Day 19: Slowly sliding back to normal

I am over it. My little crisis. Everything is slowly slipping back to normalcy. Once again highschool and life.

I think I did really good on my tests! Bio and french. Gym was funny. So we were suppose to run a mile, timed. And Chris (he shall be named Chris #1) decided that all the guys would walk to annoy our teacher (the guys all dislike him, a lot). So he paired up with me, and once again we went through the ritual of walking a lap his arm around me, me playing along. It didn't work. The pairing was really messed up and the teacher made us run laps for 25 minutes. Those who actually ran got to end early and walk. Chris barely ran (only in front of the teacher) but he got to walk everyone was soooo pissed at him (especially the other guys). I got an "I love you" mouthed to me (from Chris) and that was all. Class ended.

It was actually really cold out today. And I wore shorts. One of these days I will end up in the hospital with hypothermia or pneumonia. I spent half an hour outside listening to birds talk, before I went inside.

Kaitlin came back! She was sick a long time. And now she's backkkk! It made me so happy. So me and Sophia took her on our usual love stalking tour. Fist floor first, but Jess wasn't there. Then up to the third floor for Mouse. He wasn't there, so we decided to go look for his class room. We knew which hall it was so we walked  into every class and looked. We didn't want to go in this one just as we were about to he walked out the door. Sophia freaked and ran down the hall, her face was all red. We ran around the school laughing. The rest of the class consisted with us telling stories of our messed up weekends. And Kaitlin's boyfriend is coming! We get to stalk him too! Yay!

I wonder how people can have conversations with the same people everyday and always have something to talk about.

Soccer was in the pouring rain and even after a hot shower I'm still cold.

I still haven't gotten any hugs. Pouts. Tomorrow! I definitely will.

Tomorrow are auditions for the next theater show! Can't wait!

The color of the sky: Only clouds. Slightly sepia, but grey overall. The sunrise was trapped under the mound of clouds on the eastern horizon. Golden sunlight streamed through the clouds as if through a paper screen.

PINK today and tomorrow

A PINK FISH. That was all I wanted last night. This fish is going to make my life better. Because it's a fish and it's pink. 

All I want is a hug, for someone to tell me it's all right and for Chris to be happy. Both of them! Please SOMEONE HEAR ME AND MAKE THINGS WORK! and not just with my life ( i wish i could say that honestly, i'm really selfish, I'm sorry, no i'm not. but i want things to go back to normal fast. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to cry.


It's 10:56 and I don't think I'll ever fall asleep tonight. Really it's not that bad, it's good to be loved but I can't help but feel hopeless and all messed up. I meant it, when i said i would have kissed Chris (from gym) and had to deal with that. 
please let this work out. Please let me be happy. Give me that much. Even if I'm alone, i can be happy... just don't let people feel a lone and confused like I am. This I really mean. 


I don't even know what I am saying. Maybe if I was on crack it would be ok. but i'm just tired, and confused and listening to Papa Roach, which really does help. I stopped shaking... 1 hug please that's all I ask for. Please, Chris, Jess, Dj, Nick, Emi, Chloe, phil, max, titi, sophia, anyone out there. 


It's tomorrow and my little (I'm not sure what to call this...) internal train wreak has ended. And I'm close to fine again. I think it was just me at 12:00 a lack of sleep and rationale. It's actually pretty flattering that someone fell in love with me (a 15 year old girl...) at first sight. I'm still trying to figure things out but my little teenage crisis is over for now.
I did it, and I'm not dead. I bet to most of you this seems like a rather stupid thing to be worried about, but I have no idea about these things, I only occasionally read about things like this. And I don't know who I really like. This is all so confusing for me. Do I like Jess? Chris? The other Chris...?
Well yeah. SO don't fall for me. My life and I have issues.

Thanks for bothering to read this account of me really early in the morning and freaking out.

highschool girls life

"like all this happens when we are not... wanting. when we want.... does not happen. you see? we must not want... what we want! then we will get what we do not want!" Emi.

IKR!

part of my fb conversation just now.
This guy i met last night at the cast party just told me he fell in love with me at first sight. 

LIFE. and HIGH SHOOL that is all i have to say.
I'm shaking so much I can't write. I had to stop and listen to Papa Roach in the middle to calm myself down (music is my drug). I don't want to hurt him I want to be friends he's funny and weird, but I just don't like him in that way. Why is it this way?!

I almost wish that the other Chris from gym had KISSED ME and I could have said I was in a relationship with him! MY GOD. All i can think now is PRAY. And hope things get better from here on out. 

Tomorrow I'm going to PRAY to the Shrine Gods at the strip mall. and Jared Leto (he's God according to me and my friend). Me and her are in the same boat now.  

• "i don't know
• things will work and Jess can make miracle happen! I BELIEVE IN THIS........no i dont'. fuck"

Day 18: never go back

Why do specific moments in your life determine so much. One word, could change everything forever! And when you say that word or do that thing, whatever it is, you can never go back, no matter how much you atone and amend. Broken hearts are never truly fixed... (an example per say).

A cafe, a typical american coffee chain. An older man stands at the counter, chatting away with a customer. His nearly bald head, outlined with thinning grey hair and a wrinkled brow suggest he's perhaps in his late 50's early 60's. Music plays on an endless soundtrack of happy sunday morning tunes. Tables are scattered in an organised manner across the small area of the shop. Few are occupied this morning. A bedraggled lady, reading in the corner, two fit runners chatting away in the far corner lit by the sun already crawling high in the sky. A pair of college students brainstorming idea's and rewriting Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliette into a story not of love, but of adventure, blood, murder, lust, lingering with the flavors of booze and sex, the innocent love of teenagers gone from the story replaced with much darker motives. A girl staring uninterested at a math problem while her tutor is away blowing his nose. A new patron enters the shop and the owner jumps to serve. Another typical sunday at 10:00 A.M.

Things are so confusing. I wonder if I'm confusing myself even more than I need too. Really all I need to do is wait, but what happens if I wait too long and I miss my chance? At this point everything will begin to go in circles and I will go crazy, so I'll stop. 

My dad took me and my brothers to the science centre to see the raptors they have there. And the library. When I was younger we lived in that area and my dad would always take me to see the birds, and little animals they have there. 

Do dreams have any significance to your future or life in general? 

I always wake up before the part I need to see the most. Right before the magic words are said, right before we find open the door to the exit, right before I die. My mom, my brothers some one always wakes me up, almost as if someone somewhere doesn't want me to know my own future. Not that it would be fun to know, but it could help a bit...

I did a lot of homework today.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. All these things that I do... Why.

Ah, I just changed the look of my blog, I was really really bored.

The color of the sky: Blue. A very common unnoticeable blue. Light in color and faintly dotted with clouds who's shape and color escapes me. 

Day 17: I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs, but I'm not really sure what love means

I fell asleep with the beginnings of a party hangover.

Recently I haven't been thinking as much, I haven't questioned everything. It feels kinda stupid and irrational to do so now. I still come up with 1000 scenarios of one action, and random impossible things that could but don't happen. I wonder if that's how normal people think, focus only on whats in front of them. Listening to the music instead of drifting off into entirely different worlds. That seems boring, I think I'll try to slip out of this angst hangover of mine. I don't want to be like everyone else. Or am I already?

I was in the car to school today and I though of my friend who told me that he once walked on a rainbow. I believed him back then, I was 5. Why does it seem so real and possible almost in the strangest way.

I was reading the Magicians, again. I first read it 2 years ago in 7th grade when I really shouldn't have (That was the year I switched from teen novels to adult books that were so wonderful and hopeless and I didn't understand but wanted to). The graduation and Fogg's talk really stuck out this time. I dunno why, maybe cause I could somehow relate and take something from that. But I can't do magic, maybe I am just the slightest from normal. But trust me I still believe, always will and I am never growing up completely.

I discovered a great new song. Dear Jack, by Jack's Mannequin. It's really really good. I've been listening to it all day.

I need to write everything down fast, before tomorrow comes at last. It rhymes...

School was annoying, and my hair was a mess. Not that I really need to bother with my hair and clothes, because there is no one there to impress or that I have a fondness for in anyway.

I was wondering...even though I don't like Chris, he's annoying, childish, selfish, a complete and utter idiot and when I say these things I don't mean them like I'm trying to pretend I don't like him but I do. I really...dislike his character. But when he hugs me it makes me really happy, and loved (even if he doesn't like me it's warm and comforting and makes me happy. OK). No one else does that or bothers really... But I like Jess... This is getting complicated.

What is love? Just wondering.
The last time I said it...I didn't understand. And I know I don't understand, because that's just not right (it's just my version) but then what is it actually? Is it even possible?

Another show tonight. My outfit was really cute. Wavy hair braided partially back, held back with a grey silky ribbon. A white v-neck top, and grey kinda brownish cardigan sweater. A pinkish frilly skirt, white tights and fuzz brown boots. Everyone said I looked really cute.
The show went well or so I hear, I spent it drawing and half asleep in the ticket booth. Also drinking Dr.Pepper. Emi came.
Afterwards we all went out to Denny's! It was so fun. I met another guy named Chris. He is weird too. Not as weird as the other one. He made one super long straw and tried to drink stuff out of it, and make spitballs shoot out, not that it worked very well. He told me to friend him on facebook. There were eating contests and lots of Pancake Puppies. So good! I ate too many, so much for my diet...
Emi's mom took me home. I had a lot of fun.

I'm trying to remember what else I had to say, but the words aren't coming back. I remember something but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe I'll remember some other time...
I wonder what the song Dear Jack actually means, you could interpret it so many ways I guess...

Today I was out of my usually dead end tired sleeping through life/class phase. I was tired but awake. Getting better!

Starting monday things are going to be weird, tech week is done and it's gonna be monday. Chris, Jess, Mouse, Sophia, 7th block, math, mile run, nothing weird, just school and messed up life.

The color of the sky: There was no sky today. The empty void was filled with the surface of another planet. Rough rocky terrain, liquid desserts, frozen dunes and murky bogs. All an alien grey white, mixed with dimmed florescent colors that could be classified as a very dimmed purple.
The night sky was gorgeous again. No clouds, stars that sparkled and a cheshire moon. Cold and perfect for screaming at the top of your lungs.

Day 16

Not quite perfect, but rather a very good revers of my made up schedule.
1st hour: no test
2nd: movie
3rd: no mile run
lunch: PUDDING (I LOVE mango pudding) and I drew this cool thing, and I talk to my friends...that I have not eaten lunch with in a very, very, very long time due to complications and my self consciousness...
5th: math. No reason to explain further.
7th: Best thing ever. My friend Sophia and I decided to stalk the guys we like. Jess and Mouse (which is his code name). First we ran down to the first floor and found Jess. I pointed him out and she had to run and check to see if it was really him. Then we ran away laughing. Then we went to look for Mouse, on the third floor. He wasn't there, just as we were about to go back, Sophia turns around and there he is. She froze, then ran away laughing. Sat down in the middle of the floor in a fit of laughter. I was laughing too. Her face was all red. "The most humiliating thing ever." She kept saying, and I kept laughing.
After class, we decided to go find Jess again. We ran to my bus stop, which he usually passes on the way to his. But he wasn't there, so we RAN to the back of the school to see if he was playing basket ball (he does sometimes). He wasn't there. So we ran around the school again, but by that time he was gone. We laughed a lot.

I took the bus home.

Passing time, did not go as planned. My plans were far to...improbable and required the specific elements of many things that are hard to achieve.

Tonight was opening night! I spent a lot of time cleaning and running around. My usher was being annoying, but as I ran around doing odd jobs I realised how much I love everyone and everything got better. I was happy for the rest of the show.
Sold tickets (I was house manager, it's actually fun, minus the math part). Talked a lot. And sat there in my pretty satin blue dress.
When the show was over we all went to a cast party at a club house! It was fun. Played uno, listened to music, ate domino's pizza and doughnuts. Lots of fun. I just got home.

I was looking back at a few posts where I was really tired, and I think it sounds as if I was really depressed or high on something. Or old. Looking back at the past as if that's all that's left. Well now I'm looking forward and up.

I ate lunch with my friends. I wonder if I can still call them that (Miranda is an exception, we still talk a lot). I've been gone for so long that I feel like I don't have the right to go there anymore. Not that I really mind. I like sitting by myself (Anti-Social!) and reading, outside (in the freezing cold, I'm surprised I haven't gotten hypothermia). It was weird. I didn't stay long.

This is a long post, and it's getting even longer.

I wonder if I should just confess and ask Jess out. I think he likes me. Maybe... I dunno. But maybe it would be better, then if I get rejected I can get over it, and continue to obsessively draw him in class anyways (or not...). I dunno, things don't work out like they do in manga, do they?

Today was definitely a fun day. Tomorrow probably won't be, except for the show and cast party.

I wonder why people make wishes on dandylions, when did that start? And stars, and numbers, and everything else. Was it just a mistake, or luck, or something. I wonder why?

Ok I'm done! GOOD NIGHT TO ALL! happy dreams and wishes!

The color of the sky: An even chalky blue in every direction. The whole day. No clouds. Or maybe everything was covered in a thin gauzy invisible layer. I couldn't really tell.
At  night it just got darker, if there were clouds they evaporated leaving only the stars and moon to decorate the blue black sky.

Day 15: BALLOONs!

Today for theatre advertisement we got BALLOONS! It was a dream come true for me. I swear it was picture perfect in my mind. I got to imitate one of my own drawings, a girl dressed cute, holding a balloon that was actually floating. I got to do that all day!!!!! It made me soooooo happy!
I even took them on the bus with me.
They followed me everywhere.

Had a soccer game and I scored! We also won, 3-0! And we ate cake, cause it was my friends birthday (she's also on the soccer team).

I like hydrangeas very much now.

I finally saw my friend again. We haven't talked in so long (like a few days, not counting every morning while we drive to school). She was all mad about stuff. So I transferred some of my good luck to her. And she immediately began to laugh, I did too. Ah we always laugh about the stupidest nonsensical stuff. So I think tomorrow will be a good day for both of us!

My scheduled day tomorrow:
1st hour: Ace test
2nd: do nothing
3rd: beat Chris at the mile run
lunch: get mango pudding (I am in love with this stuff)
5th: go to math. draw.
passing time: pray. to. god. that all goes well and my wish comes true (then it really will be a perfect day)
7th: laugh, eat, draw, talk.
after: clean theatre, OPENING NIGHT!
then: eat. sleep.
dream. happy dreams.

That is what I am hoping for tomorrow! Maybe with my luck, maybe it will all work out, somehow. (I wonder if this is too much good luck...)

The color of the sky: It was hard to distinguish the sky from clouds. The pastel light blue sky was covered in clouds that were white with an underbelly of blue, metallic darker blue mixed with the soft pastel color of the sky.
The evening sky became a monotone of pastel blue. The tips of the sky vaguely pink and yellow gold pastel. I couldn't quite tell if the whole sky was covered with clouds or if it was just the sky. Endless in depth, I wonder what the bottom, or the surface of this ocean looks like.

Day 14: 1/2 day

Today was a half day. A rather sad one.
It wasn't a bad day, just there was a lingering sadness all day, perhaps left over from yesterday...
Time went by at a regular pace. And the hallways looked oddly like a normal high school scene. I always drift through things half way. Today though it seemed like reality. Or more like the memory of one. Like a rainy day where you look back and everyones faces are clear in your mind, so real, even though you've promised to forget. Sepia.
I saw Jess in the hall. And there was this one moment of happiness. The sunlight filtering through clouds on a rainy day. No rainbow.

Had an orthodontist appointment. And was ignored for the most part.

Heard on NPR about a book, a true story of a girl abused. And killed. "A Silence of Mockingbirds." It was disturbing, but even more disturbing was the fact that the USA doesn't have a national policy on child abuse. And we call ourselves the greatest nation... or have we left that title already?

Once again I dislike people. And myself for that matter. And phone numbers. Ah I'll get over it.
Thankfully my usher issues have been solved! Hallelujah! I think I will survive my phone number crisis much better than the last one.

Headache.

I am very very very tired.

In snow. 

It rained. I walked outside to go to the library and the shrub with white flowers on it was drooping down, heavy from the rain. It smelled nice too. Summer rain, no worms, but a the smell of mud mixed with flora. The warm smell of summer and rain mixed together. The sky was a navy blue grey. Prettyful.

like the color of the sky 

The color of the sky: Despite the warm summery weather the sky was the arctic. White sheets of ice spread out in every direction. South the snow turned darker, untouched by the sun. While the northern clouds were just like snow. Soft, fluttery. Bits of light blue ocean slipped between dislodged chunks of ice floating eastward to the Arctic ocean. In the distance there were snow dunes, prominent white splotches wandering across the barren landscape.
Winter turned to summer as the rain came on. The sky turning dark with the night was a navy blue grey. A mix of my Pittsburgh sweat shirt colors. A constant warm tone. With a few prominent white clouds, that looked like bunches of white flowers, like hydrangeas.

please sweet Dreams

I'm still feeling a bit depressed and sad. Not because of the ushers thing. I'm over it!!!
But just cause. I feel like something is missing, or something irreplaceable has broken. This vague tingling feeling of loss and sadness. Like a memory of something. The feeling like you should have said something but you didn't.
I feel like singing but the house is full of my family. So I'm writing about it instead of singing.
It surprising how comforting it is to write about these things on a blog where random people will or won't read it. Most of the people who have viewed this probably haven't even read it or don't really care. But it does help. Maybe someone will look at it and say hey I feel like that too. Then I won't be as lonely.
What would also help is a hug. But Chris isn't here (and I don't get hugs from many other peoples. A hug from Jess would be nice too... I wish).
For now then, all that's left is to hope that I have good dreams that are warm and fluffy like clouds, or clear and endless like the night sky in Canada covered with a blanket of stars.
Dreams, dreams, dreams.
Sweet dreams, everybody.
Good night.

Day 13: No wonder it's unlucky.

For the love of it. People learn to reply asap, not two weeks after I asked you. Now everything is messed up...........dammmit. I hope one of my ushers gets sick before the show so they can't usher and my life will be complete (aside from kissing Jess lol).
Take a deep breath. Everything will turn out fine. It always does. We learn. We move on.
Ok I'm over it. (almost, I think I'll need a few more minutes).

Today was ok. Boring classes. Chris was er...saying interesting things that I didn't quite hear but nor did I want to.
I went to school with a bunch of bows in my hair (Wacky hair day for theater). No one said a thing about it.
Jess looked at meeeeeeeeeeeeeee a lot during class. And I saw him in the hall and he looked at me during lunch! Yay!!! I think he's...maybe not adorable but cute in his own way. My friends are all, ALL, sacred of him. Even my guy friends. It's funny. Also he's fun to draw. His face is a challenge but it's still fun. A few days ago while drawing him, I couldn't get his eyebrows right. Later I complained to my friend how I hate his face, not literally but for drawing purposes kinda. Don't worry I still like you!

From what I have written so far I feel like I'm trying to cheer myself up about this whole ushering thing. It's working.

I had a soccer game today. We won, 2-0. I had a perfectly bent shot on goal, but the goalie got it, everyone said they were convinced it would go it. I love my team.

I went to theater again! And had fun. A girl who's helping out though I was a junior. Best compliment ever! Most people think I'm an 8th grader. During my last vacation someone asked if I was in 5th grade. Look people I'm not that short. Ok! But that made me happy (the junior part).

asdfkla;sdlfkjaskl;fj

I love the noise the trashcan on the computer desktop makes when you empty it. (Macbook)

Tomorrow is a half day. I wish it was a full day. So that I could go to 7th block. And ride the bus. And draw a lot. And lot's of other stuff. But tomorrow I'm gonna dress up pretty and make myself feel super happy and everything will turn out fine tomorrow!!!!!

I also think I'll go buy cake tomorrow.

The color of the sky: On one end there was an eternity of perfect mario bro's shaped clouds that continued endlessly in a sea of slowly fading light blue sky. On the other end was a sheet of grey rainy clouds. Unlike the other side they seemed to abruptly end like the edge of a cliff. The sky in between was a darker light blue. Looking up it was an ocean with scattered white islands. Each one it's own little paradise.

Day 12: monotone sky mixed feelings

I ride the same bus every day. Same driver, same number. Sometimes I change the seat I'm sitting in, but it's always the same. Same people (unless their not there for some reason), no one new ever comes. It goes the same way, same old scenery, it never changes, yet we always stare silently out the window. What are we looking at? Occasionally the choir people do talk, but I don't, neither does Jess. It's weird. Maybe I should walk to school more often. Or ride the city bus. I guess I just don't want to miss a minute that I could be around him... that seems kinda stupid. I should be out having adventures and I could if I wanted to. But I keep wishing that something will happen. And every minute counts. If I miss my chance, who knows if I'll ever get it back...
Myself spoken for, I wonder why everyone else rides that bus. Are their lives really so simple and don't require any change or adventures? Are the so close tied to their friends that they have to take that very first bus? Why does he take that bus?

Why does it seem that all the questions I ask have answers that I can't answer on my own.

Today before gym, while we were waiting for the teacher to open the gym Chris gave me a very very long hug. Not just a friendly hug...it was filled with warmth and comfort, a hug that my ex-boyfriend didn't even bother giving. Or maybe it was just my lack of human comfort and hugs.
Why does this kid like me (does he even)? Cause I don't pay attention to his pranks, cause I laugh when he gets in trouble or when he acts stupid and wants sympathy for it. Why do they and have liked me?...
Another unanswerable question.
Then he called me over to ask about his friends new bright orange shoes. Put his hand around my shoulder and walked around like that for a while.
I don't mean for this to be a love therapy session, but I have to write this down. This usually doesn't happen to me.

I finally got to go to theatre today. I feel like I've been gone for so long! Even though it's only been a few days.

I've also begun to draw short comics. They make me laugh, cause they're stupid. But not all that bad. The drawings are surprisingly better than I expected... Yay me!

The color of the sky: A solid blue. Even the horizon remained the same color as the rest of the sky. And it was empty, like an ocean without waves. The winter wind had blown away all the clouds, and even as night is falling there isn't a single cloud in the entire sky. Although the consistency of blue has turned into a sepia gold and white the sky is rather monotone. Flat page of two colors, one fading out to become the other.

Day 11: realistic unreality A2 to Wonderland

10:00 I had tutoring. I hate math that early in the morning especially on sunday, but it makes me feel a bit better. I can do almost all the math in my head. It's easy. But I still get bad grades on tests. Probably cause I don't pay attention in that class. All I ever do is draw. Doing the math in my head makes me confident, and at ease, at least there's one thing I can get right and not have to question.

My family dragged me to Lansing today to see my brother art exhibit. Great way to waste my time. Boring. Listened to music.
Watched The Incredibles.
We went to my grandparents to celebrate my grandfather and great grandmothers birthdays. We ate a lot of cake. Black forest and classic vanilla with icing flowers.
Went home.

Later I went on a bike ride. I wanted to go to the river but instead I stopped by the creek that runs nearby my house. I'd never been to that part. It was in this grassy ditch. Road on one side, condominiums on the other. There's a big tunnel at the end, leading under the road. You have to climb down to get to the water. Landing on muddy sand and tiny pebbles and rocks. The whole stream bed is covered in tiny stones, that massage your feet when you walk in it. The water bubbles over the rocks, and you can hear it singing.
I took my shoes off and wandered around, making awkward tracks in the mud. It was under 50 degrees and the mud was way colder, the water was freezing as well. It was worth it. I felt like I was in a entirely different place. Picturesque and peaceful, even the sounds of passing cars was calming. That place has become my little world, and I'll probably be going there a lot now, to escape one realistic unreality to another. From A2 to Wonderland.

The color of the sky: Picture like. With the background outside my window it looked like a faded old color picture. The sky was a perry winkle blue, but a bit drained in color. Not many clouds, but the ones that hung in the sky were like gauze, thin.

Day 10

Saturday. Was basically a tired blur. Which involved going to school, writing a song, and eating a LOT of pizza.

Since I don't remember much of it I'll tell you about the things I forgot to write down about friday.
A butterfly landed on my dress. Actually it was more blown by the wind, and managed to catch on to me. I picked it up in my hand, it's wings shivered from the breeze. It was a pretty common painted lady butterfly (at least I think that's what it's called) but it looked so beautiful. Delicate wings, an outer layer of dusty brown while underneath the top wings there were bright colors, red, orange, pink. I never really thought of them a so beautiful. I always liked butterfly's and thought they were pretty but I never realised how special and simply beautiful they are.

The color of the sky: Light blue mixed with a darker more constant color. The horizon seemed to maintain a vaguely orangeish yellow through out the day. A few slow moving puffy white clouds.

Day 9

Friday.

I spent my lunch eating cake while curled up under a tree reading.

6th block, my class with Jess, I spaced out so much I didn't hear a word of what was going on in class. Instead I drew him the entire hour. My two drawing turned out really really well, especially due to the fact that I was using a .9 pencil. I wonder if he notices when I draw him, cause he stayed in the basically the same position making my life easier.

7th block was fun. I also drew this Alice in Wonderland drawing which the characters were based on me and my friends. Maybe I'll post it when I'm done.

The whole family went to the opera. Drove to Detroit, to see the Pearl Fisher. I love Detroit, especially Greek town and the area around the Opera House. The first time I went I was 4, my dad took me to see Carmen, and I've been in love with the opera house, opera and theater ever since.
The Pearl Fisher was interesting. Not my favorite but good. Some of the arias were beautiful. I was surprised that it was in french (I understood some!). We got back late.
I wore my pretty red dress that my grandma just finished adjusting. It's tight at the top and at the waist and then it goes out. There's ruffles at the bottom. And it is sooooo pretty!!!

The color of the sky: It was a warm light blue. With scattered fluff white clouds in the middle of the sky, slowly disappearing into non existence on the horizon. 

Day 8: Looking to Tomorrow

I played soccer with the guys again!!!! It was so much fun! I was smiling the entire time. My team was me, Ryan and Chris (the annoying kid that maybe has a crush on me) against well everyone else. We lost, but it was still fun.

I wonder what people think when they see me in the halls. A petite girl with childish messy curls smiling like an idiot because the guy she likes looked at her, absorbed in her own little world.

Everything was going so well. But after lunch... It felt unreal. Like stumbling half awake through a drunken daydream. I didn't pay attention in history, didn't bother. I just spaced out and doodled all over my makeshift homework. The whole time everything felt slow, lethargic, words slurred together, altogether the taste of overly sweet syrup.

I wished on a danylion, that all the seeds I wished on will grow so that more dreams can come true.

My mom yelled a lot at me today. I ignored most of it. But it consisted a lot of "You lied to me! You didn't do your home work!!!" My god. Life doesn't revolve around fucking homework. There are much more important things to life. None that I can logically list at the moment but there are. My life isn't yours... figure that out will you?

Sunflowers, flowers that look up to the sky.

Sometimes I feel like no matter how bad today was, tomorrow will be better. I'll get to talk to stupid idiots (Chris), and smart ones (my friend Nick), my friends (Emi!!!!) and random people. I'll get to see Jess (that's his name). I'll get to listen to my ipod, go to 7th block and laugh. I'll get to draw, play soccer, and live. Tomorrow will definitely be better!


The color of the sky: A serene darker blue with flashes of bright blue in between the oddly colored rain clouds. The rest of the sky was a summer day at the Top of the Park. Hinting at rain but never close enough to threaten thunder. 

Day 7: London in the distance

Why does it seem like that every time I read a manga that has main characters my age, it reflects my life. Exactly what is going on. Maybe not the same place or time, but the conversations, the actions and feelings are the same.

School was school. And I've been working on a drawing. It's actually a series of little drawings put together in one picture, "Our Messedup Lives", about me and two of my friends lives. We're all in 7th block together and we always do the funniest things. It's fun to draw.

The guys invited me to play soccer with them. It was nice, even though I didn't do that good. I feel like I'm slowly being accepted as one of them.

All day now I've been craving mexican food. I haven't had any yet...

I'm really into Skillet at the moment. The album Awake is really good.

The color of the sky: The sky was blue. The color of a cool day, hinting of rain. A light blue with the tiniest hint of perry winkle. A thin veil of white almost invisible clouds was draped across the sky. On the horizon you could see the dusty smog and rainy skied 19th century London, shrouded in it's grey clouds.

Day 6

I wonder what kind of a world I live in. High school seems like it's own category. Actually my whole life has seemed like it's own little world, compile of my friends and peers, and sometimes teacher (not really). But now that we're in high school I wonder, are we classified as the world of adults? It seems rather similar. Drugs are used, bets are made, pregnancy, sex all around! work, technology, driving cars, going places, getting killed... everything that happens there, in the world of adults, happens here. But we're so often referred to as children, "teenagers", not adults.
This society of ours, our high school lives, what are they? Reality contained in a brick building? Who are we?

Out of all my classes gym was the most interesting. But first I should explain about this boy in my class. He plays soccer as well (he's not as good as me!) and he always talks about it. And he noticed me wearing a jersey one day and he started teasing me and occasionally saying something nice.
He never tries during gym and I think he's really annoying. Stuck up, douche bag (the other meaning to this word is strange... haha!), and idiot to put it simple. But he's also pretty sweet when you get to know him (or so I hear...I have very little experience with this side of him).
Well today I got none of the usual teasing and remarks about my soccer team (Ukraine!) instead a received several winks and a kiss blown to me. So I'm not sure what to think. Or do for that matter. He does not have a girlfriend.
Am I over thinking this?

Later, I had 6th block. Which includes, history and the guy I like. Well we had a test but after and before this he looked at me several times. Also before class in the hall we ran into each other, and he kept looking at mee!
I suppose I sound like a love struck little girl, who's absolutely giddy in love with every little detail of her prince charming. Maybe I am. Dunno.

I had a soccer game after school and I vented out all my random and uncertain feelings about people. It was a great game! We won 6 to 3. I had some great assists and break aways, also 3 runs that should have been goals...oh well I'll do better next time!

If you count the weekend and friday it should be day 9...oh well.

The color of the sky: For the most part it was a clear autumn sky. An in between blue with a touch of grey. White tinted grey clouds, the big puffy kind that are pushed across the sky with a cold breeze. The evening sky was once again a pale night gown pink. Streaked with reds and golden orange blending into the dark blue black night sky.

Day...oops, I lost track.

Today is a monday. But it was still fun!
I scared my best friends admirer. He thinks I am soooo weird. Classes went by fairly quickly, as usual nothing interesting, until 7th block.
I got really hungry by that time, since I'd only eaten a piece of bread an a cookie all day. So my friend and I walked to the store to get some food. We talked about the guy she liked, who she accidentally followed to her class today. We have a lot in common with the guys we like and they have a lot in common with each other.
Our excuse that we were late to class was that I was anorexic and needed moral support when buying food. Which is not true, I eat so much in that class (I always get hungry then. Maybe I should start eating at lunch instead of 7th block...)

I found a picture of him (my love). He plays the trumpet, I think...

After school and theater I took a walk with my friend. We laid down on the sidewalk and stared at the sky. We laughed so much. About the most nonsensical things.

It rained a bit today and there's a forecast for more rain and thunderstorms and maybe snow.
I like rainy days the best. For a few reasons, the sky, it makes for the best memories, the air always smells nice, and the rain falling from the sky.
I also like snow. In general. It's all soft and white, puffy, pure. It always makes me happy. Maybe it's because we didn't get much snow this year that I miss it and love it so much more now. Hope it snows tomorrow! (or rains!)

The color of the sky: it changed a lot today. From a light blue covered in endless grey paper clouds, to fast moving satin pink clouds on a purple blue sky that fused into a horizon of grey splotches and golden touched with orange sky. It was very pretty in the evening.

(This should actually be day 5, or day 7 since I mushed my weekend into 1 post...oh well)

Weekend Recap!

Weekend Recap! My teacher use to say that. Well she still does, I'm just not in her class anymore. That was last semester.

Today is Monday and I didn't write anything all weekend and Friday, so here goes!

Friday wasn't very interesting. Everyone I normally talk to was gone. And it was a rather boring friday.

Saturday on the other hand was incredibly fun. First thing in the morning I went to my friends Regatta. Crew. It was pouring  rain and cold, and I wore flip flops. I also walked about 4 miles to get to the tents. It wasn't the most pleasant experience but it wasn't horrible. It was all quiet. Occasionally I could hear the train in the distance, or the cars on the high way, the birds on occasion, but nothing else. The sky was grey, and the color of a memory. A happy one, set on a rainy day, on an empty street...

I sang a lot of nonsense songs I made up on the spot, some weren't too bad. 

Once I got there I had to sneak in. I saw a lot of people and it was fun. My friends were happy I made it. And I was happy that I didn't catch hypothermia! 

Later I went to a party. My friends 16th birthday. When I got there everyone had separated off into their little groups. Mine painted on each other with glow-in-the-dark paint and hair spray. Played 10 fingers, and truth or dare. Then everyone came down (to the basement where we were) to play spin the bottle. A pretty typical teenage party. I went home at 12. Feeling kinda guilty for kissing other people while I like someone...should I?

This recap has really been all about my life. I don't really think on weekends. It's my off time. 

Sunday I don't remember much of. I was incredibly tired from the night before. So I spent the day weeding dandylions. Somewhere between 2 and 5 hours. 2,500 danylion heads. I took several naps in that time period. Afterwards my fingers were all covered in blisters. 

I saw the hunger games at 6:30. And it did not live up to my expectations. In fact it was pretty bad. I like the books better. A lot better.

Then I went to sleep. And hoped tomorrow I wouldn't forget my homework. And hoped it would be a good day (It was).

The color of the sky: 

saturday: almost invisible, hidden behind pale blue/grey clouds faded almost to white, yet still maintaining a solid color. The color of a memory, worn and disappearing but still vivid enough to remember it. 

sunday: splothces of dark but faded blue. Dissapearing into pale blue and eire glow-in-the-dark green clouds. The horrizon covered in drained pink clouds that somehow matched the entire picture. As the day moved on it became a mix of white/grey clouds the blue sky shinning through in places. 

The 12:00 sky was a summer blue with a few slow moving storm clouds. The sun shone through and it was surprisingly warm and nice.

Day 4 (Happy Day)

Today seemed almost perfect. Except for the biology test which I failed, it went really well.
French we just went over vocabulary. Gym we walked. Lunch was well...interesting. This guy that I am friends with, and I think likes me, gave me a flower and we talked for a while. History I drew people in the class, and we watched a movie.
Soccer was fun. We spent a good 45 minutes laughing. Haven't laughed so long in forever! And now I don't have homework so I'm happily updating my bog.
Oh and the guy I like looked at me today, several times.

It was one of those days that you wonder if anything could be more perfect.

Tomorrow it's going to be warm again! High of 63 degrees!

Wishes on dandelions.

Almost done with Mockingjay and I'm painting!! Yay!
Everything seems to be going well compared to monday. Hope this keeps up till tomorrow!!!! And longer!!!

The color of the sky: It was out of a online fantasy rpg game. Perfect blue sky with white clouds shaped to perfection. Spreading out into eternity.

Day 3

Do you eve wonder what other people are doing. Just in that moment. When your brushing your teeth or laying there in bed. What is your best friend, your teacher, your love, that one kid in class, are doing at that very moment?

Days seem to be flying by. Every day seems to get more boring but the more useless they get the faster they go. And soon I'll have nothing left. On June 15 everything will end and then start again. 9 weeks...


Today I got on the computer and found that my friend had forgotten to sign off. She'd been using it for some homework earlier today. She had google docs open. So I read some stories before logging off.
I really just want to hug her. She's always so cheerful and hyper. She doesn't seem like the kind of person to have any problems, but her family does. I suppose she's complained before, but that paper...
I wonder if that's why she's so happy all the time. Trying to forget about that.

The Potsdam Declaration.
What is evil? WW2.

"Time will tell if all your love has died" Broke Hearst and Torn Up Letters, The Story of a Lonely Girl, Lostprohets. How much time? How can you tell. How do you know if it's even love?


The color of the sky: Today the sky was filled with grey clouds that looked as if I had painted them with acrylics. The glimpses of the sky were a lighter, not light baby blue but lighter blue. With maybe just a touch of lavender. 

Day 2

I finished watching "Never Let Me Go" the book is amazing, as was the movie. I cried, again. It made me wonder though, they had a purpose to their lives, what's ours, as humans? As an entire race not individuals.

Today it snowed. First on the bus it snowed cherry blossoms. Then it really snowed. I watched it through the window all of class.

Melrose Rd.

It was really quiet. No one was home but me, and I don't know where my family went. Both the cars were gone.
They came back.

I have a french test to study for.

Today in bio, we had to look at dissected animal hearts. And human lungs. It was disgusting. I thought I was going to be sick. Why do they bother to show us that? I'm not going to be a doctor, why should I care? Why do we bother with all these things we will never need to know?
I'm not complaining about school, it's really not too bad. I get to see and talk to people, draw, sleep. But the classes that are mandatory are so useless.

The color of the sky: It was cloudy all day. At first they were big puffy clouds that covered the sky. A mix of marshmellow's and cotton balls in some places like cotton candy. They were a whitish grey. They later turned darker grey, the color of rain clouds, but not quite. They got less puffy and more like little matted pieces of cotton and didn't take up as much space, although you still couldn't really see the sky.
The one time I did see it, the sky was a light blue, mixed with a pale violet indigo. Fading out to a light periwinkle. 

Introduction

Hello.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Sky. I live in a small city, that is "surrounded by reality". It's a strange place.
I'm a freshman in high school. A 15 year old artist and in love (my version of love).
The purpose of this bog really is to write down all these random thoughts and idea. Bit's and pieces of my life. And the color of the sky.
The color of the sky because it's always a different color and I like the sky. It's so beautiful and close to the stars.
And I suppose I'll try to update it everyday.
And by the way, I'm not really depressing. Today was just a sad boring day, that's all!

Day 1

I read in a book about this place, where all the things you've ever lost reappear.
Well if you live in that place where do you look for all the things you've lost?

School began again today, after spring break. It was a sad day. Nothing happened. The guy I like didn't even look at me today and classes were boring.

While taking the city bus it felt like the steady rhythm of the bus was my heart beat.

The color of the sky: light blue with a thin sheet of mist, fading out at the edges to a pale blue, almost white.
There were clouds. Puffy white ones.