taking pills to keep you alive while you're slowly killing yourself

Life just gets worse and worse. It's horrible. Parents yelling, homework piling up, people, people, people, stay away from me! Jesus! I want to read, sleep and watch movies, and draw. I'm so SICK of everything! And when all this happens I just stand there clenching teeth, hands tightened in fists but I can't do anything. Because even if it makes me feel better to rip up my math home work and I really could care less about it it will just lead to more people yelling at me. I can't even yell or cry, especially not in school.
And this history class is stupid.

That aside (although I'm still fucking pissed) Santa came. Actually it's St. Nicholas. The 6th is the day of St.Nick. My brothers were running around since 4 in the morning, trying to guess what lay in the finely wrapped packages. I as usual didn't want to get up, you know my room is so cold sometimes I think I'm just gonna die in there, and it doesn't help when I try to get up. Well eventually they got me up and I opened the gifts. Actually my mom did, she wanted to reuse the wrapping paper. I got 2 pairs of jeans one fuzzy and dark blue skinni (only a bit too big) and a second regular skinni (too big on the around my hips, maybe I am loosing weight!), a Detroit Tigers hat it's cute! Orange, black and white, with ear flaps and pompoms on strings, there's also a pompom on the top. And itunes gift cards 30 bucks!
That was the only good things about the day.
I finished my english project and I had to stay up late last night for it and work at school, I was even late to a class, and it wasn't even due today! Pissed...

Dakota thinks I like his friend cause I kept looking over towards him. That's cause I was looking for glue to finish my english fucking project! And the clocks over there. I do think he's cute and I wouldn't mind dating him, he reminds me of Nobu from Nana (the manga by Ai Yazawa, it's really really good!). So when he asked me about it I kinda blushed. Thank god there's only 10 more school days.

I wonder why I think New York and Dj will save me. I just have to get up...I need to stop putting things off...but instead I decide to try to stop eating...wow am I productive...

It's like: Andy, the doctors, Prescribed me the pills. But I know I'm not crazy. I just lost my will. So why am I, why am I, Taking them still?

...But I miss you like hell...

Give me something to believe in,

A breath from the breathing

So write it down,

I don't think that I'll close my eyes

'Cause lately I'm not dreaming

So what's the point in sleeping?

It's just that at night,

I've got nowhere to hide

So I write you a lullaby

A lullaby

Love Jacks Maniquin.

The color of the sky: Weightless so high up there like if you reached up you'd never reach it. Those grey skies spread out in front of you. There forever...