I absolutely adore our new director. I mean I am a bit weary of him but I love his directing style. It's movement oriented. Warm ups are like yoga, and the movement on stage is great. He makes you feel yourself in the space, find your weight. During one of the stretches today I looked up, everything was moving slow, nearly frozen, the dust particles floated in the light, scarcely moving, just hanging there. It's really inspirational.
Plan test today. Sucked my brains dry, couldn't think afterwards. Big tests do that to me. It sucked. Now I just want to sleep. People are becoming a bit more fun to hang around, though it seems like I'm noticing a lot of things I refused to notice before, like how obnoxious some people are and how childish others are. Well that's ok for now.
I've been cleaning my room. It's improved a lot, but the mess on the floor is growing. I'm starting to think that I need to calm down, work out all the problems in my life, clean this mess and be content with it all before I can go off and do just anything. I think it's some concept of equality and yin and yang or something. Maybe I really should become a Buddhist...polytheist at least (officially).
I don't think I'll ever finish that english project...
We were talking about Matt one day. A group of us from theatre. I guess everyone really does think he's conceited, egotistical and stuck up. Even his sister thinks that. Maybe I'm just refusing to notice the bad things about him. I kinda stopped paying that much attention to him. I mean I just don't know. Like I mentioned about Gunnar, there really are so many people out there I just gotta open my eyes and really look. That's kinda why I want to travel the world so bad, I've got to see it all for myself, or else what's the point, for me at least. Back to Matt, doesn't anybody see anything good about him? Or are his jokes also self centered. I don't know...and I had so much fun during competition...
I've been listening to Ghibli songs all evening now. And they pretty much sum up me for the last 15 years of my life. I've fallen in love with them and the movies they accompany. And it's kinda sad for some reason, I just feel like crying. I'm not leaving it behind, but it sure as hell feels like it. It's like a final good-bye one that feels right, the right choice and I want to go but I don't want to leave. It's the same as the start of a new journey, a helluva long one at that. The muscles in my arms are tight, it's as though their still trying to hold on till the final moments.
You know I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I'll be sixteen. I won't be a child anymore, I sure as hell will still look like one but I won't be. Honestly that is just so sad. Never again am I going to be 15, or younger than 16 for that matter. I should be happy, but I want a moment to just accept that but the world seems to be moving so fast right now and I can't find that moment. So I guess I'll just have to accept that at 3:31 tomorrow morning I'll become 16.
So tonight in my dreams, let me become the wind, carry me away and let me dream of a fantasy world of my own...full of magic, witches, wizards, castles, dragons, spirits, demons, magical creatures, and all those other wonderful things.
Now that I think about it, I've spent my whole life reading faerie tales, I wonder if I'll ever find my own...
The color of the sky: Anything but dreamy. Dull grey clouds like smudges of pencil lead drawn across the gloomy sky. Blue but dreary, so distant from perfect summer skies, where it life could almost be a dream, a fantasy, if you try hard enough. The sad part is no one else really cares, so you'r on your own.
Why can't I just go outside and waltz with a stranger who ends up being a wizard...or wake up tomorrow in a whole nother world...why not...?
When the magic wears off, I just hope it's not forever.
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