Glass doll that will shatter not from physical pain but falls apart whenever her heart experiences a car crash

The snow was like powdered sugar. As skiers whizzed by the snow floated up. The trees were dusted in snow, often bending under the wight of icicles hanging from branches.

Today was again spent brooding on bus rides about the everlasting question of love. Do I still like him? Did her ever like me? Would things work out better if I was skinni? Would I be more confident and be able to do something if I was? What if things wen't differently 2 years ago? God that was a long time ago.... Then I find myself sitting on the bus with a stranger watching the scenery pass by the same scenery that I watched while talking to him. Trying to keep up with the conversation, those skills I lacked back then. Why aren't I more social? Why can't I try harder? I could. Am I just not confident enough or something? ...I don't know. I just know that I wish thing were like they use to be and that...things work out ok. So much for my promise to Ivanovich.

Rags is this kid, he's a year younger than me. I love him! He's so weird and funny. The last time we talked, about 10 minutes ago, on the phone. I pick up the phone.
Rags: Hi who's this?
me: It's Sky. Who's this?
R: Rags. So we still going to have sex later?
me: Um...maybe.
R: Cool. So would we use birth controle or condoms? I kinda want to use the condoms I mean they've just been sitting here unused! And I want to open them so bad!
me: Sure...come by later? Bye.
This kinda became our running joke. Sex. It's really funny.

Also I think my friends older brother has been flirting with me. Him and D.j and two other guys that all of us in my room are friends with are in a room together. Last night our two rooms were together for the snow sculpture building contest. We built a giant turtle. It was sooo funny! D.j was ocd about the outline of the turtle; Lesia, Maki and I were ocd about the map on the turtles back; the other two were just there helping out and throwing snow at us. Of course we retaliated and rolled around in the snow.

Tonight we went to a hockey game. Our two rooms sat together, eating popcorn and cotton candy while discussing various things while anticipating a fight. I noticed D.j's face. It's so soft, and childlike. It's pretty...and his hair, those soft curls that stick out of the rim of his beanie hat.

What else...my shins really hurt. My ski boots are apparently too big for me and it hurts like hell. At the end of the day I couldn't ski anymore because of the pain. It's like a new level of pain that I've never experienced before. I wonder if we could live life without pain...oddly it seems like such a huge and somewhat essential part of life. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

The color of the sky: A sleepy white, soft like feathers from a pillow. Clouds sweeping across the sky, hanging on to the mountain tops. Grey and airy.

What to do now.

Ski camp

The first official day of camp has come and gone. And I actually have internet and this is working!!

Skiing, eating, riding on buses and sleeping. That's the basic schedule with evening activities and prayers. 

Woke up early, tried to stomach the horrible break fast which I will not be eating tomorrow morning (except maybe the potatoes. Rode on a bus, on which I recollected the last camp and the impossible things that I am still really truly praying for and that I promised Ivanovich. These being kissing D.j which I really wish could happen. But there are problems as all love stories go. There is this girl who's obviously trying to get in bed with him, which is not going to happen since honestly he's not that type of guy (and I know him pretty well so I'm pretty really almost 100% sure of this that he wouldn't). Well we've been talking and I really want to draw him. 

I've been drawing people all day. And I want to draw everything important and show Ivanovich when I get back. Writing about it is one thing but drawing it and seeing it as I do is entirely different. 

But I've been in a really reclusive mood since that girl because even though I('m pretty sure he wouldn't) know he wouldn't I'm just feeling hopeless and lost. I want things to go right this time. I don't want to end up alone and crying or something. I'm over it, sick of crying about stupid idiots (kinda...). So I will pray to God to let this work or something like that. 

It's snowing endlessly here. Just snow and snow and more snow. We ran outside and took pictures. The snow clinging to our hair making us look like snow maidens. White fluff laced around our collars and down our jeans, stuck in our hair and melting on our eyelashes. 

Now we're sitting here txting, calling, skyping friends, boyfriends, parents. While I sit here writing to you all. 

The color of the sky: Dark purpleish black specks of white morphing into streaks of white streaming down. On and on, never ending snowy night. 

I eat too much sweet stuff here. Motivation! Stay on diet thingy...

We set out again, on a road upon which we've traveled before and seek the wonders we didn't find before

Oh my! We're finally leaving! Early as always. So, for the next 10 hours or more, depending on the road conditions I will be in a car, hopefully not fretting over life and it's mixups but instead relaxing and enjoying the ride and it's snowy scenery.

and....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Hope every one has a wonderful day! 

Let the adventure begin...

Lemon tea on a dark blue snowy night

It's Christmas Eve oh my goodness you guys! It's finally here. With presents, and snow, and pine trees! Oh my oh my!!!! I don't think I've been this excited for years! Before I've been so indifferent to it, but now I just can't wait!

Watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas. Love that movie.

Christmas eve was spent with my grandparents and uncle and great grandma. The 12 traditional Ukrainian dishes were served. My brothers fought and squirmed in their seats impatient to open their gifts. All was well, everyone was happy with their presents. Mine consisted of a lacy black shirt from Macy's, a sketch book, a sweatshirt, a hat, perfume samples, and money (highly needed). We went home to pack, where I discovered that according to the scale I haven't lost a single pound in 5 days! I'll check tomorrow morning...maybe it was all that bread I ate...

Finally done packing and irritated by lack of communication with people and my weight and anxious for tomorrow. Like before any journey, I'm excited for it to begin, but scared at the same time.

It snowed today. Pretty, quiet snow.

The color of the sky: Soft bark blue. Snowing.

"You can't ask why, about love"

Anna Karenina is on of the most incredible books I have ever read. The movie was just as breath taking, maybe even more so. Watching it all come to life in front of you is so impossible. The movie was perfect. It really was. It was an exact summary. I sat there quoting the movie, the words transcribed from the books very pages.

We left the tutoring session. Dad and I. Driving through downtown is always best at night. The deserted streets and flickering Christmas lights. The occasional wanderers and movie go-ers. You notice things that you couldn't have in the light. The cold nipping at our ears we were chased into the theatre. From there ushered in to a hallway, dim lit and shabby, an old movie theatre, which it is. Up the stairs, where the carpet curls up at the edges and worn down in the centre, the balustrade scratched, dotted with finger prints and dust. The upstairs lobby wasn't in a much better condition, but it had the air of something more formal, like a ballroom reception area. The bathrooms would have been lavishing only unkempt and lacking in care. The theatre it's self was old, accompanied with a stage and bright red curtains. The chairs climbed steeply as though in a high school stadium. As we sat there, munching on popcorn (my dinner) and sipping cherry coke, I began to tremble with the anticipation. Hoping, praying that I would not be disappointed. And I wasn't. Not in the least.
I am honestly so glad that D.j looks slightly like Vronsky. Oh my lord is that man gorgeous! Aaron Taylor-Johnson. The entire cast was amazing. And I do not understand how you could find anything amiss with this version of the movie. It was genius! And I have again fallen in love with Tolstoy's tale of Anna Karenina.

By next year I want to speak fluent french so I can say, "farewell, until we cross paths again next year under these sad circumstances"

I went to a party today after school. The play went well but I was so tired. Fell asleep twice, on my way home and while watching a movie. So it was a bit painful to go to Miranda's. I dressed up as though it were something kinda formal. I did this for a few reasons, 1. I didn't want to be grouped with them; 2. There was the possibility Keith (the girl who asked me out last year) of being there, and I wanted to show her that I'd changed; 3. I felt like it was a formality, so I dressed up. Plain white low cut v-neck shirt, skini jeans, a necklace with a rose and my black-bow-head-band.
I guess it wasn't too bad...but of course Keith and some other people were there and it there was a quiet awkwardness that lingered around us. Well one of them refuses to even acknowledge me, and Keith just sits there occasionally looking over trying to catch my vacant stare. No one really paid attention to me except for Noah. He's a pretty classy kid. Velvet red dress shirt, vest, black pants, classy. He sings too. He was probably the only one who actually gave me some recognition and the only one who said good-bye to me when I left.
"Farewell."
"Adieu! I'll see you...(pauuuuse) well never I guess...not till next year (I tried to end it on a cheery note)" He waved and that was the end of it. I don't regret going (though I do wish I had had some alcohol there, some wine to drown out the dreariness of the situation) I was there for moral and social reasons nothing more. I have gained a C.D player and a face to look for in the future. That's all, until next year.

The color of the sky: Like a deep freshwater lake in the Rockies. The centre is the deepest darkest shade of blue, which fades out into a luminescent shade of turquoise green. The colors in between are all sorts of blue greens, bright, almost shining.

I still haven't sent the poster in...I really should before things go bad...

The high school years: Love, alcohol and foreign languages

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!" That along with so many other apocalyptic and Christmas songs played on the schools friday radio. Not once did I even want to listen to my ipod (except for on my way to school, but that doesn't count). There was a warm atmosphere sheltering us from the long awaited first snow of the year. It's timing couldn't have been better.
Almost no one came to class, aside from the freshman. Everyone else ran off as soon as they could find a ride. I was thinking about it, but decided to enjoy the simplicity of the day and prospect of sweets and it turned out not to be too bad. Running from class to class, brief conversations, hugs, surprised but happy faces. It wasn't bad at all.
4th hour was interesting. The good points were giving Sally her gift. I drew her portrait. When I gave it to her she looked so happy. She almost started crying, or that's what she said. I don't think I've ever seen someone moved that much by simple art work, let alone my own work. Even the teacher commented, and said, "The picture of you (which I drew it from) is beautiful, but the drawing is even more amazing." I've never had anyone say that to me. And looking at it again, I suppose you can express things in drawings that you can't see in real life. Like when I drew my self portrait yesterday. Sitting there and looking at it I can tell you that I understood if this is what other people see well...I'm glad. It really can let you see in a different way. Continuing 4th hour...a group of more popularish kids that I have some relations to, asked me to join a threesome that they wanted to have, or video tape it. That has got to be one of the strangest questions I've been asked in a while. Well I wasn't sure what to say, or what to think. A compliment, a back up plan, or what? I said maybe. I don't really want to though, I meant that is not how I want to loose my virginity thank you very much. I'll use D.j as an excuse. It will work fine...
Lunch with Emi, and we saw the mulit culit assembly together! That wasn't too bad either, minus the out of tune singing. Dan danced Gundam style dressed in PINK looking hot boy! It was amazing!!!
Dakota and I played tick tack toe in 6th and we watched Coraline in 7th hour. And I got toffee after taking my latin quiz after school. Too bad Don Jose wasn't there to take it with me.
Over all good day, everyone was happy with their presents, and no school for 2 weeks.
I saw Jess. I'm never gonna get over him no matter who I fall in love with. His face is just to gorgeous.

I AM GOING TO NEW YORK! YES! Y'all should have seen me when my mom told me we were still going. I started jumping up and down with a huge smile on my face, looking like the little kid I really am. But oh my goodness! I'm actually going to New York!!!!! It's like all my problems are suddenly solved. That sudden reassurance that everything will be fine and there are great adventures awaiting me in the days to come.

The color of the sky: The most perfect shade of light blue overlapped with white clouds. Lady winter has finally found her lover and they are dancing. She's dressed in her best blue silk and white shawl. Christmas eve he will take her to bed, and the snow will fall like it never has, in violent bucketfuls of fluff. Christmas they will be happily in love, lying in bed looking up at the blue sky content, light perfect snow and I'll know that my love story can truly begin again for the however manyenth time and no matter what I'll know I'll have a story to tell about adventures that only happen in stories.

Can you imagine 3 more days...

I heard voices telling me secrets but I woke up and couldn't remember anymore

It's so hard to look back and try to remember today. It feels like years have passed and I no longer remember my own past. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. 

From what I remember it was a lot of irritated looks, tired faces, anonymous voices, and cold good-byes. I read and slept, and did french. 

After a really bad day at theatre my mom picked me up and drove the whole family to the hospital. We found out yesterday that my Grandpa had a very high heart rate so Grandma took him to the hospital. Nothing serious mom said. But we went to visit anyways, and I totally understand that but I hate hospitals. I just dislike them so much. Undoubtable that came from spending my birthday there one year, and my fear of shots, operations, and Grey's Anatomy. Later on I began noticing the other things, the smell which is enough to drive me off, the insane sanitation, the lack of freedom and those god awful white rooms. Everything is white. And not a pleasant color, it's the color of over cleanliness to a point that just is so clean that it's disgusting. Hospitals are good things and they create so much good in this world but no matter what you say I will never like them. 

Well we visited, Grandpa looks fine and hopefully should be out by Friday. Fingers crossed. If you wish pray for him through I'm sure he'd appreciate it he'd make a joke before he thanked you. 

Soccer was great though. Workouts and I scored like 10 goals. The taste of very sweet victory, like maple syrup covered in sugar and marshmallows.

The color of the sky: It get so frustrating, watching this grey white sheet of endless clouds cover the sky. There's no end. It just goes on and on, grey into grey.

My anime episode isn't loading.

Piano concert and a journey into the ancient past where magic thrives and unicorns still live, far away from this place where it doesn't snow

It was strange to sit in the audience not anticipating the moment when you have to standing in front of all those people. It was my first time at the piano recital not playing. I was just there. Listening. Stranger still was the setting. I'd always hated that church. It's false and Americanised. It has no ties to ancient Christian religion (anything european premodern times, like 2000 BC). It's this wooden structure that's made to look "homey" and "comforting" and god knows what else. Adorned with wreathes, fake Christmas trees and boring wooden furnishing. It's almost like someone was trying to be modern but only succeeded in making a fool of himself in front of historically cultured people, meaning every one else but me appreciates this church for it's appearance.
Steven was there. Otherwise I really would have tried my hardest not to come. Actually I was surprised to see him, he left school with a fever. I waited about an hour for his turn. It was strange to be watching someone so closely in such an intimate and unbecoming setting. He looked so big and mature next to that piano, like there was a purpose to his playing. Like he wasn't playing for the teacher and because people wanted him to, but because he had a concrete and truly meaningful reason to be up there. Well whatever it was his second piece conveyed it perfectly, Greensleeves. To begin, it's such a beautiful piece. I grew up with it as the sound track to a CD about unicorns and adventures of medieval times. Every time I hear it, it's like I'm back in my dad's old car listening to the CD. I sat there taking in the music, every part of it, the mistakes the feeling. Closing my eyes I could see it. The mossy green grass, damp forest floor, the tree's clad in a mystical green spinning all around me. Surrounded by ancient magic of old times. I could smell the airy forest scent. Pulling up, like in a motion picture I could see myself, a girl dressed in layered off white gown (the color it wasn't white, but rather a faint shade of blue or purple, perhaps both), brown hair lying against my back as I turn, looking...
I wished I could just listen to it forever.
Well the concert ended after another piece played by Steven. It really was worth it. What seemed like hours of taking pictures finally ended. We bid farewell and I congratulated him, leaving only too soon to see his reaction. I saw him again just as I was getting in the car. Darkness of winter nights surrounding us in that emptying parking lot. I wonder what he was thinking...in any case, Steven, thank you so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRgwrIOptlw

I found the CD! It's called The Song of the Unicorn by Classical Kids.
Here's the youtube link. It's such a great story. And you can see where my love of unicorns and magic originates. I wish I still had all my books about this...

Like a child lost in the woods of a big city

I haven't been so nervous in ages! I had to retake the quiz I failed in Latin. So along with Don Jose and Mari, I set out to see if I could actually pass. We walked up the stairs methodically reciting the noun endings, stumbling over a few and laughing at our mistakes. Standing there in front of the door we laughed nervously awaiting our fate. I wonder what our teacher though, we really are complete opposites to some degree, when he saw us laughing and cramming in those desperate last seconds. 

Start. 45 seconds. My heart was pounding, I could hear the letters clearly in my mind, and my hand rushed to copy them down. Racing against time, my hands shaking, it was so short. And done!

I stretched satisfied. Exchanging nervous glances and summary's of our work we thank the teacher and left. Mari was waiting for us. It's so strange that I've been there. Planning everything in accordance to him, timing it so perfectly then hoping, praying for the best. We followed each other around, talking about who knows what. I'm happy, I got them to walk together. But really he is so lazy. He kept complaining that he had to walk. We argued while Mari would throw in her awkward but hilarious comment (that usually made no sense at all) in. The dropped me off at the bus stop and walked away lost in another conversation only once they were safely across the street did they turn back and wave.

At the bus stop I met some rather friendly people. One of who's name I don't remember and the other was Chris C. (There are a lot of Chris's in this world.) Louis came up and hugged me. He's in my 1st hour and we talk every so often. He's a gentlemen, or at least tires to show off in front of his friends. It's cute, like that little kid who thinks he's fallen in love with his brothers girlfriend or something. It was like he was showing off, saying I know her. Aw he's cute (a freshman to boot). The bus ride turned into a new nick name for me and a conversation about racism which really wasn't very good but funny as hell. My new nick name is pretty eyes, since he said my eyes were pretty like a superstars. 

Got off at the university where I was suppose to meet Nadia and get costumes. I was lost. Making my way through a place I've never been. Not that I cared at all. It was nostalgic like the times at my other school, wandering the streets while my hands slowly froze from lack of gloves. Well they finally found me on some random intersection, after they finished looking. So I was sitting here for a good half hour not doing anything at all. Not that I have anything better to do.

The color of the sky: Close to white but not, almost a perry winkle purple. Was it the sky or just a layer of clouds, like wrapping paper on a present. It's a shame we never got to open it.

Overdose on cough drops

Jesus christ Mathew just because you have a girlfriend now doesn't mean you have to ignore me and act like I'm the temptation of christ or what not other stuff. We can still be friends silly.

Mori and Don Jose are so cute! She likes him so much. I'm not really sure what he thinks of her though...We were wandering around looking for the latin teacher, talking and laughing. Mari dropped her book and it ripped in half. We were laughing so hard, it was just funny. Jose's an honest kid. Let's be friends!

Holy shit mom I can do whatever the hell I want thank you. And please leave my room. Thanks. Math, skipping 20 minutes of math isn't gonna kill you, I know it definetly won't kill me. Just leave it alone. "You know how much we do for you." Well if you want I can make my own dinner, walk to school, get rides places, pay for my own everything just fucking ask then I won't owe you a fucking thing ok. Hell why don't I just do that. Ok starting tomorrow let's see how it goes.

Yesterday I burnt the sky, looked to the ground and wrapped it around me.
Still today I have so much to burn, to burn.
Yesterday I longed to die, fell to the ground, and the ground caught me.
Now today I question why I fell.
I fell

AFI 
This makes me feel a bit better.
Well so much for doing homework. I guess I'll just sit here until I fall asleep...

The color of the sky: Pale like winter, her icy elegant hands white as snow and blue eyes. Blue as the topaz on a young brides ring. She's dancing in the sky, across the clouds, mocking her lover down on earth. If only he could seduce her into one dance, and on a stair way to heaven he could undress her, letting her soft ruffled garments fall upon the earth covering it in a blanket of finery.

asdlkfjq5y822grewigpvns it's that kind of day

Yeah this is what I do in history anything but what we are suppose to do. It's a beautiful painting though, isn't it? It's that fantasy world of dragons and unicorns, knights in shining armour and legendary battles. A world lost to us...
It's a room like any other class room. A plethora of posters engraved with german terms. Desks set up in neat rows between which children wander commenting on each others work. Just kidding, it's this disorganised state of being like air molecules, that can only be found in high school. Now while everyone sits at their computers screaming their "space race" scores across the classroom somehow managing to make sense of their words through the chaos I sit here trying to rid my sore throat with cough drop remedy.
8:29 Logging off next class is Latin. If we have a test I'm screwed. Royally.

Dragging out the time till tomorrow

I couldn't wake up again today. Standing in front of the mirror with insanely curly hair I looked at my tired face and wished I could just sleep. My braces hurt so did my throat, I wasn't hungry but my mom wouldn't shut up about the pancakes she'd made me, and I found another pimple just as I though they were all gone.
Clothes, books, pencil and the check. We drove to the coffee shop for tutoring. The tea was so hot. The first sip left me begging for cold water, but there wasn't any for me. So I had to sit though my tutoring lesson trying to massage my aching tongue. Then on to the store. Chocolates, candy, liquor, snacks, all for the upcoming holidays. Siting here now I don't want to eat any of it.
The next time we got in the car we were heading to Grandma's house. I actually had a few decent conversations with my mom on the way. The movie I wanted to see, the presents I needed to buy, the black skinni jeans I need for theatre, nothing about school thank the lord. At Grandma's we cut down a Christmas tree. Crouched down on my knee's the handle of the saw biting into my palm brought back the sweet memories of summers past. Then I thought why are we cutting down this tree, it's not even snowing. I got some money from the folks though, my uncle who still depends on my grandparents gave me a 20 for my jeans and told me to go to the salvation army. Great Granny gave me a 5. First spending money I've gotten in over 2 months, right in time too.
More shopping followed. I was reminded that I need new make up. Only a few hours later we were back in the car, next stop the library for my brothers science olympiad thing. Books, books and more books. I was so ecstatic when I found what I was looking for on the shelves. Sneaking a look it found me, The Reader, I can't wait to read it again! Finding an empty table I did my homework, actually did my homework. It was math too...Now I have more things to read. Good.
Home to more homework and anime. And porn. That's a new one and I doubt I'll be returning to it any time soon. I mean that's what good adult fiction books are for, right? Crunches, push ups, cleaning dreading the morning to come. I'm gonna feel sick tomorrow, I can just feel it. Oh well...and since I don't want to sleep more reading time. Awaiting Thursday, the day of shopping for Christmas presents and watching movies. After that it's all downhill. 8 days mes amies.

The color of the sky: Dark clouds creeping in, like sith lords readying for the kill. Waiting to ignite their light sabres and brighten up the sky with epic battles in thunder and lightning.

Anywhere but here and now

I love the second half of the 18oo's why couldn't I have just been born then...or the 20's. Paris. England. Moscow. St. Petersburg. Kyoto.

I mean think of this. Walking down the streets of Moscow, powder like snow gathering on your elegant deep red cloak. Underneath it's protective warmth, your wearing the most beautiful dress. With all it's lace and frills, it's bows and streaming ribbons. A corset that hides your imperfections. Hair piled up strands escaping in curly waves framing your face. Pearls, flowers, rings all the beauty you could ever imagine. And the parties. Intellectual conversations about politics, playing the games of upper class society. The height of Russian society of all time.

Or Paris. The night clubs open till the late hours of dawn when the sun begins to rise over the city of lights exposing all it's magnificent. The light and fashionable dresses, and fine suits. The shoes. The music and arts. Wandering around Paris's in and outs, the alley ways and high roads. Never knowing who you will meet next, what writer or artist will as you to model for him...

London the impoverished city where pickpockets run in the streets. Society's dysfunction, where the upper class look down upon the street urchins. Peaking the revolutions. The bitter sweet freedom that comes with poverty.

Japan. Take Nagasaki, the geisha districts booming with life so different and mystifying. The elegant way people there function. So similar to western culture but in a way so much more refined. The plays, tea houses, festivals. Walking down narrow streets that are teeming with this peaceful life style so interwoven with traditions and cultures. The simplistic outer beauty of it all.

America...well we're pretty bad off compared to the rest of the world but there was always Detroit. Gangs. Before the city fell to it's ruin. The hometown of moat-town and blues. An American heritage centre, of stories buried deep in the unfinished bricks of the Masonic temple. Nearing towards modern times, early 1900's. Prohibition, the Purple Gang, riots, the pure insanity of it all. The adventure.

Why was I not born in one of these times, one of these places. Their stories burned into my mind by history teachers. Why now? And here? I mean this isn't even Detroit! For god's sakes...will my story of this century ever be told?

A wight loss plan that sheds the social sorrows of your life

Well I guess everything will be alright for now, at least. I got over Mathew, I mean it's his happiness that counts. But he's been ignoring me. Whateves...
I saw Jess today while walking up the stairs. He looked at me, and I sorta looked away well he smiles and kinda started laughing (I think) well he definitely looked back at me. Then I started smiling then laughing and it was so stupid. I should just talk to him. 20 seconds is all that it takes. Later I saw him standing in the middle of the street.

I was in the shop today doing tech for 3 hours. Just there painting, discussing politics and singing musical pieces. It made me feel better. Later while waiting for a ride I talked to Ellen. She's the board president. She's cool, and totally weird.

I drew and angel for Ivanovich to give to Mina. It was a pretty thing that I actually put effort into. I haven't been able to really draw since leaving the other school. I just want to go back there, see Sophia, eat at the farmers market, have 1 hour 45 minute classes where I can just draw and not care about all those dumb people at my current school.

Finished watching Grand Torino. And I am totally in love with Clint Eastwood. I wonder what he's like in person. He is such a great actor and director. It such a great movie. I liked it. And that's Detroit for you, at least parts of it.

The color of the sky: Like a satin dress on a Russian Princessa of the late 1800's. Light blue satin and flowing pink ribbons draped across the sky like the train of a wedding gown.

I think my good humor and mood today was in part due to Anna Karenina. I just got to the part (spoiler) where Kitty and Levin find mutual love. And watching them fall in love is just so enlightening and delightful. It made my day.

Again trying to convince myself that it will all turn out ok once it starts snowing, but it's not snowing...

And I though life was going to get better.
Mathews dating Niki. I knew she liked him (she's Emi's friend I don't actually really know her). I feel like I'm loosing him. The one person I can really complain about history class to and who understands, the person I can count on to make me laugh and really feel loved when everyone else just tells me I'm cute and stuff. Now I'm just going to have to smile like I do for everyone else and say, "Congratulations" with that sweet pathetic voice, while grinning cheerfully like I'm the one dating him. That's why I didn't go to theatre today. I couldn't have done it, not without running away and crying probably. And life goes on...and I'll try to let go again. It's my fault. I chose him to save me. People have their own lives to worry about...

At lunch I hung out with Emi and Kristi in their math class. Well at some point Kristi hid in the closet. We though she left so we went to steal her cookies, well she jumped out at us. Scariest frikking thing ever! A few minutes later a teacher walks in and of course he goes to the closet. We sat there holding our breathes. He opens the doors and at first we though he wouldn't notice her at all then he looked down. His face change from one expression to another very slowly as if he didn't know what to think. He left and we just sat there laughing. While waiting for our next victims Emi and I started drawing on the board. Bunnies, and Nick and oranges, and bunnies eating oranges. It was hysterical. Then finally someone walked in.
Emi and I: there's something in the closet.
Person: what is it? like an animal?
us: Yeah! A teacher came in and he was making faces while looking in there...but we're to scared to look.
person (picks up a large ruler and slowly eases open the closet door)...: Ahhhh!
Kristi: Ahh!!!!! (at the same time) The poor girl jumped. We did that to about 3 more people then Dan came in. We sacred him shitless! It was so funny he fell back screaming. He wouldn't stop complaining and talking about how we gave him a heart attack all the way to class. We ran into Mathew on the way. And I told him. I just noticed this now, but he took my hand in his and we just started walking, right in front of Niki. That's weird...ok. Whatever. It was still funny.

The color of the sky: Clear golden skies. Light blue through which the sun shone with a warm brilliance.

Don't walk away, lets let them see the mess that I became

Why does school suck?
I failed my math test today.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
Too much stress...
Too many people.
The good things about today were eating lunch with Emi. The movie in health which is actually interesting. And during theatre we were trying on costumes on actors. I noticed the blue sweater Mathew tried on the other day so I put it on. It was so comfy! It fit just right, the slightest bit to big showing off my pale collar. It was so relaxing just to wear it, it's lightness and freshness compared to the heavy sweatshirt I'd been wearing that day. It had the soft smell of pine needles and Mathews cologne.

The color of the sky: Varying blues in bubble like splotches scattered between clouds. Like a child blowing soap bubbles...

Am I still pretty when I start crying?

Would you be my Romeo?

Today has been the best day in so long. It had it's usual bad points but the good ones totally outshone everything else.
I was sorting costumes and moving them to the props closet. At some point while crossing the lobby I found Mathew sitting by himself eating. He looked so tired and upset, so I walked over. Well I convinced him to help me with costumes. A few minutes later Mathew, Anise (this new girl who does make up and helps with costumes, I really like her. New friend! Yay!) and I were carrying costumes to the closets behind the stage. Well they figured out that I'm ticklish and they wouldn't leave me alone. Mathew kept trying to scare us and tickle me. I was screaming and laughing for an hour. As one point we were back stage when music from multi culti came on and he takes me by the waist and started dancing. After a few moments of playful flirting he started ticking me again and I ran away screaming. It was just simple happiness mostly at the attention I was getting but also because I really do think we cheered him up. I can still feel my ears turning bright red and my cheeks flush.

Second good part of the day. Soccer practise. I had the best shot ever, and it went it! It was Amazing! Perfectly bent and it made such a beautiful sound...like a shot being fired. I love that sound.

I'm starting to wonder if it isn't that easy to fly...I mean you have to leave almost everything behind so it doesn't weight you down right?

I've been listening to Rise Against...I guess I have let it go...all for the best.

The color of the sky: Like storm clouds rolling in the darkness drew near. In billowing grey black streaks. Watching the sky being enveloped in darkness I actually wouldn't have minded a rain storm, better yet a thunderstorm that freezes overnight turning torrents of rain into soft falling snow...

Maybe I should ask God (Christoph) to make is snow...

A lazy afternoon

I don't want to write...actually I don't really want to do anything. Just sleep. But I'm doing home work, so this is a good distraction.

Recently I've been sleeping really well. Probably since I'm dead tired after ever day and so sick of everything that I just wanna disappear. Well I've been dreaming of guys I've had little crushes on or people who have probably liked me.
First time it was a dream about my counsellor from this summer. A handsome, aviator who is a bit childish at times but very dedicated to his new found work with aeroplanes. I'm not sure what was the case at camp but he really pampered and spoilt me. He'd take my advice on everything, ask for my opinion about almost everything, always let me do what I wanted even if it was a bit absurd. And when I got sick he wouldn't let me out of his sight. He was always making sure that I was ok, checking on my fever, I remember his relieved smile when I told him I was feeling better, he felt my forehead just to make sure. His excuse was my mom would kill him and his mom would kill him if I got really sick. See his mom is my teacher in Ukrainian school. The last time I saw him was in Ukraine we talked a bit at a concert. We could barley hear each other over the screaming kids and blasting electronic instruments. The crowd was a black mass of unidentifiable individuals, all waving neon glow sticks and jumping up and down.
The second dream was about Mathew and Don Jose. Jose and I have know each other since 1st grade. We live close to each other and since I met him I've had a crush on him. He's a good looking Venezuelan kid who's manners are just as good as his looks. He's really sweet and fun to hang around. We were safety's together, we helped people cross the streets in 5th grade. I was the only girl on my shift. And we use to walk together to our posts. One day he was riding his bike and he stopped by me and says, "Hey you want a ride?" I was flustered, I mean that's the kind of thing that happens in manga's right? Well I said, "Sure, thanks!" I got on to the back extension thingy, with my legs to one side brought up so they wouldn't graze the wheels. My hands gripped the seat and we rode off. It was only a few yards but it was a dream come true.
I like those dreams. Because even if they deal with reality their just a dream...and I can wake up and say I'm glad I'm not there but it was fun while it lasted.

The color of the sky:  There it was, that tiny spot of light blue, visible through layers of thin white clouds. Clouds that I am so sick of right now. Those heaps of white, white that isn't the snow I'm praying for.

Titanic

I've been listening to to Le Miserable over and over and have been wanting to watch Titanic all day long. And now I'm watching it (I've seen it before though).

People. Colby the theatre directors son is the cutest thing. If I ever have a kid I want a kid like that. I said that while holding Mathews hand, that, was pretty funny. 

Meri and Christoph are cute together even if their not dating. But they did for one day. Didn't work. But their awkward happiness is kinda refreshing.

Dakota talked to me today. This time about what we want to do when we graduate. He told me he wants to be a high school counsellor. Or better yet find a job where he can educate people and make them laugh. I respect him for that.

I ran into Jess today like we use to in front of the bathrooms at the other school. He glanced at me and there was a moment of acknowledgement. 

Watching Titanic now it feels really calm, like I'm letting go of everything and am just watching this movie. It's really nice after this long sucky week.

The color of the sky: Pale white again, like dust gathered up in corners of unused rooms. It's sad, I just want to see a blue sky.

taking pills to keep you alive while you're slowly killing yourself

Life just gets worse and worse. It's horrible. Parents yelling, homework piling up, people, people, people, stay away from me! Jesus! I want to read, sleep and watch movies, and draw. I'm so SICK of everything! And when all this happens I just stand there clenching teeth, hands tightened in fists but I can't do anything. Because even if it makes me feel better to rip up my math home work and I really could care less about it it will just lead to more people yelling at me. I can't even yell or cry, especially not in school.
And this history class is stupid.

That aside (although I'm still fucking pissed) Santa came. Actually it's St. Nicholas. The 6th is the day of St.Nick. My brothers were running around since 4 in the morning, trying to guess what lay in the finely wrapped packages. I as usual didn't want to get up, you know my room is so cold sometimes I think I'm just gonna die in there, and it doesn't help when I try to get up. Well eventually they got me up and I opened the gifts. Actually my mom did, she wanted to reuse the wrapping paper. I got 2 pairs of jeans one fuzzy and dark blue skinni (only a bit too big) and a second regular skinni (too big on the around my hips, maybe I am loosing weight!), a Detroit Tigers hat it's cute! Orange, black and white, with ear flaps and pompoms on strings, there's also a pompom on the top. And itunes gift cards 30 bucks!
That was the only good things about the day.
I finished my english project and I had to stay up late last night for it and work at school, I was even late to a class, and it wasn't even due today! Pissed...

Dakota thinks I like his friend cause I kept looking over towards him. That's cause I was looking for glue to finish my english fucking project! And the clocks over there. I do think he's cute and I wouldn't mind dating him, he reminds me of Nobu from Nana (the manga by Ai Yazawa, it's really really good!). So when he asked me about it I kinda blushed. Thank god there's only 10 more school days.

I wonder why I think New York and Dj will save me. I just have to get up...I need to stop putting things off...but instead I decide to try to stop eating...wow am I productive...

It's like: Andy, the doctors, Prescribed me the pills. But I know I'm not crazy. I just lost my will. So why am I, why am I, Taking them still?

...But I miss you like hell...

Give me something to believe in,

A breath from the breathing

So write it down,

I don't think that I'll close my eyes

'Cause lately I'm not dreaming

So what's the point in sleeping?

It's just that at night,

I've got nowhere to hide

So I write you a lullaby

A lullaby

Love Jacks Maniquin.

The color of the sky: Weightless so high up there like if you reached up you'd never reach it. Those grey skies spread out in front of you. There forever...

Guys and chocolates and...well...people!

My family and their issues with me:
Last night my dad came up to me and told me I need to eat more. Well I don't. But it does put a damper on my weight loss idea. Decided to try the ABC diet for like...a long time.

My mom bought a book. Swan Mothers: Discovering Our True Selves by Parenting Uniquely Magnificent Children. I just today realised that it's probably for me isn't it. Wow. Ok. That...totally seems really off... I can understand her wanting to read that cause I read books to figure things out, but it came as a bit of shock I guess.

Today in math after school (yes even more extra math) I met his kid named Cole. He reminds me of Dj and Chris. A mix of both. He's my height, with light feathery hair. A childish I-need-attention attitude and a good sense of humour. We talked a bit, about nothing in particular. I have finally found a pro to coming to after school math on tuesdays.

Work work work. That's all my life seems to be right now. Tomorrow I was gonna take a break, watch a game, read a lot but no. I have to do theatre work. It'll be fun but I really just want to go home and not do anything.

Oh my! I met this guy who I've just kept seeing. Fist it was only in the halls every once in a while. Then in the library. Then apparently he has classes with my senior friends. Then it turns out he is friends with them! So today he was talking to Eleanor and I stopped to say hello. Out of the blue he says: "Don't repeat anything I've said here! (something like) I am no one of importance."
So I replied, "then who are you?"
And he ran away...But I found out his name! It's Matt. (first time I've been excited about a person at our school in a long time.)

The color of the sky: The sun bursting through the eclairecis dans les nuages. A golden glow cast upon the once dark and shadowy roads. Like the sky after a rain storm.

It's funny watching a sweater on a hanger slowly spin around in a bath room. As if there's someone there, watching you as you innocuously sit on the toilet seat watching it with some degree of amusement and wonder.

I watched as you walked away into the fog...into deaths open arms

It's december...but it's not snowing yet. I want it to snow so bad.

Today it was foggy all day. It was so thick, you couldn't see 2 feet ahead of you. It felt like if you entered it you would get lost and never come back. Walking past Jess today I wondered, are what are you thinking? Do you think we could just walk in and get lost forever? Sitting in class looking out the window it was like we were trapped. It was our own bubble, for safety or confinement I couldn't tell.

Maybe I should just stop eating. But that's so hard, my parents would totally notice. It sucks. I exercises, don't eat that much as is, but I still weigh 8 lbs too much(in my opinion the web says I'm fine)! Once winter training starts that should help...but...I JUST WANNA BE SKINNI! As in like 100 lbs...that's unrealistic but I wish. 23 lbs.....despite all the other depressing things this is always one of the worst...siiiiiigh.

I have to get the poster sketches done tonight...I don't wanna do them...I wanna loose weight that's what I want!

I think I'd be fine if I didn't eat at all if I could do that. But with my parent I have to eat....beeeeeeech. This sucks. I wanna read and not eat in New York and taking art lessons while it snows outside assuring me that I'll be able to see Dj on the 25th. Why can't life be perfect?!

The color of the sky: Death. White like you've never seen it. Enveloping, embracing you, pulling you into it's cold chilled bony arms. Wrapping you in it's cloak of white. And as you dissolve into the mist all you can see is that color, white, like endless falling snow suffocating you. Creeping into your mouth as the air you breathe and slowly painlessly taking away your breath in a puff of white smoke. Our last breath becomes the fog. Death, that's what I told you.

We all start out as strangers

I've been listening to music that I've listened to hundreds of times before. And they sound different. Not the words. Those never change. But the instrumental. Things I never noticed.

Yesterday I sat here, in front of my computer ready to pass out from fatigue and I just couldn't write. I sat there fingers resting on the keys but unable to move.

Watched We Bough A Zoo last night. I kinda saw myself in the boy, Dylan. I do that. Skip class, draw, don't do my homework, fight with my parents. It made me feel better, so I ate doughnuts and stringed cheese.

Today we had this bazaar in the Ukrainian community. And our group sold almost everything we made! $150 yay! That's really exciting since normally we only make like 50, or less...we made 20 one year. That sucked. My friends and I sat there gossipping about the guys we liked at camp and who we're gonna ask to the Ukrainian dance in January. I really want to go! I really like talking to them. Cause before I didn't really talk to them since I'm shy, but now that we spent the weekend in New York together and other stuff we talk more and it's actually really exciting.

 The color of the sky: A deep grey like an ocean you could drown in. Thick heaving down on you. A winter without snow...

Once again I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to curl up in a soft armchair or padded rocking chair where I can read Anna Karenina. The room would be small with a ledge under the one window, draped with flowing curtains. The adjacent room would be a small kitchen with a refrigerator with ingredients for scrambled eggs, fried rice and some strawberry soda, milk, cheese, yogurt, and peach juice. In the pantry there would be jam and crackers, maybe bread, pasta and cookies and hot chocolate, of course. And tea. The kitchen would be rectangular, one side would be the fridge, the short side by the door to the reading room would be the pantry and shelves for silverware, under a window would be the sink and a stove and a toaster. There would be a small wooden table in the middle. I suppose there would be other rooms maybe a second floor, bedroom, bathroom with blue walls and a claw foot bathtub. A place for a washing machine, no dryer. Maybe a living room, used as a studio. There can be an in between room or hallway for my computer and a desk. Garden out back with roses...and a gate.

seven tardies, seven classes

I wanted to write so bad. But the internets been down, actually I think my parents cut me off.

Life seriously sucks right now. I’m so sick of people and their expectations of me. It really bugs me. It’s like I can’t be alone with myself and my thoughts. 

I skipped first hour today which wasn’t bad at all. But there were people in the woods and they were distracting and kinda scary. I never saw them but I could hear them. The drunken stupor of clamoring footsteps scattered, thrashing on the dead leaves. I don’t mind drugs since I know so many addicts but sometimes things like that are a painful reminder of the terror and faint disgust in the practice. 

I made it back to class in time to take the test. Bluffing my way across the threshold. The rest of the day kinda sucked to. I just wanted to disappear. Hide in the back of a theatre and watch the motion picture in blissful silence and darkness. Or sit in a cafe with a reasonable snack or beverage and watch people. Better yet why can’t I just go to New York, take art lessons and talk to Dj. 

I barley ate today since the vending machines, all 4 of them, don’t take 5 dollar bills. 

And again I wasn’t sure wether I wanted to throw up or eat.

I went to theatre today. It sucked. I really can’t stand it. I was in the shop and I couldn’t 

think. I did the same thing four time over before I got it right. I slipped and tripped multiple times. By the end of it I was close to saying I just want to kill myself. I’m just so sick of people and the pressure and all those things I “have” to do. 

When I got home my parents started yelling about my grades how they’d dropped and things weren’t going well. 

“What’s the matter. Is there something wrong at school or with you?”

Probably think I’m doing drugs or something. Well I’m not. And surprisingly I haven’t started cutting. Actually I don’t want to do that...I just want to run away. Away from This. 

I still haven’t eaten and I’m really hungry but at the same time I don’t want to. There’s a bug crawling all over my computer and homework. I like it. I hope it doesn’t die. That’d be sad.

The color of the sky: Bleak grey sky. Cold. Without resolution. I don’t think it was perfect for any occasion. 

I wish I could just leave it all behind. I wish it would hurry up and get to Christmas. I’m so scared that we won’t make it...we won’t see each other...that my life’s going to go to ashes. I just want to go to New York and see him.

I wonder when the bus to wonderland is leaving

Today sucked Again. I sat there in class, not sure whether I was hungry or wanted to throw up.

Rant about my history teacher.
He is a stuck up good for nothing republican idiot who falsely attempts to teach history to high school students. No, history is the wrong word...he aims to inflict upon us a story glorifying the winners of history and incorrect descriptions of historic figures. Further more he expands his ego through glorifying himself in front of the class and urging (oppressing our right of freedom and the 1st amendment) us to laugh (unsuccessfully) at his utter lack of intelligence, conceited remark or smug joke! He's insufferable! He's like Chris strutting around shrouded in his arrogance not noticing that we take him for a fool and despise his minuscule being that has suddenly filled the early hours of our ever day. Except Chris has his good points and he's genuinely and idiot (and we know that).With my teacher...I don't see that in this middle aged man who sees the world though his tiny glass window clouded by the absurdness of taxing and false pretences, viewing himself as the perfect human being without the flaws of an uneducated 14-15 year old. Un très important, raffiné à la perfection, cultured Arian who is at the peak of his despicable career and life (for that matter).
He's an vulgar, sad individual misplaced in time and career. Pouvez vous aller chez le diable.

Ah that looks so beautiful and sounds even better.
Well I know who's class I'm skipping tomorrow. It's Friday. Even better.

7th hour...I like those people. I don't have to run away there. And their facial expressions are so funny.

Just finished New Year Eve. The movie. See there is magic. Even if it's not quite what you expect. But making a movie and inspiring people, that's magic.

The color of the sky: Darkening fast. Turning the scene into a deathly chase through dark dreary woods, the blue background and erie clouds creeping in. Little Red Ridding Hood is on her way home. There's only so much further. Almost there...smell the fire...but it's getting dark, fast. There are scary things in the dark...

I was listening to Handel's Messiah today in class. It's really something...

Buried under leaves and snow from yesterdays sorrows lies the key to my heart which I denied to you on a summer day

Today was...just wrong. Is there a reason for my being here as who I am? I want to disappear. I hate november...or maybe its just because 1 year ago today she asked me out and I made up my mind that I was leaving everything I knew behind to go hide in corners of this miserably town. I wonder why I never went to the movies...

I finished the book today. Hunting and Gathering. I feel like that's what my life's gonna be like. Not exactly every detail but that story plot. And maybe not that ending. Honestly it's kinda how I want to live. Just drawing people... I really liked that book. Now on to finishing Anna Karenina!

Kill the Messenger has been playing over and over. It fits today. The verge of breaking down and running away again for better or worse. Chris is flirting with a new girl. A senior I know and she's...not the best news. I don't mind her too much but first Phil now Chris...I've seen them before but today they were standing there talking to people and he was playing with her hair. That absent minded movement of his hands. The simplicity of that movement. His sweet blank expression.
I was jealous. But why? There was never anything truly there. It was a perfect open door that had come at the wrong time. Or I was just an idiot not to walk through it. It's all my fault. So I can't be mad at him because he didn't do anything really. My heart break is my fault this time. I should have tried harder. So what's left? Move on and keep the memories carved into your left wrist, where I will always write in sharpie.

Things I missed yesterday: Chris walking with Kelsey towards the counsellor's offices. They were alone in that hallway surrounded by a feeling of intimacy. And all I could think was she's pregnant and their gonna go talk to their counsellor about it. They did it....had sex....my mind kinda blanked after that.

I walked part of the way home with Sam. He's an incredibly attractive young man in my 7th hour. All the girls have a crush on him, even if it's only a little one. He works at the church down the road from my house. We walked and talked about stuff it was really nice for a change. My heels clacking on the cold pavement the beat, his voice keeping up with the tempo, like a quiet melody.

The color of the sky: A thin horizontal rainbow of the last light disappearing into the inky blackness of the night.

Where is my happiness hidden? Where is the key? Chris once asked for it. I brushed it off. If he asked today...would I simple hand it over? What if...I don't want that...

Who made up the rules of this game?

Dear God...
I haven't listened to Avenged Sevenfold in a while. I love them. No matter how much time passes that band will always be one of my favourites. The lyrics, musical arrangements, Matt's voice...it all just makes sense. I wrote a song to Seize the Day with my counsellor at camp, in Ukrainian though. I sent him the finished draft on his birthday, August 4th. After that I decided to listen to the rest of the songs. And I fell in love.

I wish all love was as simple. Actually I bet it is, we just make it complicated and make it seem like more than it really is.

A grey day. A day that seemed like everything could quietly just end. Slouching in the bus seat, trying to disappear into my over sized black sweat-shirt. The sky was imposing, looming down on us silently. Never was that silence really broken. It just blended with the noises of the rest of the world. Jess was sitting across from me. The whole bus was a mystery. Each in his own world. Connected by an isle seat to seat and nothing more. Strangers. I was listening to A7X...I remember that. God I was so quiet back then. A little girl with no sense of fashion trying to fit in.

Sometime I feel like I can recall all those feelings I've lived through. The suspense, heart break, anticipation, happiness, nervousness, the feeling of standing on the edge, freedom, loneliness, love, acceptance, ridicule, disappointment. If I could just sit there drowning in it...it would be an amazing picture don't you think?

Mathew and I had an adventure. After running away from Michelle and asking him to be my boyfriend while I avoid Issac. We walked around complaining about our teachers and classes. Tried not to kill a computer. He is horrible with technology! But it was fun all the same. Moment. Emi wanted me to stay in the library:
M: She wants you.
me: But don't you want me too?
M: She wants you more...
me: You'r just going to leave me here again...?
M: Fine come on.

Played MASH with Sophia on Fb. I am: married to Jess, living on a ranch, in Kazakstan, with a pet sheep with 69 kids. My wedding dress was a cupcake pink. I am a prostitute he's a masseuse and our car is a ice cream truck.

The color of the sky: Baby blue torn jeans, splattered with bleach, and faded at the torn edges with the surprising smell of summer.

Fuck math homework again. I'm just gonna go to bed now.

Stories exchanged and a goodnight kiss

"i don't know. i'm not saying that i woulnd't but i guess i have this picture of what my life is like and going to be like and if i don't reach for that and try to make my life that fantasy it doesn't feel right. i'd almost rather be alone knowing that i did my best than have a boyfriend but know i gave up before i got to where i wanted to go. it's kinda dumb and really childish..."
My views.

"The best things in life are the things we never even saw coming"
Oh why is that so true....why...

Poor Dan's telling me
about his girlfriend. I don't understand how some people can expect other to just change for them. That girl is so dumb. That's what a relationship is. Accepting each others imperfections and flaws. You see through it and love the person for who they are.
"trying my best but it doesn't seem to be enough..."
Bitch posted: Ur stupid. NO you're the stupid one! I wanna write that so bad...
Instead I wrote. No he's not! as long as you tried...maybe things will turn out ok.
Bad but it will do.

Maybe I just need to accept life and expect to see life turn out how I expect. But does that mean I have to stop looking? Depend only on luck. Cause I've learned that lesson many times and sure I'm reckless and headstrong, doing dumb things (especially when it comes to guys) but at least I'm not letting life pass me by.

Nick, "I hate school." What are we doing? Homework constantly. We talk about school on Fb. We stay up till past midnight doing hw. I hate school. And most of the people there. Still bitching about school (he seems really pissed) 2 hours later. And being racist.

Isaac. Talking more about school. I don't wanna talk....I mean it's fun but this is gonna get out of hand fast. I know...that is if he likes me. If not fine. Whatever.

I hate fb. Too many things. Too easy to contact people. But you can have some nice things too. Our conversations...stories exchanged without having to say a word.

Things get slow around midnight...

Nick: Idk. Telling you stuff.
Me: Ok tell me stuff then.
Nick: As me.
Bacon.
Love. I'll always love him promise him. He's like my big bro.

Good night dear readers. May your dreams be filled with bacon, waffles, sugar cookies with icing and rainbow sprinkles, coffee, and nice things that go with this meal.
Sealed with a kiss from me and your lover across the stars.

Do you hate me? Because I do.

The girl you have a crush on has now bet her dreams of happiness on a weather forecast of snow and spent her savings on a bus ticket to New York to see someone that might not even like her. ...So what were you saying?

Schools a drag. All day today I couldn't help but think, I'm just going through the motions. I found myself walking down the hall without even thinking, just walking...to now where.

I actually ate dinner today. Normally I just grab something. But today I was so hungry. The food was like the food we use to eat at our old house back when I was little. On our white oddly magnetic table just barely big enough for the three of us. Squeezed into our already small but perfect kitchen. I loved that house.

What happens when you get a boyfriend? Is it different? Or just another label. I remember when I went out with Nick, but that seems so long ago...160 posts and 1 more year. Things have changed...I think. Well some things have for sure.

I just keep listening to Jacks Mannequin. The songs playing over and over again. I think I need a new album of theirs already!

25 days till break begins. 28 till Christmas. Just keep counting down the days...

I saw this guy today. He jumped up onto the platform thingy and walked until the end when he jumped off. I do that all the time. I wondered if it makes him feel closer to the sky, like he could almost fly when he does that.

The color of the sky: A pool of azalea grey. Shimmering beneath the surface of clouds. It wasn't as windy. A calm on a stormy ocean. A lullaby of sirens voices. Pulling you away from reality. Wanting to take you away into a deep sleep then steal your breath away with the chilling airwaves. Not painful, no just peace, eternal sleep under a perfect sky.

To face the fears we created for our entertainment

Isn't it kinda weird that you can one day say I like you to the person you've know for years. Just one day decided you like them. And how can we like people we've only just met. How do we fall in love?

Back to school tomorrow. I need 2 more days at least. Don't want to face the messes I've made. I'd rather sit in my room and clean up the ones I know I can.

Went to my grandmas house yesterday. My parents picked my up and took me out with them to a Thai restaurant. It was really good! I had pineapple rice curry. Spicy! For desert we got mango ice cream with sticky rice and coconut milk.

They tore down the old church. It was old, falling apart. I though it would always be there. That's the thing about this place, it feels like if I leave and come back things won't change. Like we're our own world with our own sense of time. But I suppose that's not the case is it. That church had one of the most memorable and beautiful thing written on it that I've ever read. 
“Sorry for looking away so quickly, I actually think you’re really nice looking, but you kinda remind me of this person that I wish would come back."
I found it May 24 of this year. I was probably running from reality again. Those words turn the warm summer day full of sun into a grey winter scene. The darkening sky brimming with snow. A vague image of the person who wrote those words. I was still part time at the art school, and it could have been one of them. But that didn't matter really, what I wanted to know was how could someone write something so beautiful about something so sad.

Looking for summer programs to take me far away. 

The color of the sky: Grey, it seems it will be like that most days from now on. Speckled with stray snowflakes. Nestling in peoples hair, as they search for the perfect evergreen tree even though it's still november.

When there's nothing left to say

What would you say if I told you I came from the sky...?

Late nights, I only wish I had coffee and that I wasn't here

Putting off telling someone that I don't like them like that doesn't change anything does it. It just means that I've let the their imagination grow into something they see as a perfect story. That's why I hate people (one of the many many reasons). I really need to do something about this but what's left to do now, I can't undo the things we've said.

I can't wait to get out of here and travel. The sooner the better, but that's still almost 3 more years.

Just like any other girl I want to find that bit of so called true love. A moment of happiness in my youth involving kisses and holding hands in dark theatres. 3 years. I'm starting to wonder how much time that really is. Finding myself has taken, what, year and a half, leaving me with this time. Only to like someone 400 miles away and avoiding the majority of our high school population. I don't regret it...I'm trying to....I have no idea!

I wish I could buy all this music!

It's snowing again. A lot! It makes Christmas seem not so far away.

We went to Toledo today. The whole family. The art museum to see the Manet exhibit. It was really cool. There's so much in those paintings. They're so beautiful. They're something I can relate to. It's like the Louvre were I can get lost in a face for hours.

The color of the sky: Lost in a sea of grey. As if everything had been painted over with a thin watered down grey then speckled with white.

Every human being has a set of wings...

Making faces at the world

I'm sorry I can't really do that. I can put other people happiness before mine but not with love. I guess I still believe in faerie tales. Like my Prince Charming is just over the horizon. Yeah it's silly but that's just me.

I have a pretty face don't I. If I lost weight I'd be a perfect little doll, minus my lack of fashion but that could be fixed. You know I'd rather have every guy whistle at me and just want to have sex than have sweet nice guys liking me. It would be a lot simpler don't you think?
Maybe I should dye my hair too, while I'm at it. Ginger...?

I saw Sunset Boulevard with my dad just now. God it's depressing! Leaving you with that feeling of gloom that you wish you could just shake off, but instead it lingers, in the dark dim lit corners of your room and creaking of the house. It's a great movie though. Amazing acting and camera work, not to mention the directing. The 50's...damn that was a depressing time.

Fb. I've been avoiding it more than usual. But while stalking peoples pages cause I was bored, I came across a video posted by Dj from the weekend. I was there for the little skit but it seems so different. Everything comes across as different. Maybe it's just my perspective of him or that we're so far away or I miss that time but it's different, in a good way. A memory that I can hold on to.

Ok I should get some sleep...maybe...or read. Hunting and Gathering is a really good book. Recommended. The beginnings isn't too good but after the first few chapters it get better.

When you start planning out your life and things don't go as you planned what do you do?

I wrote it on my wrists

I kept forgetting to write! I even wrote it on my wrist in sharpie as to not forget! I can't believe it.
School sucks as usual but now we have thanksgiving break!
Monday I had work out so I am so sore now! Yesterday was worse though. Climbing up all those stairs... It sucked!
I saw Jess during passing time. It was perfect. I was in the stairwell by the window. He was right there. Back turned towards me. So I started to draw. I haven't done this, like actually drawn him, since last year. My hands were shaking, I don't know why, but it was such a relief when I finished.

Michelle came up with a new person I should date. Isaac. He's in theatre with us and he use to date Steph. Well apparently she asked him if he liked me and he said yes. There you go. You turn down one person and there's another one waiting in line. It's just like the mice we have in our summer house. I just want to be there now. She told him to wait until after new years. So I suppose that's a good thing, gives me time to make up excuses. He txted me today, which he never does. Things just went from bad to really bad. Fuck I hate people. It's not their fault and I feel really bad about it. But I just can't deal with it, I mean I can, I just don't want to. Don't disturb my perfect world that I accidentally found, cause if I have to move I think it will take me a while to find a place as good.

I'm not sure if I've told you this already but in 8th grade I decided that from late november till January 1st I wouldn't date anyone. Because of Dj. We were pretty close and it seems like now we're even more so. He was my first slow dance... I guess it's just a hope and my careful preparations that I don't miss this off chance. I get to see him on Christmas after all. So maybe it is magic.

Sometimes, a lot of times actually I wonder if I'm in love with people or my drawings of them.

I think I've reiterating things a lot today. I think it's just for my own sake to try to figure things out.

Emi, Nick and I went out for Chinese food. We stopped at Rite aid and bought Nick a really late/early birthday present. A really fat gazelle, which was probably actually a giraffe. We ate, talked, took pictures, bought slushies and doughnuts. Then we sat at the round about and waved at people waiting for our full stomachs to stop aching so we could head home. The three of us make the most amazing group of weird friends. Times like that I never want to leave behind for anything else in this world.

The color of the sky: Opening up like a giant dome. Full of plump plum clouds.
The afternoon though was like coarse beach sand. Painted a thick grey blue. As if the waves had left behind their color.

They reach up from the ground grabbing me, tying me to the earth so that I can't fly, I can't get free...it's like a rosebush cruel but beautiful and that is life. death is freedom.

Eating coffee caramels while counting down the day till christmas while staring at the empty screen that doesn't help my homework situation at all. In fact it's only wasting more and more time but what does it matter this year sucks work wise. There's no motivation in it and I'm not learning anything anyways. So instead I stare at this computer and plan my outfit for tomorrow, the shoes that will match and the make up I want to put on.
You know there's only 36 days and 2 hours till christmas?
I decided to try to clean my room. I just go sick of it. I do that. It's so unproductive. But if I get that impulse I kinda have to at least start. So I'm cleaning.
I really hate my english and history classes this year. They fucking suck. And the more I clean the more hw assignments I find that I didn't do. That pisses me off too. I shouldn't be slacking off but then again those teachers...idk it's so complicated. I just want to get the next Breathe Carolina album and have it be winter break and snowing.

The color of the sky: a carmel sunset. Warm with orange and red. A few clouds on the horizon, a steamy grey.

Not much to say while fleeting dreams take me far away to a place where there is exotic food

I feel like I've been talking about my personal life a lot recently and no enough of every day chit chat. Well I suppose it doesn't matter since this is my blog, but I might as well try. This week has been pretty bad (weekend was good though!).

Chris wore his glasses to school today. At first I wasn't sure it was him. But who else has that same jacket? No one. I watched him from the window before 7th hour. It was like watching a movie. I knew who the main character was and there was a silent narration that accompanied his actions. And like those feeling you get when watching a movie, that you wish you were there and that was your life but it's so far away and unrealistic that it can't be. All I can do is draw...

It sucks listening to them rehearse. But it's so hard to ignore the tight feeling in my chest when I walked by them.

The color of the sky: Like a spring day. Silence filled with bird songs, the sun shining a golden evening color. Although the trees were still bare and the grass a dying yellow, there was that spring bliss of everything being reborn, life anew.

Nail polish and nail polish remover are like drugs to me. They calm me down. The smell of them. My little bit of nicotine.

All I want is to sit in my bathroom with time and glitter

Is it dumb that I can just say I don't like you anymore after all the things I put myself through while trying to like Chris. Does that even make sense? You know I probably would say yes if he asked me after Christmas break. Is that really stupid?

I forgot this about yesterday. At the orthodontists there was this lady who sometimes does my braces. Well she is gorgeous and I don't understand why she has that job. Smooth oval face, perfectly arched black eye brows, pretty dark eyes, and almost black brown hair. But she frikking scares me! She seems like she'd be nice but there is something about her...Last time she totally didn't give a crap about me. This time she seemed really irritated, bossy and looked like she was enjoying causing me pain. Near the end she kinda let up and wasn't as harsh about stuff. But I swear she is there to torture children. It's her secret obsession or something.

Have you ever had to reject someone? I hate it. It leaves me feeling totally disgusting. Like I can't wash away the feeling of how totally horrible I am. Like Lady Macbeth. I can't get rid of this dirt, that's on me now. This sad hole, weighing down inside.
People say it has pros. That you should feel more free with out this choice. And that you have the freedom to choose so it isn't that bad. But it is! Also people say I'm lucky. Because I can do this. It means I'm pretty, people love me, and I have options. I don't need to say yes because someone else will come along shortly. Well that's nice and dandy but it sucks! Cause more likely than not I'll have to turn them down too! It's just so ehblehshhh bleh.

I've been on Pinterest a lot. It's entertaining and gives me something to do. Also it really makes me want to buy make up and experiment with color and clothing. Which then makes me want to do specific photo shoots which Emi and I don't have the money of technology for.

I found the phone thing mouse that I got from my cousins in Ukraine. I lost it sometime in september. Well I found it on a guys back pack. He has 2 classes with me. And I just sat there for the longest time looking at that mouse on that grey and black back pack. I should have felt happy that it found a nice new home. But a feeling of slight sadness and guilt was there. I wanted to be happy, yet I couldn't...It was just a moment where there was no feeling. I just hope that mouse has a good life with who ever finds it next...

The color of the sky: A clear but grey sky. Like you could see through it. A glass ornament on a tree. Inside sparkles of clouds gilded with snow. I didn't snow though. It would have been nice.

Chris has a habit of winking at me every time he sees me. I'm not sure if this is some reflex, a habit, or something he actually thinks about. It makes me laugh.

from sweden with love

Orthodontist appointment took me out of the torture chamber that classes are becoming. I really wanted to miss 1st hour for it but no luck there. Actually classes today weren't bad. We made my math teacher cry. I actually felt really bad for her.
Ivanovich came back. Apparently he'd been skipping the class for the last two days. I was getting worried that he got hit by a car or got deported.
I'm gonna try to talk to Seffan tomorrow. I really need to learn to tell people who like me straight up how I feel. I just don't want to hurt them and I want to be friends, though that doesn't always work. Stupid irrational fear.

I wore my dress I bought in Ukraine. A slightly medieval top, with kinda puffy short sleeves, partially lace up top, and frilly skirt bottom. With a black long sleeved under shirt, and dark pastel blue/lavender leggings. With the grey converse and maroon plaid scarf that I wear so often. Black bow. It's that ideal picture of me and who I am that I drew out of boredom one day. That drawing had people and all the things I love. The paths I can take. My journey...

I want to go back to this weekend. Drink some more, party, see my friends, stay up late talking nonsense while being cold, and just being there in the middle of no where living life with all it's teenage risks.

We decided on crew heads for the show and I'm doing costumes! It's gonna be so much fun! I can't wait! We also had a read through today. And just sitting there listening to Sammy read, it just pissed me off. I wanted that part so much. Or maybe I just wanted to have Mathews attention. But I did want to act so much in this one. Costumes should be great though.

I really want to buy some fabric and get my grandma's old sewing machine and do some stuff. I also really want to buy some makeup and nail polish so that I can just play with it. Dress up!

The color of the sky: Broken eggshell blue. A pale pink yolk strung out like pearls powdered with pastel pink.

I really want to talk to Chris about soccer.

the run way to heaven

Sitting in the hallway, two desks opposite each other. We were taking a test. Me and Steven. His hair is bleached blonde since he's on the water polo team. The hallway was loud. Full of colorful noises of movies playing. The hallway lined with red lockers seemed lost in the flavor of screened conversations. His eyes are really deep. Kinda like Jess's. But they look at you in this questioning, implying look, that makes me want to blush and look away like a 19th century girl in a lacy pink dress.

I skipped 1st hour with the help of my mother. It wasn't pleasant since I had to do math, but it wasted time I could have spent with my horrid republican teacher and my tiny admirer.

I kinda want to dye my hair a ginger orange.

It snowed today. I was sitting along in a hallway, when I looked out the window and it was snowing. I jumped up grabbed my open bag and ran out the door. Outside, twirling around, I just said, snow, it's snowing... today is perfect.

The color of the sky: everything was winter grey. And the pristine snow falling in tiny balls was perfectly matched to the monotone sky.

I'm ready to find the freedom to fly.

green sweat-shirt swag that carries a red string

While the weekend was great today wasn't the best.
First hour was...a realisation of my irrational fear all over again. Hurting other people, and other people liking me and me not liking them but scared to hurt them. Seffan a freshman in my history class kinda asked me out today. Thursday he was kinda joking about it. But today it all come out. We were passing notes and he asked me about the guy I like and how he likes me and stuff. We actually have the same birth day. And honestly it kinda feels like fate. But I just met him and with the weekend and all this stuff I don't know if I could. I don't like him like that...

When I was at Dj's I think I realised that I kinda maybe like him, again. I just keep thinking about Stairway to Heaven, and all those little things that we've done. Wonder why he even noticed me in the first place, and if it isn't really wishful thinking or a hazed up drunken dream we went through that night. Cause several times I probably would have left cause I was worried that I would get caught and he said don't leave. Maybe I'm hallucinating things again about peoples feelings. Another thing that I noticed today was when I saw Chris that I wasn't worried about anything. And walking away I didn't feel like there was anything I needed to say. This it the time when we start looking forward again.

I don't even remember the rest I was so tired when I got home. I know I slept through a few classes. Dressed in black leggings, my green new york sweatshirt that fits me too perfectly and carries Dj's awkward swag, boots, and my messy wavy hair down. I dreamt of him while asleep. I like good dreams.

Also with letting go again. I've found that sense of freedom that I got in 8th grade after dumping Nick. That it's my choice, and you gain your own freedom. Awkward situations really are perfect for conversations aren't they. And that's how I want to live.

The color of the sky: A tower of gold we were driving towards it. All around us darkening black clouds loomed in. Making the sun set more prominent. Like the light reflected of golden leaves sprinkled with autumn rain.

I change my mind to often. My element is the sky, according to horoscopes and online smut, like the color of the sky, always changing color to accommodate the people and myself. That's just me I guess.

Let's drink to giraffes, awkwardness, swag, poop, scotch tape and being drunk and tired cause none of this matters or makes sense

I just had the weekend of my life. It was such a great weekend. Getting on that bus I really though things were gonna suck. The bus ride sure did (although I studied a lot and did most of my hw. Minus the math which I didn't take and am doing now) once I got there it was great. I saw so many people I haven't seen since Ukraine and summer. We talked caught up on things all at 1 in the morning. We stood there in front of the main building, talking about camp, school, people, politics. Eventually bidding each other good night and heading to our separate housing.
The layout of the place is a main house which is like a hotel and a main hall where everything takes place. Scattered around are buildings each on with it's ghost stories, creaky stairs and crappy heat or Ac. Each group had a building or stayed in the main house. It's a nice place, hidden in the lower mountain range of the Catskills. We went to bed around 2.
Woke up the next day around 7. Got ready for the competition. We wore uniforms. Which for the girls are brown skirt, beige shirt that makes you look fat, a brown over coat, brown knee highs and shoes (also brown). Guys have the same deal without the overcoat, and in all green. Also each state and gender group has a bandanna around their neck, like japanese school girls. The competitions began after breakfast.
I should explain this. 1st you have a power point presentation. And the point is to present your knowledge about the subject in the power point. 2nd you preform a skit which has something to do with the topic. 3rd there is a competition for individuals to see which kid is the smartest, best at improv and a good example to others. And you do these things, the judges write down scores then you sit down and watch the rest of the show. All 20 other power points and skits. Moving on to dinner and the dance.
Like all other Ukrainian youth gatherings there was a dance. And there was alcohol. I wore my pretty pink shirt and leggings, and my oversized black sweat shirt.
To be totally honest with you I've never really drunken that much. I tell stories, over exaggerations of my adventures but I've never gotten drunk. But that night I got a thrill. I wasn't any where near drunk but there was the feeling of a risk, the buzz of the drug, the adventure. Vodka. That's what we had. Smuggled in water bottles and mixed with sprite. We got to the dance early so my friends and I headed back to sneak a drink. They got drunk. It was pretty bad. Oreo was staggering around yelling things, asking for more drinks. Larry seemed ok after a bit the alcohol hit her and she got a bit tipsy. Bored we found ourselves at DJ's room. Now I haven't seen the guy since summer and I was like let's be friends.
Well we kept talking. Random almost non sensical words and conversations came out. He offered his jacket up for grabs and I took it. Green, warm, it has an awkward swag that makes it perfect for him and it couldn't fit me better. After our drinking episode we went to the dance, had fun, danced, chewed gum, danced some more, peed, danced more. 11:30 it ended and we were sent back to our respective rooms with a warning this is curfew get caught and you can be disqualified. Our adventure really began.
Me and Larry decided to go crash at Dj's place but her shoes were hurting her feet so we needed to stop by the main house and get a new pair. We get to her room and guess who's there. Her dad. And he wasn't ready to let her go. We finally managed to sneak out racing down the hall way it was great, just the thrill of doing something semi illegal, alcohol on our breaths, smiles on our faces, yolo ringing in our heads. We practically ran the whole way there. Then we just sat there for hours. Listening to music, throwing m&m's, drinking monster, using scotch tape, talking more nonsense, opening the door letting cold in, cuddling, not thinking straight, people coming and going. We later wondered when they had actually left. Larry left around 1 while I sat there not ready to go back to a room full of drunks (they were the ones who brought the shit, and all the other drugs). It was me, Dj, and his roommate Antoniv. They had an m&m war while I ate pringles. And we had this conversation about awkward silences and conversations. And  how they were the best conversations because they could lead to anywhere. You just have to start talking. There was another conversation about everything Dj said could be interpreted as sexual or something. It turned out really funny cause neither of them, especially Dj didn't know what they were talking about. At like 2, their chaperon came in and told me I should probably leave. Good idea cause I was on Dj's bed ready to crash, and just sleep there. So Antoniv walked me back to my place cause Dj was falling asleep. We said good night and for a while I just sat on the stairs txting people.When I finally got in, everyone was passed out drunk on the beds. So I took a shower.
At 3 some friends from the Ukraine camp came and we skyped Jeremy in Australia. I finally went to bed at 4.

Next day we said our good-byes and went our separate ways, by bus, plane and car. All our stuff was packed and we were waiting for the last people to show up. Dj walked over to say bye to us. A chat with the others, a hug for me and a few words exchanged. 6 more weeks till I get to see him again at Christmas in New York again.
We got 6th place. 12 hour drive back was horrible. Got home at 4:30. Woke up at 6 and went to school...

When another journey begins must a different one end?

Oh my. Well Michelle just had a break down about the play. She really wanted it. Reading all these txts she sounds like Ksenia...That is weird. I guess my friends all have something in common in some way or other (mostly the fact that we are all rather bizarre characters). It's really sad, I hope she gets better. I was up talking to her last night for a while.

I just woke up like 20 minutes ago. And it's this feeling that I'm going to new york. That's all I can say. Well bye for now!
Love you all!
Love you Chris, and 1st hour, and theatre, and friends and Emi! Txt me!!!!

something loved in the end will end as ends do come to us

I didn't get in. No part. It's so hard to write this... When Dan called me, as he went through the list I could feel my heart beating louder the steady thump, thump grew louder and suddenly I knew that I wasn't gonna be on that list. I wanted to cry. But you can't cry about everything can you?
It sucks that I'm not gonna be there tomorrow. Then again maybe it's a good thing, I won't start crying in the middle of class or something. 12 hours on a bus doesn't seem so bad at all now. I'll just txt people, do my homework and read.

I can't get away in this school. There are places to hide but they can be so hard to reach. And most are outside. It doesn't help when you're wearing short sleeves. I kept running into people it was horrible. I just wanted to get away from it all. But you can't! There's too many people here!

Ivanovich came back! I literally screamed when I saw him, and freaked out, scaring everyone else in the process. We passed notes all of class it was nice to talk to him again. Emily was comparing Chris to a blank piece of paper. Her thoughts: he's empty, and boring.
Me: You can fill the piece of paper and white is a pretty color. It's like snow.
Her: Snow it's just pretty, other than that it's cold, numbing, and it doesn't last.
Me: Snow is pretty, it's simple and it's pure. All of these things are just like him. Like snow.
Then out teacher yelled at us to be quiet.

The color of the sky: Crisp, and clear, tinted with grey. Forecasting cold.
I miss you.

I wish I had seen Chris today. Or Jess. So that I had something recent, happy to hold on to, but reaching out into todays memories there's only empty air to hold on to. Holes in your heart are hard to fill and you can never truly fix them. But time is merciless and keeps moving, you either get up and catch up or your left behind, and it become much harder. So when you fall in love remember there is more to life than love. If you've lost everything else there is always the adventure leading to love...