Alive

I got murdered so many times today I lost count. Twice beaten to death with bare fists, several more times with the butt of a gun. It wasn't without it's fare share of laughter and jokes, but it felt strangely real. I felt alive. Blushing as two incredibly attractive men straddled me then kill me was well... indescribable. I mean what the hell who does that?! I could feel Ryan's weight over me, pushing down but not too much, his warmth spreading over my legs, the embarrassed looks we exchanged which lingered afterwards (if that's what having sex is like add it to the summer-to-do-list). The best part was when Brian pulled me downstage landing me with my breasts brushing against Ryan's crotch with only a layer of jeans and thin t-shirt to keep us from touching. "OH MY GOD! Warn me, warn me next time you do that. My god..." Was his reaction and laughter all around. Anyhow it was a helluva bloody death. Brains spilling everywhere under Brian's calculating gaze. Come see the show and you will NEVER look at Macbeth in the same way.
Also sometime 5 years from now, maybe less, I'll be having sex with a guy and I will look up and see Ryan's face, and he'll be holding a gun ready to kill me, I will scream and that relationship will end.

I have a serious crush on Ryan and Brian (not that either will amount to anything at all). My mind keeps flashing back to theatre today...why? cause it was funny, deadly, disgusting, powerful, terrifying, I was alive, in love, died for a cause, murdered for power. It was beautiful, and worth the nightmares. And if thats what it means to live I will never stop doing theatre and I will never stop living.


I walked part of the way home with Christoph. We chattered a bit, this and that. When we finally went our separate ways I looked back, just as he did and we stood there yelling and waving then laughing and walking away. Perfect timing.

I want to talk to someone, laugh some more, gossip, but there's no one here. It sucks.

The color of the sky: Kodachrome black and white, a artistic picture taken by a so called teenage hippy with a store bought camera and bad film. Captured a memory on accident and turned it from a passing moment to a still frame in grey and black.

I love theatre. And my 4 roles, or is it 5 now, who knows, but I love it.