I feel the need to be surrounded by the smell of cigarettes, to be alone in a crowded place, be myself but not have to be me. Virtually invisible, living off of the silence that comes with feeling unreal.
We were suppose to go on a date, but Christoph couldn’t make it, neither could Nick in the end. I felt kinda betrayed, a bit empty, sitting there in the car on the way home from church. It wasn’t anyones fault though.
I ended up running down the block through icy winds to Emi’s house. We were suppose to be studying, and the supposed 2 hour session turned into a 5 hour high school moment. We made Rava Dalai, or Indian Pancakes as we call them. We laughed as we mixed the white powder into an unidentifiable soup of a odd texture and watery flavor. They didn’t turn out too bad, though now my stomach isn’t thanking me for eating them. They were thin and riddled with bubbles an holes, like potato pancakes, they even had the same texture, though the taste was somewhat divergent. We added all sorts of ingredients trying to improve our experiment. It ended with a mess, full stomachs, and apples. We ate a lot of those. Next up writing stories on magnet boards. Never underestimate the power of teenage profanity and words. Best fucking messed up story ever! A combination of words ended up as the starting sentance to a great attempt at a Tropic of Capricorn love scene. We were dying.
Just as Emi was about to kick me out she found my phone along with Christophs number. At first I didn’t mind, she sends stuff to my friends all the time and I could care less, but quickly this spiraled into something much bigger than silly texts. While I played around on her ipod she was writing all sorts of gibberish to him, eventually she ended up calling him with her brother. I thought I would die or kill them both, even though I was laughing through every apology I made to him. Lying on Emi’s bed with the phone pressed tightly to my ear I held on to every word said though the line. Singing, screaming, laughter, all compiled into a 5 minute phone conversation that was worse than anything we’d ever said to Nick in our constant prank calls to him. The ending lines were, “do you LOVE Sky?” after a muddled exchange, me running out of the room, phone flying across the floor, slamming doors, I found myself in the bathroom, not sure if I wanted an answer at all. Scared, nervous, it’s like someone trying to ruin the ending of the story and you want to get there yourself no matter how scared you are or how long it's going to take you to get there. “Yes.” It was like someone had just proposed. Emi and her brother were shouting with joy and for their achievements trying to drag me out of the bathroom. The phone was turned off and left on the bed. I though I would die. Is that the end of this chapter? Now what? He probably wasn't serious but still... It was like someone had just given something away. Something important and sacred.
Now that I sit here thinking about it, it looks more like a step forward. He won't be here forever. Maybe it was worth the apologies I'll have to make tomorrow and the headache that I have now. This is the way things were meant to be. Thanks Brian. That quote really gets me through a lot. Anyhow, my rooms is freezing, and the vent's spewing out more cold air. I wish I could just curl up and fall asleep, but my mind's going to wander I know it. I wonder what homework is due tomorrow...
The color of the sky: Winter blue, and stormy grey as the snow began to fall, scattered flakes that rushed past, in fast forward across the dead sky.
I thanked someone for that, thanks for giving me this winter to finally get my shit together. Cause when summer comes I've got to be ready, I have to, this is my year and I'm not waiting any longer.
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