I stood by the computer and just stared at it, getting more and more frustrated, then I decided i was going to leave. Before I left I waled up two floors to my locker, the halls, once quiet were filled with the racket of my high heels. Suddenly the whole school felt like it was closing in on me, the stereotypes, the pressure, the "phoniness", everything. I just wanted to get out, so I left, walked out the door. Outside it was cold, crisp air surrounded me and all I could think was thank god I had enough sense to leave. I walked half way home before stopping at the swings, I sat there, trying to think of what was wrong with me. Everything. Maybe it is Catcher in the Rye that's influencing me. Maybe it's just me trying to change. And I couldn't get myself to stop narrating the moment as if it was a story. What the hell I kept thinking. Everything's so messed up. I wish I could be skini so I could fly, or disappear, fade out to nothingness.
Christoph laughed yesterday off, at least the phone call. He didn't say anything about the end part. I felt so nervous as if I was stepping on thin ice, ready to shatter underneath me.
"To all people crushing on someone, go ahead, take your chance. No matter in how long someone's gonna graduate or simply leave. Take your chance. Be happy, even if it's for only 3 months. Regrets is one of the worst feelings of the world and lasts forever."
Someone posted that on the schools fb confessions page. It was cute. Made me think of Jess than Christoph. I sent Matt a friend request cause I liked a picture of him...that's awkward. Why am I so shy?
I slept for 2 hour when I got home. It was nice. Though I wish I could talk to someone, Nick or Nicole, it gets lonely. But I like the floor a lot, it's warm, warmer than the rest of my room.
The color of the sky: Flat grays and light blues, as though someone had pasted a photograph on the ceiling and then one on the far wall. The world became a room, a ver strange room, one with wind, and snow, unprotected, vulnerable, and sad.
3 days till break. God I cannot wait. I won't even complain when we go to church.
I'm actually surprised that the though "I want to die" or something along those lines didn't cross my mind today...funny.
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