go on a date, but also other underlying objectives... Nick and Nicole figured it out on the way home. Nicole goes with Isaac, Nick and Hanna who does that leave? Me and Christoph! I admitted between girlish giggles that yes I have a crush on him, but hell how can I help it, he's sweet, attractive, funny, God! So I just can't wait for this very first date (insert Blink-182 song here). We ended on a sweet note of waving as the bus passed me by. It felt semi perfect, except that I really had to pee and practically ran the whole way home.

Heaven can wait...

I stepped outside and suddenly it became like leaving a paradise for a wasteland. All I could hear was the wind, it wasn't loud, it was quiet creeping around, whispering yet it downed out all other noise. As I began to walk through the snowy dead landscape I could hear signs creak, trees groan and the ground crumple under my quick steps. It looked like it could have been the Neitherlands, forgotten, destroyed, empty. Time seemed to move slower...

It's amazing the things you notice if you just look up and slow down.

I love Brian even more. He looks like Veronsky!!!! Oh my lord. If he just dyed his hair blond, I would marry him. His logic is great too, an actor quit and all he says is "That's how it was meant to be". And he's constantly telling us to slow down and relax, focus on yourselves. I went home early since I didn't have rehearsal, but I still did warm ups. They make me happy.

God's said "hey beautiful" when he saw me after school today. It was so sweet. He's such a great guy. It sucks that he's gonna have to go back to heaven (Austria) at the end of the school year.

People still piss me off but it's getting a bit better. At least the emptiness is going away. But now I feel kinda scared of people. It'll pass.

Listening to Meat Loaf. They're great.

Actually did NHS. Gosh did it take a while. I hate stuff like that. Though in the end they always look pretty good...Hanging out with Nick and Nicole tomorrow! Can't wait!!!

The color of the sky: A distant highlight of orange and red complimentary to the darkening indigo sky. Light reached out far far out, into some distant land, giving a glimpse of the golden sunrise in another world. The snow settled as darkness fell heavily on it, turning everything to shadows.

How long is 90 days? Like actually.

Since I'm kinda in a I-don't-like-people-so-shut-up state at the moment I've decided to focus on me, being happy, reading and doing things for myself instead of other people. It's relaxing minus the fact that I have to avoid everyone, which is pretty hard cause people I know are EVERYWHERE! It sucks!
Except 3rd and 7th hour. I don't mind them too much at all.

That aside, I get to play Fleance in the play (I may have said that already)! It's kinda cool and really traumatising. I guess you don't really think about some things till you have to put yourself in that situation. It's fucking scary to see your "mother" murdered literally in front of you...even if it is a play. I still love Brian.

NHS is a pain. It's so much work just to fill stuff out to get accepted! Geeze...

It keeps snowing here...it's like the weathers kinda parallel to my mood. Bad, it snows, semi happy it stops. I ate chocolate today.

The color of the sky: Rainy and grey, raindrops streaking down a bus window, rumbling with the vibrations of the massive engine powered dragon.

God has been really nice to me recently. It's nice, he's a great guy.

Where dragons eat the people you don't like

I hate cake.
Take me to Fillory.
Social networking sucks.
People are annoying.
I want to be skinni.
I hate cake again.
I need to do something with my life (after I finish working out).
Why is there no time for the things I WANT to do?
Where is Fillory anyways?
New York sounds like a good place to be right now.
Or by myself.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it looks right. I hate cake again, and my bad decision of going to Zap Zone and eating cake. That was stupid. But it's not happening again so that's ok. And I hate people, cause people are so goddamn irritating, including myself, and they suck especially those people at school. I mean really, no I don't like you shut up, don't even ask, I don't care, all of you shut up. Can I go to a place where no one knows my name. It'd be so much easier. A place where you can hear the world, hear your footsteps, the distant cars, the wind. A place that isn't too rushed, a place where you can see the sea...
I haven't touched my email for 3 days, fb in over a week now. Some life I've got..but it's really calming. And gives me more time. If anyone asks my dad broke the internet.

The color of the sky: animate, moving, constructing and reconstructing itself into a massive puzzle in the sky. Fitting clouds like pieces into each other, shapes, dragons floating out of the blue...

Letter to myself accidentally sent to you

'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.'

After a downhill week and a day that started fine but slowly plummeted towards depression this movie saved me. I cry every time and I've seen it at least 5 times since it came out (the new one, god know how many times I read the book as a kid and saw the old version). It's such a great movie, and it makes me think that if I can change myself, I can maybe change the world somehow...step by step. "There is happiness for those who accept their fate. There is glory for those who resist their fate." (From Whatever) I think I've been done with happiness for a while, it just doesn't seem to really work out just right (so far) and as far as I'm concerned my fate, a cures brought upon by genetics and recent overexposure to food in Ukraine was my fate, and it's changing. Gosh why does this always sound so sappy and overdramaticly theatrical, it's my life. I should stop complaining to myself about myself on a computer (makes me sound crazy, but I'm in a good mood so what the hell). Well I gotta find myself somewhere.

The family's having a dinner party tomorrow, and why is everyone older or younger than me by at least 4 years (in most cases more). These people are my parents ages, why couldn't they have kids my age?! Some cute boy that I can talk to, or normal girl (I'd prefer the boy though). 

I'm getting awful tired so night. I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow...

The color of the sky: It snowed. Dressing up the sky to look like a car crash, white airbags, scattered in a catastrophe of grey metal and steam.

And it goes on and on and on...and all those things that I should have done, oh I need to check fb...eh

Today's been kinda depressing...I ate too much and my stomach looks preggers...It's so fat...and it makes me sad. That's probly cause I've been semi depressed lately and been eating sugar at home. See schools mostly fine, it's just pressure from my mom to apply for NHS and other crap. It's really fucking stressful. At least I've been eating better. The really weird thing is that I feel like I've been eating more, but I've been eating a lot less...that's really bad. Another depressing thing is people. I was walking around after 6th hour when all normal people go home (not us kids with 7th hour) and it was just so depressing and distasteful, it just didn't look right. The again I was listening to Depeche Mode at that time. Today was just a day of ups and downs. Everyone kept telling me that I looked pretty. My outfit was cute, but my face was tired as hell. You know, I ate a lot for dinner that's why I look fatish, it'll go away in the morning. At least theatre was fun. Nick and I talked, about life and gossipped a bit. I love that guy. Though I don't think I'll ever regret breaking up with him. That's another thing thing I need to practise more, good morals and how to best live my life to the fullest, though I think that comes along with control of food habits and motivation to succeed especially at exercises. This guy, he's a player, kinda asked me on a date, him and his twin kinda flirt with me. They make me dislike people more and more and make me wish I was skini, cause for some reason it would make things different. Gosh why can't it be easy...maybe I should just work harder, a lot harder...roger that. There's so much fat...everywhere....I'm reading The Magician King again. That part makes me happy.
The color of the sky: It drizzled, sad, quiet, english rain from a bleak, colorless expanse. It was rather lonesome.

Grimalkin in the window

We sat in class wondering what we had to write, the answer was probably right before us and we didn't notice it. Standing over our shoulders was a lady guiding us step by step, like children being led across an empty streed. Baby steps with teachers and parents holding us up, it's almost pitiful, degrading... To put it simply it sucks. Cause I think we aught to be mature enough to figure out life ourselves. 

Yet how is it that we can't manage an assignment but we can manage a relationship, navigating through the halls, living our social lives. How do we get through it all?

The wind was blowing from the east, sun on my back, snow floating around. Hair carried by the snow dusted wind. Innocent and impossible, the once spring like damp ground was littered with white. It just didn't seem real.

"Let me finish the joke!" I turned back, I didn't know he was telling a joke.

"So if you dip the brushes, and you too, then we'd have a big dipper and a little dipper!" He exclaimed, the expression on his face was as cocky and egotistic as everyone always described him as. "Best joke I've ever told." That killed me, it was both funny and a bit sad. We laughed and talked a bit more, then left. He never says good-bye, or thanks... I wished Matt a happy birthday yesterday(?) in the hall, he barely looked over. He could have managed a "thank you" or at least a smile. No he just swept by, with his head high as though he were a king and I a peasant leaving me feeling wrong about something, missing a piece, something like that. 

The really sad thing is I've seen this before...Chris all over again. Pathetic in a way isn't it. I didn't learn the first time. I mean I like Matt, a bit, but it's not going to work, so I don't loose myself in daydreams for him. 

In theatre I was getting my hair done, a sample for the show. Curling and hairspray. And my friends told me I always look a bit like a princess, with the hair and posture and all. It made me happy... and Brian liked my hair. Also I got 3 parts now! Fleance, the Sergeant and some other guy who's name I don't remember. 

I ate a bunch of sugar today. It's just been little things that stress me out, and make me eat food. Weight, Ukrainian stuff, myself, lack of freedom (such a big frustration factor!), that stuff. But I'm on a new diet, and exercise routine so that should help. It's 90 days long, and I sooo love counting down, so I'll stick to it ( I really do)!

The color of the sky: Drearily lost in a daydream of everyday sky.

What 9th grade history teaches you

Gosh history is so boring. See I could be doing homework but becuase some of the laptops didn't work i got deported to a special ed/school help class that has giant early century computers. Slow unsophistiaceted masses that awkwardly sit on table tops. I bet it's going to slow down now. Well I did have homework that I was going to do, but I couldn't take it with me! I need to get it done too. I'm actually trying to be semi serious about my classes and get all a's. It's dark outside. Dark frammed semi square windows look out onto a beak landscape, caught between the dead of winter and spring. Dragging across the sky, pushed along by a force unknown within these grey walls. Like and expanse of mist descending towards the earth. Music box music goes along with the gloom rather well.

You can see the shadows

I saw Chris today. He looked miserable, sitting in the near empty stairwell. His finely trimmed hair, matted down, clinging desperately to his dripping forehead. The dark expression on his face didn't suit him, it was completely different from his usual cheery appearance. No jokes today. We talked, he had training, and told me about it a bit, called me poochie and asked me why I was still here. When Jose called for me, Chris just said, hurry up and leave. Bye...
It felt like a picture I would have drawn last year. A girl and guy, dark and light, happy and sad. With a totally depressing love story. It was like I really was part of a picture. It's a shame I had to leave.

The walk home wasn't bad though. Hoods up, we splashed through puddles and countered Mari's arguments that rain was bad. I like rain, I like it a lot, especially walking or running though it. Summer rain's the best though. You can smell it. That's the part I like best. Mari left then there were two. We talked much about nothing, the movie we watched, 5th grade, people all while walking in the middle of the street. We ran into a class mate, which was pretty funny, I wonder how we looked to him...We all take latin together.
Eventually we made it to the crossroads of our departure and said good-bye. I didn't look back. I didn't want to, it didn't feel right anyways. Sometimes it's romantic, or something but this time I just didn't, just in case he did.

Well now it's sunny, the lights glinting off the newly washed pavement. The droplets on my window shine like diamonds in the light. The talk with Chris seems like forever ago.

I like sitting on my floor and dreaming...it's so effortless.

The color of the sky: Mysterious night sky, shrouded in a shawl of eerie white. Light that comes from the opposite direction of the sunrise illuminates the distance.

Summer plans for warmer days

I haven't been on a bus in so long, but still I think of Jess. That never seems to leave. It's a memory, imprinted in the seats, painted on the windows, echoed in the engines hum. A quiet reminder of high school innocence. Freshman year...

It was crude, unpolished, ungentlemanly like conduct, I played along of course, it's would be rude not to. But it was kinda annoying, reminding me of 8th grade and the stupidity we possessed thinking it would make us look cool. As if. I mean the day wasn't too bad, pudding, Monty Python, a bus ride, and sushi with the family later. The buckwheat tea was good.

Today was lovely though. Got along in class with people, cheated on tests, did well not cheating on a test. Ate mainly fruits, and a bit of sweets and carbs, but that's ok. Emi, Nick and I celebrated my birthday officially. Cake, chocolate and vanilla and strawberries, then downtown. Where we wandered through stores, looked at obscene magazines, and climbed to the to of a parking structure from where the city looks beautiful and alive. Thriving with so much life, so many things we haven't seen, their signs flickering below us, beckoning. Chinese food, with the same waiter and cashier, and fortunes that aren't quite...fortunes. I bought a hat, skirt and sun glasses at some point. I am very pleased with myself. I never buy anything! And I've been meaning to get a cute skirt and semi aviators, so mission accomplished!
We also went to go see Oz The Great And Powerful. It was pretty good. We played that hockey puck game thing before we got in, and ordered slushies. That seems to always come up with the three of us. Anyways though the whole day we must have gone to the bathroom at least 20 times. We drank so much water!

I need to stop talking to my reflection in the mirror, but it does help my self esteem...it's just a bit concerning and narcissistic...

Now off to bed with dreams of pretty men and impossible things.

The color of the sky: Ebony blue...Like lacquer pasted across the sky, evening out it's ridges and bumps, clearing away the bubbles, away with the white clouds of dust, leaving just open endless sky. Darkening, from a deep midnight blue to black. Swelling over the town making it seem just a bit bigger...

Music box melody

Well the rest of today was kinda boring. Walked to school. Did work. Said thanks a million times. My hair was wavy. Cake is bad and sugary. Talked to God a lot today (Christoph!!!). Got more music. Got a mouse for my computer...exciting. Didn't see Jess (I really wanted to). Fb Sophia. Finished a greater part of my english. Got some money. Let my brothers look through my stuff.
That was probably the best part. I guess I can kinda talk to them.
I made a wish on 16 candles.
I resolved again to find more methods to loose weight and complete them.
I wanted to clean my room but now I've got to sleep.
Good night. Sweet dreams.
I'm sixteen.
...

Two feet out the door, and one on the road

Something really did start today. Don't know what it is yet, but for sure today is the start of a new journey. I've probably said this multiple times, on days that just seem like the perfect day to set out, and it's probably not much different, it's just that this year I've really set out to achieve something and become someone.

Laying in my bed this morning, letting the open windows reveal a new world over the horizon. I finished watching Ultra Maniac, and it's like another piece of early teenage years...I really loved the ending. Maybe I will find an adventure, just gotta go out and really live.

One day the whole world looks like an open page. 
And you've been dancing as fast as you can, 
With a smile on your face. 

Then the Earth and the sky they open together, 
And carry me away as light as a feather. 
Chase the clouds from the ground in the big blue sky. 
Don't wanna watch it all go by, so I'm gonna fly. 
Higher than I ever could. 

Feel the wind blow through my hair, 
Feel the sun dance with the moon. 
And my feet can't stay on the ground any longer, 
With every leap of faith I feel a little stronger. 
Wanna swing from a star in the big blue sky. 
Don't wanna watch it all go by, 

So I'm gonna fly. 

And see for myself what it looks like from up there. 
And taste the star dust in my mouth, 
Chase the clouds until they disappear. 

And if I can make just one life better, 
Bring a smile to your face when you're under the weather, 
Then I'm feelin' like I've finally found my home. 
I'll plant the seeds and watch them grow. 
And I'm gonna fly. 


Fly. Fly. Fly. 
Higher than I ever, ever could. 

I'm gonna fly. 
I'm gonna fly. 
Higher than I ever, ever could.

Hey! I'm sixteen now, time to really live. ;)

Become the wind once more before 3:31 when the magic wears off

I absolutely adore our new director. I mean I am a bit weary of him but I love his directing style. It's movement oriented. Warm ups are like yoga, and the movement on stage is great. He makes you feel yourself in the space, find your weight. During one of the stretches today I looked up, everything was moving slow, nearly frozen, the dust particles floated in the light, scarcely moving, just hanging there. It's really inspirational.

Plan test today. Sucked my brains dry, couldn't think afterwards. Big tests do that to me. It sucked. Now I just want to sleep. People are becoming a bit more fun to hang around, though it seems like I'm noticing a lot of things I refused to notice before, like how obnoxious some people are and how childish others are. Well that's ok for now.

I've been cleaning my room. It's improved a lot, but the mess on the floor is growing. I'm starting to think that I need to calm down, work out all the problems in my life, clean this mess and be content with it all before I can go off and do just anything. I think it's some concept of equality and yin and yang or something. Maybe I really should become a Buddhist...polytheist at least (officially).

I don't think I'll ever finish that english project...

We were talking about Matt one day. A group of us from theatre. I guess everyone really does think he's conceited, egotistical and stuck up. Even his sister thinks that. Maybe I'm just refusing to notice the bad things about him. I kinda stopped paying that much attention to him. I mean I just don't know. Like I mentioned about Gunnar, there really are so many people out there I just gotta open my eyes and really look. That's kinda why I want to travel the world so bad, I've got to see it all for myself, or else what's the point, for me at least. Back to Matt, doesn't anybody see anything good about him? Or are his jokes also self centered. I don't know...and I had so much fun during competition...

I've been listening to Ghibli songs all evening now. And they pretty much sum up me for the last 15 years of my life. I've fallen in love with them and the movies they accompany. And it's kinda sad for some reason, I just feel like crying. I'm not leaving it behind, but it sure as hell feels like it. It's like a final good-bye one that feels right, the right choice and I want to go but I don't want to leave. It's the same as the start of a new journey, a helluva long one at that. The muscles in my arms are tight, it's as though their still trying to hold on till the final moments.

You know I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I'll be sixteen. I won't be a child anymore, I sure as hell will still look like one but I won't be. Honestly that is just so sad. Never again am I going to be 15, or younger than 16 for that matter. I should be happy, but I want a moment to just accept that but the world seems to be moving so fast right now and I can't find that moment. So I guess I'll just have to accept that at 3:31 tomorrow morning I'll become 16.
So tonight in my dreams, let me become the wind, carry me away and let me dream of a fantasy world of my own...full of magic, witches, wizards, castles, dragons, spirits, demons, magical creatures, and all those other wonderful things.

Now that I think about it, I've spent my whole life reading faerie tales, I wonder if I'll ever find my own...

The color of the sky: Anything but dreamy. Dull grey clouds like smudges of pencil lead drawn across the gloomy sky. Blue but dreary, so distant from perfect summer skies, where it life could almost be a dream, a fantasy, if you try hard enough. The sad part is no one else really cares, so you'r on your own.

Why can't I just go outside and waltz with a stranger who ends up being a wizard...or wake up tomorrow in a whole nother world...why not...?

When the magic wears off, I just hope it's not forever.

An account of two days spent dreaming

Why is it that on saturday when your driving down the street, the sky is grey and lit but there's no sun, it's almost like an illusion, and the streets that are usually a mess are empty lacking people and cars and life. Why is that so sad...

Watched Jurassic Park with the family, and now there's a lingering feeling of that terror that I felt as a kid, afraid of the shadows under my bed, goblins ready to whisk me away to their underground taverns and wizards planning on reviving their army of the dead.
Source Code on the other hand was very relaxing and a great joy to watch. I really liked it. Reminds me of a Philip K. Dick novel. Leaves you with that mystery and wonder of science fiction.

Emi and I went to the library today. It was another adventure, just like Ayu and Nina (from ultra maniac, well sorta) bought books at the sale, did work, goofed off, stalked people on fb, talked to Sophia, walked around downtown looking for food. We ended up eating in this chinese restaurant, the walls were lined with mirrors and their was music, the kind you would expect in an french movie made by Americans. The food was great though! Emi ordered a spring roll and I ate it, while I ordered soup and she ate it. That always happens. The curry was good too.
I put on too much perfume and I could smell it, all over me. Like flowers, snowdrops, bunches of them, set in bouquets around me.

The color of the sky: It opened up like a box of wonder revealing a blue sky, blue like the endless northern ocean scattered with ice burgs upon which the titanic sank.

Some secrets are best kept untold.

Daydreams are what keep me awake

My head slid onto the open book. Please let me sleep. I nodded off, listening to the music a bit too loud to hear my teacher in case she yelled at me. Well clearly she knew better and poked me to wake me up! Well how rude is that! Then I went and kinda slept in the hall way, Don Jose joined me too. It wasn't too bad, but I know what I said but we can still be friends, as long as this shall last. Awww that makes me think of my diet...I want it to be summer so I can eat fruit Popsicles cause that'll be perfect! And I can cook for myself cause I'll have time, and I'll go on looong walks and bike rides, and swim in the mornings. Ah just thinking about it is wonderful.
Back to today. I went to theatre and did tech. I was sooo out of it. It was really funny, the director told me to do something the wrong way (as a joke) and I looked up at him with this confused, tired look he totally though I believed him it was great! I mean I wasn't that tired, I can still think. Matt laughed too.
Walked home, it was cold.
I ate too MUCH for dinner. I Was planning on eating yesterdays fried veggies but my dad ate them! Grrrrr...I need to eat more for breakfast and less for dinner...sigh. Hey at least I didn't eat any sweets  today! Tomorrow I get cake for my brothers birthday but I'll eat as little as possible! Promise!
6 more days till sweet sixteen. It's weird, cause I don't want to grow up, but I'm looking forward to this. Maybe it's the independence that kinda comes attached.

The color of the sky: Muddled like mixed paint water, colors added and added to become a swirling mix of grey and white, hints of purple, indigo and paling blue surfacing as the liquid swirls and churns as the invisible paintbrush adds more color, making it darker and darker...