seven tardies, seven classes

I wanted to write so bad. But the internets been down, actually I think my parents cut me off.

Life seriously sucks right now. I’m so sick of people and their expectations of me. It really bugs me. It’s like I can’t be alone with myself and my thoughts. 

I skipped first hour today which wasn’t bad at all. But there were people in the woods and they were distracting and kinda scary. I never saw them but I could hear them. The drunken stupor of clamoring footsteps scattered, thrashing on the dead leaves. I don’t mind drugs since I know so many addicts but sometimes things like that are a painful reminder of the terror and faint disgust in the practice. 

I made it back to class in time to take the test. Bluffing my way across the threshold. The rest of the day kinda sucked to. I just wanted to disappear. Hide in the back of a theatre and watch the motion picture in blissful silence and darkness. Or sit in a cafe with a reasonable snack or beverage and watch people. Better yet why can’t I just go to New York, take art lessons and talk to Dj. 

I barley ate today since the vending machines, all 4 of them, don’t take 5 dollar bills. 

And again I wasn’t sure wether I wanted to throw up or eat.

I went to theatre today. It sucked. I really can’t stand it. I was in the shop and I couldn’t 

think. I did the same thing four time over before I got it right. I slipped and tripped multiple times. By the end of it I was close to saying I just want to kill myself. I’m just so sick of people and the pressure and all those things I “have” to do. 

When I got home my parents started yelling about my grades how they’d dropped and things weren’t going well. 

“What’s the matter. Is there something wrong at school or with you?”

Probably think I’m doing drugs or something. Well I’m not. And surprisingly I haven’t started cutting. Actually I don’t want to do that...I just want to run away. Away from This. 

I still haven’t eaten and I’m really hungry but at the same time I don’t want to. There’s a bug crawling all over my computer and homework. I like it. I hope it doesn’t die. That’d be sad.

The color of the sky: Bleak grey sky. Cold. Without resolution. I don’t think it was perfect for any occasion. 

I wish I could just leave it all behind. I wish it would hurry up and get to Christmas. I’m so scared that we won’t make it...we won’t see each other...that my life’s going to go to ashes. I just want to go to New York and see him.

I wonder when the bus to wonderland is leaving

Today sucked Again. I sat there in class, not sure whether I was hungry or wanted to throw up.

Rant about my history teacher.
He is a stuck up good for nothing republican idiot who falsely attempts to teach history to high school students. No, history is the wrong word...he aims to inflict upon us a story glorifying the winners of history and incorrect descriptions of historic figures. Further more he expands his ego through glorifying himself in front of the class and urging (oppressing our right of freedom and the 1st amendment) us to laugh (unsuccessfully) at his utter lack of intelligence, conceited remark or smug joke! He's insufferable! He's like Chris strutting around shrouded in his arrogance not noticing that we take him for a fool and despise his minuscule being that has suddenly filled the early hours of our ever day. Except Chris has his good points and he's genuinely and idiot (and we know that).With my teacher...I don't see that in this middle aged man who sees the world though his tiny glass window clouded by the absurdness of taxing and false pretences, viewing himself as the perfect human being without the flaws of an uneducated 14-15 year old. Un très important, raffiné à la perfection, cultured Arian who is at the peak of his despicable career and life (for that matter).
He's an vulgar, sad individual misplaced in time and career. Pouvez vous aller chez le diable.

Ah that looks so beautiful and sounds even better.
Well I know who's class I'm skipping tomorrow. It's Friday. Even better.

7th hour...I like those people. I don't have to run away there. And their facial expressions are so funny.

Just finished New Year Eve. The movie. See there is magic. Even if it's not quite what you expect. But making a movie and inspiring people, that's magic.

The color of the sky: Darkening fast. Turning the scene into a deathly chase through dark dreary woods, the blue background and erie clouds creeping in. Little Red Ridding Hood is on her way home. There's only so much further. Almost there...smell the fire...but it's getting dark, fast. There are scary things in the dark...

I was listening to Handel's Messiah today in class. It's really something...

Buried under leaves and snow from yesterdays sorrows lies the key to my heart which I denied to you on a summer day

Today was...just wrong. Is there a reason for my being here as who I am? I want to disappear. I hate november...or maybe its just because 1 year ago today she asked me out and I made up my mind that I was leaving everything I knew behind to go hide in corners of this miserably town. I wonder why I never went to the movies...

I finished the book today. Hunting and Gathering. I feel like that's what my life's gonna be like. Not exactly every detail but that story plot. And maybe not that ending. Honestly it's kinda how I want to live. Just drawing people... I really liked that book. Now on to finishing Anna Karenina!

Kill the Messenger has been playing over and over. It fits today. The verge of breaking down and running away again for better or worse. Chris is flirting with a new girl. A senior I know and she's...not the best news. I don't mind her too much but first Phil now Chris...I've seen them before but today they were standing there talking to people and he was playing with her hair. That absent minded movement of his hands. The simplicity of that movement. His sweet blank expression.
I was jealous. But why? There was never anything truly there. It was a perfect open door that had come at the wrong time. Or I was just an idiot not to walk through it. It's all my fault. So I can't be mad at him because he didn't do anything really. My heart break is my fault this time. I should have tried harder. So what's left? Move on and keep the memories carved into your left wrist, where I will always write in sharpie.

Things I missed yesterday: Chris walking with Kelsey towards the counsellor's offices. They were alone in that hallway surrounded by a feeling of intimacy. And all I could think was she's pregnant and their gonna go talk to their counsellor about it. They did it....had sex....my mind kinda blanked after that.

I walked part of the way home with Sam. He's an incredibly attractive young man in my 7th hour. All the girls have a crush on him, even if it's only a little one. He works at the church down the road from my house. We walked and talked about stuff it was really nice for a change. My heels clacking on the cold pavement the beat, his voice keeping up with the tempo, like a quiet melody.

The color of the sky: A thin horizontal rainbow of the last light disappearing into the inky blackness of the night.

Where is my happiness hidden? Where is the key? Chris once asked for it. I brushed it off. If he asked today...would I simple hand it over? What if...I don't want that...

Who made up the rules of this game?

Dear God...
I haven't listened to Avenged Sevenfold in a while. I love them. No matter how much time passes that band will always be one of my favourites. The lyrics, musical arrangements, Matt's voice...it all just makes sense. I wrote a song to Seize the Day with my counsellor at camp, in Ukrainian though. I sent him the finished draft on his birthday, August 4th. After that I decided to listen to the rest of the songs. And I fell in love.

I wish all love was as simple. Actually I bet it is, we just make it complicated and make it seem like more than it really is.

A grey day. A day that seemed like everything could quietly just end. Slouching in the bus seat, trying to disappear into my over sized black sweat-shirt. The sky was imposing, looming down on us silently. Never was that silence really broken. It just blended with the noises of the rest of the world. Jess was sitting across from me. The whole bus was a mystery. Each in his own world. Connected by an isle seat to seat and nothing more. Strangers. I was listening to A7X...I remember that. God I was so quiet back then. A little girl with no sense of fashion trying to fit in.

Sometime I feel like I can recall all those feelings I've lived through. The suspense, heart break, anticipation, happiness, nervousness, the feeling of standing on the edge, freedom, loneliness, love, acceptance, ridicule, disappointment. If I could just sit there drowning in it...it would be an amazing picture don't you think?

Mathew and I had an adventure. After running away from Michelle and asking him to be my boyfriend while I avoid Issac. We walked around complaining about our teachers and classes. Tried not to kill a computer. He is horrible with technology! But it was fun all the same. Moment. Emi wanted me to stay in the library:
M: She wants you.
me: But don't you want me too?
M: She wants you more...
me: You'r just going to leave me here again...?
M: Fine come on.

Played MASH with Sophia on Fb. I am: married to Jess, living on a ranch, in Kazakstan, with a pet sheep with 69 kids. My wedding dress was a cupcake pink. I am a prostitute he's a masseuse and our car is a ice cream truck.

The color of the sky: Baby blue torn jeans, splattered with bleach, and faded at the torn edges with the surprising smell of summer.

Fuck math homework again. I'm just gonna go to bed now.

Stories exchanged and a goodnight kiss

"i don't know. i'm not saying that i woulnd't but i guess i have this picture of what my life is like and going to be like and if i don't reach for that and try to make my life that fantasy it doesn't feel right. i'd almost rather be alone knowing that i did my best than have a boyfriend but know i gave up before i got to where i wanted to go. it's kinda dumb and really childish..."
My views.

"The best things in life are the things we never even saw coming"
Oh why is that so true....why...

Poor Dan's telling me
about his girlfriend. I don't understand how some people can expect other to just change for them. That girl is so dumb. That's what a relationship is. Accepting each others imperfections and flaws. You see through it and love the person for who they are.
"trying my best but it doesn't seem to be enough..."
Bitch posted: Ur stupid. NO you're the stupid one! I wanna write that so bad...
Instead I wrote. No he's not! as long as you tried...maybe things will turn out ok.
Bad but it will do.

Maybe I just need to accept life and expect to see life turn out how I expect. But does that mean I have to stop looking? Depend only on luck. Cause I've learned that lesson many times and sure I'm reckless and headstrong, doing dumb things (especially when it comes to guys) but at least I'm not letting life pass me by.

Nick, "I hate school." What are we doing? Homework constantly. We talk about school on Fb. We stay up till past midnight doing hw. I hate school. And most of the people there. Still bitching about school (he seems really pissed) 2 hours later. And being racist.

Isaac. Talking more about school. I don't wanna talk....I mean it's fun but this is gonna get out of hand fast. I know...that is if he likes me. If not fine. Whatever.

I hate fb. Too many things. Too easy to contact people. But you can have some nice things too. Our conversations...stories exchanged without having to say a word.

Things get slow around midnight...

Nick: Idk. Telling you stuff.
Me: Ok tell me stuff then.
Nick: As me.
Bacon.
Love. I'll always love him promise him. He's like my big bro.

Good night dear readers. May your dreams be filled with bacon, waffles, sugar cookies with icing and rainbow sprinkles, coffee, and nice things that go with this meal.
Sealed with a kiss from me and your lover across the stars.

Do you hate me? Because I do.

The girl you have a crush on has now bet her dreams of happiness on a weather forecast of snow and spent her savings on a bus ticket to New York to see someone that might not even like her. ...So what were you saying?

Schools a drag. All day today I couldn't help but think, I'm just going through the motions. I found myself walking down the hall without even thinking, just walking...to now where.

I actually ate dinner today. Normally I just grab something. But today I was so hungry. The food was like the food we use to eat at our old house back when I was little. On our white oddly magnetic table just barely big enough for the three of us. Squeezed into our already small but perfect kitchen. I loved that house.

What happens when you get a boyfriend? Is it different? Or just another label. I remember when I went out with Nick, but that seems so long ago...160 posts and 1 more year. Things have changed...I think. Well some things have for sure.

I just keep listening to Jacks Mannequin. The songs playing over and over again. I think I need a new album of theirs already!

25 days till break begins. 28 till Christmas. Just keep counting down the days...

I saw this guy today. He jumped up onto the platform thingy and walked until the end when he jumped off. I do that all the time. I wondered if it makes him feel closer to the sky, like he could almost fly when he does that.

The color of the sky: A pool of azalea grey. Shimmering beneath the surface of clouds. It wasn't as windy. A calm on a stormy ocean. A lullaby of sirens voices. Pulling you away from reality. Wanting to take you away into a deep sleep then steal your breath away with the chilling airwaves. Not painful, no just peace, eternal sleep under a perfect sky.

To face the fears we created for our entertainment

Isn't it kinda weird that you can one day say I like you to the person you've know for years. Just one day decided you like them. And how can we like people we've only just met. How do we fall in love?

Back to school tomorrow. I need 2 more days at least. Don't want to face the messes I've made. I'd rather sit in my room and clean up the ones I know I can.

Went to my grandmas house yesterday. My parents picked my up and took me out with them to a Thai restaurant. It was really good! I had pineapple rice curry. Spicy! For desert we got mango ice cream with sticky rice and coconut milk.

They tore down the old church. It was old, falling apart. I though it would always be there. That's the thing about this place, it feels like if I leave and come back things won't change. Like we're our own world with our own sense of time. But I suppose that's not the case is it. That church had one of the most memorable and beautiful thing written on it that I've ever read. 
“Sorry for looking away so quickly, I actually think you’re really nice looking, but you kinda remind me of this person that I wish would come back."
I found it May 24 of this year. I was probably running from reality again. Those words turn the warm summer day full of sun into a grey winter scene. The darkening sky brimming with snow. A vague image of the person who wrote those words. I was still part time at the art school, and it could have been one of them. But that didn't matter really, what I wanted to know was how could someone write something so beautiful about something so sad.

Looking for summer programs to take me far away. 

The color of the sky: Grey, it seems it will be like that most days from now on. Speckled with stray snowflakes. Nestling in peoples hair, as they search for the perfect evergreen tree even though it's still november.

When there's nothing left to say

What would you say if I told you I came from the sky...?

Late nights, I only wish I had coffee and that I wasn't here

Putting off telling someone that I don't like them like that doesn't change anything does it. It just means that I've let the their imagination grow into something they see as a perfect story. That's why I hate people (one of the many many reasons). I really need to do something about this but what's left to do now, I can't undo the things we've said.

I can't wait to get out of here and travel. The sooner the better, but that's still almost 3 more years.

Just like any other girl I want to find that bit of so called true love. A moment of happiness in my youth involving kisses and holding hands in dark theatres. 3 years. I'm starting to wonder how much time that really is. Finding myself has taken, what, year and a half, leaving me with this time. Only to like someone 400 miles away and avoiding the majority of our high school population. I don't regret it...I'm trying to....I have no idea!

I wish I could buy all this music!

It's snowing again. A lot! It makes Christmas seem not so far away.

We went to Toledo today. The whole family. The art museum to see the Manet exhibit. It was really cool. There's so much in those paintings. They're so beautiful. They're something I can relate to. It's like the Louvre were I can get lost in a face for hours.

The color of the sky: Lost in a sea of grey. As if everything had been painted over with a thin watered down grey then speckled with white.

Every human being has a set of wings...

Making faces at the world

I'm sorry I can't really do that. I can put other people happiness before mine but not with love. I guess I still believe in faerie tales. Like my Prince Charming is just over the horizon. Yeah it's silly but that's just me.

I have a pretty face don't I. If I lost weight I'd be a perfect little doll, minus my lack of fashion but that could be fixed. You know I'd rather have every guy whistle at me and just want to have sex than have sweet nice guys liking me. It would be a lot simpler don't you think?
Maybe I should dye my hair too, while I'm at it. Ginger...?

I saw Sunset Boulevard with my dad just now. God it's depressing! Leaving you with that feeling of gloom that you wish you could just shake off, but instead it lingers, in the dark dim lit corners of your room and creaking of the house. It's a great movie though. Amazing acting and camera work, not to mention the directing. The 50's...damn that was a depressing time.

Fb. I've been avoiding it more than usual. But while stalking peoples pages cause I was bored, I came across a video posted by Dj from the weekend. I was there for the little skit but it seems so different. Everything comes across as different. Maybe it's just my perspective of him or that we're so far away or I miss that time but it's different, in a good way. A memory that I can hold on to.

Ok I should get some sleep...maybe...or read. Hunting and Gathering is a really good book. Recommended. The beginnings isn't too good but after the first few chapters it get better.

When you start planning out your life and things don't go as you planned what do you do?

I wrote it on my wrists

I kept forgetting to write! I even wrote it on my wrist in sharpie as to not forget! I can't believe it.
School sucks as usual but now we have thanksgiving break!
Monday I had work out so I am so sore now! Yesterday was worse though. Climbing up all those stairs... It sucked!
I saw Jess during passing time. It was perfect. I was in the stairwell by the window. He was right there. Back turned towards me. So I started to draw. I haven't done this, like actually drawn him, since last year. My hands were shaking, I don't know why, but it was such a relief when I finished.

Michelle came up with a new person I should date. Isaac. He's in theatre with us and he use to date Steph. Well apparently she asked him if he liked me and he said yes. There you go. You turn down one person and there's another one waiting in line. It's just like the mice we have in our summer house. I just want to be there now. She told him to wait until after new years. So I suppose that's a good thing, gives me time to make up excuses. He txted me today, which he never does. Things just went from bad to really bad. Fuck I hate people. It's not their fault and I feel really bad about it. But I just can't deal with it, I mean I can, I just don't want to. Don't disturb my perfect world that I accidentally found, cause if I have to move I think it will take me a while to find a place as good.

I'm not sure if I've told you this already but in 8th grade I decided that from late november till January 1st I wouldn't date anyone. Because of Dj. We were pretty close and it seems like now we're even more so. He was my first slow dance... I guess it's just a hope and my careful preparations that I don't miss this off chance. I get to see him on Christmas after all. So maybe it is magic.

Sometimes, a lot of times actually I wonder if I'm in love with people or my drawings of them.

I think I've reiterating things a lot today. I think it's just for my own sake to try to figure things out.

Emi, Nick and I went out for Chinese food. We stopped at Rite aid and bought Nick a really late/early birthday present. A really fat gazelle, which was probably actually a giraffe. We ate, talked, took pictures, bought slushies and doughnuts. Then we sat at the round about and waved at people waiting for our full stomachs to stop aching so we could head home. The three of us make the most amazing group of weird friends. Times like that I never want to leave behind for anything else in this world.

The color of the sky: Opening up like a giant dome. Full of plump plum clouds.
The afternoon though was like coarse beach sand. Painted a thick grey blue. As if the waves had left behind their color.

They reach up from the ground grabbing me, tying me to the earth so that I can't fly, I can't get free...it's like a rosebush cruel but beautiful and that is life. death is freedom.

Eating coffee caramels while counting down the day till christmas while staring at the empty screen that doesn't help my homework situation at all. In fact it's only wasting more and more time but what does it matter this year sucks work wise. There's no motivation in it and I'm not learning anything anyways. So instead I stare at this computer and plan my outfit for tomorrow, the shoes that will match and the make up I want to put on.
You know there's only 36 days and 2 hours till christmas?
I decided to try to clean my room. I just go sick of it. I do that. It's so unproductive. But if I get that impulse I kinda have to at least start. So I'm cleaning.
I really hate my english and history classes this year. They fucking suck. And the more I clean the more hw assignments I find that I didn't do. That pisses me off too. I shouldn't be slacking off but then again those teachers...idk it's so complicated. I just want to get the next Breathe Carolina album and have it be winter break and snowing.

The color of the sky: a carmel sunset. Warm with orange and red. A few clouds on the horizon, a steamy grey.

Not much to say while fleeting dreams take me far away to a place where there is exotic food

I feel like I've been talking about my personal life a lot recently and no enough of every day chit chat. Well I suppose it doesn't matter since this is my blog, but I might as well try. This week has been pretty bad (weekend was good though!).

Chris wore his glasses to school today. At first I wasn't sure it was him. But who else has that same jacket? No one. I watched him from the window before 7th hour. It was like watching a movie. I knew who the main character was and there was a silent narration that accompanied his actions. And like those feeling you get when watching a movie, that you wish you were there and that was your life but it's so far away and unrealistic that it can't be. All I can do is draw...

It sucks listening to them rehearse. But it's so hard to ignore the tight feeling in my chest when I walked by them.

The color of the sky: Like a spring day. Silence filled with bird songs, the sun shining a golden evening color. Although the trees were still bare and the grass a dying yellow, there was that spring bliss of everything being reborn, life anew.

Nail polish and nail polish remover are like drugs to me. They calm me down. The smell of them. My little bit of nicotine.

All I want is to sit in my bathroom with time and glitter

Is it dumb that I can just say I don't like you anymore after all the things I put myself through while trying to like Chris. Does that even make sense? You know I probably would say yes if he asked me after Christmas break. Is that really stupid?

I forgot this about yesterday. At the orthodontists there was this lady who sometimes does my braces. Well she is gorgeous and I don't understand why she has that job. Smooth oval face, perfectly arched black eye brows, pretty dark eyes, and almost black brown hair. But she frikking scares me! She seems like she'd be nice but there is something about her...Last time she totally didn't give a crap about me. This time she seemed really irritated, bossy and looked like she was enjoying causing me pain. Near the end she kinda let up and wasn't as harsh about stuff. But I swear she is there to torture children. It's her secret obsession or something.

Have you ever had to reject someone? I hate it. It leaves me feeling totally disgusting. Like I can't wash away the feeling of how totally horrible I am. Like Lady Macbeth. I can't get rid of this dirt, that's on me now. This sad hole, weighing down inside.
People say it has pros. That you should feel more free with out this choice. And that you have the freedom to choose so it isn't that bad. But it is! Also people say I'm lucky. Because I can do this. It means I'm pretty, people love me, and I have options. I don't need to say yes because someone else will come along shortly. Well that's nice and dandy but it sucks! Cause more likely than not I'll have to turn them down too! It's just so ehblehshhh bleh.

I've been on Pinterest a lot. It's entertaining and gives me something to do. Also it really makes me want to buy make up and experiment with color and clothing. Which then makes me want to do specific photo shoots which Emi and I don't have the money of technology for.

I found the phone thing mouse that I got from my cousins in Ukraine. I lost it sometime in september. Well I found it on a guys back pack. He has 2 classes with me. And I just sat there for the longest time looking at that mouse on that grey and black back pack. I should have felt happy that it found a nice new home. But a feeling of slight sadness and guilt was there. I wanted to be happy, yet I couldn't...It was just a moment where there was no feeling. I just hope that mouse has a good life with who ever finds it next...

The color of the sky: A clear but grey sky. Like you could see through it. A glass ornament on a tree. Inside sparkles of clouds gilded with snow. I didn't snow though. It would have been nice.

Chris has a habit of winking at me every time he sees me. I'm not sure if this is some reflex, a habit, or something he actually thinks about. It makes me laugh.

from sweden with love

Orthodontist appointment took me out of the torture chamber that classes are becoming. I really wanted to miss 1st hour for it but no luck there. Actually classes today weren't bad. We made my math teacher cry. I actually felt really bad for her.
Ivanovich came back. Apparently he'd been skipping the class for the last two days. I was getting worried that he got hit by a car or got deported.
I'm gonna try to talk to Seffan tomorrow. I really need to learn to tell people who like me straight up how I feel. I just don't want to hurt them and I want to be friends, though that doesn't always work. Stupid irrational fear.

I wore my dress I bought in Ukraine. A slightly medieval top, with kinda puffy short sleeves, partially lace up top, and frilly skirt bottom. With a black long sleeved under shirt, and dark pastel blue/lavender leggings. With the grey converse and maroon plaid scarf that I wear so often. Black bow. It's that ideal picture of me and who I am that I drew out of boredom one day. That drawing had people and all the things I love. The paths I can take. My journey...

I want to go back to this weekend. Drink some more, party, see my friends, stay up late talking nonsense while being cold, and just being there in the middle of no where living life with all it's teenage risks.

We decided on crew heads for the show and I'm doing costumes! It's gonna be so much fun! I can't wait! We also had a read through today. And just sitting there listening to Sammy read, it just pissed me off. I wanted that part so much. Or maybe I just wanted to have Mathews attention. But I did want to act so much in this one. Costumes should be great though.

I really want to buy some fabric and get my grandma's old sewing machine and do some stuff. I also really want to buy some makeup and nail polish so that I can just play with it. Dress up!

The color of the sky: Broken eggshell blue. A pale pink yolk strung out like pearls powdered with pastel pink.

I really want to talk to Chris about soccer.

the run way to heaven

Sitting in the hallway, two desks opposite each other. We were taking a test. Me and Steven. His hair is bleached blonde since he's on the water polo team. The hallway was loud. Full of colorful noises of movies playing. The hallway lined with red lockers seemed lost in the flavor of screened conversations. His eyes are really deep. Kinda like Jess's. But they look at you in this questioning, implying look, that makes me want to blush and look away like a 19th century girl in a lacy pink dress.

I skipped 1st hour with the help of my mother. It wasn't pleasant since I had to do math, but it wasted time I could have spent with my horrid republican teacher and my tiny admirer.

I kinda want to dye my hair a ginger orange.

It snowed today. I was sitting along in a hallway, when I looked out the window and it was snowing. I jumped up grabbed my open bag and ran out the door. Outside, twirling around, I just said, snow, it's snowing... today is perfect.

The color of the sky: everything was winter grey. And the pristine snow falling in tiny balls was perfectly matched to the monotone sky.

I'm ready to find the freedom to fly.

green sweat-shirt swag that carries a red string

While the weekend was great today wasn't the best.
First hour was...a realisation of my irrational fear all over again. Hurting other people, and other people liking me and me not liking them but scared to hurt them. Seffan a freshman in my history class kinda asked me out today. Thursday he was kinda joking about it. But today it all come out. We were passing notes and he asked me about the guy I like and how he likes me and stuff. We actually have the same birth day. And honestly it kinda feels like fate. But I just met him and with the weekend and all this stuff I don't know if I could. I don't like him like that...

When I was at Dj's I think I realised that I kinda maybe like him, again. I just keep thinking about Stairway to Heaven, and all those little things that we've done. Wonder why he even noticed me in the first place, and if it isn't really wishful thinking or a hazed up drunken dream we went through that night. Cause several times I probably would have left cause I was worried that I would get caught and he said don't leave. Maybe I'm hallucinating things again about peoples feelings. Another thing that I noticed today was when I saw Chris that I wasn't worried about anything. And walking away I didn't feel like there was anything I needed to say. This it the time when we start looking forward again.

I don't even remember the rest I was so tired when I got home. I know I slept through a few classes. Dressed in black leggings, my green new york sweatshirt that fits me too perfectly and carries Dj's awkward swag, boots, and my messy wavy hair down. I dreamt of him while asleep. I like good dreams.

Also with letting go again. I've found that sense of freedom that I got in 8th grade after dumping Nick. That it's my choice, and you gain your own freedom. Awkward situations really are perfect for conversations aren't they. And that's how I want to live.

The color of the sky: A tower of gold we were driving towards it. All around us darkening black clouds loomed in. Making the sun set more prominent. Like the light reflected of golden leaves sprinkled with autumn rain.

I change my mind to often. My element is the sky, according to horoscopes and online smut, like the color of the sky, always changing color to accommodate the people and myself. That's just me I guess.

Let's drink to giraffes, awkwardness, swag, poop, scotch tape and being drunk and tired cause none of this matters or makes sense

I just had the weekend of my life. It was such a great weekend. Getting on that bus I really though things were gonna suck. The bus ride sure did (although I studied a lot and did most of my hw. Minus the math which I didn't take and am doing now) once I got there it was great. I saw so many people I haven't seen since Ukraine and summer. We talked caught up on things all at 1 in the morning. We stood there in front of the main building, talking about camp, school, people, politics. Eventually bidding each other good night and heading to our separate housing.
The layout of the place is a main house which is like a hotel and a main hall where everything takes place. Scattered around are buildings each on with it's ghost stories, creaky stairs and crappy heat or Ac. Each group had a building or stayed in the main house. It's a nice place, hidden in the lower mountain range of the Catskills. We went to bed around 2.
Woke up the next day around 7. Got ready for the competition. We wore uniforms. Which for the girls are brown skirt, beige shirt that makes you look fat, a brown over coat, brown knee highs and shoes (also brown). Guys have the same deal without the overcoat, and in all green. Also each state and gender group has a bandanna around their neck, like japanese school girls. The competitions began after breakfast.
I should explain this. 1st you have a power point presentation. And the point is to present your knowledge about the subject in the power point. 2nd you preform a skit which has something to do with the topic. 3rd there is a competition for individuals to see which kid is the smartest, best at improv and a good example to others. And you do these things, the judges write down scores then you sit down and watch the rest of the show. All 20 other power points and skits. Moving on to dinner and the dance.
Like all other Ukrainian youth gatherings there was a dance. And there was alcohol. I wore my pretty pink shirt and leggings, and my oversized black sweat shirt.
To be totally honest with you I've never really drunken that much. I tell stories, over exaggerations of my adventures but I've never gotten drunk. But that night I got a thrill. I wasn't any where near drunk but there was the feeling of a risk, the buzz of the drug, the adventure. Vodka. That's what we had. Smuggled in water bottles and mixed with sprite. We got to the dance early so my friends and I headed back to sneak a drink. They got drunk. It was pretty bad. Oreo was staggering around yelling things, asking for more drinks. Larry seemed ok after a bit the alcohol hit her and she got a bit tipsy. Bored we found ourselves at DJ's room. Now I haven't seen the guy since summer and I was like let's be friends.
Well we kept talking. Random almost non sensical words and conversations came out. He offered his jacket up for grabs and I took it. Green, warm, it has an awkward swag that makes it perfect for him and it couldn't fit me better. After our drinking episode we went to the dance, had fun, danced, chewed gum, danced some more, peed, danced more. 11:30 it ended and we were sent back to our respective rooms with a warning this is curfew get caught and you can be disqualified. Our adventure really began.
Me and Larry decided to go crash at Dj's place but her shoes were hurting her feet so we needed to stop by the main house and get a new pair. We get to her room and guess who's there. Her dad. And he wasn't ready to let her go. We finally managed to sneak out racing down the hall way it was great, just the thrill of doing something semi illegal, alcohol on our breaths, smiles on our faces, yolo ringing in our heads. We practically ran the whole way there. Then we just sat there for hours. Listening to music, throwing m&m's, drinking monster, using scotch tape, talking more nonsense, opening the door letting cold in, cuddling, not thinking straight, people coming and going. We later wondered when they had actually left. Larry left around 1 while I sat there not ready to go back to a room full of drunks (they were the ones who brought the shit, and all the other drugs). It was me, Dj, and his roommate Antoniv. They had an m&m war while I ate pringles. And we had this conversation about awkward silences and conversations. And  how they were the best conversations because they could lead to anywhere. You just have to start talking. There was another conversation about everything Dj said could be interpreted as sexual or something. It turned out really funny cause neither of them, especially Dj didn't know what they were talking about. At like 2, their chaperon came in and told me I should probably leave. Good idea cause I was on Dj's bed ready to crash, and just sleep there. So Antoniv walked me back to my place cause Dj was falling asleep. We said good night and for a while I just sat on the stairs txting people.When I finally got in, everyone was passed out drunk on the beds. So I took a shower.
At 3 some friends from the Ukraine camp came and we skyped Jeremy in Australia. I finally went to bed at 4.

Next day we said our good-byes and went our separate ways, by bus, plane and car. All our stuff was packed and we were waiting for the last people to show up. Dj walked over to say bye to us. A chat with the others, a hug for me and a few words exchanged. 6 more weeks till I get to see him again at Christmas in New York again.
We got 6th place. 12 hour drive back was horrible. Got home at 4:30. Woke up at 6 and went to school...

When another journey begins must a different one end?

Oh my. Well Michelle just had a break down about the play. She really wanted it. Reading all these txts she sounds like Ksenia...That is weird. I guess my friends all have something in common in some way or other (mostly the fact that we are all rather bizarre characters). It's really sad, I hope she gets better. I was up talking to her last night for a while.

I just woke up like 20 minutes ago. And it's this feeling that I'm going to new york. That's all I can say. Well bye for now!
Love you all!
Love you Chris, and 1st hour, and theatre, and friends and Emi! Txt me!!!!

something loved in the end will end as ends do come to us

I didn't get in. No part. It's so hard to write this... When Dan called me, as he went through the list I could feel my heart beating louder the steady thump, thump grew louder and suddenly I knew that I wasn't gonna be on that list. I wanted to cry. But you can't cry about everything can you?
It sucks that I'm not gonna be there tomorrow. Then again maybe it's a good thing, I won't start crying in the middle of class or something. 12 hours on a bus doesn't seem so bad at all now. I'll just txt people, do my homework and read.

I can't get away in this school. There are places to hide but they can be so hard to reach. And most are outside. It doesn't help when you're wearing short sleeves. I kept running into people it was horrible. I just wanted to get away from it all. But you can't! There's too many people here!

Ivanovich came back! I literally screamed when I saw him, and freaked out, scaring everyone else in the process. We passed notes all of class it was nice to talk to him again. Emily was comparing Chris to a blank piece of paper. Her thoughts: he's empty, and boring.
Me: You can fill the piece of paper and white is a pretty color. It's like snow.
Her: Snow it's just pretty, other than that it's cold, numbing, and it doesn't last.
Me: Snow is pretty, it's simple and it's pure. All of these things are just like him. Like snow.
Then out teacher yelled at us to be quiet.

The color of the sky: Crisp, and clear, tinted with grey. Forecasting cold.
I miss you.

I wish I had seen Chris today. Or Jess. So that I had something recent, happy to hold on to, but reaching out into todays memories there's only empty air to hold on to. Holes in your heart are hard to fill and you can never truly fix them. But time is merciless and keeps moving, you either get up and catch up or your left behind, and it become much harder. So when you fall in love remember there is more to life than love. If you've lost everything else there is always the adventure leading to love...

The library books we forgot to return still turned to those pages we hold so dear

Auditions were today!!!!!! OMG! I was so scared. I warmed up after a the first cold reading. But it was so hard. My first audition, probably since I didn't know what I was getting into and there weren't as many people seemed so much easier. This one was so frikking hard! And I really want to do this show. And so does everyone else. I was just texting my friend who's good but he's worried he didn't get a part and I'm worried and everyone else on fb is worried the cast list (hopefully) comes out tomorrow. I feel like this is so important and tomorrow we're gonna be standing there feeling that empty feeling, "when someone else got the last jelly filled doughnut, or that hot chick" Dan. Ahhhhhhhhh. I am not going to be able to concentrate!

Failed my math retake on monday. Got a B on my latin test. My french teacher was gone and we have a test on MONDAY! English was eh.  IVANOVICH WAS SUSPENDED! For a fight!! What The Hell. I wanted to talk to him. Meh.
Got caught copying homework in class. Teacher pissed. She took our homework away. So glad I have a weekend to let things blow over. I'm going to New York! It's for this Ukrainian thing. I get to see all my friends! Basically it's this big competition to see which state is the best and smartest. It's gonna be a blast (minus the 12 hour bus ride, but that's not too bad)!

Chris talked to me today! It was the strangest thing. Walking up the stairs with Michelle I felt someone squeezing my leg, the way Moya or someone would do to tickle me. I'm surprised I didn't scream, cause I am so ticklish. It was Chris. The usual hey girl, hey you was exchanged. We left him at his class room. Two minutes we see him walking down the hall from the other direction. Ninja! He winks multiple times at me, clearly as a joke, teasing. Then the soccer update.
"Sweden tied Germany!"
"I know! I saw part of that game! It was great. Ukraine TIED Moldova. It was horrible we totally should have won!"
"Moldova?! What the hell. Come on! (muttering) Moldova."
Life's been getting better. I'm really glad that I can just talk to him.

The color of the sky: There was something more, fulfilling in the sky today. A deeper blue filling out the painting of our dreams. The perfect sky to begin a journey.

Obama won. And I need a shower.

a blue valentine on a christmas day celebrated at new years

11:44...I think a part of me still loves you, even though we're moving on. 

How the hell did he take this? I don't get it. But I don't really want to comment on it for social reasons, but I really really want to know! Omg. 
Tutoring was a big relief. I know my stuff and it's so easy compared to math class. 
I got a new computer program and it lets me draw stuff. SO COOl! It's called SketchBookExpress. 
Really want to see Grand Torino. It was playing at the downtown theatre for one day but I missed it.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have to retake my test, and I don't want to see people, it feels like there's so much pressure in going to school tomorrow. Too many responsibilities that I don't want to deal with. 

The color of the sky: Light as if ready to float away on the breeze. The color of a child's balloon, unspecified. Though it has a concrete color the sunlight distorts it making it shimmer like the Mediterranean in the evening. Light blues the color of a baby's room, dark blue the color of a flag left in the wind, teal blue of an album cover, reflective navy black of office windows, white blue of snow, darkening ridged blue of the ocean floor, grey tinted blue of the view out the hotel window, all put together. Like that picture.


It's time I put an end to this story so I can begin a new. Maybe that's what weighs so much.

burnt out candles

Why didn't I publish this...? Dunno. Well here's halloween. October 31st.

It's strange to think that people my age, people I know have had sex with each other. While here I am wishing that I could, while not even having a boyfriend.

Trick or Treat, but before that I went to theatre. Michelle and I sat in the shop for 2 & half hours painting signs and waiting for the paint to dry so that we could paint more. We discussed love, Chris, her crushes, her book which has just been released on Amazon, our futures, people, personalities, jobs and such. It was simple and relaxing like a cup of tea. And we talked about the Mexican food that was for dinner. It was really good!!!!!

Then Emi, Elaina and I went Trick or Treating. At first it felt like an awkward memory or a distant dream, like something was off, not right. It was fun, and I got to know Elaina. But now I have a bunch of candy. I'm gonna get fat.

Back to yesterdays lunch. Do I really need people. I love the attention I get and the love people give me but is it really necessary all those people. I could spend Christmas eve alone, standing on the streets of our town hearing the bells toll away the hours past midnight. The only sign of light are the yellow sepia street lamps that light the empty streets and Christmas lights. Just stand there in the middle of the street watching the snow fall on an undisturbed scene. A moment that seems to last forever. Does that mean that I'm anti social or just out there. But some company would be nice, quiet peaceful undisrupting company that I can sit with read, and drink tea.

I FOUND IT!!!! Danish music! Rasmus Seebach. I found more of his music. I really fell in love with Glad Igen. Well I haven't listened to it for a while, but I looked him up just now and there so much music! Horray for Danish pop.

The color of the sky: A chilling grey, wind swept and carried away from it's cold native lands. It carried waves of doubt instead of rain, clouds of indignation instead of condensates ocean water, storms of emotion instead of lightning and lonely songs instead of thunder.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else notices the color of the sky.

Walking under the arch like every day in a desperate attempt to find him, a chance conversation that could come to pass, was my luck in a gracious mood. Today fate presented two paths I could have said hi, but in that moment the weight of rejection or false sincerity before more false characters was unappealing and not wanting to break the cadence of the music blasting in my ears morphing the voices around me beyond any recognition. As I walked alone towards the school doors I could hear someone screaming my name trying to break the barrier of the music or maybe it was just my imagination protruding into reality loud enough that only I could hear it. Wither way I didn't turn. Slow steps altered so that the echo of my heels was deliberate. Like a movie scene when the soundtrack has died down to a simple piano melody. The cool breeze followed me after the doors had long closed behind me.

pretty impractical shoes on a dreamy blue night

It's calming to get on facebook after a party. There's this calm feeling of relief. All those people are gone, you're left alone with your thoughts, and the pictures of the party. It's like it's own quiet world.

I cried today, for the first time for someone other than myself. We put on a show to commemorate the Ukrainian WW2 freedom fighters. And until we got on that stage I had no idea how powerful and moving our words were. So I cried on stage.

The show's been going really well! I've seen it twice. It's a really good show. So if you'r in the are, come sea Bloody Bess - a tale of piracy and revenge!

Friday I wore my pretty impractical high heels. That was fun. Everyone complimented my shoes. Also 1st hour we screwed around and didn't do anything. Actually we arm wrestled and played ninja. We got swag. (This is with a bunch of freshmen. I love them now.)

Tomorrow going out for breakfast with family friends. Oh joy. And tutoring. Can life get any better?

The color of the sky: A dark dreamy blue. No stars but the faint reflection of light off the stadium lights isn't a bad replacement. It's cold but not unbearable. It has the feel of a calm perfect evening walk after a loud even with friends. Click clack heels on the pavement, a warm sweater, and a purse on our way home.
Where the life we've lived slowly turns to memory and words on paper.