13 Die

Goddammit. I think I blew it...but then again who can tell... Goddammit Hamlet. Why? Why! Must you thwart my once certain victory. Must your dreaded yet beautiful words spoil all the spoils that luck bestowed upon me thus. Damn though, I am pissed. It was unlike any other audition minus me being scared like hell. I think I did ok though. My voice makes up for my size. You can't not be in a theatre and not hear me if I'm on stage. Doesn't happen. But I'm scared. More confident than competition but still scared. I don't wanna be a goddam witch!

It snowed. Just snowed and snowed. Like it would never end. Torrents of it, falling down. Pilling up. Mocking us. Laughing. That we didn't get a snow day.

Crystal switched into my art class. Nice group there.

Just finished watching Pitch Perfect for the 2nd time. Another movie I love. It feels like it's been so long since it came out and we went to go see it...
"I spend my time now, not looking forward but looking back..." Never let me go. Things like that always lead up to that line.

Hm...going upstate tomorrow. Ski time! Still need to finish packing though...meh. Um...I'm probably forgetting some stuff that you don't need to know so...night!

The color of the sky: All you could see was snow. The whole sky was filled with falling specks of dust. And I didn't mind. You looked up, then down, then everywhere and it was like heaven. Or a cloud. Floating in the breeze above blue skies. Everything was white, and just standing there you were white too. Snow flakes clinging to everything. Melting into you. And you become one with it. One with the sky.

Braiding hair in a rain storm

Auditions are tomorrow. OH MY DEAR GOD! I want it so bad. I wanted it bad last time but not this bad. It's the Scottish Play, as in Macbeth. We're doing a office, modern, espionage version. Super bloody and I can't wait! The auditions are gender neutral. So that gives me a better shot at things. But the role I really want is Lady Macbeth. She's so cool! And reminds me of characters that Helena Boham-Carter would play. She really inspires me. Well I am terrified and totally psyched! I cannot wait. But I still hope school will be cancelled tomorrow. Knock on wood.

School started again. Michelle is sorta dating that guy she went on a date with last week but who knows. I have two new classes. Art and Algebra 2. I just switched into a different class and it should be a lot better. Actually more than half our class switched out of our 6th hour math. A bunch of classes had new seating charts. That part kinda sucked.

I can't wait till it gets warmer, cause then I can start running. It's too cold out now for that. So I sit here and pin things on pintrest and read and sleep and dream of food. It's actually very nice, or would be minus the school. I think I got rid of the writers block, we'll see about that tomorrow.

The color of the sky: Vibrant blue, almost the color of New York neon street signs. Flashing. A girl wearing a skirt on a windy day. Or a broken street lamp. Take you pick. Then darkness. Swallowing up the light. A camera with a flash. Going off then black. Waiting for the next shot....and there it is!

That's where you'll find me

Writer's block. That's what I've got. That irritating little bug that just eats up all that writing before it can come pouring out of your mind. It sucks. That's probably the reason I get depressed in March. Well now in February. All that writing that people expect me to do. But I just can't ok. I kinda hope I don't get accepted to the writing programs...cause then I'll be able to stay here for TOP and other stuff.

I don't want to sleep. I want to walk, but there is no way my dad would let me. School starts tomorrow. I want to just sit here and have time to read, draw, walk, maybe even write. But I don't have that time and I won't have it until at least 3 weeks from now. I don't mind facing the world right now but I want time...that's all.

Color of the sky: A thick mist, a veil surrounding our town like a bubble. Arising from the ground and drifting up into the atmosphere. It's kinda eerie, like that path down that old unused road where they told you faeries live...
And now the rain washes the illusions away leaving only streaks on my window and a concrete road.

Happend...it became. So it was written. That's the story. That is what was. Here are the events which end now. I dunno. The word just sounded pretty.

Receipts which we never intend to pay

I need something to write. It's for those college summer programs. They require writing samples. So I sat here and looked though files and files of online work. Read through this blog. Went through old note books and folders full of unfinished sort stories. Nothing. Ya know when I wrote them I thought that they were actually pretty good. Not anymore. But just now while browsing on Pintrest I found this:

Maybe it would work...Sure it's not my idea, but maybe...
I haven't written anything in a long time though. We'll see what happens.

My brother had a snow day. And my dad was working. So we all went to my grandma's, where we watched T.v and played scrabble with my grandpa. We also baked cookies but we didn't get to finish. So I guess that means we're going back tomorrow.
I started soccer again. For the club. I was so out of breath. I guess that means I've got to start running.

The color of the sky: Swirling clouds like steam rising from hot tea. Tiny rain drops, becoming mist as they hit the freezing ground. A constant drizzle like a summer day in land's we've only dreamt of.

Forever a pile of unread books

People are constantly changing like the seasons, why did I think things would stay the same?

Just a thought. My room's almost clean now that's a good thing. Minus the ginormous pile of books by my bed the floor is pretty clean. I was looking though old pictures of camp back in New York almost 4 years ago. Gosh that seems so long ago... We all look so young, and immature and I just wonder what has become of us. It's all just so strange. We grew up so fast...

I lost my phone. I have no idea where it is. Hopefully I left it in either my dad's or Isaac's car. Or at school. Hopefully I didn't leave it at either districts or in the snow somewhere. I miss my phone...

What do I want? What do people normally want? Happiness, money, power...I suppose. Sitting here I wonder. Happiness...well it's got pros and cons right. Cause with happiness comes sorrow. Without happiness you have to set out and find it, the adventures that come with unhappiness... So, do I want to be happy? I know I want to be skinni, do theatre, read, draw. Are the components of life so simple?

The color of the sky: Dark, dripping with icy winds and powdered sugar. Sweeping before windows. The white snow is so clear in the blackness. Dancing under street lamps. And somewhere children are praying for a snow day, and teenagers are praying for no snow day so they don't have to face their siblings at 7 in the morning running and screaming that there is no school.

Painted doors that are maybe windows

"Hey look it's a door." He usually doesn't sound so cheerful and carefree, usually he's lost in the world of theatre where everything has to be right. I laugh.
"Can we go outside?" Our eyes meet for a split second, and the tiniest hint of something is exchanged.
"Lets try" He runs towards the wall, and nothing happens when he pushes on the painted door handles. After all it's just a painted wall. "Guess not. But really why would they put a door there. Just makes you want to run through it."
"Maybe their just messing with us." We both laugh even though there's nothing that funny about it. "Hey! What if it isn't really a door." I say nonsensically.
"What?" He looks at me funny but the smile is still on his face. "Oh! Maybe it's a window!"
"But we're on the first floor!"

Gosh we had so much fun. I could relate countless of conversations we had. So many times we spent laughing, throwing jokes around, teasing each other, talking about that painted door that one never grew old. Nick expanding his ego as usual. Nicole and Michelle and Nadia talking, freaking out, all holding hands. Eleanor watching a group of us with a questioning look while we sang Disney songs, and knew all the words. Matt and I laughing about stupid things that weren't even funny. Isaac and George talking. Mathew and the donuts. Everything just coming together perfectly. I never wanted it to end.

Well Regionals are in two weeks. And I really can't wait to go! 
Nothing else really has happened. Now I'm just sitting here cleaning my room. The end.

Gooooood Morning!

So I'm up! And in an incredibly cheerful mood right now. I couldn't sleep at all! Well I did but I was so excited! I think it was the alarm clock on my phone. I set it so that it would play music instead of vibrate it was so cool!
Made breakfast. Oatmeal with almonds and it tastes so good! It's the perfect mix. Gonna eat a lot since the rest of the day's just snacks and little things and Theatre!!!! Oh my gosh it's so exciting!
I had to call a bunch of people. Wake up call. It was pretty funny. Most of them I was their alarm. They were waking up to my annoying voice. Sucks to be them I suppose. A few people were awake and it was really helpful. In less than an hour we'll all be at the school packing up the last few items and "hitting the breeze!", it's a line from our show.
Wish us luck!

Drifting through time

We are one hellofa messed up, beautiful and best family ever. I love theatre. It's just been so much fun these past few days. And tomorrow is competition! Can't wait!!!! Oh my gosh! Get to wake up at 5 in the morning but whatever it's going to be great!

Today I woke up at 1. I haven't slept so long in forever. Went shopping for ski boots. Went to theatre.
Now that I think about it, it is a crush but also I'm just interested in Matt. Interested as in  "showing curiosity or concern about something or someone; having afeeling of interest"

Tomorrow...I hope time stops. And I will be so happy. 

The color of the sky: They drifted down from giant balloon masses in the sky. Each a unique pattern engraved on his parachute. Falling, a brigade of soldiers on a mission to conquer the earth. And they fell. Covering the land, taking over every bit of open area. The unlucky ones fell on the roads of giants where they were slaughtered, their bodies dumped in heaps by the sides of bloody trails. The rest clustered on roof tops, watching their comrades below. 

Well now, time for bed. Good night.

Holes...eventually they grow so big that they'll rip you apart

Another day another destiny...
French and Math finals. I suppose it all went ok until my dad started yelling about french and then I started crying over life. And once I start crying it can be pretty hard to stop. Cause one depressing thing leads to another and it's just a chain reaction! It sucks! But I managed to get most of it out of my system.
The problem is I don't want to play high school soccer, and on my way to dropping my french stuff off I saw them training. It was horrible. I didn't want to leave the car. It just felt wrong. I'm probably, most likely, almost 100% sure that I will not be playing high school soccer, cause of theatre. But I've told everyone and everyone just automatically expects me to play cause I'm good. I know people kinda tell you that to be nice, but I am...and that makes me feel like I owe them something, like their depending on me being there. And by god I just don't want to deal with it! I want to do it by myself, loose weight and everything else. I'm not sure if you'll see what I'm trying to say. I've been doing it with almost everything else. Pushing people away and doing it on my own. I know it's not entirely right or fair but I feel like I really am closing doors and betting my life on art, New York, dreams that have nothing to back them, no money, no connections, nothing but dreams....and I know that if I want to reach these places I'm gonna have to do it on my own, it's a road though desolate fields of wheat, where the only road is a rough one full of mud and hills and mountains and it's my journey to take.

My Week With Marilyn. Very good movie. I really liked it. She is so beautiful!
The Red Baron. Another very good movie. I love period pieces. He's also really really attractive. Why was I born in this period.......I wanna fly a WW1 fighter plane! Oh why now?!

Theatre was fun. Rid me of all that stress. So I think I have a crush on Matt. I mean he's fairly good looking, and funny when he wants to be, but serious. Oh so serious. But he's cool, I like his car. Maybe I could get to actually know him before he leaves. Cause he is a senior. I hope this doesn't get out of hand, like Jess and stuff. Please just a crush that I can get over or something. Cause the best things come, when you least expect them.

The color of the sky: A pearly white, laced with light fluffy clouds sewn on by golden thread. The binding of a fairy tale book. The script of a happy ending. Something magical. Beautiful.

Inspired, depressed, wondering. Walking down the street, red sneakers on white snow. Cold, but alive. Sometimes I wonder wether it is better to feel like your dying than to feel dead. At least you know that your alive.

drawing of naked girls, men and other

Shiiiiiiiit. I have an A- in science. This sucks. Not that I would normally care, but my mom does, and she's going to yell at me and kill me, and I don't want  to die just yet.

Today was rather boring. I didn't see many people and didn't really do anything. Got an 88 on my health final. A in the class. Woo.
Emi and I went to study at the library again. Got a lot done until these two guys started talking on the phone with their "baby mama" it was messed up. Normally I wouldn't mind and their drama was interesting for a while, but people it's the library so shut up! They just talked and talked for a whole hour. So we left and went to get Thai food. It was pretty good. I've had better, but good for a chain restaurant.

Finals tomorrow are going to suck. French and math. Wish me luck, cause I'll probably fail. Now I just want to sleep. I really need to...

The color of the sky: Like the lights coming up on an stage curtain. Those mysterious golden godlike lights that are ready to tell you a story. Clouds like the heavy curtain placed before the audience, the cover of a book before the tale...

Been drawing quite a bit lately. I've really got the human body down, but now I can't draw the faces....it's a phase. Happens all the time...hopefully art next semester will help. But human bodies are so pretty....

Studio Killers! Loveeeeee! Their singles just came out and I love them! Can't wait to hear more!

The man in the window

First day of finals. It was so cold when I woke up this morning. School was even colder. It's like they wanted to freeze us. As if finals weren't enough. Actually after all that studying with Emi last night I think I can say that I passed, with good grades.

What we did last night...
We went to the downtown library and studied, almost 4 hours straight. We took a few 15-30 minute breaks on which we discovered a book with secret codes pointing toward the white house...hm...guys watching porn on library computers, and couples making out in quiet rooms. We got a lot done. Closing time at 9 we left heading towards Panera. We got there only to find out that it was closing. But the guy gave me a free cookie. So we set out again looking for a cafe. We must have passed 10 people dressed in costumes, bondage punk, ears and tails, police uniforms before we started wondering what was going on. A club theme night. We walked up and asked some guy in like. We must have looked so tiny and immature, little kids. Running across the street we settled in the window sill of a cafe watching as people dress in all sorts of costumes went by.

Well today we went to study again, but we just couldn't keep on track. There was a guy doing Tai chi in the corner, a lady taking pictures of pictures in a book and it looked like she was taking pictures of us, this cute guy with a yellow scarf on the second floor, and a guy with super sagging pants that looked and walked like Mathew. So we went to the cafe where I usually get mango pudding. We got food and tried to study. I read my french book while Emi studied spanish. There was this guy in the window across the street and I couldn't figure out what he was doing. So I started waving. So did Emi. After a while we stopped and just watched him. There were other people too. It was so weird. Eventually he went back to the window and we waved and he waved back. We saw a bunch of other weird people there too. A guy with 1 arm, a well dressed man talking about a proposal and a girl, a fat man crossing the street with grey over grown hair on the sides of his head, a girl screaming bloody murder, and runners in neon yellow.

Went home, didn't study, I mean my final tomorrow is health so whatever. Worked out a lot, didn't eat anything, browsed the web, chatting on fb now with other bored people.

Tomorrow should be another fun day.

The color of the sky: Black canvas, gauzy clouds float by like paper boats on an ocean of stars. There's so many of them. Scattered like bits of glass that can never be put back together.

I feel like I'm letting go of the things that are holding me back. I'm living in the present and focusing on the things I can achieve myself. Am I growing up? or just dreaming different dreams... in any case, good night and good luck to all you people with finals tomorrow or any time soon!

Cars that look like old shoes

It feels weird not to have been on here for a long time. Actually scratch that it's kinda calming. I had to cut something to be able to sleep and get things done, it just happened to be the blog this time. Although if it helps I haven't been on fb for 2 weeks.

So much has happened, or at least it seems like it. It feels like this week has been a lifetime in itself, again. Tech week went by, and it was fun, exciting, I didn't have homework. Our shows went great! And I'm really excited for competition to begin. We've been learning the Hakka for competition. It's frikking awesome! Meridith looks cute with her hair in curls. We also curled Dan's hair. He looks like a girl! Nick we think likes Michelle, and they'd be really cute together. Isaac still likes me, we think. George and Chloe are perfect with each other. David is the weirdest and awesomest kid ever he's from Switzerland. Dan likes Larissa. And something is going on with my mind or with Matt (not Mathew). So one day I just kinda noticed him. Larissa used to like him. And well now I just notice him looking at me every once in a while. I'm sure it's just my imagination...but it's weird. I like his car though. It looks like and old 1940's shoe.

My parents were out at a ball and Emi and I stayed at my house together. First we went on a walk to Bushes and CVS where we got candy and make up. Walked home, did a really great photo shoot in my bathroom. We drew stuff on our faces with eyeliner. It looked sick! Then we took emo pictures in the bath tub. We couldn't stop laughing.

What else....Oh I decided that I don't want to play soccer for school. I want to stick with theatre. It means so much to me. And I don't want to leave those people behind for something that I don't love as much. I don't want to keep wasting this precious time...

And now I'm just sitting here "studying" for finals. I really should study though...Meh. It was snowing outside. Big fluffy snow that just rains down endlessly...

The color of the sky: White clouds, borderline on light grey and purpleish. In the distance the clouds turn into this soft baby blue purple color that's mixed with dark ink. The color of a room that's unused, the attic atop a mansion...a secret hide out from the world. It has that kind of a romantic color.

Dreaming with the lights on

This sucks. By the time I get home all the ideas have run out of my head and all I want to do is sleep.
I even had a good title for today....

I feel much better after yesterday and feeling like crap. Freezing, sniffling, drinking tea non stop then running to the bathroom.
I slept through 1st hour with my earphones in not having a care in the world, until Stepan started kicking my chair. Gosh I could have just turned around and slapped him.

A middle school teacher died today. All the kids who knew him walked around like living dead. I've seen it before and probably will again, but it always puts a damper your mood for the rest of the day. Chris knew him... It's kinda awkward for the rest of us, cause we can only say we're sorry and move on. Honestly there's nothing you can really do, cause even I'm sorry doesn't help it just creates silence.

We actually accomplished something 7th hour. My group actually worked on the project! And we got shit done! I'm so happy!

Theatre weren't better today. It was just more fun. Maybe that's cause I wasn't totally miserable due to illness. Talked to people, ate a lot of cookies and addictive brownies, did stuff, talked to Nicole who I love! And I actually can't wait till tomorrow. That's rare for tech week.
And I don't have home work! Yay.

I feel like my voice sounded funny today...maybe it's just me and my cold/flu/virus stuff.

The color of the sky: Light streaming though patches of baby blue, clearings in massive forests of white. Or melting snow, patches where snow drops will bloom. Brining the hope of spring with them.

I've been sleeping really well. Especially when I start thinking about me in the near future and how I want to see myself, who I want to be. It calms me down. Also not thinking about D.j and worrying about the what if's and possible situations.

Gossip by Breathe Carolina. Love.

Sometimes I wonder if happiness isn't the thing I'm looking for

I was sick today. Woke up dizzy, disoriented, sea sick, ready to throw up, with a head ache and an oncoming cough. I barely made it though the morning schedule of tutoring. The coffee that I ordered didn't help at all. In fact it made my head spin even more, I bet that's what it's like to walk while being drunk. The ibu profane helped after a while.
I spent the afternoon working out and working on my portfolio for english. I actually got a lot done!
Evening I worked on the programs and actually got them done in 3 hours! It was such a good feeling to have the director say, "way to go only two more corrections then send it in, and I love the cover". I was so happy! Also I finished my math!

It's true. 

The color of the sky: Inky black and thought the window with the lights on I can only see my own reflection and pearls of water strung on the netting of my window. 

Freshman walking past my house at 10 pm

Wow I love looking back on my old posts. They really mean so much to me. I really am so glad I started this when I did. Frankly though life was a bit more interesting then. I'm sure it will get better soon. It's just a small calm on a turbulent river.

I'm so tired I just want to pass out on the bed.

Ukrainian school today wasn't bad. We actually got along, all of us, for the most part. Playing pranks, eating rice crispy treats, teasing one another and cheating on tests.

Got a new Breathe Carolina album. It's so good! I love them!

Wen't out and took pictures with Emi that was fun! And it was so warm out! I gotta email her tomorrow....

Working on programs...

The color of the sky: The night was alive with the scent of spring. Reminding me of tropical lands, and the distant smell of the ocean. Walking under the calm black sky unaccompanied by stars, only white clouds reflecting the city lights, the air brushed against us, slipping between our loose clothing, and dancing along our bare skin, refreshing like lapping ocean waves. It was like walking through Puerto Rico at night, a calm yet exciting feeling, one of being in this unknown place tingling with unseen wonders.

And such

Don Jose is kinda like the guy from Night at the Museum. Ya'know the main character.

This week went by so fast. Dakota and I were talking and we just can't believe it. He also gave me a lolly pop. It was really really sweet. Like the kind of candy I would sometimes eat as a child.

Dan came to my health class to present about GSA. Afterwards we just sat and talked about his relationships. Did I tell you that he likes Larissa!? The exchange student from last year that I love so much! Also Dan was complaining about Chris, cause he was making a mess the last hour, talking about religion and what not. He asked if I was going to ask Chris to prom someday. Where did that come from?

It was so nice outside. Mari, Jose and I were walking outside a bit for a change. It felt like spring. With the melting snow and light jackets. Even the smell of rain, lingered through out the entire building. And it was so refreshing and perfect.

Ivanovich wants to write my story...about D.j and camp and snow and such.

Theatre today sucked. I just couldn't sit there and listen to them. So I curled up in a ball under a table and tried to sleep though it. It was hard. I could hear their words, even when I clogged my mind with thoughts and tried to sleep. And now I have a whole week of this ahead of me.

The color of the sky: Dark and rainy, accompanied by the smell of the latter and rushing winds. Later turning a gauzy white, in a light fog that clouded the view outside.

I am almost 16...independent...that just dawned on me.

A drowsy tinkling lulls the distant folds...

There's less and less to write....
Life's actually going good.
Eating well, doing homework, getting sleep, no stress, working out, reading a ton, online, making my own food, dreaming, not expecting things just living life.
Slowly slowly...every thing's going to be perfect...that's kinda sad, cause then what will I write about?
'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.'

The color of the sky: A distant, drowsy light banana peach with a hint of pale blue food coloring. 

Elegy in a Church Yard. Learning it for extra credit. It's so beautiful.

Short and not so sweet (a bit sour from the kiwi's)

I feel like I'm starting to fail. I gained weight....I'm suppose to be loosing weight...I think it's the pizza that threw me off. I lied, I ate like 4 pieces, but they were small ok. Now I feel bad, so more exercises less food!!! I'm trying, guess I just need to try harder.

After 7th hour, Don Jose, Mari and I were walking to no where in particular. At first I thought he was going up to our latin class to re take a test or something, but then we walked past. We kept walking in circles and talking for quite some time before any one of us noticed that we were all following one another. So we turned around and went down to the band room. We told random stories and just weird stuff. It was pretty funny. But I really can't figure out if he likes one of us or we're all just friends. For some reason I think he likes one or the other of us, I mean why would he do this other wise? It's weird. I told some pretty weird ass stories today hopefully he likes Mari. That would be really good.

Theatre was hell and heaven today. It's hard but really rewarding work. And we're all bonding really well. I'm so looking forward to competition!

The color of the sky: A light blue like clean sheets spread out on a child's bed in the morning sunlight.

Sneaking kiwi's through pages of books, glancing fugitively around to see if the librarian would notice. That's how I ate my lunch today.

Feeling sore is such a nice accomplished feeling.

Black jeans

I ate so much today! I feel bad...not quite like I'm failing myself for eating so much, but just kinda down. It sucks. I'll eat less tomorrow!

I met Valentina today. Ivanovich has been telling me about her. She's Ukrainian. Adopted but doesn't speak the language. I really like her, she seems like a cool person. She's also really pretty, and really skinni. High school role model. I wanna look like her!

She was trying to get Ivanovich to eat the cookies she bought him but he was refusing and running away. It was so funny! And somehow, maybe due to the accents, it reminded me of Anna Karenina. Or maybe that's just my brain making stupid connections again. It was fun.

Theatre's going so well, though all we do now is practise putting up and taking down the set. But it's fun and hard work. 

Why is science so complicated, like electron arrangement and stability and shit...

I walked by Chris in the hallway. I was walking but yelling something to someone behind me, as he passed by he took my arm, using it as a guide to get through the crowded mess. I caught him as he was disappearing into the crowd. So I guess I do exist to him...I wish we could play soccer again, like the good old days. But wishing ain't gonna get you no where, so I just gotta work hard and pray it pays off.

The color of the sky: Red, well more like pink, growing out of the mid upper horizon. Spreading forth like lava across the hazy lavender sky. 

Take me to Wonderland with you Mr.Cat

First day back at school. And I have to admit, it wasn't all too bad, just a tad bit lonely.
I really am trying to make school useful since I have to go anyways, but I miss the people and after ski camp I realised how little company I keep during the day. I can jump from people to people but there's only a few people who I can really talk to, it's not like our rooms, with our midnight chats and berserk phone calls...nor is it like those drunken nights during the New York weekend, where you just talk about nonsense and love every minute of it. So school's ok.

Theatre's going well too, we're working on putting the sets up and down, hard work, but it's actually a lot of fun. The excitement of working back stage.

I think if you really believe something hard enough you can make it not only seem possible but be possible though your actions. Not everything, but some things... That makes me happy and feel in control of something.

Soccer practise went well. I feel like I'm just filling pages with useless details that are watered down and uninteresting. Probably cause they don't interest me at the moment. All I'm worried about is weight, then school, then soccer and theatre but even those aren't that big...oh well I suppose Adventure is hiding for now, maybe it will come back soon.

The color of the sky: It was gorgeous this morning! It looked like a scene from Alice In Wonderland, the Tim Burton version. Dark satin blue sky, tinted with a mystic swirling purple. The clouds drifted across the sky swiftly like a storm approaching. Running across the sky, across the face of the moon which was a perfect Cheshire grin, gleaming down at me. I could see the thin black outlines of it's teeth the clouds crossed his face. Or was he disappearing again...you know you can never trust a cat that smiles.

It is frikking cold in this house! Oh and I actually got my homework done.

Dirty water and soap

"Hey mom, aren't these like the prettiest and coolest shoes!" He can hear the girls high pitched voice as she heads with her mother towards the door.
"Nah." Come the stern reply.
"But their victorian! And the laces..." Her voices trails off as she exits the shop, the only proof that she was ever there is tinkles of bells when the door closes behind her.

Yeah we went looking for more shoes with my mom after a stop at the grave yard to finish the science project thing.
We were in Detroit earlier for Ukrainian scouts and church. I led one of the programs and it's one more thing done till 3rd level (it's on my new years resolution list).
We ate at a dinner. Eggs, hash brown and toast. I think I ate a good amount. I've been trying to keep better track of the food I eat, I'll probably end up adding that to the other blog...

I had a dream last night about ski camp, and D.j, Lesia, Julie, Rags, and everyone else...I miss them...

School tomorrow. Already dreading it, and praying that I'll survive 132 days. It's like the count down to Christmas all over again.

The color of the sky: A thick sheet of grey. Someone in the sky left their bed sheets out to dry, and their covering the entire sky. Their soaking up the sunlight and dripping dirty water and white bubbles down on us.

Are we going up or just going down?

It really sucks when you can feel yourself mentally sinking down back into the slump you were in before, back to that depressing, deadly close state of impeding doom and potential suicide.
I really don't want to go back to school. Back to the endless expectations, workload, commands, and disappointment. Once again, I'm just wishing I could be in New York, with everyone, living life in the happiest most perfect way like at ski camp.

The hardest part is to get started...

Postering around town didn't suck too bad. I was with Sarae she can get really annoying but if you just give her a chance and be patient with her it's fine.

Driving around with my dad on errands. We stopped in Ferndale to go to the vintage stores there. It was so incredible! There's so much beautiful STUFF! It was so cool! Well I had a lot of fun with that and we got bagels.

Now I'm waiting to see if my mom is in a good mood and will let me watch My Week With Marilyn with them.

The color of the sky: Like the bottom of a lake, scattered with white pebbles. In some places the lake is too deep, too murky to see the bottom, in other places it's so clear that every stone is perfectly defined. And the water, it's a clear light blue perfect for a summer swim.

Well despite all these downs at least my diet/weight loss/self motivational blog is working! And so is my weight loss plan. Yay.

More hats and swag and roses too

Today I bought a hat.
I wanted to get one that was like D.j's, a beanie. But I couldn't find one, so I got one that's similar. It's got the same shape and such but it's lighter and softer and it's a dulled rose color. I think it suits me.

Went to the graveyard with Emi and a girl named Nicole. She's super nice and I like her, too bad I don't have any classes with her. Well we were at the grave yard about 45 minutes freezing our fingers and toes off before we called it quits and went to meet Ivanovich. Stopping along the way to get Pannera (I didn't get any, sad face) cause I though I'd eat at eastern accents, but it was closed. So we walked around random stores looking at the trinkets and buying hats. I told Ivanovich my story and he seems please enough with my little bit of progress. I also made up part of it so that it would seem a bit better. I told him D.j kissed my head at the end when we were saying our good-byes. Actually I didn't lie, he might have, though I'm not sure and kinda doubt it but maybe, who knows.
My mom called and made me come back to the grave yard when I told her we gave up. It sucked. I was cold and slowly accumulating a state of depression. We got about half done, so I have to go back tomorrow. I wish break would just never end.

Watched E.T with the family. That is a really good movie.

Going to read now, and pray that I survive 5 months more of high school.

The color of the sky: Black and endless, but not black it's the color of city sky, reflecting shattered bits of light back though the shutters keeping you up all night with their faint light that can't be turned off.

Welcome to a new World

Let's see...what happened today?
I'm trying to remember but it feels like it was mostly, homework, boring dentists appointment (although I did see the head dentist lady laugh about something! she never laughs. She's just this stern lady that should have been an english head mistress), and looking at summer programs.

Summer programs. So this summer along with the Ukrainian camp, and possible trip to Italy there is the option of me going to a summer college program.
Possibilities that mom and I have run down to are:
1.Kenyon writing program
2. Iowa Young Writers Studio
3. Summer in the city, Barnard College, New York
4. Hillsdale study abroad, England 1 week
5. Alfred University writing program

Iowa sounds good, so does the Hillsdale, but there is also New York. The city of my dreams. It's in Manhattan too! Lady Luck permit it I could see D.j. He doesn't live that far probably, ok, it's like an hour walk (yes I know where he lives it's in the address book from camp). Plus it's New York! And the program seems pretty good, 1 week in New York, what more do I need to say.
I'm still trying to decide though...

Also blog update! I'm starting a new blog for 5 months, but this is still the main blog and where I'm going to write everything pertaining and not pertaining to my life. The other one, like I mentioned earlier, is motivational/weight loss/I-am-going-to-be-skinni-and-happy-and-more-confident-so-god-help-me.

The color of the sky: Plaster like grey blue, with cracks between the clouds. A ceiling ready to be repainted. Or broken down so that we can actually see the sky.

Meeting Ivanovich for Mango Pudding tomorrow!

Follow the beat of the drums

New Years resolutions that I made two nights ago while in the car reminiscing and almost crying:
1. loose 19 lbs by May
2. Pass my finals
3. clean room (and keep it clean)
4. Learn to face tomorrow and stop running away from things
5. confidence, speak up, be myself (find myself)
6. survive 10th grade (with A's)
7. Wait, don't fall in love with anyone else and grow to be the girl he can like or be proud of
8. finish my Ukrainian 3rd part for camp (it's hard to explain in english)
9. Keep my head up and never give up
10. live life like there's no tomorrow
11. Never stop believing or looking for wonderland (or magic and such)
Side note is my virginity but that can wait.

It's going to be a great year! I completely with every part of myself believe this. And I know that I will stick to these resolutions and achieve all my goals. It's gonna be a long road with many ups and downs, but I will keep going and this is going to happen, because for once I can achieve these things with my own will. And they will happen.

I'm contemplating whether or not to start another blog for the next 5 months, like a diet/motivational/weight loss  blog so that I can have a sort of insurance that I don't give up. Because first I'm not going to give up, if I do I will never forgive myself; second, I'm not going to let everyone else see that I failed. So I'm not making up any more excuses and I'm going to see this through.

Today I went shopping for shoes with my dad! It was for the show and neither of us had much of an idea as to what we were doing. But it was fun! Walking into all those thrift and vintage stores, my eyes just start wandering and I don't know where to look or what to look at and it's just all so beautiful! It was fun!

I forgot to post this about ski camp. It was during the last 2 days I think.
I didn't describe the pain. It's cold, like knives being thrust into my lower shins. I bet this is what the little mermaid felt while dancing with the prince. But her pain was for love, mine is just for nothing. What's the use of pain without a purpose?
D.j posted a trailer for his ski camp video. I though I was going to cry again. I miss everyone so much!

The color of the sky: A dark almost pumpkin hue along the edges. The rest shrouded in a witches dark purple black cloak.  A shining white lantern guiding her way.

I went to Emi's today! Just got back! I have't seen her in so long, or so it seems like. I was so glad to see her. We played banana grams and boggle? I think that's what it was called. And I talked to her mom and brother and dad, he normally doesn't talk much to me...Well everything seems to be going well over there. Emi makes things better and more livable while I wait to go back to my perfect fantasy world in New York.

Wait for me at the end of the world in a place where it snows

There's so much to say about my last days of this year. They have been the most wonderful and perfect and happy and messed up and everything else days ever!

Night of the 29th was insane! Rags, over several very weird and funny phone calls told me that he wanted to make out with me. It was kindof just for the hell of it kind of thing, since the girl he likes gave him the friend zone. Well I freaked out a bit since I like D.j and he's there then things would get complicated. But with all the pressure and just basic fact that the next day was our last and maybe we could make it through I said "ok". 3 Am after a LifeTime movie me and Julie (one of my room mates, the others were Christi, not to be confused with Christine, and Lesia) gossiped, discussed boys, I finally told her that I like D.j and we went to bed. I don't think any night we got more than 4 hours of sleep, we made up for that on the hour to and from the ski slopes.

The last day skiing (this is yesterday the 30th) was the best. Me and my new found friend Christine went skiing at the very top, we started out and just went with it. Going down deserted trails, telling stories of love on ski lifts and racing towards bathrooms of unknown location. Found ourselves on ski chair #69, and trudging across flat stretches of white surrounded by a winter wonderland. Best skiing ever. My shins barely hurt and it was so fulfilling to be able to ski all those black diamonds.

Next the dance. I was well scared and excited. Right before though Rags calls and says,  hey I'm having second thoughts. Me ok! that's fine, moving on. It was so much fun! 2 hours jumping up and down singing till our voices ran out and then some. It's like letting go of everything and just dancing, you don't need to think you just be happy for what you've got right there in your grasp for those fragile few moments. I wore my pretty kinda lacy layered blue and grey shirt that has flowers on it. My hair I managed to curl and I couldn't stop smiling.
12:00 we snuck into D.j's room to watch Dr.Who. I'm really addicted to it. We watched the episode with the angles. It was so fucking scary. Lesia's brother explained it through the episode, while we watched our mouths open scared shitless by the weeping angels. In the middle of it D.j gets ups and takes off his pants. It was so funny, I just couldn't take my eyes off him! Also he like the sweat shirt.
We had to walk back to our rooms after that with warnings of, "Don't let the angels get you!"
I fell asleep holding the hat I borrowed from D.j.

I wish we never had to leave. Hugs and kisses and long good-byes. At one point we all were sitting in one room, laughing and making plans for next year. The best part was walking though these adjoining rooms, it was this line of kids while the inhabitants looked on confused while we just laughed. Hagging people and saying good-bye was the hardest. 5 months till we see each other again.

 Now I'm home, with all those memories and drawings and words I won't forget. Flirting, flings, love, laughter, stories, everything we experienced in those 5 days. I'll never forget, and I'll wait. I promise the next time you see me I'll try even harder and be someone you can be proud of if not love too.

As the city of Detroit grows closer across the Ambassador bridge and New York gets further and further away...
Good night, sweet dreams, and happy new years.