Today was...just wrong. Is there a reason for my being here as who I am? I want to disappear. I hate november...or maybe its just because 1 year ago today she asked me out and I made up my mind that I was leaving everything I knew behind to go hide in corners of this miserably town. I wonder why I never went to the movies...
I finished the book today. Hunting and Gathering. I feel like that's what my life's gonna be like. Not exactly every detail but that story plot. And maybe not that ending. Honestly it's kinda how I want to live. Just drawing people... I really liked that book. Now on to finishing Anna Karenina!
Kill the Messenger has been playing over and over. It fits today. The verge of breaking down and running away again for better or worse. Chris is flirting with a new girl. A senior I know and she's...not the best news. I don't mind her too much but first Phil now Chris...I've seen them before but today they were standing there talking to people and he was playing with her hair. That absent minded movement of his hands. The simplicity of that movement. His sweet blank expression.
I was jealous. But why? There was never anything truly there. It was a perfect open door that had come at the wrong time. Or I was just an idiot not to walk through it. It's all my fault. So I can't be mad at him because he didn't do anything really. My heart break is my fault this time. I should have tried harder. So what's left? Move on and keep the memories carved into your left wrist, where I will always write in sharpie.
Things I missed yesterday: Chris walking with Kelsey towards the counsellor's offices. They were alone in that hallway surrounded by a feeling of intimacy. And all I could think was she's pregnant and their gonna go talk to their counsellor about it. They did it....had sex....my mind kinda blanked after that.
I walked part of the way home with Sam. He's an incredibly attractive young man in my 7th hour. All the girls have a crush on him, even if it's only a little one. He works at the church down the road from my house. We walked and talked about stuff it was really nice for a change. My heels clacking on the cold pavement the beat, his voice keeping up with the tempo, like a quiet melody.
The color of the sky: A thin horizontal rainbow of the last light disappearing into the inky blackness of the night.
Where is my happiness hidden? Where is the key? Chris once asked for it. I brushed it off. If he asked today...would I simple hand it over? What if...I don't want that...
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