Leaving in a car... not a jet plane

Yesterday... I got gelato! It was soooo good! Me and some friends from theatre and Nick went to TOP together.

...Well it's 6:45 and I have to leave. I'm going to the middle of nowhere in New York and god knows if I'll have internet. I'll try to post about the things that have been going on. If not, everyone have a good week of summer!

Part 2: he was talking about meeeeeee

Part 2 of today:

OMg! Sophia saw Jess and BUSHs! The one that is like really close to my house! He was there with his brother, that looks like Andrew Garfield. Sophia runs into the isle to get something and sees them. She freezes like she always does, they stop talking, she grabs what she was going to get, Jess says "That's her sister" and she runs. Well that's what she told me. OMG! That's her sister.... *dreamy happy bubbly lights heart* he was talking about meeeeee. See Sophia and I became really good friends really fast and we have so much in common (that why me and her and Emi are so close) so we started calling each other sis. Little sis, big sis. And it stuck. Now a lot of people think we're sisters (apparently) and we do look a bit alike. I freaked out for like 10 minutes when she told me over fb. I was so happy.... Maybe he does like me...

SO we did go swimming. I didn't swim. Didn't feel like it and I'm on my period so that doesn't help. Well to get to the river we took a short cut through our high school. And we saw Nick and what we think was Chris #1 at tryouts (ok it turned out it was captain training or whatever). We yelled nearly hit/got run over by two cars and went to the park. We met Josef and hung out. They swam, I took pictures. I kept nagging about going back to see the guys and finally they agreed but by the time we got there training was over. So I'm coming back thursday to say hi to everyone.

We went back to the park and fed ducks. It was annoying but not as bad as I thought it would be.

Got my dad's birthday present (2 days early since he's going to be working on his b-day). Ruined all my TOP plans. Beats head phones work really well. Got back and went to Emi's. We ate cookies, watched pretty little liars which is very distracting and made Emi a veil. 11 went home.

Ever since I started living for the moment, doing crazy things and such I stopped thinking as much about things. I use to keep a small notebook of thoughts and stories. A lot of them were pretty dark or depressing. Or just thoughts. Now I can't do that anymore. I still make up stories, scenario's, magic worlds, my future but nothing like before. There's way more freedom in life now, but at the same time am I becoming more normal? Actually I like it better. Why bother thinking about it. Life isn't about some depressing thing or whatever I wrote, it's about my life the moment I'm living in. Ok! Cheers to life (why do I feel better/happy now? whatever)

The color of the sky: Clear, clouds swept away into a small pile at the edge of the floor. Clean, a darker blue that looked like glass.

Wait...what about Chris #1...

Part 1: lets sleep or go to Fillory

I didn't get out of my pyjama's till after 4. I woke up at 12, sweating under 2 blankets and a sweatshirt. My family was once again gone, so I just sat there a while. Painting. But I'm out of idea's at the moment. So I'm just sitting here now. Josef and Emi fb about swimming. I just don't want to go. It's really annoying. I want to just sit here on my bed for a bit more, then walk to the library, talk to Chris #1 or someone, eat or make chocolate or cake or something sweet, then go to TOP with someone other than Emi and Josef no offence to them.
Life can be so annoying sometimes.
So can I do that, sleep or just go to Fillory. Actually I suppose I could...hell why don't I? Maybe tomorrow... I should have just said no... god I am stupid. Maybe I'll just say Hi then leave or something, say I have something I need to do. Oh I don't know... Anyways...
Part 1 of my day.

Fortune cookies and ...'s

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.

It's got to be one of the most amazing movies ever. Blade Runner, the directors cut. I just finished watching it. Words really can't describe it. You really should watch it. I read the book in 8th grade as my English syfy book. I should re read it, having watched the movie, my perspective of the book and los Angeles will be completely different... And if you do get a chance to watch it the directors cut is waaaaaay better. The regular one is good, but the directors cut fills in a few more blanks and is more graphic about the story and bloody details.


Anyways... I slept till noon and woke up to an empty house. No one was home. I walked down the hall to my parents bathroom. It was cool for a summer day and the sunlight drifted nicely making the feeling of being alone a nice one. They'd left pancake batter and the pan on the stove which made for a nice breakfast. I didn't get to finish my meal in peace. Everyone came back, so I went to Emi's.

Her, Titi (a friend of ours, I haven't seen her in a while since I don't have classes with her) and I went to Evergreens. We had a lot of fun. 3-4 isn't exactly the idea hour to eat but if you don't want to wait, it's perfect. The restaurant was empty, aside from some waiters sitting in the corner playing with their phones or filling out papers. The lady addressed us, trying to sell more than the simple option of water, her accent made it hard to follow. It was a typical asian probably chinese accent, the kind that for some reason always made me feel comfortable. We ordered drinks and scanned the menu. It took us a while to decide. Once the food came we ate it accompanied with giggles and jokes. Noodles and curry chicken. Eventually we got the check, oranges and fortune cookies. 

You will make many changes before settling down

I started keeping my fortunes inside my phone cover. Even if they aren't my luck number...

We went to get ice cream. On the way we saw a little boy, sitting outside a store on a crate. Brown hair and soft eyes. His nails were painted a dark blue, the color was now faded chipping away. He watched us. I saw him playing in the street while we ordered ice cream. A few minutes later he came in with what I assumed to be his dad and they ordered. It was strange to watch for some reason.

When we got back home Titi left and Emi and I watched T.V. We wanted to watch America's Next Top Model but we couldn't find the channel. Then it turned out that it wasn't on. So we watched something else instead. I don't usually watch T.V since we don't have cable. 

Going swimming with Josef and Emi tomorrow. I don't really want to... Maybe I'll say I'm sick or something. I just don't wanna go.

This is rather boring... I wonder if fortune cookies can actually predict the future, somehow... I know they can't really, their just something to hold on to. Something that tells you your life is going to get better. Can anyone really tell you your future? Is it set out for you, and can you chance it? Or like in Mr.Nobody, you have thousands of options each one has a story you could choose any but you only can choose one and that is your future. I'm tired...Goodnight! 

The color of the sky: It was a darker blue than usual. There was something more to it that just the simple look of summer. A small number of clouds followed the curve of the atmosphere moving slowly in an arc towards the horizon. 

Sitting in a messy room, ac's up, cold, alone, no one's chatting on fb...

Been gone for a while now. Went to "camp" it was a approximately 48 hour retreat with fellow Ukrainian scouting people. Only 13 people showed. It was chill. We sat around a lot. Played volleyball, ate. My friend Natalia (when I write it in English I imagine someone saying her name with a russian accent, it sounds funny) cooked all the food. It was surprisingly quite a lot of fun. And it tasted really good! The only thing was that one night it was super cold and I did not get nearly enough sleep.

I got back around two today and went immediately to see Larissa. She's leaving tomorrow! I'm gonna muss her sooooooo much! But she's coming back in october. We got bored and there was nothing to eat so we went to bushes and bought a small tub of ice cream and a box of spoons. Since there weren't any single spoons we got a whole box for 1.75$ Then we met up with Sabrina and played pool.

Went home and watched back to the future part of 2 and all of 3. It's actually really good! Now I want to see 1.

FBing Emi and Josef.... don't really want to be doing that. Oh well.

I had this great dream. It started out in the real world, but that was all kinda blurry, I don't remember it now. But something happened someone died and I woke up in Fillory. It was a great dream. Wonderful adventures, becoming the hero of that story. And I forgot about earth for a while. Then we were walking through an uncharted part of the land when we came across a barbed wire fence. Crossing to the other side meant going back home. Standing there I remembered why I didn't want to remember or go back. Someone had died, and for me there was no point in living without them. But at the same time I knew like every Fillory book I couldn't stay there forever. The alarm woke me up.
I want to go to Fillory. There's nothing wrong with my life now but it's an adventure. A real one. With magic and quests. For some time now I forgot about wanting to go to Narnia and Wonderland and all those other places. Earth seemed enough. It is enough, I like my life. Just sometimes I wish I could leave and go to Fillory or somewhere... an Adventure.

The color of the sky: Deep into the indigo airy sky there were distant clouds. Like billowing sand dunes on a far off island. The sky's waves lapping against them, pushing them, morphing them into soft shapes.


It's cold. The ac's turned up. My rooms a mess and feels clausterphobic. I want to open the widow's but my dad will yell. With one mintue to midninight I'm on fb. No one's chatting with me, they never do. It get's lonely. Shit, left my brushes in water for 3 days now. I probably ruined them... Oh well. Warm bed waiting for me when I get done with this. So goodnight, and I hope your dreams are wonderful.

cats on drugs or magic

I wish it was winter. Snow would fall tonight. Calm, darkness filled with white instead of restless heat and darkness filled with golden lights inviting to party. Ready to wait instead of jumping to seize an impossible chance.

Emi and I were sitting outside talking and there was this cat. It kept making noises in a bush next to us. Scratching, and meowing and stuff. Emi decided it was high or something. For some reason the cat really unnerved me. Eventually it came out of the bus and walked towards us. I really freaked out. And ran away from it. It lay down a few feet away from us and watched us for some time. Then got up and came closer. Emi decided to pet it. Then I did too. It still kinda bothered me. And I am not all superstitious about cats and ladders and what not.
The cat then began walking circles around us. Occasionally sitting down or stopping to let us pet it. It was like it was putting up wards, or trying to protect us from something. It's breathing was heavy, like purring but not. Like a raspy voice after a coughing fit. We talked it it and pet it. I wonder if it understood... Eventually we got up to leave. For a moment it kept walking circles. Then it began following us. A car scared it off.
As I was walking back to my house I saw it again. It was watching me. As I got closer to the door it began walking then running towards me. I ran to the house and locked the door and looked out. It was just sitting there. Then it was gone. It must have walked away. Weird weird cat. Though it would have been an interesting start for an adventure... I read too many fairy tales.

Chris and Jess. Neither truly have anything on me. I confessed (asked out) Jess and I just flirt with Chris. So I can go either way and it doesn't matter now. Problem kinda solved...ish...

Soooo many people on facebook, and I want to talk to some of them but I'm to shy. I don't wanna. Plus it's awkward to start a conversation.

The color of the sky: The setting sun turned the sky a pale-ing pink and gold. A color that lacked something, but was pretty in itself almost. Like tea that isn't strong enough. It has the right flavor and you can drink it, it just isn't ideal.

Maybe Chris (#1)

I can't believe Ukraine lost to England! Bull. That stupid ref missed that goal! IT WENT IN! GOAL. If we had had that one we totally could have won. And really. Rooney. Why does everyone glorify him so much? Ukraine 16 attempts on goal. England 9. Ukraine ball possession 71%. England 29%. In any case, we should have won and England sucks (their team does at least).
Sweden won. Yay for you Chris #1!!

On that note Chris #1. As Jess is slowly slipping away from even remotely reachable distance Chris is to some degree...well in second. After Jess. Even if I get over him this kid will always be a source of entertainment and a joke for me and my current friends. Well Emi is now obsessed that we are perfect together and forget the fact that he's really annoying and probably a player this is going to happen (according to Emi). I admit, it's getting annoying. Going to TOP for the second time and sitting there (still having a ton of fun) just without a boyfriend.
Ever since I was really little, my parents have taken me to TOP. And as long as I remember I've always wanted to go with a guy, at first it was just my friend who could never make it, and now, boyfriend. Chris has been really nice to me recently, aside from the Ukraine Sweden thing (that was a big deal) so why not. He's good looking, nice (can be), I can talk to him about soccer, and he's slightly ( A LOT) more normal than me and Emi. Now if he would respond to my email... (I'm starting to think it's the wrong email address or something).

Went to my grandma's today. Did almost nothing but watch T.V and eat peanut butter and caramel. Soccer. Went to TOP with Emi. We met up with some theatre friends and Nick. We hung around and danced as teenage bands played, then decided we were bored so we took a walk through campus to the graveyard. And played hide-and-go-seek. Have you ever seen a graveyard at dusk during the summer? It's littered with scattered lights, fireflies, flickering on and off. Dodging between obelisks and graves. Reminding you of spirits and ghosts maybe, but really they remind you of summer and the peaceful easy feeling, no rush. Emi and I looked first. Sabrina scared us, jumping out from behind a gravestone. The second round two of our group left to go find a bath room. So it was the upper class men searching for the Sophomores. I felt like a child, or an unknowing freshman as I ran through the soft green grass dotted with holes of sticks and excrement of tree's. Like a person running in a movie, the camera bouncing up and down focused on the ground beneath my feet. I hid in the tiny crack between a bush and a gravestone. I sat there watching the sky dim, the lights go out. Finally someone called me and the game was over (though we spent a good 1o minutes looking for the other two... we found them at the entrance waiting for us.)

Then we went back to TOP and watched Sherlock Holmes, A Game of Shadows. We sprawled out in the middle of the side walk obstructing pedestrians and cops. I missed a lot of the movie, cause I couldn't concentrate on the movie as people walked past me. Instead I watched their faces, not looking for anyone and not expecting to find the people I could have been looking for. Just faces. Our group slowly dispersed till there was only 5 left. After the movie Emi and Nick kept tickling me (everyone finds it entertaining....everyone) we ran around laughing and screaming. Finally we left. Nick's dad generously gave me and Emi and this girl (Nicks younger brothers not girlfriend friend) a ride as well. 3 adrenalin high teenagers in a car as weird as us is not a good thing. We made it home in one piece.

I sang for the first time in a while, walking back from walking Emi home.

The color of the sky: A summer blue sparkling in the midday heat. Clouds evaporating into white silk threads across the sky. The evening was like a dimming light. Slowly turning grey. An oil lamp being turned down.

a story (not the beginning)

After Larissa got turned down last night Sabrina told her that at least you know his feelings and you won't have the feeling of regret of not asking him follow you around for a long time. You know, Jess never actually told me anything. He just said "I can't do that I don't really know you...you got swag and shit" and that's all. Maybe that's why I can't quite get over him.

After a night of pretty dreams, and by pretty I mean nice, fairy tale adventures (...well sort of...), my friends, and pretty colors, my dad woke me up with "Wake up, we're going to the dentists in 20 minutes". That was 12:00. I've actually been getting a decent amount of sleep.
So that ruined all my yet-to-be-made plans with Emi.
Dentists. Best buy. Kindle fire. Soccer game (Croatia should have won! Or it should have been a tie at least, sadly it was not. Spain and Italy move on, EURO cup 2012). Paint.

You know if I could get over Jess, maybe I could actually Get A Life. Me and Emi have realised this. We really don't have lives, socially speaking. We have a great time, tons of laughs and insane adventures but a boyfriend would be nice we both agreed. She like a sophomore. I have no clue if it will work out (plus she wont see him until crew camp) but it would be nice. She also has a goal of having her first kiss by the end of this year. But not only do I kinda need something of a life (so I don't just sit here all day) I get lonely. I love Emi I really really really do, but I wanna talk so someone else sometimes. Talk about soccer, or theatre, or politics, music, art, everything or anything. And that's where Chris #1 comes in.

My dad, brothers, and two of their friends, and me all went to see Madagascar 3 in 3D. Such a funny movie! It was really amazing! Go watch it! Aside from being a great movie (a lot of modern "kids" movies are like this) it's about a dream, or something important like that. Or am I over thinking things again?

Emi and I went on another walk. We walked all the way to the gas station and got a slushies. There were a lot of sketch guys there. We hurried out and walked back. This girl has a serious obsession with this guy. It was really funny, and a bit disturbing, but still funny. ....we need boyfriends.

The color of the sky: Morning it turned dark fast. Not too dark, like a shade above a rainstorm. Dark grey, not too scary though. It cleared up to blond and blue skies with wispy clouds sagging with a reminder of rain.

TOP

Looking back and reading some of the posts I wrote in april I can't help but think 'God I was so naive and stupid'. I really was. And 3 months from now I'll look back at this and say this was stupid. Oh well. It's just funny, how fast life moves and how silly the once important things become.

Now I look at my life and laugh. How did I not realise that it was so messed up? And is it silly to keep hoping and dreaming about things that will probably never happen?

I went to Top Of the Park tonight! First night this year!
Actually I went to Larrissa's goodbye party. I got her a Michigan t-shirt and drew her a card (even though she told us not to get presents). Everyone thought it was super cute. We ate food and played games. Then Matthew came over. She likes him. Well me and a few others spent at least 30 minutes trying to convince her to ask him to TOP. She asked. We were all so excited for her, especially when she went to walk him to his car.
She ended up texting him that she really really liked him. At first he didn't get it, but then she sent another txt. He replied that he didn't like her that way.
Why does it seem like if a guy likes you they actually don't...fourth person this year.

Well we stayed got cotton candy and watched Charlie and the Chocolate factory. We had to leave early though.

Steph and her friend drove me to TOP. It was funny. They turned up the radio and sang, and danced, while asking me for directions. They're actually really nice if you get to know them (But Steph can get pretty annoying sometimes). I also really like her car.
I kept hoping I'd see someone I knew at TOP, like Jess. But I didn't.

The color of the sky: Driving a red car into the evening, the sky was a pearly consistency. Smooth with swirls of off white, almost vintage clouds. A light blue veil covered most everything else, and it faded into a satin pink and lacy yellow as the sun set further.

Still waiting for an email back from Chris #1.

Don't leave your curtains open or turn off your lights

Don't leave your curtains/shades/whatever keeps people from looking into your house at night, open.

Emi and I went on a walk last night. A long one, that had the feeling that we were waiting for an adventure, a real adventure to begin. 

I'd just finished "The Magician King" (I am soooooooo glad Lev Grossman is writing another book!) and the strange almost melancholy feeling was settling over me. The kind when you've just finished a book, and you know it's over. But it was also the feeling that you get when the book didn't turn out the way you expected, and in a bad way almost. Not that anyone died, but the main character has just lost everything that they cared about and for a moment is stuck in a place where nothing can move on. The overall tone of the ending of the book stayed with me as well. The endless stretch of sand, the unmoving water, the soft touch of cold (now replaced by heat) and the feeling of adventure.

I went into our late night walk with that feeling. For a while we swung just talking. Then getting off we walked to a place we normally don't go. A large community of condominiums on the far side of our neighbourhood. There was a small cluster, and a side walk ran around it, stopping in front of each door. Let's walk around was the suggestion and we did. Finding dozens of un-curtained windows and a story behind each. Not that we could really comprehend the lives of these people we could see a moment of it. 

We sat there for a while just watching people. A street lamp flickered on and off. Sending a morse code, and I don't mean that figuratively it looked like it really was. ...... stop .. ...... ... .. stop. Imagine that with a light. Just an ordinary street lamp. An adventure, that sadly wasn't ours.

We walked to Bushes and got doughnuts. Then we walked back. 

It was almost midnight when I got home. No one cared. 

I went to bed and had a ton of dreams. Plays, horror stories, Jess, Jared Leto, buses, 9th grade memories on paper... Just dreams. 

The color of the sky: (yesterday) A sunlight yellow blob took over the horizon on all sides. From it came the usual light blue. Looking up you could see white lacy clouds forming from the blue sky.

you'll only be 15 one summer

Sparklers with my friends. First day of break.

Schools done.
Actually it ended yesterday after finals. It was weird. I was expecting to feel sad, or happy or something. Instead, there was nothing. Life was just going to move on. It has.
Ukraine lost today. So did Sweden. Oh well so much for those semi finals. At least Ukraine still has a chance. Chris #1 posted that he thinks Ukraine will win anyways. I want to like the comment, but that's kinda stalkerish... I'll do that later.
Emi and I spent hours sitting on the swings in the dark talking. We'll have so much fun this summer.
It's funny though, in that strange way. But it feels like every moment, especially the times I've been spending with my friends this short time of our break, has been totally intimate. Like we're just lost in that moment, nothing else matters. I guess this is where YOLO actually makes sense and isn't just some stupid clique or whatever. Cause we only have one 10th grade (now) summer.

The color of the sky: It was a like it had depth. Like you were looking into a lake, there were visible layers reaching further and further into the depths. Light, almost a bit hazy blue.
The evening sky was beautiful. 1 hour before sun set, the perfect golden light filtered like perfectly like an old romantic movie. The perfect light for pictures of friends walking together, kids playing soccer, or someone running through fields of grass. As the sun set, the sky turned a variety of reds, pinks, yellows and golds. The color that you always wanted to be your favorite but you could never describe it, let alone call it a single color. A color that starts with say yellow and mixes, swirls, and combines together with another color. Then it all faded to the dark cloudless summer sky. Stars.

upside down on the eternal road of finals week

Finals are such a pain. I got a C on both my finals today.
First thing in the morning I waited in a line to turn in my books. Never got to the front. Took my bio final. Got a C. Went to return books. Never got to the front of the line. Took my French final. Got a C. Ran down the stairs to get to the book depository before anyone else. Waited for 5 minutes and turned in my books.

I haven't seen Jess in a while now... According to Emi he was wearing a brown polo. It's really weird, him dressed nicely. But other than that I'm not really sure what to think. I mean it's all ending, this year, all the chances I could have had are pretty much over now that summer is here.

Emi and I started to walk home when we saw Chris #1 on some bus. He was yelling my name out the window. I yelled back that Ukraine won and what not. We argued for like 5 minutes with Emi standing here waiting to tell Chris that he should wear his Sweden jersey again because we looked cute dressed in the same (kinda, not at all but for lack of better way to say it) clothesish. When she did say it I don't think he was paying attention. Tomorrow I have my final with him in class. Trust me he's not hearing the end of it just yet.

Walking home we stopped and wrote comments on each others year books about the people we knew.

Finals have really thrown my life off. Before it was so perfect. I had this perfect schedule. And I got to see Jess a lot. Now I have to deal with Chris #2, hanging out with my friends from my fist school, surprisingly I still fit really well with them... taking to Emi's random friends. Not seeing Jess. Having Emi be obsessed with setting me and Chris #1 up. And having a ton of free time. It's kinda sad. Now I wouldn't mind school being over. But it's just weird, in general. But fun too. I guess I could deal with just the one school... I suppose it's an option. Then on the other hand, there's still Jess, the library an hour of lunch. You know, why do I bother. It's almost summer and none of this will really matter then. Ok.

I sat in my bed reading for hours again. The Magician King. Sequel to the Magicians. IT IS SO GOOOD!

Emi and I went on a 1 1/2 walk/swing/running excursion. Planned out a 9th grade graduation even thing, made an event on FB and talked about school and summer and stuff. We never run out of things to talk about. We're gonna make cake on Saturday.

The color of the sky: A grainy pastel lavender blue. Something about it had an almost rough texture. A photoshop effect that I can't name. If you could touch it, it might feel like sand paper, or coarse sand, or asphalt when you walk bare foot. And it was just empty. No clouds, just a block of asphalt an eternal road (of finals week).

VIVA UKRAINIA! (УКРАЇНА)

UKRAINE beat Sweden 2-1! Their first match in euro cup 2012! When Shevchenko scored his second goal my whole family started screaming. It was so amazing! Best game I've seen so far this euro cup. Fast paced, lots of chances, good ball control and amazing goals. The whole stadium erupted when he scored. Not bad for a 35 year old. Actually he's one of the worlds most amazing and talented players. But it also made me really happy that my whole family just sat down to watch.

CHRIS (#1)! I win! Sweden did not beat Ukraine 4-0, and Shevchenko is not just some player from Ukraine. So I could care less what you do or if you actually give me 5$ or what not, but admit that we do have an amazing team. I really can't wait to see his reaction tomorrow.

So today was the official start of finals. I turned in my essay 1st "hour" exam period at my 2nd school. Then spent about 45 minutes with Sophia walking around the deserted school. No one here has a 7th block. And those who do have exams. So it was quiet. An empty quiet, that matched the London rain outside. Jess was wearing a light blue polo taking his exam. We saw him, as we passed by the open door of his 7th block. Bored, we walked over to Sweet Waters and got strawberry flavoured drinks and sat inside, gossipping to pass the time. It was raining more than drizzling now. The slow steady pattern of drops fell as if they were intentionally slowed by some force. Splattering on the high windows of the cafe, that made it seem like a ware house, rather than a relaxing place to buy a drink.
My dad picked me up and drove me to my 1st school for classes. First person I see when I get there, Chris #2. He starts talking and following me around. I really would have rather been alone, listening to my ipod. I swear he was waiting for me or something. I managed to drop off most of my books. He even followed me when I went to the athletic office to try to drop my soccer stuff off. Eventually we ended up where we started at the book depository. And guess who I find there. CHRIS #1!
I was wearing my Ukraine jersey that day (cause of the game later on) and of course he's wearing his Sweden jersey. The ironic part about it is that the flags of the countries have the same two colors, blue and yellow. Our jerseys, were both yellow, with the national symbol, same blue stripes going down the shirt and the Adidas mark on it. We matched, it was pretty funny but really cute too as Emi later told me. We should have taken a picture.
Well I saw him and immediately we began to argue. Completely forgetting about #2. I was so happy. Really it just about made my day. The rest of school we kept bumping into each other, or inevitably recognising one another in the halls because of our shirts. And we argued. It was fun though.

Came home, watched the game. Studied for quite a while, and taking little breaks in between to read the Magicians (really good book). I finally managed to get away from the house at 9:20 to go on a 15 minute walk with Emi. She talked about her obsession with this one guy. It was pretty funny. We went to the park and swung on the swings. There's this tree in front of the swings. If you swing high enough it's just barely out of your reach. We reminisced about always wanting to touch that branch when we were younger. It turned into a long funny discussion about us as old ladies jumping off swings. I told her about my issues with both Chris's and my revelation that Phil is a junior. It took me literally 10 whole minutes to absorb and get over that fact.
Emi also gave me a list of things she noticed during lunch:
David likes me.
Josef likes me.
Chris #1 likes me, or at least like to flirt with me a lot.
I still fit in with our old group, she doesn't.
This guy she's close friends with might actually like her. It's complicated.
I am really loud.
Me and Chris #1 would be really cute together (if he wasn't such a player, according to her)
Jess is really really scary and sketch. (She saw him getting into a car during lunch and leaving. She said it looked really sketch, I'm not surprised)
And David isn't as wonderful as she thought he was when she first met him.

I should study for my finals tomorrow... it's stopped raining.

The color of the sky: In the morning it was gunmetal grey a thick sheet of clouds hazarding rain. From then it turned to a london grey. A darker, color, but lighter clouds, almost like mist. Then to summery grey, uplifting almost. A cool breeze in the humid air. It stayed that way for some time. Before turning almost black with the coming night. Still rainy.

uninterrupted perfection

Friday and saturday passed by quickly. Eventful but nothing out of the ordinary. It was just going through the motions. Friday was the last full day of school of my freshman year. It was spent like any other day. Running around, doing the craziest things that only manga characters could truly seem to make possible. All this was intertwined with the signing of year books and the writing of my final essay for 7th block.

This whole day has been spent writing my essay and procrastinating it. Sitting on by bed, the coves thrown back. Books laying scattered all over, my cellphone under a pillow, and a plate of half eaten cake. My computer on my lap and the window open, letting in the warm air and sound of our neighbours AC or something like that. Going down stairs, watching the Euro cup. Eating chocolates, and more cake. Relaxing. Reading. Actually it was a perfect day. Uninterrupted by annoying text messages, and facebook posts, or overly loud piano or out of tune violin playing. Actually there wasn't anyone here most of the day.

Tomorrow begins finals week.

The color of the sky: Last night it was gorgeous. It was a perfect rainbow, dimmed in color. Each color was distinct but at the same time each color blended in with it's neighbours, forming unnameable colors in between. The rest of the sky was a dusty navy blue black.
Today it was a yellowing white. The color of shimmering light on the horizon expanding out into a pale blue.

[blank]

It's a blank page. There's nothing written, well now there is. It looked funny, just an empty screen where anything could be written. Or nothing at all.

Jess kept staring at me in class. Seconds can last so long sometimes...

Moon cakes cost 4.50 at this one store. So expensive, but they taste good. Sophia decided we needed to buy a moon cake, we did. And there wen't our finances. 

Sketch. I use that word to much. 

Our modern drama teacher (7th block) gave us a take home final. We have to write a follow up play of "Raisin in the Sun" a summary and the first 4-7 pages of it. I'm actually having a lot of fun with this.

What is life? It's time ticking down to death. ~Emi

I played soccer with the guys for the last time. Three teams, world cup. Chris and Ryan. Kyle and Phil. And team asia, me, Jeff, Sai, and Ben. We lost but it was still so much fun! I'm gonna miss that so much.

The color of the sky: Blue. Just blue. Almost perfect in a way. Clouds that I could count on my fingers, hung in the air, perfectly. An occasional airplane. Summer sky, with no cares. 

I'm really hungry right now...

Raisin in the Sun. I really need to read more. When you can't take your eyes off a book or a play and it isn't the best thing in the world (although this is an amazingly written play through on a regular basis I would not read a book on this particular topicish...thing) it means you really need to get back to reading. I miss books!!!! So little time, especially with finals and the last week of school coming up.

Skipped class today. Josef and Sophia and I. First off they spent 15 minutes, Josef trying to convince me to come with them and Sophia telling me to go to class. All the while incorporating Jess into the conversation. And he was standing literally 10 feet away. We ended up walking around an office building, riding the elevator up and down and finding a space that was being rented. I decided I should live there. It was such a perfect little thing. 2 rooms, a wide open room split into two sections by an invisible line. And then a door on the right about in the middle of the wall. Not sure what was in the door, but a bathroom would be nice. I started imagining how it would all look. A small bed, pushed up against the far wall, a desk against the left wall by the bathroom. My clothes I could just keep in some drawers under the bed. The kitchen would be in the second part, the open space when you enter, to the right. A small stove, oven, sink, maybe a microwave and a cabinet for silverware, plates and such. A small wooden table, or one of those metal ones they have sitting outside cafe's. And two matching chairs. Somewhere in there I could put an arm chair. My orange one, from the theatre (sadly it's not actually mine, and it's gone now). Beside it there would be a small low table. There's also this little awkward strip between the bathroom and kitchen. I could put up a book shelf for all my books and little things. The bathroom would have a small sink, mirror. Maybe a bathtub if there was room. A small one, that stood up on those little legs. I could keep other things there too I guess...
Now if it was in New York or  Paris that would be the best thing in the world. With a nice view out my one window. God I want to live there now.
I just looked it up. OMG. I'm going to live there. Even if it is an office space.

I biked to school this morning. It was cool, but refreshing. I haven't ridden my bike in ages! Every time I ride it I remember why I bought it. It feels like I'm so free. Like the wind.

Broke my earphones. Got a new pair. Drank expresso. There was a fire drill. Tomorrow is Thursday.

The color of the sky: Once again it reminded me of this childish memory of my thoughts of the sky. Blue as ever, with white inconsistently shaped clouds. Moving rapidly across the sky.

I fell asleep on the bus today.

blue elephant

So tired. I really need to sleep. So far I've missed both alarms, today and yesterday morning. First time that's happened in a while.
The day was pretty uneventful. The daily routine of listening to our teacher rant in biology, a sub in french class, sitting around in gym now that we finished the final. Taking the bus. Listening to music. Lunch.
Actually one thing did happen during lunch. Sophia didn't have a lunch so I gave her a piece of bread (2 pieces of bread was my lunch). Just then Jess walks out of the building. She was ready to scream his name when I started talking. "Bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, bread, Sophia, bread, food, Sophia, bread, bread, food, bread, food, Sophia, bread, food, Jess, food..." All that to keep her quiet. Actually she started laughing.
Then history. Jess kept looking at me. Just wondering but what do you want? I was drawing, and while I draw I make really weird faces, depending on what I'm drawing or trying to draw. Well he saw me make a lot of faces today... oh well...

Walked home with Emi.

My stomach is soft. And I really need to sleep. Life is...good.

The color of the sky: It felt somehow like an ordinary day from the past. Moving clouds, forming shapes out of wispy thin and fluffy thick clouds that were blown across the sky. It felt like a childish normal. Like the sky I though of as a kid. Not the bright fast paced, rainbow my vocabulary cannot describe. Just simple, and easy to tell as story with the clouds. Hey I think I just saw an elephant.

too perfect to breath

I kept forgetting to write this... Do you ever notice people breathing? I was sitting in history one day, we were working on something, I was drawing when I looked up and the person I was doodling was breathing. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that people breath, but it never really dawned on me. To me it seemed like we almost don't need to breath. We just live. It's so weird to realize that all these people around you are actually alive. They feel things too. We take too many things for granted...
Just a weird little note.

I got mango pudding for lunch. Saw Jess eating lunch with a girl, and they may have something...popped balloons. Had strike at theatre.
I got elected for board! I was so nervous when I made my speech. I had no clue what to say. I suck at talking in front of people, I get scared and nervous, but I love acting. And I can and have acted in front of hundreds if not a thousands of people. But I got elected for Productions management. I'm really excited for this now!

I went to the library for the first time in ages. I miss that place. I'll probably end up living there for a few days over break. 1 more week then finals. I think I might actually cry when it's over. Who knows.

The color of the sky: The sky and clouds were like the mix of something put into a blender. Still blending.  Clouds and sky, fusing together, but you could still tell they were two different things, now maybe one.

Fur elise, breakdown, a story.

I hate my parents. Why do they always have to ruin everything. It's been actually a decent sunday. Now I'm crying. I don't really know why. What if I killed myself. What would happen. Would anyone care.
Hell yeah, kill myself cause I couldn't play the piano. You know it's too easy.  A knife my wrist. Seconds. I could just die. I could no longer care about anything. It hasn't seemed this possible since never. I could, maybe I should. No more Jess, Sophia, Emi, Nick, theatre, drawing, reading, music, no more laughing or tears. Breaking down. Is this normal. I know if I can get to tomorrow, I will be fine. Stubborn, shy, defiant, looking forward, if... Someone, get me some drugs, a party, someone tell me it will be ok. Jess smile, tell me I have swag and shit, and it's ok, it's cool.
Music that always helps. Ok. Fuck all this. My room is a mess, my life at home is a mess, school is so much better. Maybe I should live there.

I bet it's snowing outside.

Romantically apocalyptic. I like that world. It's quiet. It snows. Beautiful white snow. Somehow I don't think I would mind living there. Even with a crazy Captain and some random guys in a radioactive wasteland of our once earth.

Other than this little episode, the day went well. Tutoring. My dad left. The tutor never showed up. I forgot my cell phone so I decided to walk to Trader Joe's and hope that I met my dad on his way to pick me up. It was relaxing, to just walk down a street not really caring about anything.
I played the piano for so long afterwards. Over and over the same piece the same part. Yet my parents still made me play it. So fucking annoying.
Me and Emi went down to the tunnel to graffiti again. The water level had dropped and after a while we noticed the millions of worm like mini centipede's lurking in the mud and puddles of moldy water. It was disgusting. Normally I love bugs, these are my one exception.
We then spent a good hour planning a dream home with our friends, crushes and random people we know all living in one huge house. We began drawing out a floor plan. It was the best thing ever. I really would love to live there for 1 year (at least 1 year). It's such a crazy scenario that it could work out, if we could find a house like that...with a potato closet...

And then my parents made me play the piano again. Again. I'd been playing for at least 2 hours in all. And I was done. I'm quitting after this recital. I am done. Then I can play whatever I want. 30 minutes till tomorrow. I'm fine now. Web comics and music help, I only wish I had chocolate.
Tomorrow I have gym, but we'll probably just play soccer. Yay. I think I'll go buy pudding tomorrow, with my brothers money. And maybe coffee, or tea... Sounds good.
The sharpie writing still hasn't washed off. Oh well.

The color of the sky: An easy going blue. Kind of violet, but mostly blue. Drifting, melting clouds like sea foam, or waves. And bigger clouds, like monuments, giant stone walls of off white, yellowing silk. The remains of a lost civilization, it's legacy far off in the distant mountains of clouds on the eastern horizon.

I'm still alive.

last (day's) show

Our last show for this school year ended. And I just got back from the cast party at Denny's. I ate waaaaay too much. We all sat at a booth together, Me, Emi, Nick, Eve, Ariana, and Chi. We talked about the funniest things. The show, school, classes, porn, who's going with who, what happened with Chloe, and Sam, how Nick and Isaac should go out, food, on and on. We wrote the names of people we liked or those who liked us on our arms. I have "<3 EMI <3" and a drawing of totoro on one hand and "<3 <3 JESS <3" as well as "<3 NICK" on the other. In giant permanent sharpie ink. Isaac saw it and laughed so much. I keep forgetting he knows Jess. But really he though it was the funniest thing. We later wrote "JESS <3" and "NICK!!!! <3" on his arm. Oh I hope it doesn't come off. We ordered a ton of food and ate most of it. The people who work at Denny's must really hate and love us. We are so loud and annoying, but we order so much food and leave a huge tip ever time. It was 11:30 when we finally left. Now I'm sitting at home, typing.

Last day of Saturday school! I passed. As always, good grades. And there was much rejoicing, yay. I love "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" funniest thing ever! Go watch it, and read the subtitles in the beginning credits. That may just be the best part.

I was going to sleep after school, but my family is renovating something in our house. And they needed to use the attic. For some reason the only way to get there is through a hole in my ceiling. So the guy who did this was in my room and I couldn't sleep. I just left. And talked to Emi at the part for a while. Then theatre, the show! We did really great again. And we ate the icing off our styrofoam cake! It was sooooooo goood!!!!!!!! Me and Dan (who earlier thought it was totally disgusting) and Larissa ate it all. The show ended, a lot of people came. We spent like 30 minutes saying good bye, congratulating and finding rides to Denny's. Then we got there and the things in the first paragraph happened. The end. (Of yesterday) Night.

The color of the sky: A murky dark blue. Grey cotton puff clouds floated in the sky. Bobbing like ice bergs.

June 1 Friday

My life is complete! Just kidding. I just bought a ton of new music. It made me so happy! I also ordered 10 new volumes of "The Wallflower" from the library. It is such a great manga! Can't wait to read the rest of it!!!!!! (It's still may... 10:32... 1:28 more minutes... wait why am I counting down?)

Ok it's june now. Yesterday's show was AMAZING! We did so well! Best opening night ever! Plus we finally got balloons for our show! Everyone did a great job!

Sophia and Mouse (the guy she likes) have actually made some progress. Yesterday they talked! And he kept looking and smiling at her while we were...um...doing, stuff (following him and looking for Jess, we never found him...) Fun times. We got a bunch of candy bars for lunch. I should probably eat a real lunch every once in a while....

I was in math class when I started drawing. Little doodles. I drew these two girls that sit in front of me. I don't know why but the doodle seemed like a memory. Rainy day. That whole nostalgic kind of image. She's Jess's ex girlfriend. It was...strange. Like looking back at someone else's memory unsure what to think...

The color of the sky: It was already dark out when we walked out of the theatre. Through the dusty rain clouds and dark blue smeary sky we could see an rain washed golden pink light from a whole in the clouds. Almost as if the sun had never set in that one little place.