People. I know so much about them from watching them and drawing them. In some cases going beyond and doing research. But over all I can pick things up by watching them. Like Jess, where I pick up so much or just in the hallways and what people do. I know these things about people, I memorise them. And why don't they do different things? Why are they so predictable. Are we really as different as we think we are? Are we all individual or universals. As discussed by Renee in the Elegance of a Hedgehog (which I just finished. It has a rather astonishing ending. I almost cried. Good book.) “Do universals exist, or only singular things?” And Renee answers: “Every painting by a Dutch master is an incarnation of Beauty, a dazzling apparition that we can only contemplate through the singular, but that opens a tiny window onto eternity and timelessness of a sublime form."
I related beyond compare to this book. More to Renee even than Paloma. It was quite incredible and I recommend it to anyone who is willing to fall slowly into the rhythm of a story that is about the complex questions in life that we can never really grasp though it is there at our fingertips, and one who is ready to wonder.
Thursday is my last good-bye. As far as I am concerned at least.
I decided this today. I ran out of the building. There is this place where people tend to avoid. It's an outdoor stairwell. It has no use, even though it is remote and surrounded on 3 sides it has a security camera. I like it there. It's a wind tunnel of silence. I sit there. It's my little place. Well I ran out there. Standing at the top with the wind blowing back my hair, it's a movie scene, the music interlude is blasting in my ears and all I can think is this is the last serenade. This has to come to an end.
I believe I will never learn. Everything must end big and this may one day be my downfall. I'm incredibly presumptuous, I'm not willing to give up till the end. One last stand if you will please give me a moment of unnoticed glory and hours to desperately try to pick up the pieces and put them back anew. It's the last game of the season thursday. And if I don't tell him then I never will. I guess I didn't learn with Jess (we still think he was stoned) at least Michelle will be there with me. Twice in one year will I feel my heart racing the insanity and terror of one moment and one person. The distinction between 2 words is so subtle and decides our fates for-ever I suppose. I'm good at flirting so however things turn out I think I'll be fine. No I know I'll be fine.
Romeo and Juliette moment with Mathew. We have been getting rather attached I guess, to these little movements. Still a faerie tale but they died at the end right? So maybe not too perfect after all. But only after thursday 7:00. There you go, Romeo by Meris can be my song for him.
Ivanovich is an illegal citizen. Tomorrow I might not see him again. His dreams of a string quartet are like little glass animals. Breathe and they will shatter. He's strong outside inside after Mina I don't think so. His face when he talks and writes about her... please Mina, don't let him leave.
The color of the sky: A sad light blue. As if something were missing. A thick milk like consistency dyed blue. No clouds, just blue.
I started slowing down noticing. The way I hold a spoon. The different way people hold you when you hug them. The way food actually tastes when your not really hungry. The little things that really, don't matter.
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