JUNE

"My mind won't grasp that June is in just over four hours. School's almost over =D"
There's only 4 hours until June begins. And the count down to the end of school. I don't want it to end. I've had the time of my life, and I'm scared that if I leave now I can never go back. Like I'll have to leave everything behind. 2 weeks. I can't fit all my adventures all the words I want to say into that little time span. Life does get faster at the bottom. I'm forever going to miss freshman year 2nd semester. I promise I will never forget.

Call me maybe. This is me and Dan's little joke. We were both dancing to the song during a scene change. And it went from there. He's a co actor in the play with me. He's actually a really nice and funny guy, and weird. Totally obsessed with Katy Perry.

And it RAINED today! Just a drizzle but it was nice.

The color of the sky: soft metallic grey clouds covered the rainy blue white sky. They matched the cold breeze that ran around town. It felt like the winter we had this year. Quiet, invisible, lonely.
I wished I had my maroon, blue plaid scarf on. With leggings and a brown fuzzy boots... and snow.

winter. hey he looks kinda like Jess. <3

Hell and life (tech weeek)

It's tech week once again. And we're having one hell of a time moving really heavy sets, memorising lines, and walking around on high heels. 

Chris #2 has a girlfriend. He holds hands with her in the hall. And she looks happy. And he looks happy. He talked to me today, he didn't sound happy at all. Recently we were texting, I really don't know why. And he told me he still like me. But he has a girlfriend. This guy has issues. I stopped caring. 

Jess....my god me and Sophia had the best time. We ran into him outside of the food shop across my second school (Sophia goes to my afternoon school). We'd just bought strawberries and angel food cake. He was holding a news paper. We wouldn't stop laughing for 15 minutes. 

Later that day, Sophia freaked him out completely. We were walking past his class room and Sophia decided to open the door and look in. I walked ahead. Suddenly she comes running past me. Cause Jess walked out of the class room just then. He ended up looking over at me very confused, it was cute. Then Sophia ran after him and yelled his name. We both started laughing again. Too much fun. I'm gonna really miss all this when school ends. 

I look like a doll with make up on. It's kinda scary. I can't imagine people putting make up on every day, and looking like that. So perfect. 

The color of the sky: airy blue. Almost liquid and flowing. This clearish blue. 

stars and soldiers

Camp 2010

That was the longest bus ride ever. Even though it was only 8 hours it seemed like forever. Both ways. I slept 2/3 of the time. Overall the thing kinda sucked. We barely did anything, and I didn't get to talk to my friends a lot. Plus everyone was super unenthusiastic about everything. At least the food was good and the white water rafting went well.
To get to this place you drive through this little town that, like the rest of upstate New York is lost in this victorian age. There are quaint general stores, victorian era houses, 50's coin laundry and a more modern pizza place that's has good food. Turning down multiple roads that somehow amidst the simple and lost lifestyle are paved you will find a house. A simple white house, small and affordable, a pool in the back yard that was an endless overgrown field. Right beside this house is a dirt and gravel road and a sign welcoming in a foreign language. That road is the entrance to many of the best and unhappiest times of my life. In the end though those memories never cross my mind as we drive, I just try to remember the words of the song I'm listening to.
The place is quaint. A small amount of land with wooden buildings scattered on the property. I've spent 3 weeks for 8 summers there, and it's like a second home. I know it like the palm of my hand, and love it for the memories I have from multiple summers. But the best thing about this place is that at night, if there aren't any clouds you can see the stars. It's a dark blue black sky, covered in shimmering lights. I'm always reminded my first night. And I can never take my eyes off them. They're so pretty, I often forget how much I really miss seeing them. Cause here you can, just not too well. There's too much light pollution even in this place that isn't the real world. Also during the day there isn't a single airplane. It's lost in time and to the rest of the world.

This weekend was probably the worst time I've ever had there. I got to see my friends, but we didn't really do anything. Stupid talent show, a bonfire where no one sang, the dance; bad music, not enough slow songs, not enough guys dancing. I did get to see D.J. the guy I liked last summer. It made me kinda sad, cause I felt like we never really determined what went on and we never ended it, never said good bye. See he liked me too, but it never got past "Stairway to Heaven" and hugs. Fun times. We didn't get to say goodbye again. He had to catch his bus, back to NY city, but he gave me garlic powder....camp memories.
White water rafting aside from my friends complaining was fun. Pretty much we just floated down a river. We jumped off so many times even though we were told not to. The water was refreshing and clear. Big fish dodged our raft as we passed by. Giant cliffs with hanging trees and dragonflies.

We also wrote letters to soldiers. It took me forever to get started. I didn't really know what to write, so I wrote about the stars there. And what they looked like. I kinda hope they write back.

The weekend passed pretty quickly and I was glad to leave. Right now I don't want to bother with camp and that world. I want to focus on high school and that life. It's fun but complicated, being american and ukrainian. Two worlds that can barely overlap. It's strange...

4:41 bye! for now.

It's 4:24 in the morning and I'm leaving in 21 minutes. Goddammit it's not even that long of a bus ride so why do we have to wake up so early? I'm going to be gone all weekend now, I won't have wifi so I'm off of here for the beautiful long weekend. Really excited about this but at the same time I'm really going to miss everyone (even though it's only for 3ish days, cause I may see Emi on monday). I'm probably just going to keep thinking back on our little scenario with Jess's shirt. God that was so funny.
15 more minutes. I should probably eat something, so I'm leaving. Off to New York! Oh, and before I leave.... Sophia and I found this a few days ago on an abandoned building.

"Sorry for looking away so quickly I

actually think you're

really nice looking, but

you kind of remind

me of this person that

I wish would come back."

I guess that's just somethings for you all while I'm gone. I just sat there re-reading it, and it sounds like something out of perks of being a wallflower, not really real but it could be. I can't find this anywhere on the internet, and it's really sad. But I'm not sure people should read it, it seems like a private little thing, between that person and me. I don't think whoever this was meant for ever found this. So somehow if feels like even though it's not meant for me, it's important and I have something to do with it... keep it with me forever, safe. quiet...

Cya all on monday! I think I'll actually miss writing this a lot. I'm gonna miss everything. 4:38. Bye.

And then, he took his shirt off...

Life just keeps getting better, so Emi, don't ruin it by saying he doesn't like me.
We didn't do much today, and then lunch came. Emi and I met up with Josef who was throwing food into the sky and then tried to catch it in his mouth. He missed. A few times. After a few minutes of that we decided to go back to the park we went to last friday. At that very moment Jess walks out of the building and starts walking in the same direction as we were going (he was ahead of us). It was so funny. Emi and Josef were joking that he was stalking us he was so good that he was ahead of us. They also pretended to be ninjas jumping behind cars and trees. We played around and expected to just drop out at the park, but to our surprise he turns and walks right into the park. And we...followed him. As we walked Emi joked that the group of girls standing around were his girl friends, and something about doing drugs. We laughed and followed. He turned around a few times, so he totally saw us or hear us. Emi later said that even if he was high on drugs and listening to his ipod he would have noticed us cause we laugh way too much. I know this whole kinda stalking thing is great, but it got even better.
 He took OFF his SHIRT! In the middle of the road in this park, he stopped, dropped his backpack and took of his shirt! It was the most randome thing I've seen in forever. I know it was hot, and it was a long sleeved black shirt but...it was so weird!!! Even thinking about it now I start laughing. Just imagine the guy you like stopping in the middle of a road populated by a group of 18 year old girls, an old man, a few runners and you, and take off his shirt.
Later I was sitting at home and a though came to me. What would you think if you saw a guy who looked like he wanted to kill someone (according to everyone but me) with a shaved head (military kinda styled), wearing all black, with no shirt on walking down your street. I started laughing. I just can't imagine that, but I bet that's what he did and what it looked like.
We all just stared. It was just too weird to comprehend. Emi said "stripper". I said "sexy". And Josef said something that I don't remember. After that we lost him, so we climbed down to the water took off our shoes and waded in. The cool water felt refreshing as it lapped against our bare legs. We made plans like last time, ones for summer and after school. It was as if we were three best friends, living in a world written into a book. Someone was reading it and our lives were predetermined, but we were happy. That's all that mattered. The feeling of infinity lingered as we walked back to school.

I got home and the first comment I get from my mom was, literally, your clothes make you look like a slut. She didn't actually say that but really she meant it. The dress wasn't too short the length was perfect, the top was low cut, so what of it? You could see a bit of cleavage and so what? No one really cares. Well that put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

I read a lot, and packed. I'm going to a Ukrainian camp thingy over memorial weekend. It's fun, and I get to see people I haven't seen since summer which is exciting.  But I'm gonna miss school and can't wait to get back again.
My brother had this violin concert and we all went. I fell asleep so many times during the first part. After the intermission I managed to stay awake only be drifting off into my little fantasy world of impossibly possible scenario's. Once we got back I went on a long walk with Emi.
We just talked about all these things. And walked around freaking out middle schoolers because we were talking about Jess and drugs and high school and boys and stuff. When we finally got back it was 10 and my parents didn't even care.

The color of the sky: Poutine cheese, or cottage cheese shaped clouds of pearly sunset white. Glistening with orange and pale pink. The sky seemed bigger today. Like it had opened up to the whole world instead of being confined to just our little city. It seemed as if the sky was part of something bigger, like we all were even though we were still trapped in this city.

Imagine yourself and/or your best friend walking down this road. Talking, laughing enjoying summer. Feeling like it will never end. Your parent's didn't give you a set time to be home. It's hot but not in an unpleasant way. Just in the way that reminds you that it's summer. And you have 13 weeks to enjoy it. Walking down this road making plans, and it feels like it could last forever, it could never end and you wouldn't care. Infinite. 

Poutine: you eat it in Quebec it tastes...weird.
I haven't had it for a while so I don't remember
exactly. But you should try it if you ever go there.
Go to Ashton's. They're a decent chain.

Before now

I guess I never did tell you how my life came to be like...this.
I started out high school sitting in a stairwell with my middle school friends, or those that went to my 2nd high school. There were I think four of us, we added a few new members as the year went on. For a while I really was happy. High school was better than middle school, I had friends, I did theatre which was so much fun and life was good. I didn't even mind that I got a lot of work it was just high school. In november things began to change. I got sick of sitting in a stairwell, we never went anywhere except to occasionally buy food. I got tired of my old middle school style, pigtails, dark colors, comfy clothes (jeans, t-shirts, big sweatshirts, sometimes shorts and leggings) and I began to wear my hair down. No one took to it very well. It started to seem like they were stuck in the past, or in one happy moment, maybe I thought that way too, but for me it had shattered. I started to take long walks, go to the library, and spend my lunches at a cafe that I now love. I changed, I started to care about my appearance, I stopped caring about  grades, and I started to do what I wanted to do.
 I guess a big part of all this was love. I began liking Jess in November, just a little crush but that's when it all started. And my friend told me she like me and kinda asked me out. I kinda knew but it still threw me off. After that I avoided everyone, I was done with their little fantasy. I spent the rest of the winter sitting outside drawing and reading (surprisingly I did not catch hypothermia or pneumonia). It was nice, and it would have been nicer if it had snowed that winter. 1st semester ended 2nd began and I met Sophia. It all got better.

Present day.
Today was so much FUN! We're going to watch a movie in french tomorrow. In gym class we went outside, so I joined the boys in playing soccer. We had the same teams as last time. About 5 minutes into the game I had this perfect cross to Kyle, but Chris tried to head it, the ball nailed him in the face. It was so funny. I sat there laughing. I said sorry and he said it was ok. The second funny thing, I was going towards the goal when Phil blocked me, but he tripped, messing me up. I missed, "Shit" and I hear laughter. Phil was on the ground laughing like it was the funniest thing. Then I started to laugh and so did a ton of other guys. I still don't get why we were laughing... Later Chris's team decided to take off their shirts. Thank god I wasn't on his team, cause that would have been awkward. We tied. Me and Phil and Chris are getting along real well. It's nice.

I was really happy after all these little silly events. But I sat there on the bus convincing myself to ask Jess out for lunch while listening to Papa Roach, Time is Running out. Such a good song, but you have to listen to it really loud. So we got off the bus and I asked him. I said something along the lines of, "Hey, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out during lunch or something with me and my friends. If you don't have plans or something..." He said something like... "Sorry yea I kinda have plans or something." He smiled. It was cute. I'm kinda scared that he doesn't actually like me and he's only trying to be nice. That would really suck.
Then I had history (skip over lunch we just ran around a lot). He kept looking at me. It made me feel guilty...for some reason. Like I wasn't suppose to look at him, but I wanted to look at him to see him looking at me. But it was still a good day.

Theatre rehearsals for us were outside. It had cooled off and it was perfect. We found a replacement lead role for the one that left our show. We did a quick rehearsal doing just the actions no words, for blocking. It looked like a fast forwarded video. Larissa (to clarify, she is a foreign exchange student who comes up with great quotes about america and is in the play. I love her.) she told me about this guy that she likes who's also in theatre. But she's leaving to go back home in a month. And we all think he likes her! It's oh so "tragically romantic" that's a line from our play.
After that we sat around flipping through my year book. I showed her Jess.

I'm glad to report that Chris #2 the one in love with me has stopped texting me! I also have reasons to think he has a girlfriend. I saw him holding hands with this girl in the hall. I really hope it's true cause then a lot of my past issues will have ended.

I feel like I've been using "I" way too much.

Tomorrow is a half day. My mom gets back from where ever it is she went, so does my brother. Oh well. Maybe I'll wear a dress.

The color of the sky: A pearly light indigo, swirly clouds with the same screen surrounding them drifted slowly. It was a peaceful color, but a happy one. One that matched my mood and made me want to laugh even more.

not much...nevermind

I don't really have much to write about...
First off: I'm not dead and neither is Jess. He disappeared during lunch yesterday and never came back. So I was kinda scared, but me and Sophia make a bunch of jokes out of it so it was cool. But then I read this thing about drugs and got scared again. He came back today so it's all fine.

Second: I am reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". I may have mentioned that in the last post...or not? It's an interesting book. Though it bothers me. All books that have things to do with drugs, even just the slightest bother me. Even before I knew Jess. It's not that I wouldn't try drugs or anything, but when people write about LSD's and hallucinogenics it scares me. Cause it sounds like my nightmares, and those bad dreams that never made sense when I was little, and they still don't (I don't have them and I don't think about them anymore though). I really hope Jess doesn't OD.

Thirdly: (is that even a word?) Oh! Here's something to write about. We were walking around in the farmers market. Me, Sophia, Andrea, and Marcello. And this little asian lady walks up to us with her camera and starts speaking a foreign language, gesturing at the camera. It took us a good couple seconds to figure it out. Then we took a bunch of pictures of her, she said thank you in English and left. I stood there waving. It was such a funny feeling. Cause it was one of those things that doesn't really happen here. No one really comes here as a tourist. Sophia ate my cookies.

Fourth: I've spent a lot of time recently lying on my bed reading. Or not doing anything. Sitting in my room watching anime which I haven't done since abandoning the stairwell in november. And painting. And of course procrastinating everything else. Summers almost here. 3 more weeks. I'll miss everyone.

Larissa my wonderful exchange student friend gave me more inspiration! I told her I hadn't asked Jess out yet for lunch. She yelled at me to hurry up and do something. For gods sakes it is America! "Go ask him or I will kill you!" Something like that! Well it makes me feel better. I hope I didn't jinx my luck.

French Mediterranean coast line

The color of the sky: Light fluffy blue. Like water that you could sink into. The ocean. In Provence, the Mediterranean. Clear and calm. Gentle waves moving pebbles and shells along the coast line. Clouds like sea foam forming at it's edges. The feeling like everything is perfect for that one moment. You can laugh and be happy and nothing else matters.
I miss the sea in Provence. It was nice. Reminding me of the "Little Mermaid" the real one, by Hans Christian Anderson. Also me and Phil were laughing about little things today. That was fun, I like him as a friend.

I'm gonna live here!

Now that I think about it I really miss France. When I graduate college or something like that I'm gonna go live in France for at least a year. In some little town in Provence. I like that plan.

another day

Today was the first time in god knows how long that I actually ate breakfast before school, and to top it all off it was pancakes! Really?! I mean really. I never eat before school, and rarely at school (I am NOT anorexic really I just don't get hungry) it was so weird. Too much food, I'm gonna get fat. 

More substitute teachers, less work, more time to sleep. I think I slept through gym again. And Lunch! Oh so much fun yet again. When hasn't it been? We ran around the school endlessly. Looking for people, laughing. "Chasing after boys and dreams in the stairwells and hallways of [blank] High School" I wrote that for some stupid my access prompt that we had to do today. I wrote a ton of crap about my life. And got a decent grade. 

Ok back to lunch. We kept walking past Jess and he kept looking up. Sophia now claims that she's 103% sure he likes me. She always makes me smile. 

Right before class started we were walking down the stairs by Jess's class and of course he's walking up the stairs as we are walking down. When she saw him Sophia immediately shut up making it all the more awkward for me. We ran down the stairs laughing and giggling about him. Then Sophia came up with the brilliant idea of yelling his name outside his class room then running. It was so humiliatingly funnily insanely stupidly fun. Just like the rest of our lives.

I'm talking to Sophia now on FB! Yay!

The color of the sky: It was a kaleidoscope changing so quickly. The clouds moved across the sky as if propelled by some invisible force. Colors changing from a blue grey of small birdlike clouds to pearly golden orange leaf cells migrating across the cloudy expanse. 

endless days leading into summer

I've just spent half a day laying on my bed. The windows open, shades pulled back, lights off, sunlight filtering in splashing shimmering golden flakes on my walls. The rooms smells like paint, the wind and summer; fresh cut grass, flowers, a touch of rain, and sun. The covers are thrown back. Books are scattered on the floor, along with anonymous papers, paint and candy wrappers. Just laying there and reading. Sometimes turning on the music and listening, staring up, dreaming. It feels like an endless summer day, when my friends are all gone, and theres nothing left to do. Don't want to move, or do anything at all. And it doesn't matter cause I have all the time in the world...

If it was summer. But it's just another super hot sunday afternoon, school tomorrow.

Tomorrow's gonna be even hotter. 

The color of the sky: Light grey blue, the color on my pallet. An odd mesh of white, light blue, a half mix of the two and a splatter of grey. Thin, weightless slivers of clouds hang in pearly lines. Looking up, it would look endless, like a summer day.

Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday.

Green and purple icecream

with sprinkles.
That's what me and Emi got when we went on our bike ride saturday.
We spent about 1hour 3o min. trying to decide what to do. Actually...make that 2 hours. Finally, after super long debates we decided to get our bikes and go, anywhere away from here. It took us another 3o minutes to organize, find her camera and ipod, get our shoes and bikes and actually leave.
We ended up going to the tiny strip mall about 2 miles from our houses. It's a straight line of stores, and small restaurants. There's also an empty interior. Most of the shops are abandoned. Just a big space remains, barred by locked doors and window panes.
We locked our bikes and got icecream, from baskin and robins. 1 single scoop of rock and pop something or other sherbert. It was green and purple with nerds inside, we added sprinkles on top.
The mall has this protective roof held up by pillars. Under one of theses there's always incense sticks. And often a cup of coffee, this is the shrine. We found this a few years back, and in a way they really have become my gods/divine praying being. It's half a joke, that there are gods, shrine gods there that can grant wishes or something. But I kinda just ended up believing, I suppose it's good to believe in something.
So we prayed for good luck left 4 cents and then ate our ice cream. Finishing that we went inside and took pictures. We walked around taking tons of random photos with Emi's camera and ipod. Eventually we ended up on the hill a across a roundabout from the mall. It's a big grassy hill. At the top you can see the city roof tops. To the west the sunset looks amazing. That day it was golden, making the world look sepia and pretty.
We called Nick, threw shoes at each other, laughed, took a ton of pictures, rolled down the hill, laughed some more, talked and just sat there. Perfect unsummer day.
After at least an hour we got doughnuts, and pop got on our bikes and rode home. By the time we got back it was past 9. No one had called us. So we sat outside my house talking till 10. Calling Sophia, and chit chatting about our messed up love lives.

Golden summer evenings 

Stop procrastinating

Friday was a long day even though for me it was just a half day. We had subs in all my three morning classes. After 3rd hour ended I went to find Emi.
I didn't have school after 3rd hour because the other school had forum day, which everyone goes with their forum (kinda like advisory if that helps anyone...) and they all go places like camping...places.

So I hung out with Emi and Josef for lunch. Josef is a friend from theatre and he like me goes to both schools (he also know Jess and isn't scared of him), he's obsessed with steam punk. We went across the street to the park, it's actual this river and there's a boat house and a little park. We took off our shoes and just sat there talking about how we should make a steam powered boat and float it around the river. The water was cool and refreshing.

I finally got home, I ended up walking home because my parents are annoying. Then I sat at home, and didn't do anything. Just lay on my bed, staring up  at the ceiling. It's a rather boring ceiling and I really should paint it or something, but then my mom would get pissed... Oh well.

I really need to stop procrastinating and actually go out and do all this stuff that I need to be doing, like my homework.

The color of the sky: A flat constant blue like a wall stretching across the expanse of the space above us. No clouds. Slowly the sky has been turning into a endless summer day. Unchanging, blue, perfect, never ending.

When you have nothing to loose anymore

I really don't have a thing to loose. But I'm still scared to ask him out to lunch. I have no dignity, no social life, a few crazy but awesome friends, some drawings of Jess and that's about it. Nothing to loose, why am I so scared?! Cause people will talk about me behind my back? I need to fully realize that after asking him out I have nothing in this world to loose!! (Except my virginity...) Ok. Tomorrow is a new day, a new start and a half day.

Sophia spent all of lunch trying to convince me to ask Jess out for lunch. I just couldn't it was so funny. And he probably heard every word of our conversation. He was sitting in the hall with his friends, while we were in the stairwell, hidden behind a wall. We followed him around and laughed a lot.

I had another game, we lost. Really badly. I hate those kids, on the team and the ones on the side lines. They were worse than Chris #1! I didn't even think that was possible! OMFingGod! Idiots! STUPID annoying people! I just needed to let that out. After the game the whole time was ranting about them. I wish Chris had been there, my life might have been a bit better. And it would have been funny.

I know I'm suppose to write something down on this blog, but I just can't remember what it is...

The color of the sky: Like a rainbow. A thin fabric pink settling on the hem of the sky. The color changes in sequence, orange, yellow, green then blue. Light at first getting darker as the night comes on.

I wonder if Jess likes me...

Tomorrow

I really need to stop eating chocolate and cookies. They are making me fat. So for mothers day my parents bought a crap load of sweets: cake, 3 boxes of oreo's, a bag of m&m's, and I have chocolate from somewhere, plus there's ice cream in the fridge (that I can eat)! Too much sugar. That's all I eat now, cookies and bread. Oh well.

I'm asking Jess out to lunch tomorrow. Fingers crossed that it works!

Right now I'm sitting here listening to Fall Out Boy, and "doing" my homework. First time in a while that I've had a lot. I haven't written anything for the past couple of days cause nothing has really happened. Life's been slowing down, stuck in a traffic jam of chase after Jess or turn around and head in another direction. I suppose tomorrow will determine something, fix the red light, or at least turn it yellow.

Chris #1 who hasn't done anything for like a week is back to his normal flirting. It's surprisingly calming that he's back to normal. The other Chris is as annoying an constantly txting me wasting all my precious texts!

Sophia was sick today so I was all alone in 7th block. Victoria stole my phone and started txting Gabriel who was sitting right in front of us. It was funny. In the mean time I was texting Sophia. So we passed the phone back and forth. She also txted my mom, who replied! It was so funny. The best thing was we didn't get in trouble, cause we had a sub, and we were watching a movie.

The color of the sky: Dusty blue, a thin layer of haze coated the edges. A few lost clouds wandered the sky. The late sunset was a mix of dark blues. Like a collage made out of paper-mache, construction paper, water, glass and oil. All painted different shades of blue and glued onto the sky.

How am I suppose to do this...ask him out to lunch...crap. Oh well I guess that is what the internet is for. Suggestions. I need them.

Wire crisis

I don't like cleaning. I procrastinate cleaning by cleaning and organising other things. I re-organised my entire room today because me family except for me has lice. I didn't really want to clean it so it's just as messy, but the mess is in a different location.

We all went to my grandparents house to celebrate. We had cake and other sweet pastries. Then we all went to work in the garden. My great grandma who's 90+  has this huge food and herb garden. She can't see (well barley) but she still goes out there and works. I like working there, so I'll probably be back soon.

Emi just go back from this big regatta, and her big news is, "I like this guy. He has a girlfriend, and he's a senior. I have like a few weeks only. This sucks." Well our lives should get a bit more interesting.

Right now I'm working on something. I really need wire, but it's downstairs, and my moms awake and pissed off at me. So I can't get it... It sucks, but if my project works it'll look really cool! It's a broken watch that I'm trying to get onto a chain. The hands are simple and gold, as is the outer layer that holds the clock. Hopefully this will work out...I'm now trying to use pencil pieces...

The color of the sky: Splotchy clouds of lavender blue, white and sunlight yellow. Like a collage of dots. Well more like large circular shapes.

No, I'm not drunk, I'm just tired

It was hard to focus. But everything seemed to be so much brighter. The colors jumped out bright orange, red and such. Sounds were loud, voices hard to understand. I kept looking around, as if I would miss something if I didn't pay attention. Like china town, or brooklyn like high on drugs or sleepless caffeine nights working on things that didn't make sense anymore. There was no feeling to it, just this light headed alcoholic state between a daze and beginning of drunkenness. Wanting to fall asleep but not daring to close my eyes, I'll miss it. Loosing myself in the inception of the screen, sucked into the murder mystery. Then the flicker and darkness as the screen turns off.
It's raining now. Quiet, little pitter patter of rain outside. Nothing else exists. Just me, in this room, and the rain.

I'm not drunk, just tired. After my tiring essay writing school day I went to the movies with Sophia and her parents. We saw the Avengers. Long movie. It was good though, I liked it a lot. It's totally worth seeing. Afterwards I could barley walk straight. The fatigue and sitting in a dark room for about 2 1/2 hours was taking it's toll. We went out for pie, but it was closed, so we got gelato instead. That's where my first paragraph description comes in.
Chris #2 wants to talk to me. I've been ignoring his texts. They annoy me. I don't have unlimited like most of you people. I really need some sleep.

I'll probably dream about Jess. That's all thats been on my mind all day. Ok I'm going to sleep. Now.

The color of the sky: I couldn't see it through the vast land scape of ice chunks floating in the ocean. The patches of should be water were covered by snow. The sky shimmered blue violet from within. Dark in the west where the night had never truly left.

Orange chair

It's the end of the week again. A friday. So much has happened this week that it seems like a lifetime has just passed.

• Sophia asks out Mouse
• I ask out Jess
• Soccer games
• Theatre, read thru and rehearsal
• Sleeping in class/going to class
• 1/2day

And a lot more. I'm dreading monday as usual but at the same time I can't wait. See he talked to me again today! I walked onto the bus after 3rd hour, a few minutes later he walks on. "Hey sky. Wassup."
I quickly explained my pact with Sophia and asking him out, apologising for the awkwardness. He just said, "Whatever, It's cool." He was smiling. After that every time he saw me that day (quite a few times) he would smile. So everyone is convinced he likes me. A lot of people know now too...oh well.

I was so tired all day again. I need more sleep. I fell asleep a few times. Once during theatre, I was back stage waiting for my cue. There was this wooden chair lined with orange cushion. Sitting down I could feel myself sink into it, it's soft fluffy embrace. I fell asleep like that for a bit. I like that chair. The color, the feel, the way it looks. I drew it a few times while waiting.  I love that chair.

We decided today, me and Sophia that we, and Emi, were going to go to top of the park when summer comes around. Maybe by that time we'll be going out. If my luck holds out. That's one of those funny childish dreams of mine, to go with a boy (on a date) to top of the park. It's a bunch of stands with food, a band playing on a stage, there's usually some kind of show later on and it goes on till around 11 pm.

The color of the sky: Day to day now it's been pretty much the same color. The same light blue, with white summer clouds drifting along.

I'm in love with a drug addict

It feels so strange saying that.

I'm in love with a drug addict.

I've been saying this over and over in my mind. Like I can't quite figure out what it means, I don't know what it means.
I found out from a friend who's brother is friends with Jess that he has issues. He does a lot of drugs, and him and his last girlfriend had issues. But also that he's shy and quiet.
Emi and Sophia are pretty freaked out and a bit scared about this whole thing. But really if I have a chance I'm going.

We won our game, mercied them 8-0 and ended 10 minutes into the second half. 2 goals!!!! And a few assist. This makes up for my awkward afternoon.

The rest of this day has just dragged on. I was so tired all day. I fell asleep in gym (we were in the class room watching a movie).

Thinking about it I never would have asked Jess out if it wasn't for Sophia. I never would have done a lot of things. I would have just stayed there in that little world of perfection. A place where he might like me, I have fun every day, I love him, where everything is up in the air. The perfect chess formation, with one move it could all shatter or blossom into roses. I'll miss that but we're moving on hopefully to win this game as best we can.

The color of the sky: A light blue melting into grey and gold horizon. White surreal clouds floated along. It felt oddly like summer, without the warmth. As if a cloud was in front of the sun blocking the light.

I wonder if my parents are reading this.

Idiots in love make stupid plans

Today was a great day as usual. Running around yelling absurd things, Sophia was begging me to ask him during lunch. Stealing my drawing and threatening to show him. And a Marcello a kid in my class, I guess you could call him a friend, he's nice and a great person, we told him. 6th block he smiled at me again. God I love his smile. Writing this seems almost stupid now...
Well after 6th block I was going to ask. But I lost him, then ask I was walking to the bus I saw him. I ran up to him, he didn't notice at first (he was listening to his ipod). "Excuse me!" He looked up, taking the ear buds out.
"Hey." He smiled. All for me, for no one but me.
"Um...do you have a girl friend?" I blurted out, I didn't care what I looked like, I wanted, needed to know so badly.
"Uh, no why?" He was still smiling, brighter than ever.
"Will you go out with me?!" He laughed. "I can't do that, I mean, I don't really know you and stuff..." He started to walk, I followed. Still the trace of a smile on my lips. "I mean, your really cool (cute, I didn't hear) you got swag and shit. What's your name anyways?"
"Sky (not actually but yea)"
"That's a really pretty name. And I'm Jess, you know that...yea."
"yea." He said something I didn't catch. All the time I was saying, yeah it's cool, it's fine. He left. Not saying yes or no. Just I don't know you.
I cried. For the fist time in so long. That is I've cried, after a movie or when a book was sad, but not for myself, not even when my grandma died. I called Sophia, and she though really though he'd said yes. No, sorry. I stood there with her in the stairwell and cried. Just cried and laughed, and smiled because he talked to me. And there was something so special about just that.
I went to forum with her and sat there. Lost but happy, I guess my cloud does have a silver lining. I left, and took the bus home. There were friends... of mine there so I couldn't cry it out. I probably will later. Can't now, I have a piano lesson. I walked home barefoot. Listening to 80's music and Linkin Park.

Right so now I've come to a conclusion. He never said NO. I still maybe have a chance. Tomorrow apologise say that was really awkward and maybe it might just work out. I really shouldn't have asked him out but whatever. 5 weeks shouldn't make that big of a difference.
And just saying, I'm not giving up just yet!

I think I'm going to get pudding tomorrow.

bathroom....

Golden after rain

I have issues with Jess and Bathrooms.
SO much happened today. Sophia asked out Mouse! Actually someone asked him out for her, and he said something. Sophia was in tears about it. So I decided to find this kid and talk to him. I did and he just walks away, asshole. Then we went and bought cookies at the farmers market to make Sophia feel better, we left right in front of our teacher, telling him it was a crisis and we needed cookies. He was fine with it... (this is 7th block). After that she decided to ask him out herself.
It took us so long to find Mouse. We ran up and down the stairs yelling his name and such. So much fun! I ran into this one guy 4 times. He looked at me really funny and told me I was crazy. The third or fourth time he asked me, "Who are you?" I said I was a freshmen my name is sky. He told my I was crazy.
Then Sophia left and I left to ask out Jess. I waited for his friends to leave. I got bored so I decided to walk up to the second floor and then back, then I saw him. I was about to ask him out and...he walked into the Bathroom. A frikking BATHROOM kept me from asking him out. OMG. So I left, cause that's just awkward. Waiting for the guy you like in front of a BATHROOM. I stood there in the stairwell my head against the wall saying OMG motherfucking Bathroom. Why?
I'm asking him out tomorrow.
Such a sad awkward, teenage girl day. But fun, as always.

Also today was a half day, and I had 6th block. I hadn't seen Jess all day. Class was already starting and he wasn't there. I was so sad. I watched the door every time it opened hoping it was him. Finally he walks in. My heart skipped a beat I was so scared and nervous. I immediately texted Sophia: Hes here!!!!!!!!!
S: klas;dfjklwjoiednire where ASK HIM NOW
me: I'm in class stupid! lol
S: Just shout in the middle of class, "jess will you go out with me???!"
me: Heck no!
I was smiling throughout the whole exchange it was so funny.
Oh I love my life.

The color of the sky: Blue separated into two worlds. One side white and soft, the other grey like the pavement on a rainy day. The evening light turned everything gold. Like a memory, so perfect for a after rain summer day (it's actually not summer yet, but ideally) warm and stuck in a moment, captured by a camera. Streams of golden sunbeams filtered through, breaking up the rainy clouds. Everything sparkled with water droplets.

Rain always carries my memories best. The smell sound feel look everything about rainy days, even more so after rain. Especially the smell, like a memory.

1...2...3...GO! (America)

I just realised that I could talk to Jared Leto if I wanted. With modern technology I could do so many things. Just another funny thought.

We failed again. But it's been getting better. I really want this and it is going to happen!

I didn't take my gym clothes to school. I though he said we were in the class room, but no. And he made me do the work out. It sucked. I was wearing flip flops.

Emi chickened out again, but lunch was fun. I met two wonderful people who are also friends with Sophia. We all stalked Mouse, and Jess a bit. And we ate chocolate covered pomegranates!

In history I noticed that Jess isn't that scary at all anymore. I use to think he was scary looking, sorta, but not anymore. Maybe it's just my crazy in love thing.

It's funny actually, I was just reading (still am reading) this blog about a guy who started a blog because his true love broke up with him. He's still trying to find that true love that left him. While here I am, chasing after something that I can only imagine is love.

An exchange student friend of mine and I were talking. She told me that before she came to america she was always shy and scared to ask and do things on her own. But once she came it disappeared. "I think it's because I knew I had only 1 year here and I wanted to give it everything and really have the best experience ever, and come on this is America." It was so inspirational. Well, I live in america, so when do I start, stop putting things off and just run? I guess that's now.

The color of the sky: Endless fields of blue as far as the eye could see till beyond the horizon. Clouds moved into the picture, taking their time over the day. Like someone spilling a drink on a picture they swallowed my endless wonderland of blue. The clouds were white, but blue at the same time. Grey yet turquoise. As if someone had obviously painted over them. The trace of white or grey still remaining through the darker color.

Failure to execute

Does anyone else think it's awkward when someone via text or on facebook or something asks you: what r u going? or what r u up to, even... Moving on,
NEVER plan things out that should just be left up to improv. It makes it so much more fun and hopeless and all that great stuff.

Sophia and I decided to ask out Mouse and Jess. We planned it out. It didn't work. You see when you plan something there are little factors that you have to take into consideration...a lot of them. Most of them you wouldn't even think of!
Well we planned out this whole scenario and all the things we would say. It did not work. Fist we spent about 45 minutes sitting under the stairs debating whether to ask them out or not, while...discreetly (not) watching Jess. We said yes, our logic being better give it our best shot and if it didn't work, we only had 6 weeks to live with our failure. It did not work out. It was pretty funny though, trying to plan these things out, talking about them, weddings, and teenage girly stuff (before high school, I never imagined myself talking like this).
So maybe tomorrow.

I think I did a really good job on my math test!!!!

I really do want to ask him out but what if it just sounds stupid? I guess I'll just have to find out.

Bio test tomorrow.

The color of the sky: Like someone had taken a black and white picture, but the blue somehow managed to show through. Almost lost in the white clouds and black world. Showing a hint of hope for everyone.

Who needs fantasy when you have my life

Today was the BEST!
Actually it was just 7th block, Sophia and Jess that made my day (mouse too kind of).
Starting at the beginning, it sucked. We dissected a frog. Not that it was disgusting...well kinda, but it just was wrong. Something about that made me thing of Never Let Me Go, and the part where Tommy has to donate his heart and complete. They had lives too, they loved too... It really made me sick.

Lunch was amazing! I really think that Jess likes me!! So I was eating in my usual spot at the side of the school. Him and his friends walk out. He turns around and sees me, as the others keep walking him and another guy stay behind, looking my way, at me. They gestured towards me several times. And walked away. They stopped a bit further off, I could only see Jess, the others were hidden behind the corner of the building. It was so funny, he just turned in a circle, two times, funniest cutest thing. See that's why I like him, those little cute things that make him so special (and everything else). So maybe I really do have a chance! Yay!

7th block was the most fun ever! Me and Sophia ran around school, the hallways were deserted. We didn't see a single person. Walking up the stairs I said, "If I ever see Liam again soon, I'm gonna go up to him and say: Hi, I know a lot about you but you don't know me." We laughed a joked about it, but I was serious I even told her I was. We exited the stairwell still laughing and what do you know there he is. He immediately smiled when he saw Sophia. When he got close enough I said, "I know a lot about you but you don't know me" she froze, and he looked at me weirdly and said "OK." We ran back to class Sophia threatening to kill me and thanking me for the best day ever. It was. Later she decided to apologise about me (giving her a chance to talk to him). She did and we laughed glancing after him, when we turn around there's Jess. We followed him almost all the way to his bus stop. Sophia coming up with things to say to him such as: "i know who you are. but i dont actually know you, and you sure dont know me. sky likes you but youre scary. you guys should go out. now i will run."I'm starting to think she really will say this on monday. Oh I can't wait!!!

Show went well and I'm in the next one!!!! With Larrissa!!!!! We are such good friends! I love her! This next week is going to be so much fun!

The color of the sky: Messy clouds through which streamed yellow light. At night it turned indigo black the color of a fantasy. Smeared silhouettes of grey clouds lagged through the sky.

Rain

Ok, I'm starting to wonder why I numbered the posts.

Today started out bad. I forgot all my homework, and my phone at home. I didn't eat anything all day till dinner. I was really hungry. And I don't think I did good at all on my bio test. I played soccer with the guys and I didn't do well at all (it was still fun). Chris #1 has decided my new name is either baby or poochiepie... I liked Ukrainian girl much better.
I liked history. He looked at me a lot. And he made this weird face that reminded me of Jared Leto (I love Jared!).

I had a soccer game. It was far away. On the way Chris #2 asked me how I felt (if I liked him or not), so I said: I'd like to get to know you better (and stuff like that) but I like someone else. Sorry!
He said: Lucky him.
I felt so bad! I still wish none of this had happened.

It's raining. I like rain. Hope tomorrow is another wonderful day. And maybe I'll get to STALK Kaitlin's boyfriend!!!!! What more can I ask for?

The color of the sky: It changed a lot. First it was blue monotone, with white clouds covering the southern hemisphere. As the day went on foamy soap like clouds migrated from the southern hemisphere to the center of the sky fraying out into the blue. Then the storm clouds moved in, dark indigo quickly overtaking the entire sky.

i luv him : teenage love

Jess. I'm kinda in love with this guy (my childish version of it cause I don't think I really know what love is). More than any other guy I've ever had a crush on, this also being the longest time I've ever liked a guy (since the end of november). Since I've mentioned him a lot, I figured that I should explain this story of mine.
I...met him on the first day of school. Actually I ended up following him about half the day.

I think I should explain that I go to 2 different schools. One in the morning, then I take a bus to the other one. Looking back I believe I have failed to explain this. My first three hours are at one school (the normal one) the other three are at the arts school and classes vary. Monday and Wednesday i have 3rd and 5th block, tuesday and thurdsday I have 6th block and friday I have all my classes.

So I didn't know where the bus was, and the first person I saw leaving the building I followed it just happened to be Jess. I didn't notice him much at first but then one day I was bored and looking for something to draw. He has a very pretty face. Pale, handsomely shaped and his eyes are a dark endless brown, maybe that's what I fell in love with... So I said, why not. It didn't work. His face (eyebrows) takes a lot of practice to get right. But ever since then I've always wanted to draw him. 

So when I fist started liking him, I though maybe it was just because...he's good looking and I like my drawing of him. As I got to...know him...through drawing him (staring at him in class...) I really did like him. He's serious, but can be really cute (especially his smile). I've never actually talked to him, or anything like that. Maybe it's childish, but I really really like him.

Day 21: Little things

Its been raining a lot recently. Washing it all clean.

God my parents can be annoying some days. Sorry but you don't and you can't control what I do. Stop trying please. (At least they don't bother commenting on the sharpie on my hand).

I wonder what people think of me when they read my blog.

I figured out what I'm going to do with my life. After 4 years of art school, I'll travel. Anywhere and everywhere. I was reading this guys blog (I'll probably start following it soon) and something about it seems so appealing. (No doubt things will change after another 3 years in high school and 4 in college but for now, that's the plan!) I'll sell my art for a living and figure the rest out as I go.

Jess <3 is still written on my hand!

Today was nice, noting really complicated, a lot of it was spent running around school with Sophia. Again!

Attempted a normal conversation via fb. No. Doesn't work with me. It makes me sound so superficial and fake. And pisses me off. But that's the high school world, and she's probably one of my more normal acquaintances, and my one salvation in gym class. So we'll go with it.

The color of the sky: Morning sky was grey a blue grey blanket of clouds that was comfortingly accompanied by a cool wind.
Afternoon, it looked almost fake. Perfectly generated cumulus clouds, were scattered in unrealistic locations. Looking almost too picture perfect. The white blue sky shown through in places and the wind carried the warm scent of flowers.

Day 20: I love you, for sure.

Tooth paste. My younger brother was complaining last night that he didn't like the taste of my tooth paste. I don't really like it either, but then again I don't really care. But it's funny to think that adults do they care about these little things like the flavor of their tooth paste. If they cared about every little thing they would be called OCD or a perfectionist, or even insane, autistic, selfish. But kids with their little quirks aren't considered selfish or OCD or anything for that matter. Just a funny thought.
Where is the line drawn between childhood and adulthood.

Today I realised how influenced I am by my father. My mom was always working when I was little. 4-5 days a week left at 6 and she'd get home at about 5. During the day we'd go places, museums, on walks, shopping, always listening to music in the car. I'd listen to him talk about things and pickup on them even if I didn't really understand. My dad may have even been the reason for me being a tomboy from 2nd to 8th grade (this along with the influence of many fantasy books). And why I rejected my mom, the dresses, putting my hair up and such. ...Just a thought.

I had auditions today! They went well! I'm so excited for this show! It is a series of plays written and directed by students. FUN!

Today was a fairly ordinary day, surprisingly. Including 3rd hour, which is usually a mess.
Right before 6th block I ran into Sophia and Mouse! They would be so cute together! Well we decided to wait to go to class so that she could see Jess. We waited...and waited...and she began yelling funny things in the stair well, and we were laughing. He didn't come, so we left and I went to class. Someone had kicked me out of my usual spot, so I sat in the front facing the other two rows of desks. Less than a minute later Jess walks in, I was like dang it, one more minute! Then he sat across from me. And he kept looking at me! Kya! I drew, once again, a lot. And then he left. And we were going to follow him after class!!! It was sad and I was annoyed.

Right before I got on the bus, Emi told me she lost a sharpie. I told her I'd found one. She took it to see if it was hers and decided to write "JESS <3" really big on my hand, right as he was walking past me. I think he saw it during class (I couldn't wash it off....). But now that I think about it, I don't ever want it to wash off.

I've been kinda mixed up with all these guys named Chris, and other issues but now that things are calming down I've been able to forget shit and go back to my little reality. And now that I really think about it I still really do like Jess. And it makes me really happy.

The color of the sky: Covered in cloud, which switched off between darker white and lighter grey. Looking like wave marks in the sand colors scattered unevenly between the dark and light.