take me to the movies on a winter day

The hurricane hit. Well in a sense. Really bad winds, we got something along the lines of hail and sleet I spent all my classes wishing it was snow, with no luck.
Didn't see Chris at all. But I ran into Jess, I think he's avoiding me. That might be smart on his part. I keep telling people about Chris, I'd be surprised if he didn't know that I like him.
6th hour we had a sub. And Dakota was sober again. I'm actually feeling proud of him.

Oh I spent lunch outside by myself. I honestly just didn't want to deal with people as much as I love most of them. It was like last winter. I never though of this before, but I never really minded being alone I don't think I ever really wanted someone to come by and say hi or start a conversation.

Michelle and I went downtown to put up yard signs. That was fun and we got a bunch of food! Ice cream, cup cakes, tea, soda, cinnamon role, bagel. There are now a bunch of pirate flags hanging up around downtown.

The color of the sky: Cream soda flavored, as your sitting in a cafe looking out the window at the stormy sky. The grey shades are contrasted with the colorful umbrella's that appear. And you don't mind the weather, it'll give you a chance to relax, enjoy the refreshment you have bought. Then later the melody of rain drops on the roof of your lovers house will submerge you into a peaceful dream.

"see heaven's got a plan for you" p.s i'm an atheist

The internet has been down. But now it's back!!!
Tech week has officially started. And it just a way for me to stay away from home, avoid my family and wander around school at night.
We had a bunch of mini adventures today. 1. Michelle and I snuck into the big theatre, climbed up on the scaffolding and sat there conversing about love while listening to a piano violin duet. It was really cool. The colors were faded, cause the lights were blue, orange and white. It looked like a movie. Through the curtains we could see the grand piano, and the duo half hidden behind the massive contraption. The music was beautiful.
2. Dan, Michelle and I followed Mathew to the bathroom. We stood outside singing songs, apparently serenading him. I swear he was hiding from us. It was really funny. And apparently she sounds like Rhianna and I sound like Taylor Swift (people tell me that a lot, and ask me why I'm not in choir. Cause my voice tends to die a lot).
3. Walking around the school building looking for the vending machines.
I actually did do my homework, I'm done with math for the next TWO days!!! Bam!

Weekend. It really sucked. My parents got pissed that I wasn't doing my homework and slacking off. And I got mad and it ended in tears and slamming doors. Also this guy that was suppose to email me about the posters didn't. And I called him like 20 times. Really really stressful stuff. To sum it up it was spent crying.

And today I almost cried again.
For starters I did not want to go to school at all. I was late to 1st hour, again. 2nd hour was funny did you know omphaloskepsis  is contemplation of one's navel as an aid to meditation. Right before 3rd hour, passing time I walked past Chris. We made eye contact and in that moment I was contemplating, smile, wave, say hi? Well...he winked at me. I was smiling so much. I seriously though I was going to cry. I almost did. 

3rd hour, boring. 4th, sub. 5th reading. 6th, math and 7th hour homework. 7th hour...meh. 

After 7th hour I went downstairs to see if I could buy some food. I was starving all I'd eaten in the last 24+ hours was a waffle and a peppermint. Fumbling around in my backpack pockets I found myself 10 cents short of any food. Ready to admit defeat I see Chris walking out from the Athletic hall way, making funny gestures trying to act black will all his so called swag (and shit), finally he waved and stretched his arms out for a hug. 
I took it. For one moment it felt as if we'd gone back to before yesterday to a time that this was our every day ritual. "Hey, wassup. So do you have 10 cents?"
"Nope. I'm broke."
"I'm hungry."
"Me too."
"What are you still doing here?" (He doesn't have a 7th hour).
"Hm. I dunno. I need a ride home. Maybe I'll take the city bus."
"You don't have any money..." He ran off, there wasn't much of an actual good-by but in that moment I swear I was so happy, I think I really did almost start crying. I walked to theatre hands over my mouth for some reason hiding my smile, ready to wipe away tears of pure joy. 

The color of the sky: It looked like snow. Snow that falls on the side walk in front of school. Pure and white, then as the foot prints imprint their patterns in the snow a grey dirtied color. But still beautiful, how could snow not be?

Headaches and heartbreaks

Today feels like it's been forever. The day just dragged on. The headache started around lunch. 

Half way through the day I realised for the millionth time since school started how many people truly love me for who I am. And the day got better (minus the head aches). 

You have to love yourself and your life before you can love someone else, or something like that.

I guess I can wait (does the fact that we might never get together mean that I don't love you?).

People kissing in the stairwell. Huddled into a corner, I couldn't see the girls face. The boy was tall, bleach blond hair, and a black leather jacket that looked like Ren's (Nana, manga), baggy dark blue jeans. She was wearing black shoes, heels. That intertwined with his clumsy nike's. Skipping class but who cared?

Stressed out cause this guy won't call me back or email me bout the posters! Maybe that's why I had a headache.

I saw Jess today. His face rather than it's usual composed state seemed pretty irritated, actually mad. And, since he was looking at me I couldn't help but feel that it was somehow my fault in the slightest. But his expression made me smile. Walking away from me he looked smaller, more fragile. And now that I think about it everyone important looked that way today. Maybe it was just my imagination.

It smells like Christmas here. Probably cause my mom was cooking for her book club. Or maybe it's the perfume she only wears for important engagements, or the smell of an unusually clean house. Whatever it was I just wished it was snowing outside.

The color of the sky: Grey and lonely like a cold wind across the tree line. Utter silence. Nothing is heard, only the wind. That was the color today. But it was noisy, ever car that passed by shattered the silence. I just wanted to yell, shut up! I don't want to hear anything, not right now...

Painted nails tie me to the earth while I wait for true love

I was standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the private apartments that happen to be my short cut. There's a small park and for a while I just stood there wondering whether to go swing or not, contemplating an even bigger concept of do you go do what you want or follow the path straight to your goal. It only takes a split second to decide. Somehow I found myself walking towards the swings.
Backpack off, the shoes were the next thing to go. Slipping my ipod into my bra I started swinging. Higher, higher. No one was there. The silence was consuming, as if that was all that was left in the world. Then I jumped. Maybe it was for the thrill, or cause I wanted to fly. As I let go of the swing I could see my shadow in front of me, lurching forward, propelled by some outside force. My body hit the ground hard, for a second I though I really could die. Instead I just lay there, looking up at the sky wondering why I was doing this. Thinking this must look so stupid, and why am I not high, cause then it would totally make sense. I'm going crazy, the idea slipped into my mind, yeah maybe.
I mean what other person sees the world in the pictures that no one will ever take. When I see the guy I like (for example) kissing another girl all I can think is damn that looks so pretty. What's wrong with me? I don't think I'm going to soccer again.

I just ate a banana and my stomach hurts so much now.

Jess didn't die. I saw him today. Wearing his green sweat shirt thing.

We had a sub in 7th hour so our group started talking about sex. Actually Emily brought it up. We made a list of places we would want to do it. It was a great conversation, just one of those that is funny makes you think kinda, and is a fantasy. We all had different points of view. Premarital sex, sex after marriage, sex with a boyfriend, 1 night stands, monks. It made my head ache go away for a while. And Ivanovich got us chocolate. 90%.

Lunch we just sat there. Emi, Krystal, Jini, Aron, Tammy, Olga and me. Talking, braiding hair, listening to music. Waiting till the very last minute to go to class.

The color of the sky: Light blue that faded out like old paper at the edges. The only wrinkles were a few white clouds. The heat made the whole thing seem surreal.

There's only one pair of shoes at the house at the edge of the world now.

I guess I forgot to post this...this is yesterday the 25th I think...

Fingertips that smell like purfume

Burning scented candles in my room. I wish I could burn something else like my math homework.
Mom, leave me alone for christs sake! I'm not going to the homework if I know I'm not gonna get the credit. She fucking pisses me off. This is MY life so I'll do what I want thank you very much.
I locked myself in my room for most of the evening eating only french fries. And when I say I'm not hungry it means I'm not hungry, aka I don't want any food, so don't make me any, and don't ask me 10 more times!

I spent about an hour talking with Michelle and Steph. Michelle was sitting on my lap while we chatted about guys and relationships. I can still smell her on my clothes, it's so relaxing.

Today was...ehh. Didn't do anything except math. Stupid fucking math test. I though I was going to die. It was so hot in that room, and my head hurt which didn't help the thinking process. And I didn't know the answer to anything without actually having to think. It sucked. So I bought myself a coke afterwards.

The color of the sky: A lighter blue, more like a sober spring day before finals than a carefree fall day.
This morning there was fog. It rose out of every corner of the town. Pilling up like snow, obscuring the miserable view. Tree tops were all I could see through the thick clouds. It was almost like the school was protected by it, or maybe it was trapping us in. I stood there looking at if for a moment, and I was late to class again.

I feel like this post has the smell of candles attached to it. Carries the feeling of the end of a hard day somehow carefree. Makes you want to listen to a punk rock band while wishing it was summer or raining outside, or both. Maybe it's just me.

When you have nothing to live for do you just die (where did all the good things go)?

Am I going crazy? I think it's just a phase it'll pass in a week or so. It started yesterday when I noticed something was just wrong. When I got home after school I changed and just sat there, doing absolutely nothing. I wanted to clean and my room isn't that big of a mess. But every time I tried to start I couldn't.  Each paper contains something, important of a memory. And when I start looking though it I get stuck on them reading, hanging on to every word, remembering. I just can't clean it.

Then today it really hit me. First it was the smell in the hallway, the smell of rain. It made me think of all the things in my life. The messes I've made, all those responsibilities, all that shit that we call life. On top of that being all alone. It was suffocating. The next things I know I'm thinking why am I not talking to Chris. I should be. I should have just talked to him instead of waiting. What am I doing now? Why is everything like this? It's all my fault what the hell. 

I just want to yell or better yet paint or talk to Chris. I can't keep this all inside it just doesn't work.

Do I have depression or withdrawal or something?

I walked past Chris #2 in the halls. It was totally unexpected. I haven't seen him since the week before homecoming and that seems like a lifetime ago. At that moment I though he reached out as if to catch my hand. Maybe it was just my imagination, although it made me wonder if he still liked me. 

Dakota's on fb right now telling me I'm cute. Well ain't that something. He's probably high. We have an interesting friendship.

Today while waiting for my mom Michelle and me followed Mathew around. Talking, hugging running around. She throws out several times, Mathew you guys would be so cute, go date her. We totally evaded the subject, side stepped around it. It was funny. I love those two. They make the bad days bearable. Mathew has an interesting relationship with his brother. It's so subtle but you can immediately see the change in Mathews face when they talk. It's like he's trying to tolerate him but he doesn't like him at all. Apparently I'm the only one that notices.

Jess died. I haven't seen him in two days. What would I do if he OD-ed? I still can't stop drawing him, most of my characters end up looking like him, his face, hair, clothes. I'm never gonna forget him, am I.

The color of the sky: It was clear like the other days with a sight patchwork of grey and white clouds. Dispersing after a light rain. 

Yesterday I left everyone and went outside. I found a new corner. This one is surrounded by window where I can see myself reflected back at me. It's small and out there, most people don't even bother going that way since it's far out. I sat there doing nothing. The air was refreshing and sounds carried on the soft blowing wind but there was nothing to be heard. Sitting there everything seemed so calm, nothing to worry about. I could almost have said that I could just die.

A day of what ifs

What if I just quit soccer. Learned how to dance. Stopped living life on a computer. Bought a record player. Dyed my hair, and stopped spending money on useless things. What if I stopped procrastinating and caring at the same time. If I cleaned my room and never spent any time there. Changed who I am without turning into someone else. Is that even possible?

Never mind I like soccer. The feeling of being beautiful and somehow able to achieve something even though it's only an perfect athletic form.

Emi and I took pictures today. It was getting dark but we got some really good ones! And we finally posted some more stuff on istagram. I really need to get an ipod touch so I can get my own instagram, I'm addicted to followgram already. I love taking pictures but sometimes I wish we could get a really good picture of me instead of just Emi. That's what you get for being behind a camera huh. The sun was setting and it looked like perfect. Everything else in the world just disappeared.

Emi gave me a shirt she never wears. It's pink and frilly. Perfect for a summer date and jeans. I tried it on and I though I was looking at a manga. It was so perfect. But I don't have a boyfriend, oh well. And it goes with my pink with black polka dot bow! Pretty in pink.

Live every moment

The color of the sky: There were so many sunsets today. The first was golden, bathing the world in the precious metallic but warm glow. Then it became a light blue with swirling lavender and rosemary clouds. Next was the pastel colors forming a rainbow pink, orange, gold, blue and various purples. All blended into a continuous spectrum of color. After this phase the sky began to burn. Orange, reds blared on the horizon. A light yellow afterglow trailed long after the sun had set. The street lights were lit. And I wished it was summer again.

You know there's so many of us out there...

Dressed in black and white we attended, crying over our own stories that had been touched that night

We finally went to go see it. Emi and I. The Perks of Being A Wallflower. It was incredible. Nothing like we imagined it to be. Likeness to the book was amazing.
We dressed up, like we were going to a party. Short black dresses, boots (combats for Emi, high heeled for me), leggings, me a white scarf and headband, her a black bag and necklace. We sat on the floor of her room putting on make up. It was as if we were going to homecoming, ready to have the time of our lives.
I cried. Well almost. I though I would. "We accept the love we think we deserve"...

The rest of the day sucked. PSAT testing. School. Bad food. Although we did get sushi for dinner.
I made a new list: Things I will do when there is no one there to tell me likewise: wake up early and drive; take long walks at night in small towns; go to the movies at midnight weeks after the movie has opened; get coffee really early in the morning; go to a dance and actually dance with someone; get drunk and sit looking up at the stars all night long. There more somewhere but it's late.

The color of the sky: It wasn't quite black, instead it was a dark blue sprinkled with the slightest glitter of stars shining thought the patches between falling leaves. It was a moment between time. Between the party and the preparation. Walking there feeling lost, it's that perfect place between beauty and lust where we just loose ourselves. Moments that come without notice and pass us by in the same way. Eternity, infinity, those things were all written in the sky tonight.

we are only human

...and in that moment, I swear we were infinite.

The first petal to fall...

Midnight in Paris. I do not see how that movie is so great but it was nice to watch. The end was a nice ending. Something about the way it was filmed just was eh ok.

Time seems to be slowing down. Like there's too much of it. 8 minute passing time seems to last hours. A few seconds of conversation lasts minutes, one exchanged look lasts 10 times more than the standard 2 second glance. Everything's messed up. Maybe I'm going crazy or something. I think I just need to move to France or something.

I went to a classmates house to do stuff for Ukrainian school. We got a lot done, but afterwards my mom was running late picking me us so we played video games. Mortal combat is frikking addicting. Me and him and his older sister played for 30 minutes. It was fun! Too bad my parents would never let us buy it. I guess I'll just have to go over there more often.

Picture this. A guy with almost curly pitch black hair, so dark that you can clearly call it black not dark brown or any of that sorts. He walks in, almost too carefree for the studious atmosphere. A black button up jacket, covers up the modern short sleeved t-shirt he's undoubtedly wearing. In his hand he holds a bag of popcorn that adds to his lightened mood. If it wasn't for the fact that we were in a class room I would call him a revere from the night circus. The red scarf peeking out of the jacket. I smile, wishing I had my camera.

The color of the sky: A greying blue. Ageing as the clouds rolled in. Bearing the name of cold rain, if only it was snow. It came with a feeling of loneliness. The kind that doesn't have a remedy, only time and solitude can break it.

So I spent my lunch in a corner stairway outside. You can see the soccer fields so well, and no one know you're there.

The little things give us away

I really need to start actually doing homework. I swear I have done so little in the past week and I think I'm still passing most of my classes. It's only the test that throw me off. I just don't want to do it. I did the same thing last year too...
So is school for social life and yolo stuff or is it actually there so we can learn something. But life lessons that they say we should be taught aren't those the ones where we go out make mistakes get drunk? Another contradiction.
Then again what would we all be doing if there wasn't school?

I think I'm moving on from Chris. I mean it's not gonna happen. I wish but whatevs. Michelle wants me to find true love so that she can experience my happiness. God she is weird but then again so am I. I love her. So plan 9f, or something like that, is get my a boyfriend. That's the part of school I love.

My mom and I started watching Midnight In Paris. It's ok so far, I though it would be better... the rhinoceros part was really funny though. We were both laughing.

I really want to take some pictures before the leaves all fall away.

The color of the sky: Dark horizon, closing in with grey clouds. Intimidating, scaring off the light of day. Compressing the sky, filling it with a smoky haze of clouds. On the other end, the sun is fleeing, leaving behind a trail of purple intertwined with gold lining.
Another sun set.

Little things, that no one notices, that I draw, they give us all away. All the things we don't want to see, or know. But one can never know everything.

A single rose for the little prince

The weather right now is really weird. "The tides are changing" or whatever that guy says in Merry Poppins. The wind is bending trees and the leaves are whipping down in scattered showers an instant death instead of their usual slow beautiful retirement. The sky is also weird. Clouds everywhere but some parts are black others white illuminating patches of the side walk. Now it's raining...

Dakota and I are friends, actually we are slowly becoming an odd couple, partners in crime. We talked for 30 minutes straight today. He's an interesting guy. Druggie, slacker, young for a junior, and other. We get along and it makes me happy. Things are sorta looking up.

Emi and I are going to have the best Halloween ever! Costumes, trick or treating, ghosts, haunted houses everything! Can't wait!

Walked my youngest brother to school today, and I got to see all my un-retired old teachers.
I skipped the class meeting with Emi today. We went to the apartments across from school and lay there doing homework and taking pictures. Sunny, warm, carefree. It was nice since we haven't talked in a while. She's been sick I've been busy. It was fun.

The color of the sky: Summer blue. Perfect. Happy. All good things. You could clearly see airplanes without a vapor trail in the sky.

I picked a rose. It's pink and yellow, the colors interchanging and blending. It smells like my great grandma's old garden. She had so many roses. They didn't survive the move to her new house...

asshole how can I not like you when I hate you?

I've been having a lot of deja-vu moments recently. A lot more than usual, it's kinda weird.

I finally finished the poster! It felt so gratifying to be able to send it to our theatre director. I'm doooooone, only to begin programs tomorrow.

I'm writing an crazy totally nonsensical short story for my class. I found an old paper about a person who is waiting in a waiting room and there's no one else there and they can't figure out why they're there. Then weird things start happening. It's really weird and awesome! Although I think my teacher will hate me after reading it. Just a premonition.

We began our string quartet practices today. Me, Ivanovich and this kid, who's name escapes me at the moment. We went downtown and got pudding first. I'm using this old old cello that's slowly falling apart. I need to name it...(according to Ivanovich). This other guy kinda sucks but he's interesting. Oddly enough he's a freshman, with hungarian heritage. We did pretty good for our first practice. Playing the cello again with other people feels almost like a relief, and I really enjoy it. Maybe I can get a chance to play the piano tomorrow!
We have a late start.

I made a bet with Dakota that I will wear a different pair of shoes everyday. He's kinda become obsessed with my boots (my 3 pairs) and he's a cool guy. Though according to Chloe (from gym class) he's abusive...she's kinda obsessed with him though.

Waiting for my mom today, the sun was setting casting golden light over the soccer fields and all the colorful trees everywhere. I just stood there. Not looking at anything, just wishing the soccer team was there, or better yet we had gym class, our old class and we were out there playing soccer. I really miss that and I just want to tell Chris that and everyone else that. God I miss you guys I really really do.

The color of the sky: Blue. The absence of everything else made it stand out so much. Brighter. The leaves that fell in slow motion towards their certain death highlighted by the sky.

3rd hour, set in the underground class room that Tony had. Talking, always sitting in the same seats. What could be called sexual harassment and verbal jousting about God. Upstairs in the dome gym, running laps, orange shoes, Chris's hand around my shoulders, practical jokes, volleyball soccer. Sweden v Ukraine. Baby, Poochie pie, gurl. Hugs. Outside on the lower soccer fields. Playing soccer, bad shots on goal, no rules, no shirts. White v black + russian v asian + ukrainian. Year books, love, email.
Asshole.

Oct. 16 is a day for red shoes and jeans

Instead of seeing the empty morning streets filled with dew, I see the empty face book page, littered with yesterdays stories and a few morning stragglers and those like me who are just there to see some beauty in this senseless world.

I though I was going to faint today during 7th hour. I was sleep deprived and I had had almost no food all day and I was overworked. It sucked. Now I get home and all I do is work on the posters. It's so addicting though! Getting to discover all these new things. And I got to eat rice crispie's with strawberries because of it!!!!

Today...I wore high heels to school and it was fun. They made a typical click clack sound and I got to hear it all day echoing though the empty hallways as I skipped (parts of) class doing various things.
My history teacher is really really pissing me off. So since when don't we need taxes? And who pays you? Hmmm? The government which gets it's money from where? I spaced out the rest of class. His character really bugs me too...it's not who he pretends to be.

The color of the sky: A comfortingly cloudy day, black and dark grey patches of fluff. I didn't mind the darkness, it seemed warm and friendly. Making me want to curl up in a corner and read as the invisible rain fell. I wish it had rained. But the dark clouds slowly passed us by.

I don't think anything too bad happened today actually...

1 night 1 more time

I'm so tired right now I can barely think.
Today was lovely. Driving to Detroit everything was falling into the image of a perfect fall day. White cloudy sky, everything looked clear. Leaves were falling slowly in perfect motion. All those bright colors, and the black car in front of us, all this looked like something out of a book. The Codex, driving to the estate to find the missing book....

Life seems to be collecting horrible things this week. All building up to the 20th. I don't know why that day but something, or rather everything is gonna happen then. There was a huge fight after the foot ball game friday night. Kids went to the hospital. My dad ran over a dog today, there was nothing he could do, it just happened. And the movie yesterday... I wonder what will happen tomorrow...

I've been working on posters all weekend....
Ok things are starting to blur so good night.

The color of the sky: Clear and white but cloudy. It's hard to describe... Clouds that were grey but white, the wind was perfect curving the movement of leaves descending downward.

The internet is it it's own world or just something on a screen?

Rain falling outside, hear the simple sound through the hum of the computer. With one click in turns off, a moment of silence then rain.

Had a blast last night. 10 of us, from theatre and Larissa were going to see a play. But we missed it while eating at Denny's. So instead we went to Zap Zone and to the movies to see Pitch Perfect. It was so much fun. I played laser tag in high heeled boots. To get there 5 of us had to cram into Steph's car. I ended up sitting on the floor, Dan didn't bother putting on a seat belt since it was so tight in the back, and we sped along the high way like that singing pop songs. 

Yesterday I was going to ask Chris out. I didn't. Almost but I didn't. All my family (theatre friends and friends) kept talking to me about it and they told me that they didn't want to see me get hurt. And I didn't ask him. It's hard to really explain it. I could have and I would have been fine, but I feel like I'm betraying everyone else somehow. If he asked me out I think it would be different, but we'll save that conversation for when (if) he (ever) does. So now the process of getting over him begins.

Today, did nothing but work on the poster for the show, a bit of homework and movies. I finished Amalie with my dad. I think it's a pretty good movie. I noticed at the end the coloring. And the way that everything looks kinda yellow, with that glow making it feel all happy and kinda magicalish... completely different from Mysterious Skin which I watched by myself while I was suppose to be doing homework. That is a controversial movie. It's really good, some parts were a bit cheesy and not quite that great and some scenes that I don't think I can ever forget, that were so hard to watch. It is a movie about a, "teenage hustler and a young man obsessed with alien abductions cross paths, together discovering a horrible, liberating truth." Warning don't watch it if you're not prepared for this. I did and it's just hard to watch, that's all...

There's no book format manga here (that I haven't read at least 20 times) and it's really annoying cause I wanna read...

The color of the sky: Distant through the windows. Dark, covered in stars, or were those rain drops on the glass, reflecting the orange glow of the street lamps. Water pouring down the drain pipes with a sort of calm steady movement of inevitable death but the rain is so beautiful...

People always interrupt me when I'm trying to play the piano. 

Terrified not of the words but of the future

I fail. Why is it so hard to tell someone you like them? I mean I shouldn't care about what people think.
Ok figured it out. Even if I get rejected and he tell people all the more reason to be totally anti-social outside of theatre! That would kinda make my life simpler. Then I can walk through the halls holding my head high, pretending I'm a princess. And I'll wear a pretty dress on monday and a pink bow.

Ok I didn't want to do it in front of his parents and he looked so sad. Jv lost their final game 1-0. It was heart breaking, after they were undefeated. Jack was crying, Nick was really pissed, Chris looked really sad too.
I really feel like I'm gonna get rejected and I'm gonna hide and cry like last time. Maybe that's what I'm scared of. Or maybe it's just telling him. I'm scared of the future that's all.

I hate my history class. What the hell. It's so stupid. This guy has no clue how to teach! He blabbers on about Anthony "dating" Cleopatra and shit like that. Babbling on about these little twitters he calls "history". BS. Stuuuuupidddd.

Love problems. Dan was talking to us, how his girlfriend cheated on him. It was so sad, he's such a sweet guy. I'm gonna miss him. Michelle has her Drew problems. Ksenia still likes Ben, we were talking about this stuff for hours today on FB. It was fun. I love having civilized conversations with fancy words and complex insolvable questions. God I miss her.

The color of the sky: A white ocean of slow flowing water. Cold, but refreshing, that tastes as sweet as a summer dream. There's an island in the distance, of light purple sand of the finest quality. That island streatches out as far as you can see, all the way to the edge of the world. Close your eyes and you can hear the ocean waves on the sand, the wind whispering stories. Just listen...

Larissa's coming tomorrow! I can't wait to see her!

A last serenade in perfect movements

I was eating pomegranates and I came across the memory of myself at ballet at age 9 or so. I didn't want to be there. All dressed up in pink and no underwear. I was chewing on a pomegranate seed. One for an hour and a half. I hated it but one seed made it bearable somehow. I would plie and do all the moves, while slowly playing with the seed in my mouth while thinking about things beyond this room or mirrors and bars.

Just finished watching Something Borrowed. I enjoyed it. Good movie to just sit and relate to. It really has a nice ring and moral. That you have to do what you want and you can't wait for luck.

My social suicide plan is becoming something insane. I was thinking about it, since well I don't know if I still like him. We haven't talked in so long... But sitting in the car on the long drive back from Detroit listening to music I came to the conclusion that I need to ask and if this is a mistake I need to make it, on purpose I guess. Does that make sense? Plus this is high school, so whatever (I can't think of any educated conclusion to this paragraph right now).

Perfect movements of this world. The football team was doing jumping jacks and they were in perfect sync. Walking away knowing that I didn't need to look back. Chris slowing down, and a long look. The light steps when your walking down an empty hall with no care in the world. The way people walk tells you so much, only beautiful people to report this time.

The color of the sky: All shades of color between light blue and a harder grey. All different shapes of clouds. It was like...it was perfection in it's least perfect form. What I mean is that it was a 9th grade artistic catastrophe like inconsistent scribbles, or an attempt at a replication of something that isn't good. But at the same time you look at it and it's so beautiful for no apparent reason. It just is! It just is.

Eternity: for all its invisibility, we gaze at it.

People. I know so much about them from watching them and drawing them. In some cases going beyond and doing research. But over all I can pick things up by watching them. Like Jess, where I pick up so much or just in the hallways and what people do. I know these things about people, I memorise them. And why don't they do different things? Why are they so predictable. Are we really as different as we think we are? Are we all individual or universals. As discussed by Renee in the Elegance of a Hedgehog (which I just finished. It has a rather astonishing ending. I almost cried. Good book.) “Do universals exist, or only singular things?”  And Renee answers:  “Every painting by a Dutch master is an incarnation of Beauty, a dazzling apparition that we can only contemplate through the singular, but that opens a tiny window onto eternity and timelessness of a sublime form."
I related beyond compare to this book. More to Renee even than Paloma. It was quite incredible and I recommend it to anyone who is willing to fall slowly into the rhythm of a story that is about the complex questions in life that we can never really grasp though it is there at our fingertips, and one who is ready to wonder.

Thursday is my last good-bye. As far as I am concerned at least.
I decided this today. I ran out of the building. There is this place where people tend to avoid. It's an outdoor stairwell. It has no use, even though it is remote and surrounded on 3 sides it has a security camera. I like it there. It's a wind tunnel of silence. I sit there. It's my little place. Well I ran out there. Standing at the top with the wind blowing back my hair, it's a movie scene, the music interlude is blasting in my ears and all I can think is this is the last serenade. This has to come to an end. 
I believe I will never learn. Everything must end big and this may one day be my downfall. I'm incredibly presumptuous, I'm not willing to give up till the end. One last stand if you will please give me a moment of unnoticed glory and hours to desperately try to pick up the pieces and put them back anew. It's the last game of the season thursday. And if I don't tell him then I never will. I guess I didn't learn with Jess (we still think he was stoned) at least Michelle will be there with me. Twice in one year will I feel my heart racing the insanity and terror of one moment and one person. The distinction between 2 words is so subtle and decides our fates for-ever I suppose. I'm good at flirting so however things turn out I think I'll be fine. No I know I'll be fine. 

Romeo and Juliette moment with Mathew. We have been getting rather attached I guess, to these little movements. Still a faerie tale but they died at the end right? So maybe not too perfect after all. But only after thursday 7:00. There you go, Romeo by Meris can be my song for him.

Ivanovich is an illegal citizen. Tomorrow I might not see him again. His dreams of a string quartet are like little glass animals. Breathe and they will shatter. He's strong outside inside after Mina I don't think so. His face when he talks and writes about her... please Mina, don't let him leave. 

The color of the sky: A sad light blue. As if something were missing. A thick milk like consistency dyed blue. No clouds, just blue. 

I started slowing down noticing. The way I hold a spoon. The different way people hold you when you hug them. The way food actually tastes when your not really hungry. The little things that really, don't matter. 

Dark chocolate bittersweet

The greatest love story ever told, is your own.

I think it's pretty incredible to have someone write about you and to be able to read it. Your seeing yourself through someone else eyes. Ivanovich is a great writer. Today we had a sub so we didn't do aaaanything. It was lovely. Turns out our entire group of four has bonded over the simple four letters, L-O-V-E. Mari just confessed, or rather Emily figured her out. He's in our class he's mexican (Venezuelan) he's hot and this is wonderful. Emily has her own issues, according to her she's insecure and impatient. Ivanovich well I told you that one. Me, well Chris...yeah. I look forward to this class more and more everyday.

Do you ever feel really truly happy for someone else? Even though their happiness is related or is what makes you so irritated an unhappy? Well Isaac and Steph are going out!!!! Ohmygod. It was a chain reaction, Ari told Meredith who told me who told Michelle, who told Nick and everyone else (a lot of people already knew though...fb) but it felt so wonderful. I hope they get married.

I saw Jess today. We got out of the car simultaneously and headed towards the school. It was silent though the rush of people should have filled the gaping hole. I could hear our footsteps. Clear through the void of non noise. His a thumping steady rhythm reassuring a warmth to cling to. Mine a pitter patter of rain, childish high heeled shoes with pink bows as clumsy as I am. We didn't really look at each other today, as we passed by. Today we are strangers, yesterday lost lovers, tomorrow friends, and for eternity there for each other though we may not accept it yet.

The greatest love story...it is. We tell it after all. In all it's glory and wonder. Laden in gold and lace. It's the most epic of tales in our perspective. Since we are not the characters of our own stories. Instead the person we strive to be most, the one we imagine ourselves to be they are our main character and they will tell our love story to the end. Until we die, stop believing or come to terms with reality.

The color of the sky: A swirl of mist rises from the disjointed colossus of the sky. It reaches far out into the endless abyss of night on the disappearing horizon. Like an egg cracking open to unleash new life, from a lifeless grey mass to the pristine egg shell blue of a new day.

Dark chocolate 90%. Bitter sweet. It is like us at the last hour of the day. Our coffee shop of regulars and outlandish short stories. Of sticky notes and used up pens. Telling our stories that are as bitter as 90% but under the bitter sadness is the sweet flavor of love and chocolate.

Bright colors in black and white

Flowers are very pretty.

Chris posted new pictures on instagram. And I really just want to draw him, it's like Jess all over again. But this time it seems somehow more awkward. I'm still pretty annoyed at him. This is starting to sound rather physiological, like it's all in my head since I don't actually talk to him. Oh well.

Soccer game really far a way. It was cold, as if slivers of ice were falling from the sky instead of water. I got hit in the face and my head still hurts. I'm kinda scared that I got something like a concussion...I don't think so but I'm still a bit concerned.

I hate math homework. It's so stupid and it takes so much effort.

I also still hate people. But they are so pretty and have pretty voices. That's another amazing thing about people the ability they have to use their voices. Music especially. Not just that, but to be able to say anything.

Flowers in fall. Thank the internet. 

The color of the sky: An icy cold grey. Like someone was slowly sucking light and warmth out of the world. As if everything was suddenly going to turn black and white in a dark depressing way.

I wish I had a really good camera and an ipod touch so I could get an instagram and post the things I do. Emi's annoying me with ours. She took off some that were really good, and she keeps following random people. Can't she do that on her personal one?
I wish I could skip class again, but my mom would get mad...I would walk to the park and read. Or bring my crappy digital camera along and attempt to make it take a decent picture. Those things really mess with it and make the pictures look kinda weird. I don't like mine. Oh well...
I need to go finish the Elegance of a Hedgehog now. Night.

a combination of statements, ideas, or features of a situation that are opposed to one another :

Last night Michelle and I had the strangest conversation about love and the philosophy of love. We began by talking about Chris which turned into 'all people need love or not' argument which led to blind love and so forth. Best txt conversation I've had in forever!

Ukrainian school. Got hit in the face with a football... and it was boring.
Bonding even for theatre! That was fun. We played 10 fingers, psychiatrist and other fun games. Got cider.

Why does it seem life is all about love and music. I mean those are the things that really really matter... everything else kinda branches off. But you could contradict that. I have a theory that you can contradict anything and everything. It seems that way, doesn't it. Now every time I go to say something I have to think about it.

The color of the sky: It was pretty. A glowing marigold pumpkin orange surrounded by the most vibrant lilac purple. One could only describe it as a Renaissance piece of art set out to be wondered about at the Louvre. Yet still, only a few stop to actually marvel at it while the rest wander on looking at pornography of the twenty-first century.

"I think you honestly love him though..."
"I think I do."
What else matters? Nothing. Contradiction: a lot. So I decided that's what my black notebook journal shall be about.

life's a bitch and I bothered dressing up for the party

Ivanovich got me a note book...

I waited through half the varsity game, the whole j.v game, and I didn't get to see my boyfriend play. 'Who's your boyfriend?' Chris! 'Chris is this girl your girlfriend?' "No..." 'Is this guy your boyfriend?' YES! 'A relationship takes 2 people...' So what?
-Me and Michelle (J.V game)

I did. Cold. Rain. No food. Freezing my ass off for you. You didn't even fucking play. At least say HI. Don't fucking ignore me when you said, hey you should see our game against Purple Team. You are a fucking Asshole. Oh my god. I was going to give you a hug, and say hey you've still got Blue Team to play! Don't give up your amazing. And you walked right past me when I said hi. You looked at me and walked past me.
What the fuck am I doing. I told myself to stop but you can't stop liking someone can you.

I skipped 4th hour. Went to my old other school and saw Sophia. We ran around and drank Fufu berry juice! It was fun. My mom's really pissed at me now... Whatever.
After school, Michelle, Hana (Nicks girlfriend) and I went to the game... We had a ton of fun saying stupid stuff and singing and random crap. I wish Michelle hadn't left early. Maybe it would have turned out better.
I'm still really cold...and I want more chocolate.

The color of the sky: The stadium lights were blaring, shining like stars in the rain. Illuminating the once dark blue sky. Turning it into the pale blue of morning. It was so beautiful, and meaningless.

little bits of perfect nothing

I love history. Just finished talking notes on 30 pages of ancient Greek and Macedonian history while painting my nails, eating reese's and listening to Ukrainian hip hop/rap. True bliss right there.
Going to bed. No new developments in life. I just really want to read and not do my math homework. And sleep.
Good night.

The color of the sky: sparkling blue that has a feeling of infinite summer.

Reading Manga!!!!

A little black notebook

I got a new hat!!!! It's white with a pompom at the end. Cute!

Chris talked to me today!!!! Just as I finish talking to Moya about how I should just give up he walks up to me, hand outstretched for a high five. Conversation:
Chris: Hey gurl saw you at the game! You see my goal?
me: Yeah. It was great! Did you see me with my Nick sign?
Chris: Yeah, that was pretty intense blah blah blah. (Continues to brag). You gonna be there for the big game friday?
me: Yup!
Chris: see you there (...? something blah blah).
It was very nice. Maybe he'll talk to me more now. I think it was because of the locket, and red shoes and bow.

Ivanovich and I went downtown today. We left class early on some random excuse. Took the bus. He really wants to get Chris to like me now. And I really want him and Mina to get together (but there's not much I can do. Oh that's the girl he likes). Got the new hat, and mango pudding. It was nice. Although the sky looked like it was going to rain...

Michelle and I and a few other people sat in the makeup room and talked for a while. Scattered around in fluffy chairs, wooden chairs, countertops and the floor. I spaced out cause it wasn't that interesting, but it wasn't bad either. We just wasted time.

Gmail. Looking through old buzz's. That was so long ago! We, my previous friends and I, were so different from now. You can see the basis of who we are but we're covered up by something superficial and naive...I guess we were looking for ourselves still. It's kinda sad, those totally carefree little problem days that were 8th grade. I use to write in a little black note book instead of a blog... "Playing the Angel" that's what I called it. And that's what I did.

The color of the sky: A light grey, darkened with a photoshop effect. Sprayed on clouds and the lingering thought of rain.

The amazing things you realise for the first time while eating chinese buns

It's amazing that you can hear someone else's thoughts, their song to someone they once loved on the internet through something as simple as a blog.

I'm eating rice right now, enjoying the prospects of tomorrow and not enjoying the homework I'm suppose to be doing.

High school life is so contradictory. These things we say won't matter in 20 years we think that, but they will matter, forever. It's so confusing. This relates to the notes I was passing with Ivanovich today. His love story is like Love in the Time of Cholera. He's liked so many other people but he'll always love that one girl. It's so "tragically romantic", beautiful but sad... He told me today in our little notes that I was: the least superficial person I've met... I didn't know what to say. I play along all the time, but I guess I am different... He's pissed at Chris too! It was pretty funny. I love our conversations, I can finally really open up to someone other than the internet about a lot of things. I can do that with Michelle and Emi sort of but not quite. We just understand and they are words, stories on paper, that could be anyones.

Went to the JV game with Michelle. It was so fun! We made signs for our Nick fan club. It's called NPR FC for Nick's initials. He ended up playing field an we totally freaked out. Nick's dad was there too, he tired to get us to embarrass Nick as much as possible. And Michelle got to see Andrew (the senior who she is totally in love/totally obsessed with) and Chris played. After the game we ran around giving Nick hugs and getting funny comments from the soccer team. Chris ignored me. Finally we ended up on the little hill by the theatre. Talking and looking at pictures on Michelle's Ipod when Chris drives by. We stared at each other for a good while as his mom tried to manoeuvre around the minivans filled with high voiced third grade choir members. Finally he waved, or according to Michelle blew me off. I ended up yelling, "CHRIS YOUR AN ASSHOLE. I HATE YOU!" At the top of my lugs as his car disappeared. At least he did something. So now I have to wait till the next game to decide.
Oh and Nick scored and they mercied them.

I think math class and history are now my do-all-homework-I-was-too-lazy-to-do-at-home classes.

The color of the sky: A clearing grey, turning a lilac blue after rain. The taste in the stairwell conjuring up sad hopeless memories of a world outside the superficial in the rain on the street when it should be snowing with no where to run...

No one knows how bad this hurts, they never believed in the fist place

I think I'm done. It's not that I can't do it anymore I just don't want to bother. I was in plain sight, sure I didn't really say hi, but I was right there, I opened my mouth to say hi about to wave and he walks right past me. I can't do anything about it anymore. So maybe I should just stop before...before what? I not sure.

I found the owner of my found hat. I'm sad. Now I have to go buy one (that isn't as cute). That made me so sad... I think I'm gonna get the white one I found downtown. It's made the same way but it has a pompom. And it's winter white.

If I do stop where will I be...? I'm kinda lost here. Cause I never just gave up with Jess... And I don't think I ever have. So what happens tomorrow? Do I just hide all those pictures and dream all over again in a box, where in 2 months I'll look at and cry. Oh well at least my friends will be happy. None of them want me liking him anyways.

Soccer practise was so much fun today! It was insane! We did shielding. And we played games, then our coach started keeping score. We were all yelling and laughing. We ran more than we usually do too, but it was worth it. My feet really hurt now...

No one's txted me. Sad face.

The color of the sky: Out the spinning doors you can just barley make out the wintering scene outside. The orange glow of street lamps make for a reminder of 8th grade and the days I spent in total bliss of first stupid love. Endlessly playing soccer and not caring about the future. Looking out now at that pitch black sky, I can almost see the snow, feel the cold on my bare skin. The taste of the chocolates melted in my pocket and the simplicity of young love.