I was standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the private apartments that happen to be my short cut. There's a small park and for a while I just stood there wondering whether to go swing or not, contemplating an even bigger concept of do you go do what you want or follow the path straight to your goal. It only takes a split second to decide. Somehow I found myself walking towards the swings.
Backpack off, the shoes were the next thing to go. Slipping my ipod into my bra I started swinging. Higher, higher. No one was there. The silence was consuming, as if that was all that was left in the world. Then I jumped. Maybe it was for the thrill, or cause I wanted to fly. As I let go of the swing I could see my shadow in front of me, lurching forward, propelled by some outside force. My body hit the ground hard, for a second I though I really could die. Instead I just lay there, looking up at the sky wondering why I was doing this. Thinking this must look so stupid, and why am I not high, cause then it would totally make sense. I'm going crazy, the idea slipped into my mind, yeah maybe.
I mean what other person sees the world in the pictures that no one will ever take. When I see the guy I like (for example) kissing another girl all I can think is damn that looks so pretty. What's wrong with me? I don't think I'm going to soccer again.
I just ate a banana and my stomach hurts so much now.
Jess didn't die. I saw him today. Wearing his green sweat shirt thing.
We had a sub in 7th hour so our group started talking about sex. Actually Emily brought it up. We made a list of places we would want to do it. It was a great conversation, just one of those that is funny makes you think kinda, and is a fantasy. We all had different points of view. Premarital sex, sex after marriage, sex with a boyfriend, 1 night stands, monks. It made my head ache go away for a while. And Ivanovich got us chocolate. 90%.
Lunch we just sat there. Emi, Krystal, Jini, Aron, Tammy, Olga and me. Talking, braiding hair, listening to music. Waiting till the very last minute to go to class.
The color of the sky: Light blue that faded out like old paper at the edges. The only wrinkles were a few white clouds. The heat made the whole thing seem surreal.
There's only one pair of shoes at the house at the edge of the world now.
I guess I forgot to post this...this is yesterday the 25th I think...
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