Damn it's been a long time...all summer I though of coming back to this but I was so caught up with that strange mix of problems and not wanting to waste a second of my summer (also I didn't have internet 60% of the time). I don't know where to begin, 2 months is a kinda long time...well I guess I just start now.
It's registration. And I'm starting junior year. Which is funny cause I still look like a freshman. It sucked, I hate people.
I don't actually know what to say...slow start I suppose. Ummmmmm....warm milk and honey..tastes good.
Thursday 22 August 2013
Sunday 23 June 2013
In New York City with an Instagram account
It's been quite a while again and thought I don feel the serious need to write anything I'm bored out of my mind and no ones txing me back. I'm in manhattan at my summer program. The things that went in this last week I can tell you about later. Right now I'm all alone with no friends in a city I've only dreamed about. The rooms nice a bit small and awkward or so it seems to me. All my expectations of this place have been picked apart one by one and I'm left with only hope that thing will get better.
Thursday 13 June 2013
The resolution
Finals are OVER! I'm so happy. Even if my final grade in french may be a b+... well whatever.
Mathew ended our so called relationship. Which is for the best, and it really kicked off my summer. It was like present, like here is your freedom, all wrapped up in simple confused words of a teenage boy. He did it over text.
I spent the first part of the afternoon with theatre kids, Nanny, Michelle, Nick, Nicole, Kelly. Then after a few hours of video games, home made pizza, and college talk I headed to the bus stop to meed Emi downtown. We walked around, looked at clothes, bough cake batter ice cream, sat and drew. It was simple, and relaxing. Eventually we took the bus part way home, stopped to get Chinese food at an empty restaurant, where the Chinese workers wandered around doing college homework and calculating tips. Rite aid was next, barrettes, makeup, and matches. I learned later that you have to be 18 to buy matches. So we did something illegal under semi legal terms...maybe? Well it was interesting. We still don't quite know how we got them.
I think I might dye my hair...or just the tips. The color of summer so that I never forget...
The color of the sky: Splattered with glow stick residue, lit across the sky by the afterglow of the sun, they shone a light turquoise blue over dark blue skies.
If I say I'm going to do something I do it...Emi's right. I think that's the best way to live. Don't be afraid to just live.
Mathew ended our so called relationship. Which is for the best, and it really kicked off my summer. It was like present, like here is your freedom, all wrapped up in simple confused words of a teenage boy. He did it over text.
I spent the first part of the afternoon with theatre kids, Nanny, Michelle, Nick, Nicole, Kelly. Then after a few hours of video games, home made pizza, and college talk I headed to the bus stop to meed Emi downtown. We walked around, looked at clothes, bough cake batter ice cream, sat and drew. It was simple, and relaxing. Eventually we took the bus part way home, stopped to get Chinese food at an empty restaurant, where the Chinese workers wandered around doing college homework and calculating tips. Rite aid was next, barrettes, makeup, and matches. I learned later that you have to be 18 to buy matches. So we did something illegal under semi legal terms...maybe? Well it was interesting. We still don't quite know how we got them.
I think I might dye my hair...or just the tips. The color of summer so that I never forget...
The color of the sky: Splattered with glow stick residue, lit across the sky by the afterglow of the sun, they shone a light turquoise blue over dark blue skies.
If I say I'm going to do something I do it...Emi's right. I think that's the best way to live. Don't be afraid to just live.
Monday 10 June 2013
We begin the end of this journey now...
Hey guys!!! I'm at school again, and just finished my 7th hour final, which was acting out a scene from MidSummer.
Class is boring.
I didn't mention the rest of this weekends events which were Banquet and Mathew.
Well Mathew was depressed again and we hadn't been talking, we feel out of touch a bit, and things were awkward...so he txted me while I was at school asking if we were going to be ok, if I had feelings for him and such. Well I'd been thinking that what if this distance was because I didn't like him anymore...oh it was really bad. I didn't want to hurt him but my own happiness matter so much. So I told him that I had feeling just they were a bit mixed up...and that we should just be friends for now while we sort things out. He ignored me at banquet mostly. But during our directors speeches and the senior moments I started crying, and he was sitting next to me, of course, he took my hand...
After tearful farewells, hugs, year book signatures and the directors speech to me. He told me that when I first walked in that little scared freshman, he though I would shatter. "But you stuck through it, and you have become such a big part of this group and a leader. Your a great actress and you will take this group far. Thank you for everything."
I'm tearing up just writing about it, but we'll all move on and continue to live and make the most of our time here.
Well after all that, I was in the lobby when Mathew came to say good-bye. I honestly thought that that would be it. We said our farewells and he hugged me. It was such a funny feeling...like I was ready to let go of him, and move to something else, but not...that's when he began talking. "I'm sorry. Can we start over?" He meant it. And I wonder if I did the right thing...I kissed him. That was the kiss that was meant for our good-bye...
Class is boring.
I didn't mention the rest of this weekends events which were Banquet and Mathew.
Well Mathew was depressed again and we hadn't been talking, we feel out of touch a bit, and things were awkward...so he txted me while I was at school asking if we were going to be ok, if I had feelings for him and such. Well I'd been thinking that what if this distance was because I didn't like him anymore...oh it was really bad. I didn't want to hurt him but my own happiness matter so much. So I told him that I had feeling just they were a bit mixed up...and that we should just be friends for now while we sort things out. He ignored me at banquet mostly. But during our directors speeches and the senior moments I started crying, and he was sitting next to me, of course, he took my hand...
After tearful farewells, hugs, year book signatures and the directors speech to me. He told me that when I first walked in that little scared freshman, he though I would shatter. "But you stuck through it, and you have become such a big part of this group and a leader. Your a great actress and you will take this group far. Thank you for everything."
I'm tearing up just writing about it, but we'll all move on and continue to live and make the most of our time here.
Well after all that, I was in the lobby when Mathew came to say good-bye. I honestly thought that that would be it. We said our farewells and he hugged me. It was such a funny feeling...like I was ready to let go of him, and move to something else, but not...that's when he began talking. "I'm sorry. Can we start over?" He meant it. And I wonder if I did the right thing...I kissed him. That was the kiss that was meant for our good-bye...
Sunday 9 June 2013
Just because you breathe doesn't mean you're alive
Emi and I went skinny dipping. It's official. Summer has begun.
Friday 7 June 2013
Secret agent coffee
I enjoy looking at my dirty feet in the mirror, and my hair that looks ok, even through I really need to shower. My eyes look as though their outlined with mascara but I'm sure it all came off by now. I don't want to go to bed, I just want to keep talking to Michelle and eating pop tarts. It's only 11:20, nothing to worry about tomorrow, not really...
Today was lovely! I skipped 3rd hour with Emi and Nick and went to the river, got coffee on the way. We spent the hour taking pictures, advertising coffee in very sexual ways displaying very lesbian and incestual action, eh not really, well kinda, but it was funny. People who don't know us would think we're crazy. But it was fun! A freedom I almost forgot existed...it had that feeling...like cake after months of dieting, a warm breeze after winter, coffee after finals, sleeping in the first time in a year and waking up to the afternoon sun streaming through your window, the smell of the library, hearing someone tell you they like you after wishing so hard. Happiness, that's what it was.
Ever since I got home, things were eh. My parents found out that I skipped. And Mathew... Actually first my dad and I watched the Ukraine game. They won! It was great! Then things went down. So to cheer myself up I've been listening to disney songs and opera, for like 4 hours now...it helps a bit. And wandering around the basement, where I sorted through barbie dolls, and found a white scarf that's not warm, just white...Talked to Mathew...We are slipping...there's only one week, not ever till school gets out, I know things will be fine as far a summer is concerned but longer than that...
The color of the sky: Foggy grey, weight down with winter winds and blue feelings...but we managed to find warmth in each others company today. It was fun. Winter skies and summer spirit.
Today was lovely! I skipped 3rd hour with Emi and Nick and went to the river, got coffee on the way. We spent the hour taking pictures, advertising coffee in very sexual ways displaying very lesbian and incestual action, eh not really, well kinda, but it was funny. People who don't know us would think we're crazy. But it was fun! A freedom I almost forgot existed...it had that feeling...like cake after months of dieting, a warm breeze after winter, coffee after finals, sleeping in the first time in a year and waking up to the afternoon sun streaming through your window, the smell of the library, hearing someone tell you they like you after wishing so hard. Happiness, that's what it was.
Ever since I got home, things were eh. My parents found out that I skipped. And Mathew... Actually first my dad and I watched the Ukraine game. They won! It was great! Then things went down. So to cheer myself up I've been listening to disney songs and opera, for like 4 hours now...it helps a bit. And wandering around the basement, where I sorted through barbie dolls, and found a white scarf that's not warm, just white...Talked to Mathew...We are slipping...there's only one week, not ever till school gets out, I know things will be fine as far a summer is concerned but longer than that...
The color of the sky: Foggy grey, weight down with winter winds and blue feelings...but we managed to find warmth in each others company today. It was fun. Winter skies and summer spirit.
Thursday 6 June 2013
Lemon drop candies
I finally finished my english final after 5 hours. Omgosh it feels great to be done. I'm going to get an A because I b.s.ed it pretty well and it's 10 pages long. I constitute that as a passing grade. And it actually doesn't matter, but it makes me happy.
I really need to shower...I haven't eaten since breakfast? I don't know. Actually I had fruit snacks. I live off of those now, they taste so good! Though I really wish my family bought the target kind...? or maybe it's wallmart. Not really sure, but those ones are the best kind. Costco's are fine too.
We really slacked off in english today, we were suppose to be doing our scene from Midsummer (nights dream) which we did, but we really goofed off after the first like 20 minutes. It was so nice out, and people kept coming by and saying hi and yea. Anyway it was fun. Tomorrows the last full day of school. It's strange, that things are ending. I'm going to be a junior next year, but people still think that I'm 12.
Oh and I only ate 2 cookies today! Improvement.
I should go do math and french now...darn.
The color of the sky: Lined with street lamps, like lanters shimmering above the blue black murky waters reflecting the lights that guide the wandering souls.
Oh my god, I want toast. But there's no bread...
I really need to shower...I haven't eaten since breakfast? I don't know. Actually I had fruit snacks. I live off of those now, they taste so good! Though I really wish my family bought the target kind...? or maybe it's wallmart. Not really sure, but those ones are the best kind. Costco's are fine too.
We really slacked off in english today, we were suppose to be doing our scene from Midsummer (nights dream) which we did, but we really goofed off after the first like 20 minutes. It was so nice out, and people kept coming by and saying hi and yea. Anyway it was fun. Tomorrows the last full day of school. It's strange, that things are ending. I'm going to be a junior next year, but people still think that I'm 12.
Oh and I only ate 2 cookies today! Improvement.
I should go do math and french now...darn.
The color of the sky: Lined with street lamps, like lanters shimmering above the blue black murky waters reflecting the lights that guide the wandering souls.
Oh my god, I want toast. But there's no bread...
Wednesday 5 June 2013
the death of finals
I watched 500 Days Of Summer yesterday instead of doing my homework. Today it's Farewell My Queen, but I'm also going to finish my english final. Cause that ones due this friday. It so strange that the school years almost over. As much as I long for that, it seems strange...It's that moment before something wonderful happens and your stranded in limbo. I should re-read Lights Out in Wonderland, that was such a good book.
I complied a book list for the summer, 20 books. I should probably pay off that massive library fine that I've got... Anyways, Book 1: Eight White Nights.
Theatre ended. Now there so much free time, and nothing to do...so I waste time as always.
Mathew and I snuck into the makeup room after school and lay around on the couches for a while. It's so quiet and empty, but it will always feel like home...
The color of the sky: Glass reflecting sunlight which scattered across the looming purple clouds to the east. Which cast a shadow dampening the bright colors of summer.
Ohmygosh why is english so hard...
I complied a book list for the summer, 20 books. I should probably pay off that massive library fine that I've got... Anyways, Book 1: Eight White Nights.
Theatre ended. Now there so much free time, and nothing to do...so I waste time as always.
Mathew and I snuck into the makeup room after school and lay around on the couches for a while. It's so quiet and empty, but it will always feel like home...
The color of the sky: Glass reflecting sunlight which scattered across the looming purple clouds to the east. Which cast a shadow dampening the bright colors of summer.
Ohmygosh why is english so hard...
Tuesday 4 June 2013
What is the color of summer?
I finally can write and think about something other than Mathew. Actually I really stopped thinking about him a week ago, I just didn't have anything to say that didn't involve him. And now summer's almost here. 8 more days of school, and all I want to do is sleep and run away from all these people, to just go and leave it all behind. Everything and everyone.
Wanderlust...
I dunno, I feel like things I'm saying make sense in my mind but who knows if they're right or even realistic.
Also I keep getting this feeling that instead of being almost adults, we're just kids. We have no control over our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. It weighs down on me, and I wonder how insignificant are we?
I need to stop eating cookies.
The color of the sky: Clear chlorine blue, the kind you see reflecting the sunlight when you look up from the bottom of a pool. Like summer.
Wanderlust...
I dunno, I feel like things I'm saying make sense in my mind but who knows if they're right or even realistic.
Also I keep getting this feeling that instead of being almost adults, we're just kids. We have no control over our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. It weighs down on me, and I wonder how insignificant are we?
I need to stop eating cookies.
The color of the sky: Clear chlorine blue, the kind you see reflecting the sunlight when you look up from the bottom of a pool. Like summer.
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Take me to your world, he said
I trudged to school in rain boots after a 50% precipitation report appeared on my computer screen. All day I prayed for rain, and it didn't come...it was rather disappointing.
Isaac and Nicole broke up...he's depressed. It's like a cold that's going around, one after another we're all catching it and slowly dying of it.
Up in the Air came out today!!!!!! Listened to the previews on itunes over and over again. I wish I had one more itunes gift card so I could just get the album! I want it so bad!
I got to visit Sophia today! I didn't realise how much I actually missed her. We talk all the time but it was so different seeing her in person. I can't wait till Mathew gets to meet her. We got Fufu berry juice and ice cream and just talked. It was like old times, back at the other school. So different but the same in a way. Nostalgic...
Mathew and I have been getting along great. He cleared up the dating thing, his parents don't want him to. It's a bit irritating, cause I feel like he's just doing what they want and not what he wants. But it's ok, the feelings are mutual and after all it's just a label. We've been talking a lot more, and really getting to know each other.
OH AND NOW IT RAINS.
Anyways...its funny though, we talk but we also have these long silences when we're together. When we just sit there and that's all. Its as if we both understand that we don't need words to express our feelings, and we can just be together.
Michelles having really big issues...she's depressed and for good reasons, her brother got killed a while ago. But she can't get over it. And she's so uncertain about her relationship with Nick. It really bugs me cause one of them's going to get hurt and I'm sorry to say it will be her fault...but Nick will blame himself and so will she and it's going to be horrible. I just don't know what to tell her exactly. And she's trying to "help" with my relationship, but it's just making me so uncertain about things.
The color of the sky: Building clouds, piling up like mounds of clean linen. Tinted a light pink as if someone had left an article of blush colored clothing in the wash.
Oh he actually kinda said that...he said that he wants to see my world. And to get to know the girl that reads, the girl he fell in love with.
I just wonder about Nikki sometimes...
Isaac and Nicole broke up...he's depressed. It's like a cold that's going around, one after another we're all catching it and slowly dying of it.
Up in the Air came out today!!!!!! Listened to the previews on itunes over and over again. I wish I had one more itunes gift card so I could just get the album! I want it so bad!
I got to visit Sophia today! I didn't realise how much I actually missed her. We talk all the time but it was so different seeing her in person. I can't wait till Mathew gets to meet her. We got Fufu berry juice and ice cream and just talked. It was like old times, back at the other school. So different but the same in a way. Nostalgic...
Mathew and I have been getting along great. He cleared up the dating thing, his parents don't want him to. It's a bit irritating, cause I feel like he's just doing what they want and not what he wants. But it's ok, the feelings are mutual and after all it's just a label. We've been talking a lot more, and really getting to know each other.
OH AND NOW IT RAINS.
Anyways...its funny though, we talk but we also have these long silences when we're together. When we just sit there and that's all. Its as if we both understand that we don't need words to express our feelings, and we can just be together.
Michelles having really big issues...she's depressed and for good reasons, her brother got killed a while ago. But she can't get over it. And she's so uncertain about her relationship with Nick. It really bugs me cause one of them's going to get hurt and I'm sorry to say it will be her fault...but Nick will blame himself and so will she and it's going to be horrible. I just don't know what to tell her exactly. And she's trying to "help" with my relationship, but it's just making me so uncertain about things.
The color of the sky: Building clouds, piling up like mounds of clean linen. Tinted a light pink as if someone had left an article of blush colored clothing in the wash.
Oh he actually kinda said that...he said that he wants to see my world. And to get to know the girl that reads, the girl he fell in love with.
I just wonder about Nikki sometimes...
Saturday 18 May 2013
Come on come on, jump a little higher.
Oh I don't know what to say anymore.
There's constantly so many thoughts going through my mind about him.
1. Do I love him.
2. Why aren't we dating?
3. He really turns me on.
4. I want to do everything with him.
5. He needs to stop just kissing me.
and it goes on and on and on...yeah. Let's see...I left off on monday...so that's 6 days. Well we didn't really do anything over the week till friday (I mean we kissed and made out and stuff...but whatever). Friday I skipped class and was talking to Nick alone. And Mathew walked in on us. We weren't doing anything, I was just trying to help out with Michelle. He got really jealous. It was cute in a way but a bit annoying. He should know that Nick and I are like brother and sister. He was sulking the whole first bus ride. After we got off, and we were waiting for a while, he asked this random taxi driver when the bus would come. It wasn't even that funny, but I just laughed and laughed. My laughter is contagious and soon we were laughing and back to normal. So we ran to get cupcakes, which was really funny and stupid and we made the bus!!! That was great actually. I think it was after that that I stopped minding the kissing. We had an adventure and I shared a big part of my life and love of fantasy with him in that moment, even if he doesn't understand yet...
I really do want to do everything with him. Stupid adventures, parties, dances, everything! Maybe I am actually falling in love with him...
I noticed that I stopped caring that he's really cute I just love his personality, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so confident about me (sorry about all the lovey dovey stuff).
Today was a friends MORP (prom spelled backwards), her birthday party/prom/party. I wore my mothers old dress, white with black polkadots that was just a bit too big along the bra line and kept sliding down when I put my hands up. Mathew wore a matching tie. It was SO FUN! Party in new york with out the drugs and stuff. We just danced and were weird together. Everyone there was from theatre or we knew them somehow so it was just perfect. We slow danced...oh and this was at a Mormon Church...of all places. We ran around, messed around, were all weird together. I just can't describe it all, maybe I'll post a picture later. We walked around the church, talking about each other, kissing (while walking it doesn't work), laying outside on the grass ignoring the rest of the world...later the txts were perfect. Him: "I love you to the moon and back."
Me: "I love you all the way across the channel of guilder, cliffs of insanity, the fire swamp and back"
We're Princess Bride geeks.
And yeah....that's my life and I should write more about it and less about Mathew...
The color of the sky: Clear purple velvet blackness, with a half moon glowing orange above the church spire. A glimmer of stars raining down through the darkness.
Oh there so many things I want to just describe...but they get lost in that moment, and I can't bring them back...
There's constantly so many thoughts going through my mind about him.
1. Do I love him.
2. Why aren't we dating?
3. He really turns me on.
4. I want to do everything with him.
5. He needs to stop just kissing me.
and it goes on and on and on...yeah. Let's see...I left off on monday...so that's 6 days. Well we didn't really do anything over the week till friday (I mean we kissed and made out and stuff...but whatever). Friday I skipped class and was talking to Nick alone. And Mathew walked in on us. We weren't doing anything, I was just trying to help out with Michelle. He got really jealous. It was cute in a way but a bit annoying. He should know that Nick and I are like brother and sister. He was sulking the whole first bus ride. After we got off, and we were waiting for a while, he asked this random taxi driver when the bus would come. It wasn't even that funny, but I just laughed and laughed. My laughter is contagious and soon we were laughing and back to normal. So we ran to get cupcakes, which was really funny and stupid and we made the bus!!! That was great actually. I think it was after that that I stopped minding the kissing. We had an adventure and I shared a big part of my life and love of fantasy with him in that moment, even if he doesn't understand yet...
I really do want to do everything with him. Stupid adventures, parties, dances, everything! Maybe I am actually falling in love with him...
I noticed that I stopped caring that he's really cute I just love his personality, and the way he looks at me and makes me feel so confident about me (sorry about all the lovey dovey stuff).
Today was a friends MORP (prom spelled backwards), her birthday party/prom/party. I wore my mothers old dress, white with black polkadots that was just a bit too big along the bra line and kept sliding down when I put my hands up. Mathew wore a matching tie. It was SO FUN! Party in new york with out the drugs and stuff. We just danced and were weird together. Everyone there was from theatre or we knew them somehow so it was just perfect. We slow danced...oh and this was at a Mormon Church...of all places. We ran around, messed around, were all weird together. I just can't describe it all, maybe I'll post a picture later. We walked around the church, talking about each other, kissing (while walking it doesn't work), laying outside on the grass ignoring the rest of the world...later the txts were perfect. Him: "I love you to the moon and back."
Me: "I love you all the way across the channel of guilder, cliffs of insanity, the fire swamp and back"
We're Princess Bride geeks.
And yeah....that's my life and I should write more about it and less about Mathew...
The color of the sky: Clear purple velvet blackness, with a half moon glowing orange above the church spire. A glimmer of stars raining down through the darkness.
Oh there so many things I want to just describe...but they get lost in that moment, and I can't bring them back...
Monday 13 May 2013
I wish it were an ending cause it'd be a happy one
It's a funny thought knowing that you took someones first kiss.
Today was like hell and back all over again. I saw him in the morning, and he looked horrible. Tired, sick, not good at all. We met up for lunch with Christopher, and you could see it on his face how annoyed he was at something...probably Christopher. Well it was super awkward, and afterwards as I walked him to class we started talking, and he says: "So I think we like each other, and we know that, I mean we've said it quite often recently. So if I'm right we're kinda a thing, but we're just...not together right?" I died. "Yup we're a thing but we're not dating."
We are officially unofficial!
The rest of the day was well pretty wonderful. I skipped 7th hour and sat with Mathew in the practise room, txting Sophia and just talking.
Rehearsals were great today too, really funny, and stuff.
After all that we took the bus home. He put his arm around me like he always does. It's just this time for me it was different. I couldn't stop thinking that what if I was wrong, what if I don't like him, why did I do this? That's when I kinda finally fully acknowledged it. I'm getting depressed or something. Cause I haven't been eating, can't sleep, haven't been happy even when he txts me and cuddles with me, shit it's happening all over again. It's been a while though...I just hope it's a minor case and me just recovering from the emotional roller coaster. I should have felt so happy then, but I just didn't and it felt horrible, especially me questioning the fact that I like him. It's like that box deep in my mind where I hid all the horrible things, all the loneliness and depression and it's leaking...He kissed my forehead so many times. And I felt like I should just die of happiness but I didn't feel anything...
And I'm so scared cause I don't want to put him through what I went through cause of his problems. I don't mind, and I've survived, but I dunno what it would do to him...
Well at the end of the second bus ride. After more cuddling and stuff, and him asking me when I would teach him how to kiss, lol. He was getting off...and he leaned down to kiss my cheek and I leaned up to kiss his, and there was that moment of perfect being. Right before what could be the happiest moment is this equilibrium...it's so beautiful. And we kissed.
#high school drama
I woke up to a txt message sent the night before from Mathew. I replied and fell asleep (it was 6:32). When I woke up again I though it was all a dream. But it wasn't. He'd asked how the movie was, and sorry if he woke me up. I wrote that it was good. We had a few more awkward chats, but nothing big until I finally sent him, "listen to Lullaby by Nickleback."
"in the near past we did express to each other that we both liked each other. Nothing has been set in stone and right now i'm not to interested in being in a serious relationship. So i mean right now were just enjoying each others company as good friends. And that's all it is right now! Nothing more and right now Chris I think you should just have nothing intentional than being just her friend right now. If that's meant to be it'll happen, but only time will tell."
It makes me really happy...so maybe it will work out....
That song clearly describes what I wanted to say and relate to him, the depression, how scared I am, that I'm there for him. Him "='( I don't know what to say."And the conversing began.
He told me about Christopher. I was messaging him on Fb last night. And he likes me. I know but Mathew told me. "He really likes you..." It wouldn't be that bad but they're friends...it was terrifying. I've mentioned before that one of my greatest fears is rejecting people...it sucks.
Then he asked why I liked him. "You can't ask why about love." I love the fact that I can just quote these things. Makes me feel a bit better about stuff. He didn't press it.
What else was there. It's all buiried in piles of endless txts...oh I finally said it.
"I'll wait for you. Just don't push me away and don't tell me I don't deserve you I'll decide that for myself. And I'm really scared too." I think that really cleared up some stuff...It really lightened up after that. I'm still scared that nothings going to change in the long run and it's just a temporary solution...We'll just have to wait and see.
Chris also started talking to me. And it's really bad cause he really likes me. And Mathews jealous...and it's cute. And things are starting to look up I think. Mathew sent this to Chris:
Chris also started talking to me. And it's really bad cause he really likes me. And Mathews jealous...and it's cute. And things are starting to look up I think. Mathew sent this to Chris:
"in the near past we did express to each other that we both liked each other. Nothing has been set in stone and right now i'm not to interested in being in a serious relationship. So i mean right now were just enjoying each others company as good friends. And that's all it is right now! Nothing more and right now Chris I think you should just have nothing intentional than being just her friend right now. If that's meant to be it'll happen, but only time will tell."
It makes me really happy...so maybe it will work out....
Sunday 12 May 2013
Roller coasters won't kill you...i hope
I went to see The Great Gatsby anyways with Michelle and Nanny. We make a cute perfect trio. All through the movie I couldn't consentrate. I just kept thinking about the empty seat next to me. There was a couple in front of us and I just kept thinking about us and our bus rides.
I used to think a lot about the future. Now I hate that word. It has no meaning. Only the present matters now. What I can do right now, and not waste any more time.
After the movie the trio went to Starbucks ordered coffee and cookies and settled down at a small circular table and started talking. Mathew's been talking to Michelle, it's such a relief actually. Cause now I can talk to her about the problems. The problem is he's trying to convince me that I shouldn't be with him but he tells her that he doesn't think I deserve him even though he wants to be with me. "We accept the love we think we deserve". It's so confusing and messed up...He's suicidal right now...funny that all three of us have been there...now at least 3 people know. Actually I've had episodes while writing the blog..I just hope that this situation doesn't lead to that, cause one person wanting to kill themselves is enough. We talked about our problems with boys amidst funny conversations and the usual summer plans and such. I was shaking when I set Mathew the txts and terrified every time the phone buzzed.
When I got home the fb world opened up. Talked to Michelle who was talking to Mathew, she's our go-between now. And Chris, the freshman who's close friends with Mathew, he's a nice kid. And I started talking to Sophia and told her about the depression I've had, and stuff, and we've really opened up to each other. I've been talking to a lot more people and it really helps. I guess I really do need people sometimes. I told Mathew that I've spent so much time aloe that I've gotten used to it, that or I'm just good at lying to myself. Both probably. And it's true, but having someone to talk to and that will listen is just...so helpful. Also thanks AozoraYume, really thank you.
I fell asleep crying at like 2 am...It was bad.
I used to think a lot about the future. Now I hate that word. It has no meaning. Only the present matters now. What I can do right now, and not waste any more time.
After the movie the trio went to Starbucks ordered coffee and cookies and settled down at a small circular table and started talking. Mathew's been talking to Michelle, it's such a relief actually. Cause now I can talk to her about the problems. The problem is he's trying to convince me that I shouldn't be with him but he tells her that he doesn't think I deserve him even though he wants to be with me. "We accept the love we think we deserve". It's so confusing and messed up...He's suicidal right now...funny that all three of us have been there...now at least 3 people know. Actually I've had episodes while writing the blog..I just hope that this situation doesn't lead to that, cause one person wanting to kill themselves is enough. We talked about our problems with boys amidst funny conversations and the usual summer plans and such. I was shaking when I set Mathew the txts and terrified every time the phone buzzed.
When I got home the fb world opened up. Talked to Michelle who was talking to Mathew, she's our go-between now. And Chris, the freshman who's close friends with Mathew, he's a nice kid. And I started talking to Sophia and told her about the depression I've had, and stuff, and we've really opened up to each other. I've been talking to a lot more people and it really helps. I guess I really do need people sometimes. I told Mathew that I've spent so much time aloe that I've gotten used to it, that or I'm just good at lying to myself. Both probably. And it's true, but having someone to talk to and that will listen is just...so helpful. Also thanks AozoraYume, really thank you.
I fell asleep crying at like 2 am...It was bad.
Saturday 11 May 2013
search: "My boyfriend is depressed what do I do?", wait...he isn't my boyfriend
Last night, was probably one of the worst things that has happened to me in a while, but I know it's just gonna keep getting worse.
Before these 10 days I would go to bed not really caring, just to sleep and slip away from reality for a bit. For 10 days I didn't want to sleep, fearing that I would wake up and it was all just a dream. Now I don't want to sleep because I'm so scared that if I fall asleep I'll wake up and he won't be there anymore.
I left of with the question of if he was depressed or not. Well he told me that he's depressed and it's really bad. And the txt message that I got last night...I just didn't know what to do. I'd just gotten out of the shower in a really good mood since he'd asked me to see the Great Gatsby with him and some friends (double date) right before that. I heard the phone ring, checking the message all I saw was "I'm so sorry". That was the second part...the first part :
Right now we just need to be friends. Nothing more, I'm sorry but stuff is happening to me and you don't deserve a guy that can't even stand himself. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future we can do this again but right now I can't risk having you or me hurt.
I still don't totally know what to say. But I messaged him on fb about it. And I just couldn't write down all the things I wanted to say. I just couldn't find the right words for anything. There's so many questions and things I want to know. He can't just assume some of these things but others I can't argue. And just as everything was going to be fine it's just...ending. But I can't just let it end like this. He's all that I can think of now. "I've walked to close to love and now I've fallen in." Maybe that's it. I don't know. I'd normally talk to Nicole, but I feel like this time it's different...
I couldn't sleep last night, well I did eventually cry myself to sleep...that's all I can actually seem to do, is cry and write down everything in long lists on paper. I want to show him the things I've written, all the questions I want to ask him all the things I just can't say over fb and txts. I'm just so worried about him now and really selfishly about me and our relationship. I should just be worried about him cause he's the one going through some really rough shit, but I can't help but think about the rest of it...what's gonna happen to me. I'd do anything for him to get better, but there isn't much to do except stand by him and now that he's pushing me away...I just don't know anything anymore.
I tell myself that I've gotta be brave, but it's so hard cause I've never been this scared in my entire life.
Before these 10 days I would go to bed not really caring, just to sleep and slip away from reality for a bit. For 10 days I didn't want to sleep, fearing that I would wake up and it was all just a dream. Now I don't want to sleep because I'm so scared that if I fall asleep I'll wake up and he won't be there anymore.
I left of with the question of if he was depressed or not. Well he told me that he's depressed and it's really bad. And the txt message that I got last night...I just didn't know what to do. I'd just gotten out of the shower in a really good mood since he'd asked me to see the Great Gatsby with him and some friends (double date) right before that. I heard the phone ring, checking the message all I saw was "I'm so sorry". That was the second part...the first part :
Right now we just need to be friends. Nothing more, I'm sorry but stuff is happening to me and you don't deserve a guy that can't even stand himself. I'm sorry. Maybe in the future we can do this again but right now I can't risk having you or me hurt.
I still don't totally know what to say. But I messaged him on fb about it. And I just couldn't write down all the things I wanted to say. I just couldn't find the right words for anything. There's so many questions and things I want to know. He can't just assume some of these things but others I can't argue. And just as everything was going to be fine it's just...ending. But I can't just let it end like this. He's all that I can think of now. "I've walked to close to love and now I've fallen in." Maybe that's it. I don't know. I'd normally talk to Nicole, but I feel like this time it's different...
I couldn't sleep last night, well I did eventually cry myself to sleep...that's all I can actually seem to do, is cry and write down everything in long lists on paper. I want to show him the things I've written, all the questions I want to ask him all the things I just can't say over fb and txts. I'm just so worried about him now and really selfishly about me and our relationship. I should just be worried about him cause he's the one going through some really rough shit, but I can't help but think about the rest of it...what's gonna happen to me. I'd do anything for him to get better, but there isn't much to do except stand by him and now that he's pushing me away...I just don't know anything anymore.
I tell myself that I've gotta be brave, but it's so hard cause I've never been this scared in my entire life.
Thursday 9 May 2013
I'm running short on inspiration and he's running long on borrowed time
"You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
I'm chasing it!
I guess it's been a while...again. It seems like everything and nothing goes on all at once.
Red shorts
my rooms smells like camel popcorn even though it's peanut butter and pretzel remnants
missed kisses
sunflowers
allergies
talking to Sophia
young love
Depression
Weight
txt messages
beautiful
I need to start writing down this dream of reality before it disappears forever, erased by the rain.
I left off being mad at Mathew well a lot changed. 10 days has become another lifetime.
It was really awkward between us for a few days, I was scared to talk about it and I think he was too. Then Wednesday May 1st after rehearsal he asked if I wanted to take the bus home with him. So I said hell why not. The first ride was like releasing a breath that we'd been holding in for much too long. Teasing, flirting and laughing at each others sarcastic remarks (sarcasm is how we communicate). The second ride we sat in the very middle of the last isle. And after a few semi awkward minutes he noticed that my hair was being picked up by the A.C. His adorable worried and innocent face accompanied his fretting voice that made me laugh even more. To fix the problem of my hair he put his arm around me. It was a moment as if every txt message and teenage love story dream had suddenly begun. I would look up and meet his brown eyes and smile.
After the bus incident we started talking a lot more, the txt messages never ended.
May 4. Saturday after the last show Michelle invited him to the cast party. Everyone was nagging at us to kiss and crap and it was a bit unnerving actually cause he did say he didn't want that but with the stuff that happened...it was getting awkward. When he left Dan yelled, I love you! Mathew replied and I yelled back I love you. He then txted my that he didn't love me, then "jk, i love you". Our txts that night went on till 2:30. The conversation started with the question of whether or not we should date. At this point I was at home, sitting in the centre of a rug in my room burning candles and cookies and praying to all spirits of the world that it would work out. He said he still wasn't ready and didn't want to get hurt or have me get hurt. I understand, I replied. Then I told him I like him and he said that likewise, that he likes me. But after our little touch of seriousness we lost all control over our words. He told me that on the bus ride he wanted to kiss me. So we joked about that and we teased each other for hours after.
That weekend we just talked and talked and as the week started all I could think about was him.
May 6th. Meeting for the next show, we sat there holding hands. It was really sweet. Everyone saw and again the rumours of us dating spread around the theatre like wild fire.
May 7th. Went on a "date" got coffee. And it was really awkward until we got on thee bus where we cuddled and it was cute.
May 8th. We had a "half day" at school. So a group of us theatre kids went downtown to get bubble tea. Mathew started getting a really bad allergic reaction while we were walking there. So while everyone else went off to get cupcakes and get high we stayed at the cafe. I was going to see Sophia that day but seeing as Mathew was looking really bad I txted her saying I couldn't make it and took the bus back to school with him. The usual bus procedures followed. The cutes part though was his red basketball shorts. He started just shifting his wight, moving his legs and such, eventually ended up with a hand in his pocket, good way to hide a boner. We spent the rest of our time laying on the grass outside the theatre holding hands. He tried to kiss me, which was really adorable, but he kissed my nose and later my forehead.
Later that night he txted me, "thanks for staying with me, it really means a lot to me."
"I didn't really do anything...but ok"
"You could have left, but you stayed by my side, thank you so much." I don't understand how I could have left him there. I just couldn't understand it...
May 9th. Today. His allergies were really bad again. And he left early. But I saw him during lunch. Dan was skipping to hang out with us. When we saw Mathew we asked if he was ok, he said, No the allergy medicine isn't going well with the pills I take for my depression.
That actually really scared me. I brushed it off then and we just sat there talking. I saw Nick after 5th hour, by that time I was really in a horrible mood because of people in my class and the thing Mathew said. So I talked to him. And Nick told me that I can't do anything for him, that he (Mathew) has to deal with this on his own, and I just need to be there for him and do the little things that help. That just made it worse honestly. I want to help him so bad, but I can't. He's right, there is nothing that I can do! And it makes me feel horrible. I sat outside wondering about it. The more I think about it the more scared I am for him and what's going to happen to me? I'm falling hard for this gorgeous and depressed boy. What am I going to do...
I'm running short on inspiration for everything, I just don't know what to do anymore. He's running long on borrowed time, failing class, chasing dreams, and things he needs to tell me...
I'm chasing it!
I guess it's been a while...again. It seems like everything and nothing goes on all at once.
Red shorts
my rooms smells like camel popcorn even though it's peanut butter and pretzel remnants
missed kisses
sunflowers
allergies
talking to Sophia
young love
Depression
Weight
txt messages
beautiful
I need to start writing down this dream of reality before it disappears forever, erased by the rain.
I left off being mad at Mathew well a lot changed. 10 days has become another lifetime.
It was really awkward between us for a few days, I was scared to talk about it and I think he was too. Then Wednesday May 1st after rehearsal he asked if I wanted to take the bus home with him. So I said hell why not. The first ride was like releasing a breath that we'd been holding in for much too long. Teasing, flirting and laughing at each others sarcastic remarks (sarcasm is how we communicate). The second ride we sat in the very middle of the last isle. And after a few semi awkward minutes he noticed that my hair was being picked up by the A.C. His adorable worried and innocent face accompanied his fretting voice that made me laugh even more. To fix the problem of my hair he put his arm around me. It was a moment as if every txt message and teenage love story dream had suddenly begun. I would look up and meet his brown eyes and smile.
After the bus incident we started talking a lot more, the txt messages never ended.
May 4. Saturday after the last show Michelle invited him to the cast party. Everyone was nagging at us to kiss and crap and it was a bit unnerving actually cause he did say he didn't want that but with the stuff that happened...it was getting awkward. When he left Dan yelled, I love you! Mathew replied and I yelled back I love you. He then txted my that he didn't love me, then "jk, i love you". Our txts that night went on till 2:30. The conversation started with the question of whether or not we should date. At this point I was at home, sitting in the centre of a rug in my room burning candles and cookies and praying to all spirits of the world that it would work out. He said he still wasn't ready and didn't want to get hurt or have me get hurt. I understand, I replied. Then I told him I like him and he said that likewise, that he likes me. But after our little touch of seriousness we lost all control over our words. He told me that on the bus ride he wanted to kiss me. So we joked about that and we teased each other for hours after.
That weekend we just talked and talked and as the week started all I could think about was him.
May 6th. Meeting for the next show, we sat there holding hands. It was really sweet. Everyone saw and again the rumours of us dating spread around the theatre like wild fire.
May 7th. Went on a "date" got coffee. And it was really awkward until we got on thee bus where we cuddled and it was cute.
May 8th. We had a "half day" at school. So a group of us theatre kids went downtown to get bubble tea. Mathew started getting a really bad allergic reaction while we were walking there. So while everyone else went off to get cupcakes and get high we stayed at the cafe. I was going to see Sophia that day but seeing as Mathew was looking really bad I txted her saying I couldn't make it and took the bus back to school with him. The usual bus procedures followed. The cutes part though was his red basketball shorts. He started just shifting his wight, moving his legs and such, eventually ended up with a hand in his pocket, good way to hide a boner. We spent the rest of our time laying on the grass outside the theatre holding hands. He tried to kiss me, which was really adorable, but he kissed my nose and later my forehead.
Later that night he txted me, "thanks for staying with me, it really means a lot to me."
"I didn't really do anything...but ok"
"You could have left, but you stayed by my side, thank you so much." I don't understand how I could have left him there. I just couldn't understand it...
May 9th. Today. His allergies were really bad again. And he left early. But I saw him during lunch. Dan was skipping to hang out with us. When we saw Mathew we asked if he was ok, he said, No the allergy medicine isn't going well with the pills I take for my depression.
That actually really scared me. I brushed it off then and we just sat there talking. I saw Nick after 5th hour, by that time I was really in a horrible mood because of people in my class and the thing Mathew said. So I talked to him. And Nick told me that I can't do anything for him, that he (Mathew) has to deal with this on his own, and I just need to be there for him and do the little things that help. That just made it worse honestly. I want to help him so bad, but I can't. He's right, there is nothing that I can do! And it makes me feel horrible. I sat outside wondering about it. The more I think about it the more scared I am for him and what's going to happen to me? I'm falling hard for this gorgeous and depressed boy. What am I going to do...
I'm running short on inspiration for everything, I just don't know what to do anymore. He's running long on borrowed time, failing class, chasing dreams, and things he needs to tell me...
Tuesday 30 April 2013
Let's dance in the rain together....
I left off with a semi heart break and being super annoyed and frustrated at that boy, who is perfect until you get to know him, Mathew. I finally calmed down enough on Sunday to realise that it isn't his fault, nor mine. He's going through some rough times, and I see that very clearly now. It's still really...irritating and rather awkward for me at least. And I want to say that he really meant all that and that he likes me, but I just don't know. There's so much that I want to talk to him about. Ask him if he likes me, as him what's wrong and talk about all that, figure out what's going to happen to us, if there even ever will be two people in a relationship here or just friends.
Don Jose is sitting behind me right now. It's actually rather funny. Yesterday when I walked out of 7th hour, this hour, there was Mathew and Sia were waiting for me, then Jose walked out. I was literally a love triangle. Right there. All those people present, Sia, Jose, Mathew, me, Mari.
I haven't been anywhere but fb recently, cause I can just talk to Nicole and Nick about Mathew and all that stuff.
Today at lunch I stopped by the practice room where Mathew spends every spare second he has practicing. I kinda just sat there and we talked a bit. He's...inspiring. I felt suddenly that I was Shizuku from Whisper of the Heart, when she finds out about Seiji's dreams to be a professional violin maker. Except with Mathew it's music. It's absurd the amount he practises, and no wonder he's failing school. I listened and it hit me what do I want to do, this kid has it all planned out and he's following his dreams, what am I doing? Waiting for him to txt me. It's pathetic kinda...All I do is find ways to run away from the world...he's out there doing something.
We've been talking again, and my txting's gone up to unlimited.
I lost 2 lbs.
I've got A's and B's which will drop to D's if I don't start doing my homework.
The color of the sky: It turned pink as the storm approached, as the rest of the premise was plunged into a deep indigo dye the outer limits of the world were pink. I stared with wonder at the scene outside the lunch room windows. I hope it rains...and just keeps raining until...until something.
Saturday 27 April 2013
Slipping through the crack in the stage floor
I'm in a venting frustrated mood...so fuck you Mathew.
This religious conflict romeo-juliet story has taken a turn for the worst. Thursday night we txted from 8 till past midnight. Conversations about hating the history class turned into a adventure story that had a happily ever after. After that he asked, "so what's going on in Sky's world?"
"Hw, you know. What about you? What you up to?"
"Oh, just txting this really hot girl and thinking about her."
"Oh, well i think she's txting you and thinking about you too. oops did i say think, i meant is."
"Is she now?"
"Yes."
Establishing that he likes me and I like him. Not too complicated. So we decided to meet after our first hour. He was late, and apologised, and I brushed it off. "No, I meant about the txts last night, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Can we still be friends?"
"Yeah, sure, I mean it's fine. Don't worry bout it..."
He left me standing alone in the hallway as kids rushed to their friday classes. And I just stood there ready to cry, unsure of where the emotions were coming from. Did I really like him?... Well I skipped. Off to the park, and sang for an hour. Letting everything, or as much as I could out through the beat and melody.
He even told me I was hot, cute, really pretty, and I give the best hugs. What the hell. He could have at least said something like, I'm not ready now but if you could wait until I am, or something, don't just say that! Goddammitt.
Emi saw us and said we looked cute together and I couldn't say nothing. So I stayed quiet all day, skipping another class and getting caught. Resulting in some serious arrogance and attitude, crying to get out of it and bunch of good acting. I finally vented out to Nick, Nicole and Isaac. Later to Dan and Elaine. I haven't cried yet but I can't get him out of my mind. This ain't ending this way. It sucks that tomorrow is sunday, cause I need to fix this. I wanted this to solve shit, but instead I've found myself slipping into a vortex of confusion and I don't know what...It's almost like I've been given a perfect chance, the happily ever after, and it's slipping away from me. It's so perfect and yet it doesn't work...really like Shakespearean play.
...He looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink...
I just wish he'd come to the show...or txt me back.
This religious conflict romeo-juliet story has taken a turn for the worst. Thursday night we txted from 8 till past midnight. Conversations about hating the history class turned into a adventure story that had a happily ever after. After that he asked, "so what's going on in Sky's world?"
"Hw, you know. What about you? What you up to?"
"Oh, just txting this really hot girl and thinking about her."
"Oh, well i think she's txting you and thinking about you too. oops did i say think, i meant is."
"Is she now?"
"Yes."
Establishing that he likes me and I like him. Not too complicated. So we decided to meet after our first hour. He was late, and apologised, and I brushed it off. "No, I meant about the txts last night, I'm not ready for a relationship right now. Can we still be friends?"
"Yeah, sure, I mean it's fine. Don't worry bout it..."
He left me standing alone in the hallway as kids rushed to their friday classes. And I just stood there ready to cry, unsure of where the emotions were coming from. Did I really like him?... Well I skipped. Off to the park, and sang for an hour. Letting everything, or as much as I could out through the beat and melody.
He even told me I was hot, cute, really pretty, and I give the best hugs. What the hell. He could have at least said something like, I'm not ready now but if you could wait until I am, or something, don't just say that! Goddammitt.
Emi saw us and said we looked cute together and I couldn't say nothing. So I stayed quiet all day, skipping another class and getting caught. Resulting in some serious arrogance and attitude, crying to get out of it and bunch of good acting. I finally vented out to Nick, Nicole and Isaac. Later to Dan and Elaine. I haven't cried yet but I can't get him out of my mind. This ain't ending this way. It sucks that tomorrow is sunday, cause I need to fix this. I wanted this to solve shit, but instead I've found myself slipping into a vortex of confusion and I don't know what...It's almost like I've been given a perfect chance, the happily ever after, and it's slipping away from me. It's so perfect and yet it doesn't work...really like Shakespearean play.
...He looks like Duckie from Pretty in Pink...
I just wish he'd come to the show...or txt me back.
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Second chances brought about in winter storms
The world has suddenly become a web of txt messages that tell secrets known to no one that have all become mine. Message by message I became the centre of a love triangle. I became the pretty girl that guys like. It came first as cute confessions and bubbling giggles as they were read aloud during dinner. Later they came as clandestine conversations under tables about quiet loves. Then flat statements about other girls, gossip in bathrooms.
Don Jose likes me, has liked me for a while... Mathew likes me, but he's not sure if he wants a relationship after Nikki.
Mari and Sia like Jose. Mathew is super catholic.
People are arguing over who I should date.
I don't like people.
It's pretty sad though. I mean, it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, but do I really like either of them that much? I've been pulled along for now, but there's still a lingering memory of fall, and worry of hurting someone...actually both of them...and my friends....everyone.
...god the last time I talked about Mathew it was so...forever ago and I seemed rather naive. I'm sure it's not any better 5 months later. Hell...
The color of the sky: A flurry of snow. Reminding me of the never ending winter that I love so much. A second chance of sorts.
Don Jose likes me, has liked me for a while... Mathew likes me, but he's not sure if he wants a relationship after Nikki.
Mari and Sia like Jose. Mathew is super catholic.
People are arguing over who I should date.
I don't like people.
It's pretty sad though. I mean, it'd be nice to have a boyfriend, but do I really like either of them that much? I've been pulled along for now, but there's still a lingering memory of fall, and worry of hurting someone...actually both of them...and my friends....everyone.
...god the last time I talked about Mathew it was so...forever ago and I seemed rather naive. I'm sure it's not any better 5 months later. Hell...
The color of the sky: A flurry of snow. Reminding me of the never ending winter that I love so much. A second chance of sorts.
Monday 22 April 2013
Life is a drug, choose well
April 19th was another unconventionally perfect day in some way.
I spent the day chilling in the dark under-stair-well area with Nick. The space flooded with a black and white photographic light. Capturing the moment in a still framed one shot. Pausing on a third floor platform to glance away from Bob, and mutter a shy mumbled hello, to which I received an equally shy response. Rushing through the hallways, as I caught on to the game called skipping class. Stay 1 step ahead of the community assistants and the class principal.
April 21st was a calm undistributed day where I worked for hours on finishing write ups for Ukrainian stuff. It was simple productive work, something I have not done in a long time. The day was concluded with a 10 mile bike ride. Biking my way through downtown, past the university and hospital. Across the empty summer sun-lit roads. There was a boy, with bright orange hair, the color of an obnoxious sweater but if worn by the right person works. He sported a skate board and a tattoo of a weed plant on his neck. I was drawn first to his hair then his face, attractive yet provoking in some way I can't quite describe. I ran into him and his gang a few times. Saw them purchase weed from a rugged almost homeless looking black man. And I wondered if I'd seen him before.
Today Tech week began. It was a vivid blur of color, sound, laughter, music, jokes, hard work, sheer terror, dancing, sitting, and being alive. It's like being high on a hallucinogenic, or so I compare it to the things I've read. It was a happy, bright, hallucination. Complete with twisting dark spots, along the sunlit daisy high way of happiness, gloomy, death filled blue and purple places, between summer shades of yellow, orange, gold, and other bright colors.
I have fallen in love again with 2 things, Jared Leto (and 30 seconds to mars) and Cyrano De Bergerac. Both are inspiring me again! Especially Cyrano. I want to be like him. I really do, his character is simply incredible, and he's so inspiring.
I spent the day chilling in the dark under-stair-well area with Nick. The space flooded with a black and white photographic light. Capturing the moment in a still framed one shot. Pausing on a third floor platform to glance away from Bob, and mutter a shy mumbled hello, to which I received an equally shy response. Rushing through the hallways, as I caught on to the game called skipping class. Stay 1 step ahead of the community assistants and the class principal.
April 21st was a calm undistributed day where I worked for hours on finishing write ups for Ukrainian stuff. It was simple productive work, something I have not done in a long time. The day was concluded with a 10 mile bike ride. Biking my way through downtown, past the university and hospital. Across the empty summer sun-lit roads. There was a boy, with bright orange hair, the color of an obnoxious sweater but if worn by the right person works. He sported a skate board and a tattoo of a weed plant on his neck. I was drawn first to his hair then his face, attractive yet provoking in some way I can't quite describe. I ran into him and his gang a few times. Saw them purchase weed from a rugged almost homeless looking black man. And I wondered if I'd seen him before.
Today Tech week began. It was a vivid blur of color, sound, laughter, music, jokes, hard work, sheer terror, dancing, sitting, and being alive. It's like being high on a hallucinogenic, or so I compare it to the things I've read. It was a happy, bright, hallucination. Complete with twisting dark spots, along the sunlit daisy high way of happiness, gloomy, death filled blue and purple places, between summer shades of yellow, orange, gold, and other bright colors.
I have fallen in love again with 2 things, Jared Leto (and 30 seconds to mars) and Cyrano De Bergerac. Both are inspiring me again! Especially Cyrano. I want to be like him. I really do, his character is simply incredible, and he's so inspiring.
Thursday 18 April 2013
This love is just an inside joke
I slowly made my way across the street. The side from which I departed was lit in the usual manner of orange street lights shining in the midnight puddles under a black sky. On the other side lay a supernatural world. The sky blossomed into a white and orange mix of clouds. The road was deserted, leaving a dark street, fading into eternal darkness. No lights were on, no windows shone of warmth, only the last street lamp shone as a marker. It looked so alone at the start of the street, reminding me of Narnia, or the Neitherlands. Observing my shadow in on the glistening pavement I wondered if I could just walk off...to Fillory...Ah if only it could be so.
"Shhhh!" I whispered pressing my hand up to my face trying to suppress my own amusement as we peered around the corner. We couldn't see much, just the plain iron staircase spiralling up to where the action was taking place.
"TELL ME! I beg you!" "I don't know!" "Please! I'll do ANYTHING." "I don't know, anything!" It went on for a while, back and forth like a pendulum. The left over souls waiting for their parents began to cluster around, hanging on to every word that made it's way down to us.
"Hey let's go to the theatre, maybe we'll see something!" He said, and I followed, my hand still pressed over my smiling face.
The door creaked open, cautiously we stuck our heads through. Coast is clear. Huddling down we leaned forward trying to catch a glimpse of the excitement. The two heads moved closer.
"Oh my god, are the kissing?!" His voice held a note of excitement and slight disbelief.
"No....I think they really are! Shit!" I beamed unable to keep in my excitement. "Shit! They're kissing again?!"
We ran out laughing as though it was the best joke ever. Moments later our crowd broke the intimacy of the moment, laughter spilling from us.
"Shhhh!" I whispered pressing my hand up to my face trying to suppress my own amusement as we peered around the corner. We couldn't see much, just the plain iron staircase spiralling up to where the action was taking place.
"TELL ME! I beg you!" "I don't know!" "Please! I'll do ANYTHING." "I don't know, anything!" It went on for a while, back and forth like a pendulum. The left over souls waiting for their parents began to cluster around, hanging on to every word that made it's way down to us.
"Hey let's go to the theatre, maybe we'll see something!" He said, and I followed, my hand still pressed over my smiling face.
The door creaked open, cautiously we stuck our heads through. Coast is clear. Huddling down we leaned forward trying to catch a glimpse of the excitement. The two heads moved closer.
"Oh my god, are the kissing?!" His voice held a note of excitement and slight disbelief.
"No....I think they really are! Shit!" I beamed unable to keep in my excitement. "Shit! They're kissing again?!"
We ran out laughing as though it was the best joke ever. Moments later our crowd broke the intimacy of the moment, laughter spilling from us.
Wednesday 17 April 2013
A new beginning over coffee...and the story opens....
Nothing beat listening to the sound of rain hammering away on your roof, while talking to two best friends and sipping warm make shift tea. We talked about dating, Michelle and Nick, how he'd ask her out, how she'd like to be asked out. I've become the operator on a telegraph line, the middle man, a double agent created to bring happiness.
Between listening to Ghibli sound tracks I can hear the thunder and it makes me smile. It's worth it to be alive right now. I mean for the next 2 hours or so life will be perfect. Then we'll wake up and move on. That's ok cause tomorrow's a thursday. A day of love and coffee. Can't fucking wait!!!!!
The makeshift tea or honey and cinnamon is growing stronger as the liquid is drained down my throat while the smell of cinnamon fills the room.
The color of the sky: Streaks begin to form as the clouds fall down in steams or clear and silver, as the last sun light catches the drops.
Between listening to Ghibli sound tracks I can hear the thunder and it makes me smile. It's worth it to be alive right now. I mean for the next 2 hours or so life will be perfect. Then we'll wake up and move on. That's ok cause tomorrow's a thursday. A day of love and coffee. Can't fucking wait!!!!!
The makeshift tea or honey and cinnamon is growing stronger as the liquid is drained down my throat while the smell of cinnamon fills the room.
The color of the sky: Streaks begin to form as the clouds fall down in steams or clear and silver, as the last sun light catches the drops.
Tuesday 16 April 2013
Run away from life and this time don't regret it
I went on a run today a really long one that turned into an vivid scene. I started running, mouthing the words of the song playing on my ipod. The sky opened up into infinity above me, spots of white on a indigo sky pushed out till they reached the setting golden sun, simmering in clouds of marigold cast on the western horizon, and toward it I ran. I reached the end of the road in triumph, the cross roads was lit like a little city, street lamps, neon signs, cars whizzing by as the sky turned from dusk to dark. It smelled oddly of cotton candy, and a street fair than a cool spring night, as though I had lurched forward in time to a summer night ready to burst into color and excitement. I finally turned to run back, I was cut short by pain searing up my side. Breathing came hard accompanied by bursts of pain, but I didn't want to stop, so I kept walking, on into the dark unlit corners of the town. Past forests filled with stories of rape and odd bits of things forgotten, dark tunnels of trees and occasional blaring headlights. Sounds began to creep through the moments of silence in the music, frogs singing, and birds calling good night. Bats hovered above me and people stopped passing me by. The smell turned from a pleasant summer night to a cool camp midnight after a sticky hot day, the pungent smell of run-off and mud filled my lungs. I wanted to do that forever. Run until you can't run anymore, then walk until you can't walk anymore then go back to the beginning.
Sunday 14 April 2013
Cry you heart out so that it can never be broken
Well Christoph's got a girlfriend, some girl from some other school. I shouldn't be surprised and I shouldn't be sad. But I just feel depressed. Why?? Did I like him that much, or am I comparing myself to her, or and I regretting this, or feeling sorry for myself, or just being unconfident...I don't know, but I just want to sit here cry and not sleep till I feel better.
I'm doing homework which is something I've been putting off for a while.
Shit. I just can't write about anything. Why am I like this?! It's the tight feeling in my arms, let I'm holding on to something, heavy feeling in my chest, slow quiet breath calm but heartbreakingly painful, smile to hid the pain, wanting the music to just surround me and drown out everything else. I'll try later.
Homework helps, and music, keeps my mind off it, and awake somehow. I'm talking to Nick on fb. I love talking to him.
I still don't want to sleep. I just want to run and listen to Hit The Lights over and over and over.
Emi and Nick came over to make easter eggs. It was fun. The three of us together are so perfect.
I walked Nick home and we talked and life and people. Him and Emi I love so much.
After this thingy, I once again want to work even harder. It's as though it's the only thing that I can do...but it's enough if I just do it.
The color of the sky: As if we were by the ocean, setting sun over rising tides and cool sands. Setting red and orange, the sun a white pearl in clouds of gold dust.
I'm doing homework which is something I've been putting off for a while.
Shit. I just can't write about anything. Why am I like this?! It's the tight feeling in my arms, let I'm holding on to something, heavy feeling in my chest, slow quiet breath calm but heartbreakingly painful, smile to hid the pain, wanting the music to just surround me and drown out everything else. I'll try later.
Homework helps, and music, keeps my mind off it, and awake somehow. I'm talking to Nick on fb. I love talking to him.
I still don't want to sleep. I just want to run and listen to Hit The Lights over and over and over.
Emi and Nick came over to make easter eggs. It was fun. The three of us together are so perfect.
I walked Nick home and we talked and life and people. Him and Emi I love so much.
After this thingy, I once again want to work even harder. It's as though it's the only thing that I can do...but it's enough if I just do it.
The color of the sky: As if we were by the ocean, setting sun over rising tides and cool sands. Setting red and orange, the sun a white pearl in clouds of gold dust.
Tuesday 9 April 2013
Silly Alice, it's not just a dream
I'm so confident of myself when I'm alone, but when I'm with people I just can't do it, bring out that confidence and just do stuff. It gets stuck in my throat and I choke on my own words.
We're doing pastel drawings in class, and it's the only place I feel completely fine, happy, not concerned with anything. Despite my tense hands, and mind thick with stormy thoughts, and nervous slow strokes on the paper.
Emi and I ran around selling cookies for art club at lunch. We sold so many! 22$.
5th hour, movie. That's another thing that calms me down and I feel good about. It's like a dream that I'm seeing forming in front of me, directing, and all these new ideas of french cinematography coming together as I watch these movies, ideas ideas! And then I want to grow up...but that's a sad thought.
Stomach cramps drove me home before theatre, but not before a chat with Mathew and Christoph undoing the thin red bow in my hair, then telling me not to die.
Watched a soccer game, did my homework, didn't complain, just took it easy. Then went to Emi's. Were we filled our time with talk of penis's and therapy, laughing till our stomachs ached, and we were rolling on the floor. This is why we're such good friends. We even think so alike...I guess it's true that the more time you spend with a person the more you influence each other.
I am addicted to The Help, it is just so good! So glad I decided to read it.
And related to books, The Catcher in the Rye. Holdon, I love his character. It is every one of us. It shows off the things we don't want others to see, the other side of us, the dark part we hid away hoping to hide it away from the stars forever. That's why I love it so much, it's disturbing and so relatable. It's me. It's the popular crew kid. It's the quiet band geek, it's all of us. Phonies...
The color of the sky: A small patch of dreamy light blue, smothered with clouds which billowed like puffs of whipped cream on a porcelain plate, so sweet, bringing a smile to my face.
"I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it..."
I just want to sleep
We all have lives, no matter how insignificant and childish they may look when you take a step back. Nick broke up with Hana today.
It rained, and everything smelled of rain and summer. The calming smell of ozone, and sound of rain echoed through the arch.
I stood in the hall, hugging Christoph like we were lovers reunited after an eternity apart.
Our theatre director is leaving. His wife's having another kid and it's just not going to work anymore. Sitting there, watching him talk I was frozen, happy and miserable. What now? Budget deficit, cuts, new director. Was this group, was my family going to survive?
Then I stood on stage, dreading my lines which I knew I would forget as soon as my mouth opened on stage.
And I drew, all over my script. People, different people, different from anything I've ever drawn. It was calming, I just wished I got another hug.
But I walked home with him, or that little stretch of road that we share before we go our separate ways.
Watched the game. Sitting tight on the couch, I tensed up, nervous, wanting for them to pull through, but in the end Michigan lost.
Through the crack in my window I could clearly hear the howling of the wind, and the cold air creeping in, filling the room.
I woke up this morning, to the painful sound of alarms and white light in the bathroom. Cold water didn't help today, it was just pure tired pain, when you want nothing more than to close your eyes and curl up in the warm bed, nuzzling into your imaginary lovers chest and fall back into that dream. I wish I could.
The color of the sky: The morning sky was a in-between shade of dark blue, not a dark indigo or midnight blue, but not a navy, deep ocean color either. More of a diluted crayon that a child finds hidden under a couch after loosing in years ago. And streetlight orange lanterns bob along the grey morning road.
It rained, and everything smelled of rain and summer. The calming smell of ozone, and sound of rain echoed through the arch.
I stood in the hall, hugging Christoph like we were lovers reunited after an eternity apart.
Our theatre director is leaving. His wife's having another kid and it's just not going to work anymore. Sitting there, watching him talk I was frozen, happy and miserable. What now? Budget deficit, cuts, new director. Was this group, was my family going to survive?
Then I stood on stage, dreading my lines which I knew I would forget as soon as my mouth opened on stage.
And I drew, all over my script. People, different people, different from anything I've ever drawn. It was calming, I just wished I got another hug.
But I walked home with him, or that little stretch of road that we share before we go our separate ways.
Watched the game. Sitting tight on the couch, I tensed up, nervous, wanting for them to pull through, but in the end Michigan lost.
Through the crack in my window I could clearly hear the howling of the wind, and the cold air creeping in, filling the room.
I woke up this morning, to the painful sound of alarms and white light in the bathroom. Cold water didn't help today, it was just pure tired pain, when you want nothing more than to close your eyes and curl up in the warm bed, nuzzling into your imaginary lovers chest and fall back into that dream. I wish I could.
The color of the sky: The morning sky was a in-between shade of dark blue, not a dark indigo or midnight blue, but not a navy, deep ocean color either. More of a diluted crayon that a child finds hidden under a couch after loosing in years ago. And streetlight orange lanterns bob along the grey morning road.
Monday 8 April 2013
Inspired before death
And it's over. In 7 minutes it will be midnight, and school will start in 7 hours. I finally did my homework, yippy, it sucked. I hate math. It's like that perfect quote I found on pinterest today:
Sigh, if only it were that easy.
You know I'm surprised that I'm not dead. I spent too much time with my family. Every day it was, let's do this, let's go there, let's blahblahblah...But I don't want to go back to school. People, work, problems, social life, fb, Christoph. I feel like I'm about to fall into a massive black hole, and I'm trying so hard not to fall in, but it's pulling me down, sucking me in. I don't want to die yet...
I've been thinking about Jess a lot. Not sure why...guess I just kinda miss 2nd semester 9th grade. Not me then, but the fun I had. I definitely don't miss the weather either...
The one thing I am looking forward to tomorrow is reading. Maybe I'll finish The Help, then I can see the movie.
Last thing, The Well-Digger's Daughter, the new one, is a great movie. Best script that I've seen in a long time. The dialogue is well though out, witty, funny. Acting is amazing (all the actors were so beautiful! and good!!!!). Camera work is wonderful and I am re-motivated to try to direct something someday. Because if you can create magic like that, well you've found the key to a fantasy land.
The color of the sky: Thick icing crumpling and freezing in plastic waves over a smooth creamy surface. The top layer of thin inedible looking stuff, glazed over the sky, white and not too appetising. Under the ugly surface was the sweet icing, ready for a child's finger to scoop it up.
Can we put tomorrow off for a couple days? Please.
You know I'm surprised that I'm not dead. I spent too much time with my family. Every day it was, let's do this, let's go there, let's blahblahblah...But I don't want to go back to school. People, work, problems, social life, fb, Christoph. I feel like I'm about to fall into a massive black hole, and I'm trying so hard not to fall in, but it's pulling me down, sucking me in. I don't want to die yet...
I've been thinking about Jess a lot. Not sure why...guess I just kinda miss 2nd semester 9th grade. Not me then, but the fun I had. I definitely don't miss the weather either...
The one thing I am looking forward to tomorrow is reading. Maybe I'll finish The Help, then I can see the movie.
Last thing, The Well-Digger's Daughter, the new one, is a great movie. Best script that I've seen in a long time. The dialogue is well though out, witty, funny. Acting is amazing (all the actors were so beautiful! and good!!!!). Camera work is wonderful and I am re-motivated to try to direct something someday. Because if you can create magic like that, well you've found the key to a fantasy land.
The color of the sky: Thick icing crumpling and freezing in plastic waves over a smooth creamy surface. The top layer of thin inedible looking stuff, glazed over the sky, white and not too appetising. Under the ugly surface was the sweet icing, ready for a child's finger to scoop it up.
Can we put tomorrow off for a couple days? Please.
Wednesday 3 April 2013
What to say when I see you again
It's break, and life is moving slower than ever. All I've done so far is run, not do homework and occasional very long, adventure filled "walk" as I tell my parents.
The best day was Friday when Emi, Nick and I hung out. We got Chinese food at the usual place, some doughnuts and pop then climbed up the hill. We talked endlessly about everything. School, family, theatre, crew, religion, politics, science, gossip, the past, the future, god. I looked up at the perfectly blue sky and though, you know it’s not hard to imagine at all, that we’re just a game, robots, a figment of someones imagination, a story nothing more. For a second the earth was perfect then the clouds moved and the world became as it is again.
Other than that it was church, church and more church. Days spent with my dad and brothers, buying new running shoes, and food. I like running a lot. It's much noes than I remembered it, sucks that school will start then I'll have no time for it.
I played the piano yesterday. First time in months. I like my piano...
The color of the sky: Calm summer blue, sprinkled with golden sand and white sea foam. The light spilling into the room was light and fluid, streaming through without the slightest disturbance.
I get to see people from school tomorrow, from theatre at zap zone. Nick, Michelle, some others too. Christoph won't be there, he's still on vacation I think. If he was, what would I say...?
The best day was Friday when Emi, Nick and I hung out. We got Chinese food at the usual place, some doughnuts and pop then climbed up the hill. We talked endlessly about everything. School, family, theatre, crew, religion, politics, science, gossip, the past, the future, god. I looked up at the perfectly blue sky and though, you know it’s not hard to imagine at all, that we’re just a game, robots, a figment of someones imagination, a story nothing more. For a second the earth was perfect then the clouds moved and the world became as it is again.
Other than that it was church, church and more church. Days spent with my dad and brothers, buying new running shoes, and food. I like running a lot. It's much noes than I remembered it, sucks that school will start then I'll have no time for it.
I played the piano yesterday. First time in months. I like my piano...
The color of the sky: Calm summer blue, sprinkled with golden sand and white sea foam. The light spilling into the room was light and fluid, streaming through without the slightest disturbance.
I get to see people from school tomorrow, from theatre at zap zone. Nick, Michelle, some others too. Christoph won't be there, he's still on vacation I think. If he was, what would I say...?
Tuesday 26 March 2013
Alive
I got murdered so many times today I lost count. Twice beaten to death with bare fists, several more times with the butt of a gun. It wasn't without it's fare share of laughter and jokes, but it felt strangely real. I felt alive. Blushing as two incredibly attractive men straddled me then kill me was well... indescribable. I mean what the hell who does that?! I could feel Ryan's weight over me, pushing down but not too much, his warmth spreading over my legs, the embarrassed looks we exchanged which lingered afterwards (if that's what having sex is like add it to the summer-to-do-list). The best part was when Brian pulled me downstage landing me with my breasts brushing against Ryan's crotch with only a layer of jeans and thin t-shirt to keep us from touching. "OH MY GOD! Warn me, warn me next time you do that. My god..." Was his reaction and laughter all around. Anyhow it was a helluva bloody death. Brains spilling everywhere under Brian's calculating gaze. Come see the show and you will NEVER look at Macbeth in the same way.
Also sometime 5 years from now, maybe less, I'll be having sex with a guy and I will look up and see Ryan's face, and he'll be holding a gun ready to kill me, I will scream and that relationship will end.
I have a serious crush on Ryan and Brian (not that either will amount to anything at all). My mind keeps flashing back to theatre today...why? cause it was funny, deadly, disgusting, powerful, terrifying, I was alive, in love, died for a cause, murdered for power. It was beautiful, and worth the nightmares. And if thats what it means to live I will never stop doing theatre and I will never stop living.
I walked part of the way home with Christoph. We chattered a bit, this and that. When we finally went our separate ways I looked back, just as he did and we stood there yelling and waving then laughing and walking away. Perfect timing.
I want to talk to someone, laugh some more, gossip, but there's no one here. It sucks.
The color of the sky: Kodachrome black and white, a artistic picture taken by a so called teenage hippy with a store bought camera and bad film. Captured a memory on accident and turned it from a passing moment to a still frame in grey and black.
I love theatre. And my 4 roles, or is it 5 now, who knows, but I love it.
Also sometime 5 years from now, maybe less, I'll be having sex with a guy and I will look up and see Ryan's face, and he'll be holding a gun ready to kill me, I will scream and that relationship will end.
I have a serious crush on Ryan and Brian (not that either will amount to anything at all). My mind keeps flashing back to theatre today...why? cause it was funny, deadly, disgusting, powerful, terrifying, I was alive, in love, died for a cause, murdered for power. It was beautiful, and worth the nightmares. And if thats what it means to live I will never stop doing theatre and I will never stop living.
I walked part of the way home with Christoph. We chattered a bit, this and that. When we finally went our separate ways I looked back, just as he did and we stood there yelling and waving then laughing and walking away. Perfect timing.
I want to talk to someone, laugh some more, gossip, but there's no one here. It sucks.
The color of the sky: Kodachrome black and white, a artistic picture taken by a so called teenage hippy with a store bought camera and bad film. Captured a memory on accident and turned it from a passing moment to a still frame in grey and black.
I love theatre. And my 4 roles, or is it 5 now, who knows, but I love it.
Monday 25 March 2013
What a strage sort of day
I stood by the computer and just stared at it, getting more and more frustrated, then I decided i was going to leave. Before I left I waled up two floors to my locker, the halls, once quiet were filled with the racket of my high heels. Suddenly the whole school felt like it was closing in on me, the stereotypes, the pressure, the "phoniness", everything. I just wanted to get out, so I left, walked out the door. Outside it was cold, crisp air surrounded me and all I could think was thank god I had enough sense to leave. I walked half way home before stopping at the swings, I sat there, trying to think of what was wrong with me. Everything. Maybe it is Catcher in the Rye that's influencing me. Maybe it's just me trying to change. And I couldn't get myself to stop narrating the moment as if it was a story. What the hell I kept thinking. Everything's so messed up. I wish I could be skini so I could fly, or disappear, fade out to nothingness.
Christoph laughed yesterday off, at least the phone call. He didn't say anything about the end part. I felt so nervous as if I was stepping on thin ice, ready to shatter underneath me.
"To all people crushing on someone, go ahead, take your chance. No matter in how long someone's gonna graduate or simply leave. Take your chance. Be happy, even if it's for only 3 months. Regrets is one of the worst feelings of the world and lasts forever."
Someone posted that on the schools fb confessions page. It was cute. Made me think of Jess than Christoph. I sent Matt a friend request cause I liked a picture of him...that's awkward. Why am I so shy?
I slept for 2 hour when I got home. It was nice. Though I wish I could talk to someone, Nick or Nicole, it gets lonely. But I like the floor a lot, it's warm, warmer than the rest of my room.
The color of the sky: Flat grays and light blues, as though someone had pasted a photograph on the ceiling and then one on the far wall. The world became a room, a ver strange room, one with wind, and snow, unprotected, vulnerable, and sad.
3 days till break. God I cannot wait. I won't even complain when we go to church.
I'm actually surprised that the though "I want to die" or something along those lines didn't cross my mind today...funny.
Christoph laughed yesterday off, at least the phone call. He didn't say anything about the end part. I felt so nervous as if I was stepping on thin ice, ready to shatter underneath me.
"To all people crushing on someone, go ahead, take your chance. No matter in how long someone's gonna graduate or simply leave. Take your chance. Be happy, even if it's for only 3 months. Regrets is one of the worst feelings of the world and lasts forever."
Someone posted that on the schools fb confessions page. It was cute. Made me think of Jess than Christoph. I sent Matt a friend request cause I liked a picture of him...that's awkward. Why am I so shy?
I slept for 2 hour when I got home. It was nice. Though I wish I could talk to someone, Nick or Nicole, it gets lonely. But I like the floor a lot, it's warm, warmer than the rest of my room.
The color of the sky: Flat grays and light blues, as though someone had pasted a photograph on the ceiling and then one on the far wall. The world became a room, a ver strange room, one with wind, and snow, unprotected, vulnerable, and sad.
3 days till break. God I cannot wait. I won't even complain when we go to church.
I'm actually surprised that the though "I want to die" or something along those lines didn't cross my mind today...funny.
Sunday 24 March 2013
When your life is a book and someone gives away the end
I feel the need to be surrounded by the smell of cigarettes, to be alone in a crowded place, be myself but not have to be me. Virtually invisible, living off of the silence that comes with feeling unreal.
We were suppose to go on a date, but Christoph couldn’t make it, neither could Nick in the end. I felt kinda betrayed, a bit empty, sitting there in the car on the way home from church. It wasn’t anyones fault though.
I ended up running down the block through icy winds to Emi’s house. We were suppose to be studying, and the supposed 2 hour session turned into a 5 hour high school moment. We made Rava Dalai, or Indian Pancakes as we call them. We laughed as we mixed the white powder into an unidentifiable soup of a odd texture and watery flavor. They didn’t turn out too bad, though now my stomach isn’t thanking me for eating them. They were thin and riddled with bubbles an holes, like potato pancakes, they even had the same texture, though the taste was somewhat divergent. We added all sorts of ingredients trying to improve our experiment. It ended with a mess, full stomachs, and apples. We ate a lot of those. Next up writing stories on magnet boards. Never underestimate the power of teenage profanity and words. Best fucking messed up story ever! A combination of words ended up as the starting sentance to a great attempt at a Tropic of Capricorn love scene. We were dying.
Just as Emi was about to kick me out she found my phone along with Christophs number. At first I didn’t mind, she sends stuff to my friends all the time and I could care less, but quickly this spiraled into something much bigger than silly texts. While I played around on her ipod she was writing all sorts of gibberish to him, eventually she ended up calling him with her brother. I thought I would die or kill them both, even though I was laughing through every apology I made to him. Lying on Emi’s bed with the phone pressed tightly to my ear I held on to every word said though the line. Singing, screaming, laughter, all compiled into a 5 minute phone conversation that was worse than anything we’d ever said to Nick in our constant prank calls to him. The ending lines were, “do you LOVE Sky?” after a muddled exchange, me running out of the room, phone flying across the floor, slamming doors, I found myself in the bathroom, not sure if I wanted an answer at all. Scared, nervous, it’s like someone trying to ruin the ending of the story and you want to get there yourself no matter how scared you are or how long it's going to take you to get there. “Yes.” It was like someone had just proposed. Emi and her brother were shouting with joy and for their achievements trying to drag me out of the bathroom. The phone was turned off and left on the bed. I though I would die. Is that the end of this chapter? Now what? He probably wasn't serious but still... It was like someone had just given something away. Something important and sacred.
Now that I sit here thinking about it, it looks more like a step forward. He won't be here forever. Maybe it was worth the apologies I'll have to make tomorrow and the headache that I have now. This is the way things were meant to be. Thanks Brian. That quote really gets me through a lot. Anyhow, my rooms is freezing, and the vent's spewing out more cold air. I wish I could just curl up and fall asleep, but my mind's going to wander I know it. I wonder what homework is due tomorrow...
The color of the sky: Winter blue, and stormy grey as the snow began to fall, scattered flakes that rushed past, in fast forward across the dead sky.
I thanked someone for that, thanks for giving me this winter to finally get my shit together. Cause when summer comes I've got to be ready, I have to, this is my year and I'm not waiting any longer.
Friday 22 March 2013
What are kisses worth?
I walked home with Don Jose and Mari again. Somehow we started talking about parties. 4 things that make a party great, alcohol, drugs, sex and great music. Then we talked about our own adventures. We have more in common than I ever thought.
You know I never realised till now that I think of Jose as that little kid I use to love in 5th grade and he sees me the same way. I know we've both grown up and moved on but we still have that tie of childhood. It's strange, and a bit sad too, since now we're slowly breaking it, untying the string, growing up.
I was flirting with a baseball kid in my math class. He's not too bad looking. And he makes me laugh. I'd probably never want to date him. But I wouldn't mind kissing him. Is that bad?
Now my hands smells of someone else. Soft, something like a candle. My lips feel dry, but I feel pretty. Pretty and elated if that's the right word for it. I just got back from a "bonding event" mini party at Nadia's. Her house is a frikking castle! It's huge! Only 9 people showed but it was helluva lot of fun. Isaac and Nicole were there. Nick. God. Kelly, Ari, Nadia (well duh) and Hana. We did all sorts of weird teenage crap, played the wii, petted the dog, sat around and did nothing, ate, played ping pong and pool. Eventually we turned to Spin the Bottle. Kelly had her first kiss with Nick. I feel bad, but hey she gets to kiss Ryan later, lucky girl. I kissed God. Twice. It was cute, or so they said. His lips were rough and cracked a bit more than mine are. I feel like I aught to feel ecstatic about it, and super happy but I don't. The kisses meant nothing, it was just a game. I don't even remember the last time a kiss meant something. Did it the first time? Did it ever? I feel like when he plays with the bows in my hair, or waves bye to me in the hall, that means more than any kiss. But I'll remember it. It'd be a shame to forget. It's part of the memories we make it life, and I can say that I didn't miss my chance, I'm living it, I finally am.
Anyways, Nadia had a blast, I'm so used to her being all uptight with school and work but it was great! Then Nick and Hana had some drama and I gotta talk to him bout that. I feel bad, I really do. I just want Nick to be happy. And if happy is Hana than that's ok by me. What else...we tried to get Nicole to kiss Isaac. And tickle circles spilled pop all over. And we ranted and talked, and hell it was great. It really was. As we left, Christoph gave me a big hug, that completed the evening. Perfect fairy tale ending, as far as I'm concerned.
You know I'm still looking forward to the movie date, but I think I get it now. I don't really like/am good at relationships. I like little things, nothing big. Kisses (that mean something), movies, holding hands, the things that don't really matter.
The color of the sky: Bright, and saturated in an unusually blazing white shade. Blinding and warm, like the spring day that it should have been for the last 2 weeks. Clear and reflecting the glow of the sun through out it, like sunlight across the water. It made listening to Jose's complaining not too bad.
You know I never realised till now that I think of Jose as that little kid I use to love in 5th grade and he sees me the same way. I know we've both grown up and moved on but we still have that tie of childhood. It's strange, and a bit sad too, since now we're slowly breaking it, untying the string, growing up.
I was flirting with a baseball kid in my math class. He's not too bad looking. And he makes me laugh. I'd probably never want to date him. But I wouldn't mind kissing him. Is that bad?
Now my hands smells of someone else. Soft, something like a candle. My lips feel dry, but I feel pretty. Pretty and elated if that's the right word for it. I just got back from a "bonding event" mini party at Nadia's. Her house is a frikking castle! It's huge! Only 9 people showed but it was helluva lot of fun. Isaac and Nicole were there. Nick. God. Kelly, Ari, Nadia (well duh) and Hana. We did all sorts of weird teenage crap, played the wii, petted the dog, sat around and did nothing, ate, played ping pong and pool. Eventually we turned to Spin the Bottle. Kelly had her first kiss with Nick. I feel bad, but hey she gets to kiss Ryan later, lucky girl. I kissed God. Twice. It was cute, or so they said. His lips were rough and cracked a bit more than mine are. I feel like I aught to feel ecstatic about it, and super happy but I don't. The kisses meant nothing, it was just a game. I don't even remember the last time a kiss meant something. Did it the first time? Did it ever? I feel like when he plays with the bows in my hair, or waves bye to me in the hall, that means more than any kiss. But I'll remember it. It'd be a shame to forget. It's part of the memories we make it life, and I can say that I didn't miss my chance, I'm living it, I finally am.
Anyways, Nadia had a blast, I'm so used to her being all uptight with school and work but it was great! Then Nick and Hana had some drama and I gotta talk to him bout that. I feel bad, I really do. I just want Nick to be happy. And if happy is Hana than that's ok by me. What else...we tried to get Nicole to kiss Isaac. And tickle circles spilled pop all over. And we ranted and talked, and hell it was great. It really was. As we left, Christoph gave me a big hug, that completed the evening. Perfect fairy tale ending, as far as I'm concerned.
You know I'm still looking forward to the movie date, but I think I get it now. I don't really like/am good at relationships. I like little things, nothing big. Kisses (that mean something), movies, holding hands, the things that don't really matter.
The color of the sky: Bright, and saturated in an unusually blazing white shade. Blinding and warm, like the spring day that it should have been for the last 2 weeks. Clear and reflecting the glow of the sun through out it, like sunlight across the water. It made listening to Jose's complaining not too bad.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Narrative
Best day evah! Nah not really, but it was pretty fun. The morning dragged on and out as classes passed by slower than usual and my stomach growled with question of why I hadn't fed it yet. Half days really screw with me, totally put me off balance of the usual days. Well after that long outdrawn morning Nick, Nichole, Christoph, Moya and Tammy got on the city bus and headed to Meijers. Hats pulled over our freezing ears we rushed from the bus to the super store where we wandered the isles making a ruckus about what disgustingly fattening sweets to invest in. We ended up with half a dozen glazed donuts, a bag of hot Cheetos's, tub of pringles, some mexican snacks, chocolate and 2 huge bottles of mexican pop, Moya recommended it. We picked the oddest of places to devour our spoils, a play structure, spiralling up like the towers of a castle. We sat there enjoying the food, teasing Nichole about Isaac, her boyfriend (ya know the guy that liked me at the beginning of the last show and dated Steph), retelling stories and making sexual comments, most of which were about sex or my ass (guys think it's a very attractive ass). I can't believe we didn't freeze to death, though the pale sun shone warmly in intervals the rest was filled with windy blasts of snow. Eventually we made it back to the bus stop, a booth with a bunch of schedules where we stood, complaining about our frozen toes. Christoph wanted to go to the movies, but we were out of money, so our next adventures is a triple date to the cinema. Mainly for Nicole and Isaac to go on a date, but also other underlying objectives... Nick and Nicole figured it out on the way home. Nicole goes with Isaac, Nick and Hanna who does that leave? Me and Christoph! I admitted between girlish giggles that yes I have a crush on him, but hell how can I help it, he's sweet, attractive, funny, God! So I just can't wait for this very first date (insert Blink-182 song here). We ended on a sweet note of waving as the bus passed me by. It felt semi perfect, except that I really had to pee and practically ran the whole way home.
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Heaven can wait...
I stepped outside and suddenly it became like leaving a paradise for a wasteland. All I could hear was the wind, it wasn't loud, it was quiet creeping around, whispering yet it downed out all other noise. As I began to walk through the snowy dead landscape I could hear signs creak, trees groan and the ground crumple under my quick steps. It looked like it could have been the Neitherlands, forgotten, destroyed, empty. Time seemed to move slower...
It's amazing the things you notice if you just look up and slow down.
I love Brian even more. He looks like Veronsky!!!! Oh my lord. If he just dyed his hair blond, I would marry him. His logic is great too, an actor quit and all he says is "That's how it was meant to be". And he's constantly telling us to slow down and relax, focus on yourselves. I went home early since I didn't have rehearsal, but I still did warm ups. They make me happy.
God's said "hey beautiful" when he saw me after school today. It was so sweet. He's such a great guy. It sucks that he's gonna have to go back to heaven (Austria) at the end of the school year.
People still piss me off but it's getting a bit better. At least the emptiness is going away. But now I feel kinda scared of people. It'll pass.
Listening to Meat Loaf. They're great.
Actually did NHS. Gosh did it take a while. I hate stuff like that. Though in the end they always look pretty good...Hanging out with Nick and Nicole tomorrow! Can't wait!!!
The color of the sky: A distant highlight of orange and red complimentary to the darkening indigo sky. Light reached out far far out, into some distant land, giving a glimpse of the golden sunrise in another world. The snow settled as darkness fell heavily on it, turning everything to shadows.
It's amazing the things you notice if you just look up and slow down.
I love Brian even more. He looks like Veronsky!!!! Oh my lord. If he just dyed his hair blond, I would marry him. His logic is great too, an actor quit and all he says is "That's how it was meant to be". And he's constantly telling us to slow down and relax, focus on yourselves. I went home early since I didn't have rehearsal, but I still did warm ups. They make me happy.
God's said "hey beautiful" when he saw me after school today. It was so sweet. He's such a great guy. It sucks that he's gonna have to go back to heaven (Austria) at the end of the school year.
People still piss me off but it's getting a bit better. At least the emptiness is going away. But now I feel kinda scared of people. It'll pass.
Listening to Meat Loaf. They're great.
Actually did NHS. Gosh did it take a while. I hate stuff like that. Though in the end they always look pretty good...Hanging out with Nick and Nicole tomorrow! Can't wait!!!
The color of the sky: A distant highlight of orange and red complimentary to the darkening indigo sky. Light reached out far far out, into some distant land, giving a glimpse of the golden sunrise in another world. The snow settled as darkness fell heavily on it, turning everything to shadows.
Monday 18 March 2013
How long is 90 days? Like actually.
Since I'm kinda in a I-don't-like-people-so-shut-up state at the moment I've decided to focus on me, being happy, reading and doing things for myself instead of other people. It's relaxing minus the fact that I have to avoid everyone, which is pretty hard cause people I know are EVERYWHERE! It sucks!
Except 3rd and 7th hour. I don't mind them too much at all.
That aside, I get to play Fleance in the play (I may have said that already)! It's kinda cool and really traumatising. I guess you don't really think about some things till you have to put yourself in that situation. It's fucking scary to see your "mother" murdered literally in front of you...even if it is a play. I still love Brian.
NHS is a pain. It's so much work just to fill stuff out to get accepted! Geeze...
It keeps snowing here...it's like the weathers kinda parallel to my mood. Bad, it snows, semi happy it stops. I ate chocolate today.
The color of the sky: Rainy and grey, raindrops streaking down a bus window, rumbling with the vibrations of the massive engine powered dragon.
God has been really nice to me recently. It's nice, he's a great guy.
Except 3rd and 7th hour. I don't mind them too much at all.
That aside, I get to play Fleance in the play (I may have said that already)! It's kinda cool and really traumatising. I guess you don't really think about some things till you have to put yourself in that situation. It's fucking scary to see your "mother" murdered literally in front of you...even if it is a play. I still love Brian.
NHS is a pain. It's so much work just to fill stuff out to get accepted! Geeze...
It keeps snowing here...it's like the weathers kinda parallel to my mood. Bad, it snows, semi happy it stops. I ate chocolate today.
The color of the sky: Rainy and grey, raindrops streaking down a bus window, rumbling with the vibrations of the massive engine powered dragon.
God has been really nice to me recently. It's nice, he's a great guy.
Sunday 17 March 2013
Where dragons eat the people you don't like
I hate cake.
Take me to Fillory.
Social networking sucks.
People are annoying.
I want to be skinni.
I hate cake again.
I need to do something with my life (after I finish working out).
Why is there no time for the things I WANT to do?
Where is Fillory anyways?
New York sounds like a good place to be right now.
Or by myself.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it looks right. I hate cake again, and my bad decision of going to Zap Zone and eating cake. That was stupid. But it's not happening again so that's ok. And I hate people, cause people are so goddamn irritating, including myself, and they suck especially those people at school. I mean really, no I don't like you shut up, don't even ask, I don't care, all of you shut up. Can I go to a place where no one knows my name. It'd be so much easier. A place where you can hear the world, hear your footsteps, the distant cars, the wind. A place that isn't too rushed, a place where you can see the sea...
I haven't touched my email for 3 days, fb in over a week now. Some life I've got..but it's really calming. And gives me more time. If anyone asks my dad broke the internet.
The color of the sky: animate, moving, constructing and reconstructing itself into a massive puzzle in the sky. Fitting clouds like pieces into each other, shapes, dragons floating out of the blue...
Take me to Fillory.
Social networking sucks.
People are annoying.
I want to be skinni.
I hate cake again.
I need to do something with my life (after I finish working out).
Why is there no time for the things I WANT to do?
Where is Fillory anyways?
New York sounds like a good place to be right now.
Or by myself.
I don't know why I wrote that, but it looks right. I hate cake again, and my bad decision of going to Zap Zone and eating cake. That was stupid. But it's not happening again so that's ok. And I hate people, cause people are so goddamn irritating, including myself, and they suck especially those people at school. I mean really, no I don't like you shut up, don't even ask, I don't care, all of you shut up. Can I go to a place where no one knows my name. It'd be so much easier. A place where you can hear the world, hear your footsteps, the distant cars, the wind. A place that isn't too rushed, a place where you can see the sea...
I haven't touched my email for 3 days, fb in over a week now. Some life I've got..but it's really calming. And gives me more time. If anyone asks my dad broke the internet.
The color of the sky: animate, moving, constructing and reconstructing itself into a massive puzzle in the sky. Fitting clouds like pieces into each other, shapes, dragons floating out of the blue...
Saturday 16 March 2013
Letter to myself accidentally sent to you
'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not.'
After a downhill week and a day that started fine but slowly plummeted towards depression this movie saved me. I cry every time and I've seen it at least 5 times since it came out (the new one, god know how many times I read the book as a kid and saw the old version). It's such a great movie, and it makes me think that if I can change myself, I can maybe change the world somehow...step by step. "There is happiness for those who accept their fate. There is glory for those who resist their fate." (From Whatever) I think I've been done with happiness for a while, it just doesn't seem to really work out just right (so far) and as far as I'm concerned my fate, a cures brought upon by genetics and recent overexposure to food in Ukraine was my fate, and it's changing. Gosh why does this always sound so sappy and overdramaticly theatrical, it's my life. I should stop complaining to myself about myself on a computer (makes me sound crazy, but I'm in a good mood so what the hell). Well I gotta find myself somewhere.
The family's having a dinner party tomorrow, and why is everyone older or younger than me by at least 4 years (in most cases more). These people are my parents ages, why couldn't they have kids my age?! Some cute boy that I can talk to, or normal girl (I'd prefer the boy though).
I'm getting awful tired so night. I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow...
The color of the sky: It snowed. Dressing up the sky to look like a car crash, white airbags, scattered in a catastrophe of grey metal and steam.
After a downhill week and a day that started fine but slowly plummeted towards depression this movie saved me. I cry every time and I've seen it at least 5 times since it came out (the new one, god know how many times I read the book as a kid and saw the old version). It's such a great movie, and it makes me think that if I can change myself, I can maybe change the world somehow...step by step. "There is happiness for those who accept their fate. There is glory for those who resist their fate." (From Whatever) I think I've been done with happiness for a while, it just doesn't seem to really work out just right (so far) and as far as I'm concerned my fate, a cures brought upon by genetics and recent overexposure to food in Ukraine was my fate, and it's changing. Gosh why does this always sound so sappy and overdramaticly theatrical, it's my life. I should stop complaining to myself about myself on a computer (makes me sound crazy, but I'm in a good mood so what the hell). Well I gotta find myself somewhere.
The family's having a dinner party tomorrow, and why is everyone older or younger than me by at least 4 years (in most cases more). These people are my parents ages, why couldn't they have kids my age?! Some cute boy that I can talk to, or normal girl (I'd prefer the boy though).
I'm getting awful tired so night. I'll finish my thoughts tomorrow...
The color of the sky: It snowed. Dressing up the sky to look like a car crash, white airbags, scattered in a catastrophe of grey metal and steam.
Friday 15 March 2013
And it goes on and on and on...and all those things that I should have done, oh I need to check fb...eh
Today's been kinda depressing...I ate too much and my stomach looks preggers...It's so fat...and it makes me sad. That's probly cause I've been semi depressed lately and been eating sugar at home. See schools mostly fine, it's just pressure from my mom to apply for NHS and other crap. It's really fucking stressful. At least I've been eating better. The really weird thing is that I feel like I've been eating more, but I've been eating a lot less...that's really bad. Another depressing thing is people. I was walking around after 6th hour when all normal people go home (not us kids with 7th hour) and it was just so depressing and distasteful, it just didn't look right. The again I was listening to Depeche Mode at that time. Today was just a day of ups and downs. Everyone kept telling me that I looked pretty. My outfit was cute, but my face was tired as hell. You know, I ate a lot for dinner that's why I look fatish, it'll go away in the morning. At least theatre was fun. Nick and I talked, about life and gossipped a bit. I love that guy. Though I don't think I'll ever regret breaking up with him. That's another thing thing I need to practise more, good morals and how to best live my life to the fullest, though I think that comes along with control of food habits and motivation to succeed especially at exercises. This guy, he's a player, kinda asked me on a date, him and his twin kinda flirt with me. They make me dislike people more and more and make me wish I was skini, cause for some reason it would make things different. Gosh why can't it be easy...maybe I should just work harder, a lot harder...roger that. There's so much fat...everywhere....I'm reading The Magician King again. That part makes me happy.
The color of the sky: It drizzled, sad, quiet, english rain from a bleak, colorless expanse. It was rather lonesome.
The color of the sky: It drizzled, sad, quiet, english rain from a bleak, colorless expanse. It was rather lonesome.
Thursday 14 March 2013
Grimalkin in the window
We sat in class wondering what we had to write, the answer was probably right before us and we didn't notice it. Standing over our shoulders was a lady guiding us step by step, like children being led across an empty streed. Baby steps with teachers and parents holding us up, it's almost pitiful, degrading... To put it simply it sucks. Cause I think we aught to be mature enough to figure out life ourselves.
Yet how is it that we can't manage an assignment but we can manage a relationship, navigating through the halls, living our social lives. How do we get through it all?
The wind was blowing from the east, sun on my back, snow floating around. Hair carried by the snow dusted wind. Innocent and impossible, the once spring like damp ground was littered with white. It just didn't seem real.
"Let me finish the joke!" I turned back, I didn't know he was telling a joke.
"So if you dip the brushes, and you too, then we'd have a big dipper and a little dipper!" He exclaimed, the expression on his face was as cocky and egotistic as everyone always described him as. "Best joke I've ever told." That killed me, it was both funny and a bit sad. We laughed and talked a bit more, then left. He never says good-bye, or thanks... I wished Matt a happy birthday yesterday(?) in the hall, he barely looked over. He could have managed a "thank you" or at least a smile. No he just swept by, with his head high as though he were a king and I a peasant leaving me feeling wrong about something, missing a piece, something like that.
The really sad thing is I've seen this before...Chris all over again. Pathetic in a way isn't it. I didn't learn the first time. I mean I like Matt, a bit, but it's not going to work, so I don't loose myself in daydreams for him.
In theatre I was getting my hair done, a sample for the show. Curling and hairspray. And my friends told me I always look a bit like a princess, with the hair and posture and all. It made me happy... and Brian liked my hair. Also I got 3 parts now! Fleance, the Sergeant and some other guy who's name I don't remember.
I ate a bunch of sugar today. It's just been little things that stress me out, and make me eat food. Weight, Ukrainian stuff, myself, lack of freedom (such a big frustration factor!), that stuff. But I'm on a new diet, and exercise routine so that should help. It's 90 days long, and I sooo love counting down, so I'll stick to it ( I really do)!
The color of the sky: Drearily lost in a daydream of everyday sky.
Tuesday 12 March 2013
What 9th grade history teaches you
Gosh history is so boring. See I could be doing homework but becuase some of the laptops didn't work i got deported to a special ed/school help class that has giant early century computers. Slow unsophistiaceted masses that awkwardly sit on table tops. I bet it's going to slow down now. Well I did have homework that I was going to do, but I couldn't take it with me! I need to get it done too. I'm actually trying to be semi serious about my classes and get all a's. It's dark outside. Dark frammed semi square windows look out onto a beak landscape, caught between the dead of winter and spring. Dragging across the sky, pushed along by a force unknown within these grey walls. Like and expanse of mist descending towards the earth. Music box music goes along with the gloom rather well.
Monday 11 March 2013
You can see the shadows
I saw Chris today. He looked miserable, sitting in the near empty stairwell. His finely trimmed hair, matted down, clinging desperately to his dripping forehead. The dark expression on his face didn't suit him, it was completely different from his usual cheery appearance. No jokes today. We talked, he had training, and told me about it a bit, called me poochie and asked me why I was still here. When Jose called for me, Chris just said, hurry up and leave. Bye...
It felt like a picture I would have drawn last year. A girl and guy, dark and light, happy and sad. With a totally depressing love story. It was like I really was part of a picture. It's a shame I had to leave.
The walk home wasn't bad though. Hoods up, we splashed through puddles and countered Mari's arguments that rain was bad. I like rain, I like it a lot, especially walking or running though it. Summer rain's the best though. You can smell it. That's the part I like best. Mari left then there were two. We talked much about nothing, the movie we watched, 5th grade, people all while walking in the middle of the street. We ran into a class mate, which was pretty funny, I wonder how we looked to him...We all take latin together.
Eventually we made it to the crossroads of our departure and said good-bye. I didn't look back. I didn't want to, it didn't feel right anyways. Sometimes it's romantic, or something but this time I just didn't, just in case he did.
Well now it's sunny, the lights glinting off the newly washed pavement. The droplets on my window shine like diamonds in the light. The talk with Chris seems like forever ago.
I like sitting on my floor and dreaming...it's so effortless.
The color of the sky: Mysterious night sky, shrouded in a shawl of eerie white. Light that comes from the opposite direction of the sunrise illuminates the distance.
It felt like a picture I would have drawn last year. A girl and guy, dark and light, happy and sad. With a totally depressing love story. It was like I really was part of a picture. It's a shame I had to leave.
The walk home wasn't bad though. Hoods up, we splashed through puddles and countered Mari's arguments that rain was bad. I like rain, I like it a lot, especially walking or running though it. Summer rain's the best though. You can smell it. That's the part I like best. Mari left then there were two. We talked much about nothing, the movie we watched, 5th grade, people all while walking in the middle of the street. We ran into a class mate, which was pretty funny, I wonder how we looked to him...We all take latin together.
Eventually we made it to the crossroads of our departure and said good-bye. I didn't look back. I didn't want to, it didn't feel right anyways. Sometimes it's romantic, or something but this time I just didn't, just in case he did.
Well now it's sunny, the lights glinting off the newly washed pavement. The droplets on my window shine like diamonds in the light. The talk with Chris seems like forever ago.
I like sitting on my floor and dreaming...it's so effortless.
The color of the sky: Mysterious night sky, shrouded in a shawl of eerie white. Light that comes from the opposite direction of the sunrise illuminates the distance.
Sunday 10 March 2013
Summer plans for warmer days
I haven't been on a bus in so long, but still I think of Jess. That never seems to leave. It's a memory, imprinted in the seats, painted on the windows, echoed in the engines hum. A quiet reminder of high school innocence. Freshman year...
It was crude, unpolished, ungentlemanly like conduct, I played along of course, it's would be rude not to. But it was kinda annoying, reminding me of 8th grade and the stupidity we possessed thinking it would make us look cool. As if. I mean the day wasn't too bad, pudding, Monty Python, a bus ride, and sushi with the family later. The buckwheat tea was good.
Today was lovely though. Got along in class with people, cheated on tests, did well not cheating on a test. Ate mainly fruits, and a bit of sweets and carbs, but that's ok. Emi, Nick and I celebrated my birthday officially. Cake, chocolate and vanilla and strawberries, then downtown. Where we wandered through stores, looked at obscene magazines, and climbed to the to of a parking structure from where the city looks beautiful and alive. Thriving with so much life, so many things we haven't seen, their signs flickering below us, beckoning. Chinese food, with the same waiter and cashier, and fortunes that aren't quite...fortunes. I bought a hat, skirt and sun glasses at some point. I am very pleased with myself. I never buy anything! And I've been meaning to get a cute skirt and semi aviators, so mission accomplished!
We also went to go see Oz The Great And Powerful. It was pretty good. We played that hockey puck game thing before we got in, and ordered slushies. That seems to always come up with the three of us. Anyways though the whole day we must have gone to the bathroom at least 20 times. We drank so much water!
I need to stop talking to my reflection in the mirror, but it does help my self esteem...it's just a bit concerning and narcissistic...
Now off to bed with dreams of pretty men and impossible things.
The color of the sky: Ebony blue...Like lacquer pasted across the sky, evening out it's ridges and bumps, clearing away the bubbles, away with the white clouds of dust, leaving just open endless sky. Darkening, from a deep midnight blue to black. Swelling over the town making it seem just a bit bigger...
It was crude, unpolished, ungentlemanly like conduct, I played along of course, it's would be rude not to. But it was kinda annoying, reminding me of 8th grade and the stupidity we possessed thinking it would make us look cool. As if. I mean the day wasn't too bad, pudding, Monty Python, a bus ride, and sushi with the family later. The buckwheat tea was good.
Today was lovely though. Got along in class with people, cheated on tests, did well not cheating on a test. Ate mainly fruits, and a bit of sweets and carbs, but that's ok. Emi, Nick and I celebrated my birthday officially. Cake, chocolate and vanilla and strawberries, then downtown. Where we wandered through stores, looked at obscene magazines, and climbed to the to of a parking structure from where the city looks beautiful and alive. Thriving with so much life, so many things we haven't seen, their signs flickering below us, beckoning. Chinese food, with the same waiter and cashier, and fortunes that aren't quite...fortunes. I bought a hat, skirt and sun glasses at some point. I am very pleased with myself. I never buy anything! And I've been meaning to get a cute skirt and semi aviators, so mission accomplished!
We also went to go see Oz The Great And Powerful. It was pretty good. We played that hockey puck game thing before we got in, and ordered slushies. That seems to always come up with the three of us. Anyways though the whole day we must have gone to the bathroom at least 20 times. We drank so much water!
I need to stop talking to my reflection in the mirror, but it does help my self esteem...it's just a bit concerning and narcissistic...
Now off to bed with dreams of pretty men and impossible things.
The color of the sky: Ebony blue...Like lacquer pasted across the sky, evening out it's ridges and bumps, clearing away the bubbles, away with the white clouds of dust, leaving just open endless sky. Darkening, from a deep midnight blue to black. Swelling over the town making it seem just a bit bigger...
Thursday 7 March 2013
Music box melody
Well the rest of today was kinda boring. Walked to school. Did work. Said thanks a million times. My hair was wavy. Cake is bad and sugary. Talked to God a lot today (Christoph!!!). Got more music. Got a mouse for my computer...exciting. Didn't see Jess (I really wanted to). Fb Sophia. Finished a greater part of my english. Got some money. Let my brothers look through my stuff.
That was probably the best part. I guess I can kinda talk to them.
I made a wish on 16 candles.
I resolved again to find more methods to loose weight and complete them.
I wanted to clean my room but now I've got to sleep.
Good night. Sweet dreams.
I'm sixteen.
...
That was probably the best part. I guess I can kinda talk to them.
I made a wish on 16 candles.
I resolved again to find more methods to loose weight and complete them.
I wanted to clean my room but now I've got to sleep.
Good night. Sweet dreams.
I'm sixteen.
...
Two feet out the door, and one on the road
Something really did start today. Don't know what it is yet, but for sure today is the start of a new journey. I've probably said this multiple times, on days that just seem like the perfect day to set out, and it's probably not much different, it's just that this year I've really set out to achieve something and become someone.
Laying in my bed this morning, letting the open windows reveal a new world over the horizon. I finished watching Ultra Maniac, and it's like another piece of early teenage years...I really loved the ending. Maybe I will find an adventure, just gotta go out and really live.
One day the whole world looks like an open page.
And you've been dancing as fast as you can,
With a smile on your face.
Then the Earth and the sky they open together,
And carry me away as light as a feather.
Chase the clouds from the ground in the big blue sky.
Don't wanna watch it all go by, so I'm gonna fly.
Higher than I ever could.
Feel the wind blow through my hair,
Feel the sun dance with the moon.
And my feet can't stay on the ground any longer,
With every leap of faith I feel a little stronger.
Wanna swing from a star in the big blue sky.
Don't wanna watch it all go by,
So I'm gonna fly.
And see for myself what it looks like from up there.
And taste the star dust in my mouth,
Chase the clouds until they disappear.
And if I can make just one life better,
Bring a smile to your face when you're under the weather,
Then I'm feelin' like I've finally found my home.
I'll plant the seeds and watch them grow.
And I'm gonna fly.
Fly. Fly. Fly.
Higher than I ever, ever could.
I'm gonna fly.
I'm gonna fly.
Higher than I ever, ever could.
Hey! I'm sixteen now, time to really live. ;)
Laying in my bed this morning, letting the open windows reveal a new world over the horizon. I finished watching Ultra Maniac, and it's like another piece of early teenage years...I really loved the ending. Maybe I will find an adventure, just gotta go out and really live.
One day the whole world looks like an open page.
And you've been dancing as fast as you can,
With a smile on your face.
Then the Earth and the sky they open together,
And carry me away as light as a feather.
Chase the clouds from the ground in the big blue sky.
Don't wanna watch it all go by, so I'm gonna fly.
Higher than I ever could.
Feel the wind blow through my hair,
Feel the sun dance with the moon.
And my feet can't stay on the ground any longer,
With every leap of faith I feel a little stronger.
Wanna swing from a star in the big blue sky.
Don't wanna watch it all go by,
So I'm gonna fly.
And see for myself what it looks like from up there.
And taste the star dust in my mouth,
Chase the clouds until they disappear.
And if I can make just one life better,
Bring a smile to your face when you're under the weather,
Then I'm feelin' like I've finally found my home.
I'll plant the seeds and watch them grow.
And I'm gonna fly.
Fly. Fly. Fly.
Higher than I ever, ever could.
I'm gonna fly.
I'm gonna fly.
Higher than I ever, ever could.
Hey! I'm sixteen now, time to really live. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)