When you have nothing to live for do you just die (where did all the good things go)?

Am I going crazy? I think it's just a phase it'll pass in a week or so. It started yesterday when I noticed something was just wrong. When I got home after school I changed and just sat there, doing absolutely nothing. I wanted to clean and my room isn't that big of a mess. But every time I tried to start I couldn't.  Each paper contains something, important of a memory. And when I start looking though it I get stuck on them reading, hanging on to every word, remembering. I just can't clean it.

Then today it really hit me. First it was the smell in the hallway, the smell of rain. It made me think of all the things in my life. The messes I've made, all those responsibilities, all that shit that we call life. On top of that being all alone. It was suffocating. The next things I know I'm thinking why am I not talking to Chris. I should be. I should have just talked to him instead of waiting. What am I doing now? Why is everything like this? It's all my fault what the hell. 

I just want to yell or better yet paint or talk to Chris. I can't keep this all inside it just doesn't work.

Do I have depression or withdrawal or something?

I walked past Chris #2 in the halls. It was totally unexpected. I haven't seen him since the week before homecoming and that seems like a lifetime ago. At that moment I though he reached out as if to catch my hand. Maybe it was just my imagination, although it made me wonder if he still liked me. 

Dakota's on fb right now telling me I'm cute. Well ain't that something. He's probably high. We have an interesting friendship.

Today while waiting for my mom Michelle and me followed Mathew around. Talking, hugging running around. She throws out several times, Mathew you guys would be so cute, go date her. We totally evaded the subject, side stepped around it. It was funny. I love those two. They make the bad days bearable. Mathew has an interesting relationship with his brother. It's so subtle but you can immediately see the change in Mathews face when they talk. It's like he's trying to tolerate him but he doesn't like him at all. Apparently I'm the only one that notices.

Jess died. I haven't seen him in two days. What would I do if he OD-ed? I still can't stop drawing him, most of my characters end up looking like him, his face, hair, clothes. I'm never gonna forget him, am I.

The color of the sky: It was clear like the other days with a sight patchwork of grey and white clouds. Dispersing after a light rain. 

Yesterday I left everyone and went outside. I found a new corner. This one is surrounded by window where I can see myself reflected back at me. It's small and out there, most people don't even bother going that way since it's far out. I sat there doing nothing. The air was refreshing and sounds carried on the soft blowing wind but there was nothing to be heard. Sitting there everything seemed so calm, nothing to worry about. I could almost have said that I could just die.